It's A Celebration

The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:

I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.

Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.

Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.

My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.

That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.

Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.

Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!

And Isn't It Ironic

It's interesting. What you'll do to hold onto someone that you love. My twin and my parents got into another one of those huge fights. You know, the type of fight where she says that shes leaving and never coming back and they say good, see ya! Well, this time she really was leaving, got a train ticket to Las Vegas( very typical of her), had her bags packed, and was going to be leaving tonight at 8pm. I went to school this morning but I wasn't really there, I was wherever she was. It hurt me more than I ever expected, the thought of not having her in my life the way that she is now. A few years ago and maybe even a few months ago I would have bought her the train ticket and drove her to the train station. But I don't know, something changed...and it wasn't her, it was me. I never realized how much control I had over my relationship with her, how much it was up to me to make that effort. For once in my entire life I stopped lecturing her, stopped trying to help her and just accepted who she was. Shes completely crazy and a complete wreck most of the time, but that's who she is and I love her. Anyway, a few hours ago some words came out of my mouth that I never in a million years thought I would say. I said, don't move to Las Vegas, give me until May and then we will move out together...I think I might be able to claim some sort of temporary insanity here. But even now, the thought of not having her in my life, makes me upset. If anything, she brings laughter into my life and always reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. Besides, I can't watch over her if shes hundreds of miles away...

I would say for about 20.5 years of my life I couldn't wait for that day to come, the day that I would move out and wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. And now, I just went and sentenced myself with a few more years...oh the irony of it all. This summer should be...interesting...

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.

The Final Frontier

My family and I were eating dinner a little while ago and my dad was explaining something about outer space to my little sister, I was tuning in and out of the conversation, but he did say something that caught my attention. He said, "In outer space, there is no such thing as up or down, there is only perspective." I couldn't help but think about how that applies to us even when we're not in a 0 gravity environment. And at that point I could have engaged in a 3 hour long philosophical discussion with my dad which would have somehow ended on the subject of god/the bible or politics because it always ends up there, I'm really the only person in my family that has the patience to tolerate any kind of long discussion with him (because I secretly like it too), but I wasn't really feeling up for it and so I decided to bite my tongue and write about it instead.

...

Right, so, totally lost my train of thought on this one. Its amazing how it was all just racing through my mind and now...nothing. To be continued...

Scary Movie

So I was on one of my night time drives last night, by myself, and for some disturbed reason I started to think about that movie Gothika. Here I am, driving in the dark on completely desolate roads and of all movies that one pops into my head. I'll admit it, I scared myself. I started obsessively checking my rear view mirror and I was so sure that at any moment a ghost was going to appear in the middle of the street, possess me, and then I'd be shipped off to the nearest mental institution. I'm telling you, if I saw a young helpless girl on the side of the road, in the state of mind that I was in, I would have kept on going, every woman for herself sister. Finally I saw another car and I have never been so happy to see another person while on one of my drives down there. So I felt a little better until the car pulled over to the side of the road, let me pass, got behind me and started flashing their lights at me. So I think, oh god I was wrong, I'm living an urban legend instead. At this point I was certain I was a goner. Finally the person turns and I'm extremely happy, I'll take ghost girl over psycho serial killer guy any day. However, as I'm driving a few cars pass me going the opposite direction and they freaking flash their lights at me too. Now I'm thinkig, jesus christ, there's obviously something very wrong with my car, my tire is about to fall off here or something. So, I had two options, pull over and check my car in the middle of nowhere and get murdered by ghost girl or psycho serial killer guy OR chance it and try to make it home and ignore whatever is wrong with my car. I chose the latter and thankfully made it home. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with my car and who cares, I'm alive.

Don't Stop by Saving Jane

This is when the ink stops flowing
This is when my head starts going
This is when I just can’t get it out
This is when the hits keep comin’
Just when I think I’m on to something
This is when the bottom bottoms out

I promise good enough for you
Then I never keep it
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping
And all the world is sleeping

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when my hands are shaking
This is when the rules are breaking
This is when the music plays too loud
This is when it’s now or never
When it goes from bad to better,
This is when it all makes sense somehow

I promise good enough for you
And pray that I can keep it
And all the world is watching
While I’m open-mouthed and dreaming

I promise good enough for you
And find that I can keep it
And all the world is right with me
And all we are is breathing

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when the ink starts flowing
This is where my heart is going
This is when my hands belong to You.

But I'm Here Now

I love driving at night with the windows down and the music blasting. I get some kind of satisfaction out of disturbing the silence and peace around me. Or perhaps it is the control that I am so attracted to, taking the silence and making it my own. Much like marching to the beat of my own drum. I'm addicted to the meditative state that I fall into while I do this. I am alone and lost in my thoughts and there is nothing surrounding me but wilderness and (fucking) deer. Nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me here, except me. I often find myself arriving at a destination and wondering how on earth I got there. What if that applies to other parts of my life, not just those moments when I'm looking for a way out. A lot of the time I feel like I just arrived here and am clueless as to how and especially why. Is it really possible to live in the present? Time is a constant thing, it never pauses for you to live in the moment. So life doesn't really exist, only death does. As soon as you are born you have slowly begun to die. Death is the constant and life is the variable. You can choose to live your life, but you'll always be dying. So it terrifies me to feel that sometimes, like I didn't start living my life until 20 yrs of it were already gone. But I'm here now.

Just Like K'Nex

Today was my first day of school...and that's all I'm going to say about that. I also have to work the evening shift now because I got stuck with all day classes, joy of all joys. Anyway, I was sitting here, bored out of my mind, and I started to think about the past month or so. Every once in a while I will read my entire blog from least to most recent entry and I noticed that something happened to me over this past winter break, something good. I feel like I'm finally slipping back into a person that I once was. A person that I am much more at home with and a person that I am much more honest with. I know that this sounds crazy and I'm sure by now you all think that I am borderline multiple personality, but I don't know how else to describe it so that's that.

This is an entry from my old blog dated 5/31/2004:

Day Dreaming. Reality vs. Reality.

I have this dream, this wish, to do something meaningful and important for the world. I know I have it in me, I know there's something I'm supposed to do, I just can't figure it out. It is because of this that I've always looked toward careers that involve helping people like a doctor or a psychiatrist, but do I want to do these things for a living? There is this fire inside of me, this ambition, I don't think I could sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. I need excitement in my life, danger. After realizing that I want to travel, experience differnt people, experience different cultures, learn different languages, I feel lost, like there is no place in this world for me. Perhaps I could work for national geographic, perhaps I could join the peace corp, perhaps perhaps perhaps. I want to do everything, I want to be everyone. So...what do I do?

