I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me
you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm
I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move
I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me
[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true
[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
I don't know...
How do you give advice to someone or console someone when that's all they have done for you your entire life? How do you find the words when the tables are turned, so suddenly and without warning?
Ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer he comes to talk to me often...Sometimes its just to tell me about something nerdy that he's read and I'll pretend like I'm extremely interested, I was always good at that...it's because I love him and I know it makes him happy. Other times, like a few minutes ago, he'll come to me to talk about how he's feeling or about how him and my mom got into a fight, or if him and the twin got into it. This time, it was all three of those things, at once. I have been wondering when the fighting would start for a while now and here it finally is...And here I am, stuck in the middle, as each of the parties involved comes to me to talk about it...
Seeing my dad cry is one of the hardest things to bare, if not the hardest...And it makes me feel more good than bad that my dad feels comfortable confiding in me and that he values my input. However, whenever I am left to regroup after one of these conversations I am consumed by a sadness that is so overwhelming that I just don't know how to feel or what to do or where to go to for help. I don't like discussing these things with people that are a part of my life, I don't like to see my friends saddened by what I'm going through and you can see it in their eyes if I do decide to talk about it. So, more often than not, the burden that each of them gives to me is left with me and that is where it stays. I'm just so scared that one day my legs will buckle out from under me...
Ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer he comes to talk to me often...Sometimes its just to tell me about something nerdy that he's read and I'll pretend like I'm extremely interested, I was always good at that...it's because I love him and I know it makes him happy. Other times, like a few minutes ago, he'll come to me to talk about how he's feeling or about how him and my mom got into a fight, or if him and the twin got into it. This time, it was all three of those things, at once. I have been wondering when the fighting would start for a while now and here it finally is...And here I am, stuck in the middle, as each of the parties involved comes to me to talk about it...
Seeing my dad cry is one of the hardest things to bare, if not the hardest...And it makes me feel more good than bad that my dad feels comfortable confiding in me and that he values my input. However, whenever I am left to regroup after one of these conversations I am consumed by a sadness that is so overwhelming that I just don't know how to feel or what to do or where to go to for help. I don't like discussing these things with people that are a part of my life, I don't like to see my friends saddened by what I'm going through and you can see it in their eyes if I do decide to talk about it. So, more often than not, the burden that each of them gives to me is left with me and that is where it stays. I'm just so scared that one day my legs will buckle out from under me...
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Moving On Up
The best friend just graduated college. She graduated cum laude, got her BA in English with a minor in German. I'm so friggin proud of her. Even though she is 6 months older than me I'm still allowed to say I'm proud of her, but only because I've lived directly across the street from her since I was 5, I have rights damnit.
*sigh*
It seems like just yesterday we were all dancing to Mariah Carey and Madonna in my living room when we had no furniture and building forts. Oh, to be young again...
It's a special thing-to know someone from such a young age. To grow up with them and still have that connection. She's one of my soul mates. Which brings me to the thing about soul mates. I don't believe that each person has just one soul mate and I don't believe that that person necessarily has to be a lover. I believe there are people in your life that you were meant to meet and that those people will have an important affect on your life, whether they be a friend, a lover, or even an enemy.
While I was at her graduation I was talking with her dad about photography. He use to teach photography at a university and I was telling him that I wanted to learn about photography this summer and was thinking about taking a class. He somehow convinced me to take him on as my mentor, I like Mr. Loy, but by the time I am done talking with him it feels like my ear is going to fall off. The man can talk. Anyway, he has a dark room in his basement and he's going to teach me how to develop and he's already warned me about how critical he is, but I like criticism and I'm a perfectionist too, so I plan to learn a lot from him this summer. He gave me this old camera to work with and a few rolls of film and told me to start taking pictures and that if he saw me with a digital camera in my hand he'd lecture me about "the old days" when there were no digital cameras. So I'm going to try and avoid that as much as I possibly can.
I hope to get a scanner so I can post the pictures I develop over the summer. I love summer for this very reason, it gives me time to work on my own projects and set goals for myself. Let's see if I can stick with this.
*sigh*
It seems like just yesterday we were all dancing to Mariah Carey and Madonna in my living room when we had no furniture and building forts. Oh, to be young again...
It's a special thing-to know someone from such a young age. To grow up with them and still have that connection. She's one of my soul mates. Which brings me to the thing about soul mates. I don't believe that each person has just one soul mate and I don't believe that that person necessarily has to be a lover. I believe there are people in your life that you were meant to meet and that those people will have an important affect on your life, whether they be a friend, a lover, or even an enemy.
While I was at her graduation I was talking with her dad about photography. He use to teach photography at a university and I was telling him that I wanted to learn about photography this summer and was thinking about taking a class. He somehow convinced me to take him on as my mentor, I like Mr. Loy, but by the time I am done talking with him it feels like my ear is going to fall off. The man can talk. Anyway, he has a dark room in his basement and he's going to teach me how to develop and he's already warned me about how critical he is, but I like criticism and I'm a perfectionist too, so I plan to learn a lot from him this summer. He gave me this old camera to work with and a few rolls of film and told me to start taking pictures and that if he saw me with a digital camera in my hand he'd lecture me about "the old days" when there were no digital cameras. So I'm going to try and avoid that as much as I possibly can.
