Biden

"Ya know" I am such a sucker for inspirational speeches. I thought Biden did a wonderful job, his speech made me tear up quite a bit. This guy has a lot of heart, I'm lovin it. You know what they say-democrats fall in love and republicans fall in line.

I'm in love :) Cheers!

Feeling

I'm feeling down today, for several reasons. All of those reasons can be overwhelming so a lot of the time I just smoke or drink my troubles away but every once in a while, on a dry day, I'll have to deal with them. That-is the truth. It reads worse than it actually is but I'm not in the mood to fluff shit up for people today. Maybe it reads exactly the way it should be read. Maybe it means exactly that-I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic and people should stay away from me. Right? This is how I'm feeling today. Unwanted and falling way short of what is considered good enough.

People seem to be so concerned with obtaining some sort of status here, based on other people's standards, I just don't see the point in it anymore. Does it really have any true value or meaning at all? I'm not unaware of the fact that I'll eventually get sucked in one way or another. I'm sure it will feel somewhat close to escaping prison, feeling the sweet breeze of freedom on your cheek, and then going back and turning yourself in.

Adulthood-is a bitch, freedom seems to come at the price of imprisonment, it just puts on a different mask when the clock strikes 18. I'm running from it right now, from it all, catch me if you can...

Obama 08

Now-I have had a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to Barack Obama. All through the primary and when he first won the nomination I was just hating everything about him but I eventually realized it was a big majority of his supporters (rich college kids that jumped on the "its cool to vote for Obama" band wagon) that I disliked, not actually him. So soon enough I warmed up to him and the idea that at least Hillary would get the VP nomination. I also watched his biography and that really left me feeling inspired; but then he goes and chooses Biden and I don't really have an issue with Biden, I like him, I just know that Hillary would do a better job as the VP of this country than him and she freaking deserved it. So once again I was mad at Obama. The story doesn't end here though because I have to say-after seeing Michelle Obama's speech last night I am oficially convinced that I like him. She did such an amazing job, I was extremely impressed. I was just sitting here thinking, wow, that is Obama's wife right there and then I just felt really good about the whole Obama thing again. Plus, they're an attractive bunch, I mean, would you rather look at them or McCain for 4 years? Anyway, Hillary's speech is tonight and I can't wait. She's giving him all of her delegates-because shes classy :)

Lonely

Everyone is sleeping and I feel alone. There has always been a certain loneliness that goes along with staying up way past what is considered acceptable for a "work night" or "school night". I use to do it all the time when I was a teenager, then it felt empowering and refreshing to finally find some silence and time to think and now it just feels depressing for some reason. I use to embrace the fact that I was a loner, I defined myself by that, I didn't really need anyone-what a crock of shit. Now that I am really alone I wish that I was nothing but alone. Funny how that works...

The fucked up thing is if I could just fall asleep I wouldn't have to feel any of this...I'd be dreaming like the rest of you. I hope you're not taking it for granted like I do when I sleep peacefully :) Anyway, my sleeping schedule is way jacked up at this point; I'm not really even sure if you could call it a schedule anymore. Really there's nothing "schedule" about me at this time in my life. Right now I'm inconsistent, irresponsible, contradicting, rebellious, and I just got distracted by the infomercial about the knife that can cut through everything, you know the one...And this is what night time television is like-I feel so brain dead. I shouldn't be thinking about which allergy medicine is best for me and if I see that male enhancement commercial one more time...I'll probably do nothing. I'm just rambling at this point-good night.

Through the trees

"It doesn't matter which way you go, it all leads to the same shit." K

I was on a drive through the woods this past Saturday with K and W and it was amazing, as usual. We drove slowly through the trees, listening to music as beams of sunlight peeked in on us, spreading warmth and happy thoughts. We were in K's neck of the woods and so she was directing me as I drove and the above quote was her reply to my question-which way should I go next? She was joking and started to laugh about what she had just said but I had to stop her because I recognized a certain melancholic tone. K really cracks me up but I'm suspicious that she tries to cover up how she truly feels with jokes, so I like to call her out on it every now and then, I care about her and shes my friend so I have the right, right? Anyways I couldn't help but dissect her statement and it made me think and I of course shared my thoughts with the group cause well-that's what we do. We share. Not just thoughts or feelings, its literally how we survive in this society. We have an odd little communism going on, I love it. Anyways...

