Revisiting The Past

I just read my entire old blog...It kind of scared me...It's so dark in there...It seemed like I was on the virge of having some huge break down all the time...Maybe I was, I look at that and think, wow, was I really that unhappy? Did I even know I was that unhappy? A lot of those entries I don't even remember writing or where on earth they came from inside me. All in all, when I look at that, I see myself hiding...That's not me...

At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.

A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.

I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.

Woman Seeking...

Why is it so hard to find someone that is intelligent, has goals, doesn't smoke or drink excessively, knows how to use the english language properly, has passion for something, etc...

I mean, am I being too picky?

Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.

Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.

Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.

Quid Pro Quo

I was watching Silence of the Lambs the other day and I noticed something I've always felt while watching the movie but could never really define. I realized that the playful banter between Hannibal Lecter and Clarice is extremely annoying to me. Why must people play these games? Why can't everyone just be blunt and straight forward about things? If you have something you want to say to me, say it. If you are too afraid to say something to me plainly for what it means, than don't say anything. I hate it when people make comments or ask questions around a subject, its cowardly. Too many people go throughout their lives beating around the bush. If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well swing away. If not, stay in the dugout where you belong.

Sentimental Sorrows

As I was staring up at the sky, watching the beautiful explosions, I began to truly appreciate my life and how good it has been to me so far...I am truly grateful for so many things and so many people... For once, in a long time I've realized, I'm simply and truly happy.

I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.

I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...