Reality Check

Now that I've been partying for two days straight its time to come back to reality.

I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...

But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda

I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...

So, I know my name, at least

I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...

Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.

I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.

June

When I look back and reflect on this month I see weekend after weekend of just partying. I have literally gone to a party every weekend of this month, sometimes two-three days in a row. I'm just waiting for this to get old, so far, it hasn't. To continue this streak I'm going to Ocean City tomorrow night with some friends for the weekend. Two days of sex, drugs, and you would think rock n' roll, but this generation has replaced that with hip-hop...unfortunately

It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"

I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.

I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.

I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.

Am I rebellious?

Yes.

I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.

Moving On

I've finally done it, that last step I needed to take...At first I felt almost guilty in a way, like I was commiting an act of betrayal. At the same time it was an extremely freeing experience, full of excitement...getting that nervous feeling in your stomach, your heart beating rapidly...It was such a mixture of emotions, I don't really know how to feel, all I know is that I'm different now. I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm always going to have those feelings somewhere in me and they'll resurface from time to time. Everyone accumulates a certain amount of baggage. Though, right now, I feel like mine is fairly light. I am aware, however, that this feeling could be an illusion.