So what if the destination always remains the same for you as an individual or for us as humans. Its how you get there that makes it different and therefore you different, we give to and take from our experiences. And I'm not just speaking generally because you could say that death is the ultimate destination and we're all headed there but I'm realizing that it's not the destination that's important, its the journey. Yes, we're all gonna die and yes, it all leads to the same place, but I think you have control over how you get there and at which pace you want to go. Right now-I honestly feel like I have little to 0 control over what is going on in my life but at the same time I recognize how I got here and accept total responsibility. Which means, in a sense, a few steps from now I will look back and see the bit of path I've walked and recognize that I've made those steps and those decisions and then look ahead and feel totally lost; but at least I can look back and recognize it as my own and as hard as that can be sometimes, its also what makes me different.

Weirdness

I avoided a potentially awkward situation today. I'm not sure why exactly except that I just didn't want to ruin anyone's evening. I don't set out to cause trouble, in fact, I'll avoid it at all costs. I myself don't like feeling uncomfortable and I can't imagine who would really. Perhaps I just make things more difficult than they are. Perhaps there's nothing to feel awkward or uncomfortable about and I just create these fears and anxieties in my head. Though, the entire set up of the situation just seemed so impossible, it truly caught me off guard and there was definitely some panic involved because I had a brief moment where I just froze and thought to myself-really? what are the odds of this? Now I'm just over analyzing the situation trying to figure out what would have been the "right" way to handle it. At the same time I'm not really sure if there is a right or wrong way, just my way. Today my way was to do a complete 180 and walk in the other direction.

Things I don't need

"It's like taking a lens, focusing on a spot of grass and declaring it a forest." W.

Instead of putting a table in our dining room W and I decided to pitch a tent there. I mean, you don't really need a dining room table, you don't necessarily need a tent in your dining room either but a tent, a tent has many uses and infinite possibilities and there's only so much you can do with a dining room table. It's like being in a different world in which you can occasionally peer upon your life outside of it, its a strange and sometimes scary perspective. I'll look out into the living room and all I see are just things, I don't really need them to survive. All I really, truly need is shelter (I now have a tent), food (I could lose a few pounds), and water (easily dispensed from the faucet).

I'm also convinced the tent is magical. Time seems to just fly by when you're in there. I think its because time just doesn't exist in that place, I didn't want it in there. Really, I just enjoy sitting across from someone and talking about anything/everything and not having to worry about the environment, the background noise that can easily distract you from having a real conversation, but not in the tent, all you have is you and I like that. This tent has been my first major contribution to the communal area of the apartment and I love it more than my own bed. Honestly I've spent a ridiculous amount of time in there since we put it up. It's like a sanctuary inside of a sanctuary for me. I'm already thinking of all kinds of themed tent parties, which, by the way, we now call "The Dome". It sounds way cooler when I say it but anyways.

I've realized that I no longer live a conventional life, I don't want to. I rarely ever plan ahead, plans only lead to disappointment for me. The more and more I think about it a plan just seems like an eager attempt to make an experience feel genuine, maybe you don't need a plan. I'm done with going to school to become a doctor, that's what everyone else wanted for me. What I want to do is-everything. I don't want to pick one career and just walk that path for the rest of my life. I want to learn and experience as much as I possibly can and it seems like that would be impossible if I just chose one profession, not to mention unfair. When I do the same thing for a long amount of time I get bored and then I go on autopilot which then leads to me feeling depressed and under stimulated. I want to go to culinary school, I want to travel, I'm about to start an electrician apprenticeship and it wont be the last of the apprenticeship programs I enter either, I like doing things with my hands and I just think it'd be useful to learn a whole bunch of different trades.

I've been listening to a song called Grace by Saving Jane a lot lately and there are a few lines in that song that sing true to the way I've been feeling but there's one line in particular I'd like to share with you now:

"I struggle with the gift of my own free will."

I'm not struggling anymore-I'm free. I never in a million years thought I'd be happiest sitting in a tent, in the middle of a dining room, in the middle of the city. Cheers!

Glowing amber, burning hot

Burning slow.

Lately I feel like my life is taking major turns and new paths are opening up that I never thought I'd have to walk down and it scares me. I always thought I'd have my family and I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't hurt because it does, deeply. It's a loneliness that stings because now it feels like I have no foundation, nothing to fall back on if I did in fact have no one else. Even writing that it seems like a selfish reason to want a family and its not the only one but its definitely what I feel the most now that I've been exiled, banished because I spoke my true feelings. That seems to be biting me in the ass a lot lately.