I decided to share this because I'm starting to feel this way again. But, now that I have this feeling again, a feeling that once scared me more than anything, a part of me I can never seem to understand, I feel more at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. Maybe I am just ready to accept that thats just who I am, uncertain and always willing to try anything in order to extinguish the firey doubt that lives inside of me. If and when I even do extinguish that doubt I am left with the damage the fire had already done to me and I temporary fill that space with something new until new doubts set that on fire. This may not be the best way to describe it, but this is how I roll. Maybe I'll never be completely happy or content with my life but this part of me is also the part that pushes me to experience and try as many things as I possibly can and I think that when I die I'll be able to say that I had a truly fulfilling life...because it was always good, but never good enough...that could be something.

Give Me A Window

It's cold. The tips of my fingers are numb. This feeling always brings me back to the window above my bed. I open the window with haste, I can't sleep and I'm longing for a gust of cold night air to collide with my skin. I quickly take a deep breath, inhaling the innocence of the night for the fleeting moment when the stale air of my room is replaced with something that is far more real to me. I am never sure of what it changes or how but I know that it's there and I'm always waiting for it, always hoping that it finds me. I close my eyes and let the silence craddle my thoughts as the wind flirtatiously dances with my hair. My mind clears, the thoughts and dreams that were torturing me have finally faded and I can hear that song now. I start to sing as the window becomes less and less stationary. Piece by piece I am slowly drifting away from this place, perpetually searching for warmth in a world consumed by this chill that I constantly feel. It's been years now and its getting harder and harder to find it, if I ever attained it at all. With every passing winter my window raises higher and higher but the ground is much closer to me than ever before. That ground scares me more than anything and I'm barely escaping it these days. I've always known that one day I will eventually fall and when I do, I'll hit hard. Though, that fear will never be enough to prevent me from opening my window. There is something much stronger inside of me that gives me the courage to search and to find the opportunity to fall. I can only hope that when I do the ground is only a few feet below and that theres someone there to catch me. So here I am, eyes closed and cold always waiting for something or someone to embrace me with their warmth, to catch me when I fall, to walk beside me on that ground. Reality finally sets in and I close the window, but the goose bumps on my arm don't ever seem to go away...

I Have Magical Powers

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love American Idol

1. Simon
2. Paula Abdul high on pills 98% of the time
3. People that can't sing
4. People that can't sing but think that they can
5. People that can't sing and only go on the show for their five minutes of fame(embarrassment)
6. People that can sing but totally fuck up the words of the song or just forget them completely
7. People that can sing but are too, shall I say it, hideously ugly to compete (I feel bad for you ugys, I really do)
8. People that get extremely mad once they are rejected, especially the ones that don't seem to understand why they were rejected in the first place
9. People that keep singing and won't leave once they are rejected
10. People that can't sing and obviously have some sort of mental problem

This is cruel, haha, but it's the truth

School Days...Rule Days...

School is only a few days away and needless to say the frequent entries will soon come to an end. This semester should be fun though. I don't have any upper level biology courses this semester to torture me along with my Vet courses. Not to mention my clinical procedures for large animals class has its lab on a farm. Yes, haha, a farm. I will be spending every Wednesday for the next three months on a farm learning how to administer shots, draw blood, float teeth etc of all the animals I'd rather be at home eating instead of fighting, except horses, I don't think I could eat a horse. Note the word fighting is used here instead of helping, they don't want you to help them and they will do anything in their power to prevent it. Either way, my love for helping animals has its limits, and spending all day on a farm wrestling pigs might be one of them, we'll see. Its just unfortunate that large animal medicine is on the state boards, so I have to learn it. Though, you never know, the knowledge I gain from the farm might come in handy some day. However, if any of you notice that I start chewing tobacco, spitting into tin buckets, chewing on straw, wearing overalls and speaking with a southern accent, please tell me.

*sigh*

I don't want to go back. This is the problem that I have with school, it is too routine. When I slip into a routine and it is consistant for too long I start to feel robotic and therefore depressed. This is definitely one of those instances where I just contradict myself completely. For a person that hates change, I also desparately need it in my life. I need excitement, danger and everything in between. This is why I will work at an emergency hospital. There is so much emotion in an emergency hospital setting, so much hard work, so much struggle, so much sadness...I belong there.

Blessed By Burdens

I saw Freedom Writers the other day, great movie. If you like Dangerous Minds you will definitely enjoy it. There was one part in particular in the movie that really got to me. Hilary Swank is talking to her father and he says to her, "You've been blessed with a burden". I had never heard anyone say that before, blessed with a burden. It just made me think, what if I felt blessed by my burdens instead of well, burdened by my burdens. I thought about this a lot and I finally came to the conclusion, if anything, my burdens give my life purpose. The things and people that I am responsible for give me purpose. Its amazing how just thinking about that made me feel a little less weighed down by certain things in my life. In a way, it made me feel good. If I didn't have those things, those burdens, what would I have? What would I do with myself? Would my life be meaningful at all?

And so, for now, I am grateful for the burdens that I have.

Time Machine

I was walking to my car the other day and our neighbor, this 50 some yr old woman, starts to talk to me. I hate it when this happens, I just want to get in my car and go. Though, while I was trying to pay attention to whatever it was that she was talking to me about I noticed that she had the same exact reading glasses as I do or at least my old ones, I got new ones for christmas. Either way, this freaked me out. I suppose I am just going to have to one day accept the inevitable truth that I am a 50 yr old woman trapped inside a 20 yr olds body. I often think that I was just born in the wrong time period. I think I belong back in the 20s/30s when there was swing dancing and people were actually polite to each other. I just don't get people these days. Nobody has any respect for anyone. The thing that bothers me the most is that it just seems like most people lack the ability to love or even empathize with other people. Nobody cares about anyone but themselves. And so it leaves us to slamming doors in each others faces, bumping into each other on the street, constant contact, yet, we are all so disconnected.

I am also guilty of this. In fact, I'm sure that I lack most social skills that I am suppose to have acquired by now. However, I will always hold a door for someone and I will always say excuse me if I'm trying to pass someone on the street. I may be completely awkward when thrust into social situations, but at least I am polite.

Strand me on an island any day, away from these people, really...a log cabin in the mountains even sounds nice.

It's funny...I was watching a comedian the other day and he made a really good point. He said the squarer the shape of the state, the more boring and desolate it is. Perhaps I should move to Wyoming or North Dakota...Anyway, I was laughing hysterically because Maryland is the most fucked up looking state of them all, haha, and here I am. I don't know, I guess I fit in here, I'm definitely squiggly around the edges.

