Is Love So Fragile...

I was listening to leather and lace by Stevie the other night while I was on a drive and I realized something...I don't want to write about what I realized because I don't want to jinx it, rather, I don't want to bring attention to it because I'm trying this new thing where I just let things be, whether it be realizations or events, instead of over analyzing it all and destroying it's simplicity...

Hmm...can't do it

Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.

I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?

Ugh, spring always does this to me.

It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.

*sigh*

I'll be waiting forever.