My Canyon

I took a big leap yesterday. In my mind I make small steps seem like canyons. I have to go through a growing process to take that step, I have to grow wings to fly over that canyon. For this particular step someone gave me the wings I needed to fly and through trust for this person, not bravery, I took them.

Its so extremely scary for me, to be emotional in front of people, when really, all I needed to do was have a break down, a public one. My family didn't really know, until yesterday, that I'm tired and I'm stressed and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. Yesterday, I accepted their support, I let them catch me, I let them see me cry and I don't know why that is so terrifying for me. Of course all they are going to do is be there for me and help me and be a shoulder for me to cry on.

I have this immense fear of weakness, a fear of letting people take care of me, I'll always have myself, thats easy. But truly being able to let someone take care of you, and depending on them for that requires a certain amount of trust and comfortability that I have such a hard time accepting from people. I know in my heart that its there and it always will be, but actually letting people do that for me would be admitting that I can't do this on my own, admitting that I need people, admitting that I'm not the rock I lead people to believe I am.

I need to take these steps backward before I go any further in figuring out who I am. I need to pick up where I left off, as a little girl, when they teach you that its ok to cry...It's ok to be human, its ok to have moments of weakness, its ok to need people, its ok to cry...its ok to cry...its ok to cry...

Digging My Hole

I feel as though I'm falling into a deep dark pit of...routine. Lately I just want to sleep, to hide from my life, as well as from what my heart is telling me lately...I need something exciting to happen right now, something that makes my heart race, besides school. I think I need to remove some of the constants in my life and replace them with variables. However, this scares me, it always has...Not knowing the outcome of taking a chance, not even being able to predict slightly what may or may not happen. Courage escapes me a lot of the time, when it comes to myself, but I can be so brave and strong for other people when they need me to be. I just don't understand that. I get in my way. Every time I find the slightest bit of courage I replace it with a well guarded wall. However, I'm starting to learn, walls don't keep people out, they just box you in...

The Leaves Are Falling

I'm so in love with this time of year...it makes me happy and thats a big deal for me...happiness. The smells, the colors, the cool breeze...its so easy to fall in love with something so beautiful...so simple. And its truly uplifting, it gets inside of me and I start to change simultaneously with the changing of the leaves.

If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.

I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.