Never The Same

I have always pondered the whole nature vs. nurture thing. Being raised as a twin was a constant struggle for my own identity because as long as I could remember people had been erasing me by dressing me in the same exact clothes as my twin, same hair cut, same birthday presents, same everything. Always to the point where I felt stripped of my individuality, my uniqueness, not to mention toys that I actually had an interest in. Everyone just assumed that since I was a girl I had to like Barbies and that since Nicole really liked them than I must too. I hated Barbies. Except my Little Mermaid doll, she was cool (note how I used the word doll here, not Barbie). A good example of this goes back to my 5th birthday. Nicole and I were fighting over the theme of our party. She wanted a Barbie party and I wanted Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Way cooler than lame ass Barbie if you ask me. Anyway, my parents made us compromise, so we had Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles decorations and a Barbie cake. I ate her head.

Either way we were different and because everyone always wanted to make us the same I was constantly looking for ways to separate myself from her. It's just amazing how young I can remember being and thinking this way, it started early for me and has been one of the few constants in my life. Nicole and I were raised by the same people, in the same way, yet, we are two completely different people and we have been since birth. Its when I think about this that I truly believe in souls.

The weird thing about it though is that it never really seemed to bother Nicole. She liked being close to me like that, always wanted to do everything with me and I would push her away because I felt so suffocated. I think she had a lot of issues with me because of that, I hurt her feelings a lot and we fought constantly for as long as I can remember or at least since the point I decided I didn't want to be, in any way, defined by her. I don't know, I have been thinking about my childhood a lot lately. Every once in a while it will resurface to torture and confine my thoughts.

Endlessly Restless

I'm feeling extremely restless lately. Whenever I start to feel restless I become impulsive. When I become impulsive I start to make rash, bad decisions. My impulsive behavior is evident merely by the number of piercings that I have, not to mention my morbid addiction to pain and all its forms, but that is a minuscule example of only some (11 to be exact) instances where I was feeling restless and desired some sort of change.

I've been trying very hard to keep myself occupied during my break. However, I was under so much stress and for so long that I somehow became comfortable and now I'm finding it extremely hard to reach that amount of stimulation, so I feel bored. This...is a bad thing. So, for the next couple of weeks I'm going to try even harder not to give in to my addiction to adrenaline.

Tonight I'm going to Sonar so hopefully this will fuel my need for excitement via lots of liquor and the random rub off a complete stranger until next semester starts. Though I doubt it. The fact that I'm going to Sonar while feeling restless probably isn't the best start to giving up adrenaline, but I'm sure it will be fun anyway :)

Responsibility

Today my mom is having some serious surgery done and so it is left to me, the eldest sibling and therefore second in line to assume the alpha female role of my pack, to once again temporarily fill the shoes my mother will inevitably leave to me hopefully much farther down the road than today.

I don't mind doing this for my family, in fact, I often assume this position even when it isn't necessarily required of me, especially when it comes to my little sister. This always makes me wonder about the exact moment in my life when I made the decision to take on this role. I was born 1 minute before my twin...its amazing to think how much our lives can change in just one minute of its entirety...However, I like to think that it is more than just that one minute of my life that separates me from her.

There are many times from my childhood that I can remember willingly and knowingly sacrificing my innocence and naivety. I never really fought for it, I just sort of accepted my fate as the oldest and I can honeslty say that it was that choice that has made me the person that I am today. For example, it was always a huge deal when I was very young as to which one of us would get to lay in front of my mom while watching TV and who would lay on her butt. Nicole always wanted to be the one to lay in front of her and I would never fight her on this, I would always willingly give up my right to equally share that spot because I knew it would make her happy. This also goes along with the battle of who got to sit up front whenever we would drive anywhere. Nicole would throw a fit and I would feel bad and say, "It's ok mom, she can sit up front, I don't mind." Sometimes my mom would force me to sit up front with her or lay in front of her, just because I was never willing to fight for it...I truly believe that it is because of those moments in my life, even from such a young age, that I have gained the amount of respect from my parents that I have now. The thing about it though, the thing that bothers and haunts me the most, is that I did mind, I did want to sit up front, I did want to lay in front of my mom...But that want was never a good enough reason for me. My own want wasn't worth upsetting Nicole and putting my mom through the stress of hearing her cry about it, I loved them both too much for that...So, I sacrificed my own happiness for them...I was so young then but never fought for the benefits that go along with being so young and I don't know why...

Anyway, when my mom comes home today she will be in a lot of pain, and for weeks, and won't be able to do much. So, my dad came to me, even though he knows he doesn't have to, and asked for my help around the house and things. I said, sure of course, not a problem. Meanwhile Nicole is a few feet away in the other room sleeping on the couch...and I thought, I wonder if she appreciates or even knows what it is that I have given her...But then my dad placed his hand on my back, leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Thank you honey", kissed my forehead and walked away...and I thought...

Yesterday

So yesterday I had off of work, I was very excited all weekend that I was going to have Monday off, such a great day to have off. Whenever I have off on Monday I feel like I have somehow cheated the rest of the week and it tends to go by much faster. I was planning on sleeping in, cleaning my car, and then watching some movies for the rest of the day. Instead, I woke up abruptly at 5am. This is when the vomiting started and it did not end until 4pm. There were times yesterday that I really wanted to die. As I set up camp in my bathroom and became very acquainted with the tiles on my bathroom floor and the various shapes and figures they can make, I realized a very familiar feeling was with me all day and didn't cease to exist until I was able to keep down water. This was the feeling of defeat. Life has this way of just blatantly slapping me down. Yesterday was very humbling indeed. Life-"No, you will not have a comfortable relaxing day off, instead, you will puke all day and therefore have ample time to feel completely helpless and not in control of your life at all." Which brings me to the weird thing about defeat, when it comes to me at least.

There have been many times in my life when I have felt absolutely defeated. However, there is always this part of me that is awakened at the sight of defeat and reminds me that I won't feel this horrible forever, things will get better, things will work themselves out one way or another even if you can't see how or why right now. This part of me contradicts how I am naturally, which is completely pesimistic most of the time. But...somehow I always find that slightest bit of hope and that can last me for a long time, consider me a hope camel. Whenever I have these feelings of hope or faith I cling on to them for dear life. So, I am thankful that yesterday when I really wanted to just give up, asperate and die that I had those few hopeful thoughts that I wasn't going to be sick like this forever, just a few more hours of this and I will be ok again.

I will never take those gleaming and glittering feelings of hope during times of despair for granted, they keep me going.

Save Me

Lost in a deep sea of desire
You hunt me in these waters
I can't tread these feelings forever
Eventually I will drown in you

You constantly cast me into the deep end
I shiver in your dark and cold places
Your warmth is too deep for me to reach
Save me from this storm

Dry land and shelter taunt me
But this is where I choose to stay
My pain is my comfort
My struggle is my purpose

One day I'll swim to shore
Leaving myself with you in that sea
I won't have my pain to guide me
But I'll have the warmth of the sun

The shade of the trees
The air in my lungs

~I actually write a lot of poetry, however, I am even more critical when it comes to my poems than I am when it comes to my writing. So, in efforts to be more brave, I decided to post this.