I hope to get a scanner so I can post the pictures I develop over the summer. I love summer for this very reason, it gives me time to work on my own projects and set goals for myself. Let's see if I can stick with this.
Friday, May 11, 2007
Gravity
I woke up this morning to the sound of cracking plastic and the voice of my mother screaming call 911...I opened my eyes and thought, this is it, this is happening now...and then I saw my dad run into the hall for the phone and I was temporarily hypnotized by a tsunami of relief that washed over me, my bed was the ocean and I was floating there for a moment. I snapped out of it and ran downstairs, my mom was already out in the street checking the vitals of the guy that crashed his motorcycle into a tree and flew about 20 ft right into the front of our yard...
Life is so fragile. I feel so suffocated by this truth lately. It feels like the universe is trying to teach me something and its all happening simultaneously and with no consideration for time or how much I can handle at once. Why my street, why my yard, why did that poor guy hop onto his motorcycle without a helmet? One small miss judgment of the turn at the end of my street and you find yourself flying through the air trying to hold onto your soul, but the force of the crash, the pain of the fall, and suddenly you're just a mangled image of a life, lying on the ground.
There's so much gravity in this world...forcefully pulling us to the ground when all we seem to want to do is fly...but we can't let go, we hold on, despite the pain. We can't let go of the beauty and the fleeting moments of happiness, because they're worth it. They're worth it, they're worth it, they're worth it...
Life is so fragile. I feel so suffocated by this truth lately. It feels like the universe is trying to teach me something and its all happening simultaneously and with no consideration for time or how much I can handle at once. Why my street, why my yard, why did that poor guy hop onto his motorcycle without a helmet? One small miss judgment of the turn at the end of my street and you find yourself flying through the air trying to hold onto your soul, but the force of the crash, the pain of the fall, and suddenly you're just a mangled image of a life, lying on the ground.
There's so much gravity in this world...forcefully pulling us to the ground when all we seem to want to do is fly...but we can't let go, we hold on, despite the pain. We can't let go of the beauty and the fleeting moments of happiness, because they're worth it. They're worth it, they're worth it, they're worth it...
Monday, May 07, 2007
Is Love So Fragile...
I was listening to leather and lace by Stevie the other night while I was on a drive and I realized something...I don't want to write about what I realized because I don't want to jinx it, rather, I don't want to bring attention to it because I'm trying this new thing where I just let things be, whether it be realizations or events, instead of over analyzing it all and destroying it's simplicity...
Hmm...can't do it
Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.
I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?
Ugh, spring always does this to me.
It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.
*sigh*
I'll be waiting forever.
Hmm...can't do it
Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.
I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?
Ugh, spring always does this to me.
It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.
*sigh*
I'll be waiting forever.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Two Thumbs Up
So I had a very eventful weekend. It was my friend's birthday and his girlfriend and I spoiled him the entire time. Friday we took him to the club and I got him drunk, he did the same for me when it was my birthday, except he was turning 29 but I still wanted to return the favor (have my revenge). While we were at the club I was practicing different ways to get rid of men that want to hit on me. I have tried many things, I've gone to the club in a plain white t-shirt and jeans before and that didn't even work. Anyway, I think I may have discovered something amazing-the thumbs up. Not only does this seem to confuse them, but I think it may scare them a little bit as well. I was dancing with my friends and this guy starts to approach me, he is saying something to me but I'm already ignoring him and out of nowhere, I'm not sure what possessed me, I gave him a thumbs up. He got the strangest look on his face and then he kept on walking. My friends and I laughed and we decided to test this further, sure enough, it got rid of every guy that started to talk to me, gold mine! I tested this out in the car today as well. I'm sitting at a red light and the usual creepy guy in a truck pulls up next to me and starts to stare, I look back at him and unleash the thumbs up. He looked very confused and immediately stopped staring, it also looked like he was trying to figure out how a retarded girl got a license because I definitely started to laugh to myself about the whole thumbs up thing. By the way, I have been driving so much lately that my left arm is visibly tanner than my right, just thought I'd share.Saturday we went to his kick ball games, I REALLY wanted to play. I think I might join one of their leagues, it could be a fun summer thing to do. I miss being part of a team, even though I wouldn't necessarily consider kick ball a sport, it still looked like a hell of a lot of fun. It's more of like an adult social club type thing where you drink beer at the game and have a good time. I could drink beer and have a good time but I'm also extremely competitive and would definitely have to win, not all of the time but most of the time. Speaking of my competitive nature, Sunday we went and played miniature golf and yes, I lost (you still owe me 20 bucks Josh, I don't care that it was your birthday weekend, man up!).
Finally, I will be retreating to Chincoteague this weekend for a nice, relaxing time at the beach with my close friends to further celebrate his birthday. Man, I'm starting to think we are all just looking for an excuse to celebrate something. Anyway, my grandparents have a house there and I think it will be good for me to get away and get my mind off of things and drink, don't forget the drinking. Everyone knows that any good beach house is made up of 90% liquor and my grandmother is native american so enough said there. Not to mention going for a walk on the beach at night is one of my favorite things to do, minus the various creatures that inhabit the beach at night, but we usually get along. Stories to come next week.
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