When I complain about my life I also like to think about the things for which I am grateful. Right now I am grateful for W. He's my room mate and my best friend and if I didn't have him right now I'd truly be lost. I'm not ashamed to say that I need him right now and that's because he exudes a level of comfort and welcome that's hard to deny, even for me. I appreciate that more than I could ever express in words. He's my wing man, my goose, basically my homo-life mate and we're taking on the world, shaking things up and trying new things and that's something that I have to be excited about. I'm not alone and I've decided that life is too short to let any kind of opportunity pass me by, if its right in front of me, I'm going for it. W showed me a quote and I couldn't help but feel like it really summed me up right now.

Quote: Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen,
but its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

I'm not at a point in my life where I'm just going to wait for things to happen to me, you have to make a move, at least do something and I realize that now.

Just Done

I realize that I'm at a point in my life where I have little to zero tolerance for other people's bull shit. A lot has gone down in the past few days and I'm shockingly ok with it, I'm actually less stressed because of it. Basically my mom now knows how I truly feel about the fact that she's dating the man that she cheated on my dad with 3 years ago, the man she swore to all of us that she'd never see again, all the way up to my dad's dying days. It just amazes me, its salt on an old but fresh wound. I feel like I've barely gotten to grieve the death of my father and now I have to deal with seeing that asshole? I just can't act like everything is dandy, my siblings and I are all very hurt by this yet I seem to be the only one that actually has the balls to say something. Sorry mom-I'm not shoving this one under the rug. I didn't even tell my mom how I felt directly, not at first anyway. I went and talked to my aunt about the situation, get my feelings out, talk to an adult that could possibly shed some light on the issue, someone more mature than me, someone with more perspective. In the end, I chose the one person that would leak my mom's dirty little secret to the rest of the family. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but on a subconscious level I wanted people to know. I decided that its not my responsiblity to keep this hidden and I refuse to carry the burden of that responsibility. I'm just not in a place to do that anymore and I don't think that I ever will be again. She made this decision, not me. Anyways, somehow my mom found out that I had "talked" and then proceded to send me some of the most hurtful text messages ever. Childish things. I'm pretty sure her words were, "Wow, you stabbed ur own mother in the back. What the hell did I ever do to you? I have done nothing but support you and your decisions even if I thought they were wrong. You're lucky I paid your car off before I found this out, you're not getting another penny from me. Also, I wouldn't drive your car too much because I'm taking you off my insurance."

And this is where I just rip that to shreds. First of all, she has no right to call me a back stabber, I mean, look in the freaking mirror. If there was nothing wrong with what you are doing than why do you need to hide it? Second of all, I haven't asked my parents for anything since I was 17 and she offered to do that for me, I never would have asked, they would have repoed my car before I would have asked. Thirdly, as a parent, isn't it your responsibility to step in if you think I'm making the wrong decisions or at least say something?

If all she has is things and money to take away from me than she truly hasn't gained anything, but she's lost a great deal. Now I really have gone from having 2 parents to 0. I will not speak to her. I told her that she's obviously made her decision and that we should just be done with it. I am parentless, hell, familyless if you ask me. I dont want to have anything to do with anyone, not even family members that aren't involved in this situation. Cut off. Honestly I feel relieved not having to deal with family right now, I've voiced my opinion and I've been kicked out. So be it. And hey, I'm the gay one, totally disposable right?

I feel like I no longer have anything binding myself to this place...I want to live where other people vacation.

If days could build a stairway...

You know how when a lot of bad things are happening all at once and for an extended period of time but you eventually get to that point where you sigh with relief because things are finally starting to get better? Yeah-I'm just not feeling that. My life has been an absolute shit storm for a year and 5 months now and I got nothing, but who's counting. Without a doubt this will be the year that I look back on and I think, damn, my life was just a mess. And you know what-I am a mess. I am a huge mess right now and people are freaking out. A couple of weeks ago my mom told me that she would pay off my car for me but that phrase was followed by-you need to get yourself together. That's not the only time she said those words that week either by the way. And trust me people, I know better than anyone else that I need to get a grip. On the other hand I feel like this is my time to be a mess. I was the golden child for 22 yrs, they had it easy sailing with me, I deserve this damnit. I deserve to be not ok, this is my fuck up time, every teenager gets it, so I'm a little late, give me a break.

I just, I don't know, I don't feel like I can move forward. And to add onto everything else that I'm going through my mother started seeing him again, it hasn't even been more than 4 months since my dad passed away. I suddenly feel so lost...I feel like I went from having 2 parents to having 0...I'm so done with this year.