Emotionality

I consider myself an extremely rational person. However, I constantly contradict my rationality with the amount of influence I allow my emotions to have on me. This contradiction may or may not be obvious...My emotion has always been something that I am very skilled at hiding, even when it comes to posting on this blog. There are probably more drafts saved on this account then there are actual entries. I am confident in my ability to erase, to hide. I'm very cautious and this caution comes from fear and the inability to trust, even myself. I'm constantly searching for the reason I am the way that I am, perhaps not even a reason but a course of events. I also continually search for answers to questions that don't have a solid answer...

Lately I have this urge to let go of everything and just be. If only it were that easy for me to let go of all of my flaws, my insecurities, my fears. I have always kept them so close to me, I never give myself a break. Somehow I find comfort in all of those things. They are my crutch, they make me human. I wonder though, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that I constantly focus on parts of myself to improve one way or another. I need to find the courage to be happy with myself, accept who I am in the present and allow myself to change when the time comes. If you constantly search for something you're going to miss the things that happen naturally, without any effort.

I should be happy with the person that I am right now. It's pointless to strive for perfection 100% of the time or even at all. I know that I will never be perfect, but I'm a good person and that should be enough. I feel the most fulfilled when I'm taking care of someone I love and the emptiest when I have disappointed them somehow. I am always willing to sacrifice myself one way or another for those people and I'm starting to wonder if this has something to do with my feelings about my own self worth. I constantly feel like my purpose in this world is to make others happy and to do whatever I can to help someone when they need to be helped. I have no idea where this desire comes from inside me, but its there and always has been. A lot of the time I wish I didn't possess those feelings of extreme empathy. I wish I could walk down the street and not feel sorry for the homeless people that I see, I wish I could ingore what's happening with the war and all of the people who are suffering and dying, I wish these things didn't consume me the way that they do. It's like 'the nothing' in A Neverending Story. There's too much sadness here...

Jack Frost Where Are You?

I never thought I would say this...but...where the hell is winter?! Trees should not be budding, it's friggin January for Christ's sake. This is really messing up my yearly routine. It should NOT be 55-60 degrees right now. Don't get me wrong, I love warm weather, in fact, I hate the cold. However, during the winter I tend to fuel my creativity with a lot of reading, writing, drawing, playing my guitar etc because I really don't want to go outside and there's not much else to do. And now I feel completely thrown off balance, more so than usual. I have this feeling about me like everything has been meshed together, unnaturally. I like the changing of the seasons because it gives me a concept of time, not only of the present, but of the past and future as well. I want it to snow so I can go outside and roll around in it (for a very brief amount of time, then I'll enjoy it from a distance) and remember all of the times we turned my front porch steps into a ramp, or all the times I busted my ass trying to make it from the Poly parking lot to the school building (damn those city schools for their lack of available salt), and to feel the excitement of the possibilty of getting out of school. I miss these things right now, in fact, I crave them. I want to walk outside and smell the cold crisp air, I am tired of the smell of rain. I'm seriously considering permenantly wearing my pajamas inside out until I see some changes. I'm that desparate.

See. I Told You.

Truth

Here are a couple of entries from my actual journal, not dated, but a month or two ago I suppose...I'm trying to be courageous, can't you tell?

I trip over my thoughts and my words even in my day dreams of my confessions to you. I wish I had the courage to turn these dreams into reality. It's so hard when I don't know how you'll react, what you'll say. I have this fear of seeing terror in your eyes, a loss I could not handle. It's easier for me to imagine your words for you. It's easier for me to imagine your lips on mine, your hands through my hair. It's easier for me to imagine that you love me back.

Though, these day dreams are starting to haunt me. You haunt me in a way you'll never know was possible. You'll never know how my heart beats for you, how I long to see you, how I can't feel the air in my lungs until you look at me. You look at me, your eyes, I fear that you see right through me. Right through to my heart where you've found a comfortable space. Then you smile, a smile that lights up my spirit, a smile that I'd die to see. You make me feel alive. An aliveness that brings me so much sorrow. Sorrow because I know I can never truly fulfill it. You stab me with your beauty. It's an overwhelming pierce to my heart with every quizzical glance. With my love for you goes hand in hand my pain. I never knew true heart ache until my soul woke up in love with you.

I'll carry this burden of love for you...I'll keep it close to me as you are close to it. I never knew this place existed in my heart until you gave it purpose. I love you. I hate you...I love you...

And a little while later...

So another day passes and I can slowly feel myself drifting away from my love for you, my love of the day dreams I have of our coalition. Though, I feel excruchiating jealousy towards the person who will get to have you. The person that gets to take care of you. The person that can make you happy in a way I wish I could. This jealousy runs deep, I can feel it, flowing through my veins, it burns me with every flirtation. I never knew a jealous monster existed in my being until I met you. It seems like I will carry this pain with me until the day I die. I must have been your true love in another life and God's ironic sense of humor has merely placed me as your friend in this one, how unfair. I can only hope one day you will notice the indescribable and unconditional love that I have for you. It seems so timeless, yet, time plays the role of the antagonist in this story. I wish you could see past my physical...See my heart, see my soul and then you will see how perfectly we fit together. You complete me in a way I never knew was possible. You level me, you ground me. I never knew the sadness that is born from something you can't have, but something that is so close, until I met you. You're wonderful, you're awful, but I love all of you and I love the things I haven't even discovered yet. Why can't you see it? Why can't you acknowledge it? I don't have the courage or the strength for this...I can only hope that you do...

I'm starting to think that I am too much of a romantic for my own good. I need to snap out of this and go with the flow like the rest of the fishes out there...

Cast Me Away

Now that I have time to relax I am slowly slipping back into my normal routine of reading, watching movies and day dreaming. Over the years I've realized that I thoroughly enjoy many forms of escapism. I've always wondered if this was because of a true love and passion for almost all forms of art or if it is only a gateway for me to escape the harsh realities of the world in which we live. Perhaps it is a combination of the two or perhaps art is a form of escapism that can only be taken advantage of by the people who truly appreciate it and understand its purpose. Whether it be reading something someone has written or examining a painting someone has painted or watching a movie someone has filmed, I can fall so in love with these things to the point at which I am consumed by them. For however brief a moment I am somewhere else, lost in someone else's mind and heart.

A lot of the time this scares me, how lost I can be and how much I enjoy the escape. It's almost as if I have to force myself to stick with reality a lot of the time. I constantly have to pull myself out of my own day dreams or the day dreams, ideas, and thoughts of others. For most of my life I've always preferred walking through a painting, living the adventures of fictional characters in the books that I read and relating my life to people in the movies that I watch than actually living my own life. I suppose its a much more comfortable position to be in, that of the dreamer as opposed to that of the doer. I need to become a doer.

I hope to discover a way to balance the part of my personality that is the dreamer and the much smaller part of me that is the doer. I'm very capable of accomplishing things and I almost always succeed at anything that I try. However, its too easy for me to escape life and I'm constantly looking for a way out. It's almost as if I get bored with my life or bored with the way things are in general in this world. I always have to add excitement and beauty to it, when really, its not all that dull, theres just not witches, wizards, and dragons flying around.

Just Keep Those Sleigh Bells Jinglin...

Christmas definitely snuck up on me this year. I still can't believe its only 3 days away. I feel like I didn't have time to get excited about it, let alone prepared. The extremely odd warm weather isn't helping me either. I relate a lot of different smells to the feeling of christmas, one of them being the smell of wood burning stoves when you walk outside, which no one has been using this year because its been 60 degrees. And so, I feel extremely robbed of my christmas spirit. My usual demeanor of happiness and light heartedness around this time of year is completely absent. Is this what christmas is like for all adults? A holiday that just sort of happens in the middle of every day life and responsibility? It scares me to not possess that feeling, I've been trying to get in the mood, but its just not there. Instead, this year I seem to be more stressed by christmas than anything. And at this point, stress is a more familiar feeling to me than any other emotion. I also chose to work christmas day and new years day as I desperately need the money, you know, so I can buy school books for next semester. It shouldn't be too bad since I'm going to be in the house with family anyway, might as well be by the computer getting double time for it and it shouldn't be too hard to sit at the computer with a hang over. Anyways, happy holidays.

The Sociopath Next Door...

I'm reading an extremely interesting and almost horrifying book right now called The Sociopath Next Door. Did you know that 1 in every 25 americans is a sociopath? Now, at first, I was extremely surprised at this, however, as I read on and reevaluated people in the world today it made perfect sense to me that 1 in every 25 of us don't have a conscience. It would make sense that the person that almost ran you over with their car would feel no remorse or guilt at the fact they almost killed someone or bumped someone in a crowd or jumped in line or stole something from a store or robbed a bank. However, one of the most interesting points in this book is that those people are the only sociopaths we truly recognize, the ones that commit crimes and get caught. What about all the people that get away with it or the sociopaths that aren't violent or openly commit crimes? There are many reasons why we don't recognize such sociopaths and it is simply because those of us who do have a conscience constantly make excuses for those of us who don't or we choose to ingore them or we are so manipulated by them we can't even tell that something isn't quite right about Bob.

There are several types of sociopaths. There are the psychopath sociopaths, which are the people that commit serious crimes and/or kill other people, a lot of these people are in jail, or at least I hope so. However, there are also the sociopaths that often go unrecognized. These include (to name only a few because I haven't finished reading the book yet) the covetous sociopaths, which are the people that have an "inordinate desire" for the possessions of others and will therefore do anything to somehow sabotage people they are most often jealous of or in fact strip that person of what they have that the sociopath desires. This isn't necessarily a possession but can also be a personality trait or beauty or accomplishments etc. There is also the intellectual sociopath, which are most often your business men or lawyers etc. These are the power hungry sociopaths, the people that will do anything for their own personal gain, and I mean anything (because they don't have a conscience), in order to obtain a feeling of power over other people. Then, there is the average sociopath, the sociopaths that don't equal the intellectual sociopaths in intelligence, good looks, or charm but obtain their sense of power by more mediocre tasks. An example she gives in the book of the average sociopath was a man, who they reffered to as "Stamp Man", because he would break into local postal offices, steal all of their stamps, and then sit somewhere close by to watch as the early morning workers panicked and called the police. He was almost always caught for this, however, he didn't care, the pleasure he got out of this was enough for him to not care about the consequences or even think about them.

I am just completely side swiped by this information. It's extremely hard for me to imagine not having a conscience, to inflict pain on someone or be the cause of putting someone in danger or manipulating someone enough to cause them anguish or sabotaging someones life, just for the hell of it, for the pleasure, and not feeling any remorse or guilt because of it. Just amazing...1 of every 25 of us was born without a conscience, without a jiminy cricket, scary.

So, how many sociopaths do you know?

Why?

So, its 1am and I am sitting here drinking a bottle of apple Boone's Farm, that isn't mine I might add, while staring at the blank and unstimulating computer screen trying to find some source of motivation in order to write something. It use to be so easy for me to write when I was younger, anything and everything inspired me...I just feel more and more jaded by the world the older that I get, "simple" things don't have the affect on me that they once did and so now I must be hit by a motivational cinder block to have any kind of inspiration to write. Perhaps I set this standard for myself somewhere along the way to write something meaningful, touching, surprising, interesting, etc instead of just writing because it makes me happy. Or perhaps this standard was forced upon me, this way of thinking, and I just allowed it. I feel so forced by society to set standards for myself, to have these huge expectations of myself even when it comes to my writing, something that use to be so simple and easy for me, something that use to belong to me completely. Most of the time I wish that I never submitted to this, I wish I had never let myself fall subject to the high expectations that society as well as my family has set for me. I submit to these things by constantly succeeding at whatever is placed before me by them or by feeling immense guilt for any failed attempt. Why?

I don't regret many things because I truly believe that any decision that I make, good or bad, has an overall possitive affect on any decision I might make after that. This is because I choose to turn every experience into something that I've learned instead of repeating the same mistakes. However, I do regret the strong grip that I have allowed things in this world to place upon me. Instead of fighting this control I accept it as life and base decisions around those barriers.

I constantly wonder what life would be like if society hadn't drawn such a solid line between what is acceptable and what is not, what is supposed to be achieved in life and what isn't considered fulfilling. Happiness is so important to me, as well as balance, and I repeatedly feel thrown from those two things. How can I ever achieve them if I can never be completely content with my life, and in this world, contentness and comfortability are so often the equivalent of either riches or fame, and most of the time they go hand in hand. I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous, I think both of those things are such a waste of life, yet, they are extremely desired by our entire society. Why?

I don't know, at this point I am just rambling. However, it has been a constant struggle of mine, the hardship of choosing what will make me the happiest and what is "right". I need to break free of this grip and just say fuck it, so what if I don't become a doctor, so what if I choose the life of a hermit and live in a tree somewhere. Its so obvious to me that living a life without happiness isn't a life at all, I just need to take that leap, put my happiness first and then everything else second. I will take responsibility for my own happiness and whether that is considered right or wrong from here on out, I could care less.

"It may be that we are puppets-puppets controlled by the strings of society. But at least we are puppets with perception, with awareness. And perhaps our awareness is the first step to our liberation." -Stanley Milgram

Life As My Cat

I often find myself wishing that I was my own pet...Such a comfortable and loving position to be in...

Amanda comes home, I run towards her, while making that purring sound that she likes, and she gently places her 50lb book bag on the bench as to avoid scaring me away. She then sits in the middle of the kitchen floor, just like one of us, to make it easier for me to climb into her lap and drool lovingly all over her jeans. I have nothing in the world to worry about, I depend on her to feed me, clean my litter box, spend hours upon hours petting me, the kind of devotion, love, and attention that I know she wouldn't waste on any human, and then let me fall asleep on her chest, which I know can't be very comfortable for her, but she allows it anyway. Every now and again I will scratch at the wooden railing and sit inside the kitchen sink, both of which she scolds me for, but that kind of reprimanding is always followed by oodles of compliments about how beautiful and good I am. I always reciprocate these acts of love by nudging her in the head with mine when shes sleeping, keeping her clothes warm while shes in the shower right after she is done ironing them, and not to mention placing myself directly on top of anything that she might be reading or paying the slightest bit of attention to. If only all cats were victims of such unconditional love, I know that I'm lucky, hey look, a house fly.

From Katie...

ForEverDance17 (11:51:33 AM): I just want you to know how amazing I think you are. This semester was such a struggle for all of us, but when I look at you and the amount of stuff you take on, it blows me away. You are such a smart, beautiful person inside and out and I think your busyness and hard work was overlooked a lot this semester. We were all upset that we never got to see you anymore, but no one took into consideration that the only thing you were trying to do was keep your head above water and succeed and I just want you to know, no matter how corny it sounds, that I am so unbelievably proud of you. When it comes down to being mad and frustrated with life, I think about all you do and it makes me feel not so bad. SO, I just want you to know I love you to death and am so glad you made it!

As I sit here in tears I realize just how much I needed something like this to come from someone I care so much about. It is moments like these when you realize who your true friends are, the people that are there for you for better or worse, through the good times and the bad. I love you, so very much, and saying that I love you doesn't even seem like enough, so, I'll say this also: For the rest of my life I will try and make you as happy as you have made me with that short paragraph that I see before my eyes.

Last Night

So after my Anatomy/Physiology final last night my professor took us all out for a drink, it was the least he could do after putting us through the absolute hell that he did. At the beginning of the semester he said that the first round of drinks were on him. By the end of the semester that turned into drinks all night because there was only about 13 of us left out of 40 something, good for us...Anyways, we enjoyed running that tab up as high as we possibly (physically) could and then we decided that karaoke was an excellent idea. Let me just say, karaoke is extremely tricky when alcohol is involved. Simply because it is much easier as well as much harder to do karaoke when you're drunk. I'll explain, it's much easier to actually get the balls to go up there and sing in front of people but much harder to actually read the words on the screen. And I'll tell ya, I never knew I was such a good (entertaining) rapper. I'm sure I would have made Kanye proud with my version of Gold Digger. I almost died with laughter though when I realized they changed the line, "but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga" to "but she ain't messin' with no brokey broke" I said, what the hell is a brokey broke, or something that sounded like that I guess and then continued to sing (butcher) the song.

All in all, I'd say last night was the perfect closing scene to this semester.

P.S. I dedicate this entry to all my brokey brokes out there, cheers!

The End Is Near...

I only have two days of school left in this semester (aka semester from hell) and an immense release of stress is hitting me in the form of a coma. All I want to do is sleep, to make up for all of the sleep I've missed over the past 3 months. Though, besides the release of stress, I was expecting to feel some other sort of relief in the form of feelings of accomplishment and triumph. Like there was going to be some sort of prize for learning all the bones, muscles, veins, arteries etc in the human as well as in animals (Note to self: replace human anatomy with something more useful)

I am one step closer to achieving my degree in Veterinary medicine and instead of feeling like Ive gained something I feel as though I've lost something extremely valuable to me. I feel so detached from myself lately and now that I have time to look back and reflect upon the past three months all I see is a vast bluriness that was my existence. Ive never needed a break from school so badly, medical school is not easy and working full time along with it should be against the law.

I can't wait to sit down and read a book that I actually want to read, I can't wait for all of the useless information crammed inside my brain to slowly leak out, and most importantly, I can't wait to close my eyes at night and see nothing but the back of my eyelids, as opposed to flashes of the male genitalia model I had to learn inside and out, literally.

It's almost like I've broken out of a shell of myself to discover that Im in the present actually being able to live my life. I'm slowly starting to shed the thick skin that got me through this semester. Anyway, I intend to focus on gaining my sanity back over my winter break so I can lose it again come spring, and oh yeah, its almost christmas.

So Far Down

I feel like I'm missing from my own life. A voided space that I use to fill is becoming an epidemic throughout my universe. My absence is spreading like a disease. I'm a ghost among the living, a shadow among the solid figures. For once, I'm not struggling with my identity, but with my existence. My goals have swallowed me whole.

Simultaneously, my personality feels comfortable with a certain amount of anonymity. It welcomes the absence, most of the time I'm totally fine with it, scary. I've never understood this about myself...how content I can be in my loneliness, how it suits me. I wallow in this, I indulge, its my creative fuel, I draw, I write, I play my guitar and I'm extremely empathetic. I love these things about myself, I just wish happiness could trigger these things instead of despair.

I'm 20 years old and I haven't figured out how to make myself happy...but I look at my little sister and I am happy for her, I see a flower bloom and I am happy for nature, I see a puppy born and I am happy for life, I look at myself and I see nothing...How do you make something out of nothing? I just wish I could plant myself somewhere and watch myself grow. Instead, I always find myself in a house of mirrors, not being able to recognize any of the 50 different reflections that gaze so quizzically back at me. I can see myself through other peoples eyes and I am proud of the person I am to them, I just wish I could remove that factor and be happy with myself.

Give Me Strength

I need to get through this, only a few more weeks...I just have one request of you, whoever or whatever you are, give me the strength...

Give me the strength to come out of this feeling relieved and happy with myself, because I did it. More importantly, give me the light...so that I may guide my loved ones through this dark space that I find myself. They followed me in here and I am haunted by their shadows.

And finally, give me the strength and the light and the hope for her, she needs me.

I know there is an end to this tunnel, I just hope and pray that they make it out of here with me. I won't leave any of them behind. I'll sacrfice myself for any of them before I let that happen.

My Canyon

I took a big leap yesterday. In my mind I make small steps seem like canyons. I have to go through a growing process to take that step, I have to grow wings to fly over that canyon. For this particular step someone gave me the wings I needed to fly and through trust for this person, not bravery, I took them.

Its so extremely scary for me, to be emotional in front of people, when really, all I needed to do was have a break down, a public one. My family didn't really know, until yesterday, that I'm tired and I'm stressed and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. Yesterday, I accepted their support, I let them catch me, I let them see me cry and I don't know why that is so terrifying for me. Of course all they are going to do is be there for me and help me and be a shoulder for me to cry on.

I have this immense fear of weakness, a fear of letting people take care of me, I'll always have myself, thats easy. But truly being able to let someone take care of you, and depending on them for that requires a certain amount of trust and comfortability that I have such a hard time accepting from people. I know in my heart that its there and it always will be, but actually letting people do that for me would be admitting that I can't do this on my own, admitting that I need people, admitting that I'm not the rock I lead people to believe I am.

I need to take these steps backward before I go any further in figuring out who I am. I need to pick up where I left off, as a little girl, when they teach you that its ok to cry...It's ok to be human, its ok to have moments of weakness, its ok to need people, its ok to cry...its ok to cry...its ok to cry...

Digging My Hole

I feel as though I'm falling into a deep dark pit of...routine. Lately I just want to sleep, to hide from my life, as well as from what my heart is telling me lately...I need something exciting to happen right now, something that makes my heart race, besides school. I think I need to remove some of the constants in my life and replace them with variables. However, this scares me, it always has...Not knowing the outcome of taking a chance, not even being able to predict slightly what may or may not happen. Courage escapes me a lot of the time, when it comes to myself, but I can be so brave and strong for other people when they need me to be. I just don't understand that. I get in my way. Every time I find the slightest bit of courage I replace it with a well guarded wall. However, I'm starting to learn, walls don't keep people out, they just box you in...

The Leaves Are Falling

I'm so in love with this time of year...it makes me happy and thats a big deal for me...happiness. The smells, the colors, the cool breeze...its so easy to fall in love with something so beautiful...so simple. And its truly uplifting, it gets inside of me and I start to change simultaneously with the changing of the leaves.

If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.

I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.

Insomnia Of The Soul

I haven't been able to sleep lately...I can't find peace of mind for some reason. I'm exaughsted as it is and not sleeping at night is driving me insane.

What bothers me the most is that I can't figure out why, at least I don't know all of the reasons. I'm sure a part of it is the fact that I'm very stressed out. However, I can't help but feel like there is something else there...I've felt very haunted lately, almost like I didn't deal with something that I was suppose to. I lay down to go to sleep and I can just feel my heart racing and I instantly feel restless. I can't calm myself down enough for my body to relax.

I feel like I don't have complete control over my emotions and I hate that. I want to sleep, I love to sleep, but my mind and my feelings are getting in the way and they are winning.

I fear that I'm not going to be able to rest until I gain some sort of insight into what exactly it is that is bothering me. I need clarity in my life, I can't handle it when things become cloudy, its extremely scary for me. Especially when it has to do with my own feelings. I can't go back to that dark place, a place where I am constantly confused about myself. I'm going to figure this out and deal with it.

Life Is Beautiful

I truly feel overwhelmed by all the beauty in this world, and more importantly, by the wonderful people that can be found in it and, in a way, confirm that beauty.

I've recently gotten close to someone that just makes me feel so...leveled. It was a closeness and a connection that happened in what seemed to be a matter of seconds and it was just so easy...I think its amazing and special when you come across these people in your life because, for one, it doesn't happen very often, and for two, it was obviously meant to happen. I feel like I've known this person for years and I also feel like a part of me was almost missing up until now. Like I finally found a piece in my puzzle that just fits so perfectly.

It feels good to be able to just let things be the way that they are and accept them for what they are, especially when you've found something so extraordinary. It's a bit harder to fully accept something for what it is when whatever it is isn't so pleasant.

"If you can't change it, you accept it"

Its very extreme to find yourself balanced by another person, like they compliment who you are. I feel like I'm a few steps closer to figuring out who I am because of it and theres no taking something like that for granted. It might be a long and hard two years, but I don't know, I don't feel so alone in it anymore.

No Time

I haven't had much time for my own thoughts lately, hence the lack of journal entries. If I'm not at school, I'm at work and if I'm not at work, I'm at school.

This is my life right now, and I accept that.

It's going to be a lot of hard work and sacrifice to reach my goal, but I'll get there and it will be so...worth it. Though, as I start to lose weight from lack of time to eat and start to gain the dark circles under my eys from lack of sleep, I start to wonder just how much self sacrifice is actually considered healthy, if healthy even at all. I'm waiting for my body to adapt to these changes, more of a hopeful waiting actually. I hope I can survive this with dignity and honor.

I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it shines on my face brighter and brighter with each passing day, it gives me the warmth that I need to survive, to get through this.

Everything is going as planned and it just keeps getting better. But...I can't help but feel like there is something still missing from my life, I think its me...

Sprinting Forward

I haven't been writing much lately...I've been too busy trying to suck every last drop out of the rest of my awesome summer...just chew on it until all the flavors gone...

I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.

I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.

Revisiting The Past

I just read my entire old blog...It kind of scared me...It's so dark in there...It seemed like I was on the virge of having some huge break down all the time...Maybe I was, I look at that and think, wow, was I really that unhappy? Did I even know I was that unhappy? A lot of those entries I don't even remember writing or where on earth they came from inside me. All in all, when I look at that, I see myself hiding...That's not me...

At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.

A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.

I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.

Woman Seeking...

Why is it so hard to find someone that is intelligent, has goals, doesn't smoke or drink excessively, knows how to use the english language properly, has passion for something, etc...

I mean, am I being too picky?

Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.

Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.

Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.

Quid Pro Quo

I was watching Silence of the Lambs the other day and I noticed something I've always felt while watching the movie but could never really define. I realized that the playful banter between Hannibal Lecter and Clarice is extremely annoying to me. Why must people play these games? Why can't everyone just be blunt and straight forward about things? If you have something you want to say to me, say it. If you are too afraid to say something to me plainly for what it means, than don't say anything. I hate it when people make comments or ask questions around a subject, its cowardly. Too many people go throughout their lives beating around the bush. If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well swing away. If not, stay in the dugout where you belong.

Sentimental Sorrows

As I was staring up at the sky, watching the beautiful explosions, I began to truly appreciate my life and how good it has been to me so far...I am truly grateful for so many things and so many people... For once, in a long time I've realized, I'm simply and truly happy.

I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.

I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...

Reality Check

Now that I've been partying for two days straight its time to come back to reality.

I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...

But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda

I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...

So, I know my name, at least

I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...

Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.

I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.

June

When I look back and reflect on this month I see weekend after weekend of just partying. I have literally gone to a party every weekend of this month, sometimes two-three days in a row. I'm just waiting for this to get old, so far, it hasn't. To continue this streak I'm going to Ocean City tomorrow night with some friends for the weekend. Two days of sex, drugs, and you would think rock n' roll, but this generation has replaced that with hip-hop...unfortunately

It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"

I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.

I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.

I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.

Am I rebellious?

Yes.

I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.

Moving On

I've finally done it, that last step I needed to take...At first I felt almost guilty in a way, like I was commiting an act of betrayal. At the same time it was an extremely freeing experience, full of excitement...getting that nervous feeling in your stomach, your heart beating rapidly...It was such a mixture of emotions, I don't really know how to feel, all I know is that I'm different now. I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm always going to have those feelings somewhere in me and they'll resurface from time to time. Everyone accumulates a certain amount of baggage. Though, right now, I feel like mine is fairly light. I am aware, however, that this feeling could be an illusion.

Sunshine

I haven't felt this light hearted in a very long time. Right now, there is nothing to stress me, not one thing. I have such a care-free summer ahead of me.

I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.

It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.

I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.

The Start Of Something....

There's nothing but success for me from here on out. I'm heading down that path, the one that was meant for me. I'm here to make a difference...

Party Time!

I GOT IN!!!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!! :)

Tomorrow Has Come And Gone

*Deep Breaths* I'm scared...Scared of not making it...The butterflies in my stomach have turned into unbearable pains. My mind and my heart are racing each other and I'm not sure which one is winning. I can't falter right now, I can't let go. I need to keep it together for just one more day, give me that.

The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...

I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...

What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.

The Eldest Sibling Complex

I've carried this burden for as long as I can remember, this responsibility...I'm not exactly sure as to how I assumed this role, it just sort of happens...With each success, with each endearing or proud moment...things are etched in stone...who they see you as and who you are becoming...It's harder to screw up when all you've done is good, but, at the same time, much easier to disappoint them. Expectations accumulate and the burden you carry gets heavier. I take care of myself and I do what I can to help my parents take care of my siblings. I'm rock solid, because I have to be. I'm the shoulder to cry on. Can't make mistakes. Can't have fun. There's no going back now is there.

For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?

I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...

All Alone...and...So What?

Well, here I am...alone. I'm so confused, why do people strive so much to be with someone. It's everyone's goal if they don't have a boyfried or girlfried, why? If your single you're suddenly an alien. I believe in meeting people in an interesting and spontaneous manner, I'm sorry, but I'm not the type to go searching and looking for someone. Frankly, I'm not that desparate or even interested at this point in time.

Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.

Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.

Dear Mr. President by Pink

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

Forever Young

You know, I think the statement, "You're only as old as you feel" is extremely true.

Well, I feel old.

I feel like I lack the ability to be young and stupid. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I would just like to not have a conscience, not have worries or responsibility. Please, take me back to a time when a day seemed like it would never end and the summers lasted forever. I want my naieveness back, my virginity, my happiness, everything, give it back.

Life only gets harder, its like runing up steps. You start out at the bottom, full of energy, not many steps behind you to jade you...Each step you take, leaves another step behind and it gets harder and harder to take a step the longer you've been running up them. These steps get more and more exaughsting. Some people aren't going up steps though, some people have more of like a slide. They run up the slide as fast as they can, get exaughsted much quicker and then slide back down to the bottom. For me, it feels like both, more like shoots and ladders with me actually. I'm on a ladder, but there's always that tempting shoot right next to me.

Down Or Up Hill From Here

I submitted my application yesterday...it feels more like I was submitting my future and now all I can do is wait...its out of my hands for a while

Obsession

I am really starting to enjoy being able to really focus on myself, physically and emotionally. It's such an odd sensation, having only myself to worry about and I can already feel myself starting to change, starting to grow. There are so many things that I want to do to better myself and I feel as though I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm a very artistic person and I really lost sight of that the past few years. Well, I've picked up my guitar, my writing, my creativity and it really defines me as a person, I'm ashamed that I let that part of myself go for so long.

At least now I know...not to let myself be shadowed by whatever relationship I am in, it's just not worth it in the end.

Lost

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's boredom or depression or if school and two jobs has finally caught up to me. All I know is I'm looking forward to the end of this semester and dreading it at the same time. With the completion of this semester of my life begins what I hope to be a huge step forward.

I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.

It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.

I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?

I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.

Irony Shmirony

Just when everything starts getting better for me...wham, some idiot rear ends me. My brand new car, I haven't even had it for a month yet. This is why I constantly go back to my pesimistic way of thinking. For some reason, I feel like I should have known that this was coming.

The Important Things In Life

My new car. It's amazing how much you appreciate things when the circumstances before were worse than they are now. My old car was horrible, however, because I dealt with such a horrible car and for so long I appreciate and enjoy my new car much more. It makes me wonder about people who just have everything they want and when they want it. I think that life without struggle is not much of a life at all. I believe that struggle builds character and that when the struggle is over you've grown and you can appreciate that growth and enjoy it for what it is and how it has changed you. A lot of people are consumed by money or even just the idea of it and it's a shame. I never want to be rich, I never want to have it all. If you have it all, what is left in life to fight for? 

The Changing of the Tides

I promised myself that I would never have one of those journals where I talked about what I did each day, however, I must talk about this!

I'm very excited because tonight I get to buy a whole bunch of stuff for my room, thanks to the exceptionally high increase on my credit card :) And thanks to the wonderful place that is Ikea, I'm going to buy a bed, a desk to work at and a dressor. I haven't had my own bed to sleep in for 6 freaking years ok and I always shared one before that so, you'd be excited too!

It's amazing how new things can make me feel so good and so...fresh really. It's kind of like starting over, like these new things represent the new me and its really the beginning of something. The beginning of something very new and it feels good. I'm actually going to be sharing a room with someone I truly get along with, someone I sincerely like. I mean, that's a huge change right there! I only see great things ahead of me and I only expect happiness. It's going to be a great summer.

The Age of In-Between

I feel like I'm stuck in this sort of age limbo right now. I've been an "adult" for two years now, however, there are still many things that I am prohibited from doing. I can vote but I can't drink, I can fight in a war but I can't rent a car. The differences in these things confuse me, you would think that they'd be reversed. I'm old enough to kill people and decide my countries fate but can't go and rent a car if I wanted to. It makes me realize that this entire country has so many things ass backwards and unfortunately those are very insignificant examples.

I've just recently seen a really great movie, a movie that really encompasses a lot of whats going on now and a lot of what I think may be in our future. Go see V for Vendetta. It's the scary truth.