Counting

I love the smell of the air right before it snows. That icy smell that is so beautifully complimented by the distinct scent of wood burning stoves and the fuzzy glow of lights. When the wind blows my eyes tear up and its always a mixture of the physical and the emotional. There's a certain sadness that blows in with the cold wind of winter, a certain chill that sends a small shiver throughout my body, a concrete feeling that I associate with the months of this season. Somehow this is balanced by the warmth that the celebration of a holiday brings. Some people embrace it, others reject, but I'm feeling neither here nor there. I'm here for the ride but only as an observer. I've decided that I need to relax and enjoy my life right now, because really, what's not to enjoy? I appreciate my circumstances because I know that it's not always going to be like this. I believe that acceptance goes hand in hand with appreciation and I accept myself right now, perhaps for the first time in my life. I've come a long way in the past few months and I'm proud of my exploration and experiences. I've accomplished a lot, not in the way of discovery, but in the way of acceptance, of appreciation, of pride, of self-worth, of me. I'm comfortable, I'm cozy, I'm warm and I created that heat, I didn't extinguish the spark this time. The flame may have burned some bridges, but I'm not counting my losses here, I'm counting what I've gained and-it's a lot.

New Tat

In celebration of my emancipation I got a new tattoo last Saturday. Apparently the foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo, and I must say, it hurt a lot more than my other tat. In the midst of the tattooing the guy that was doing it stops and looks up at me, and I could tell he had some kind of realization, and he says to me, "Are you a lesbian?" Ha ha, I thought that was so funny, I said yes and then he says, "Good, cause I was going to say, this is pretty gay." Ha ha, classic moment for me, classic and then he started to hit on me, is that some kind of an ego thing with straight men or what? Anyways, it will look a lot better once it has healed, the yellow looks orange because I'm a bleeder.

Have a happy thanksgiving!

P.S. I got the job at Barnes & Noble

Emancipating Me

I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I don't know where I belong. I'm not saying that I thought my emancipation would be easy...the fact that I miss certain things and people so much is what surprises me and I miss my freaking cats. Right now I'm struggling with keeping my head held high...its hard for me to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Keeping my eyes on the prize seems impossible when the prize is something I imagine, a dream of mine that always seems just out of reach. This is me forcing myself to go for it, I took away all of the obstacles...but created new ones simultaneously. I've always had a problem with sticking to the reality of things. The reality is that I left my home and my family at a difficult time, but where do I draw the line between doing what is best for them and doing what is best for me? The reality is that I'm living in my friends living room and I have to pull out a couch bed when I want to go to sleep but how do I know when I've over-stayed my welcome? The reality is that I'm sad about a lot of things and happy about things that haven't happened yet. The reality is that things only seem to be getting harder and I don't know when its ok to give up. Is it ever ok to give up, to admit defeat, admit that maybe I'm not strong enough for this right now? No, I'm too stubborn for that...I'll die trying to do this before I take a step back into the nest. I may lose some things, maybe even some people...I just hope that in the near future I'll be able to lay my head down on my pillow and wake up in place where I feel like I belong. I'm surrounded by people that have no idea what its like to not have a home, I'm alone, truly alone in that aspect and I'm tired of soaking this inch thick mattress with my tears of self pity. Suck it up Amanda, swallow this pain for just a little while longer. I can do this.

Its Been A While

So yeah, I know, I've been neglecting the crap out of my blog lately, but, a lot has been going on. So, right, updates. As of last week I moved out of my house and I am staying with some friends (I freaking love you guys). I'm also currently looking for a second job, I have an interview at Barnes & Noble today, woo...I'm going to be hopefully working there for the holiday season and mainly its just to hold me over until I obtain my bartending certification and then a job somewhere doing that. Once I secure the bartending job I'll be bringing in enough income to move into my own apartment and thus get off of my friend's sofa bed. So, that is the plan/goal. There's not really much else going on in my life, my current job is good, girlfriend is great, I'm a little pissed at my dad but that should fade. Anyways, how are you guys?

The World In Which We Exist

I wanted to post something but didn't really feel like writing-I wrote this a while ago...

I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone had complete confidence in themselves. Picture a world without insecurity or without doubt. A world in which everyone was always 100% sure of themselves and their actions. It's hard for me to decide whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see a world full of accomplishments and peace, where things get done in a timely and orderly fashion, a world where relationships last and families stick together. However, at the same time, I see a world in which the wrong kind of people don't second guess themselves or their actions. It would basically be a world that had good and evil split directly down the middle, completely black and white, and it gets rid of that middle ground, that in-between, that area of gray.

I like hanging out in the gray area. I am neither good nor evil. I am human, I make mistakes and I can appreciate the fact that I have doubts and insecurities because it means I am constantly changing, constantly growing and constantly questioning who I am as an individual. I am morosely introspective and I've always worried about people that completely reject self examination. How could you be completely content with yourself, at any given point during your existence here? Take yourself out of it even and look around you, the world is constantly changing, it never stops, not for you and not for anyone else. So how is it possible to not change with each minute that passes each and every day that you exist in this place that is constantly in motion?

The unfortunate answer is this-People simply ignore the changes, they ignore the world around them and how it affects their life and what's even worse is the fact that they ignore the influence and the affect that they have on that world, on their environment and on the people that are a part of their lives. What's even scarier is that no matter the degree of separation, we are all somehow connected to one another and we affect one another constantly.

Too many people live in their own little world, a world that they selfishly exist in, alone and without any regard to anyone or anything else. There doesn't have to be a black and white, we can all exist in the gray area together, we just have to realize that nobody is perfect and we can all share that common ground, just be considerate of the people next to you, the people that touch you and the people you touch.

Philosophy for today:

Be resolute. Faulty execution does less harm than a lack of resolution. Materials turn bad more often in repose than in motion. There are people who can't make up their minds and need a push from others. At times this is caused not by perplexity, for they see clearly enough, but by inactivity. It may be ingenious to identify difficulties, but it is more so to find a way of eluding them. Other people are bogged down by nothing and have great powers of judgment and resolution. They were born for lofty pursuits and their clear understanding lets them succeed with ease. No sooner done than said, and there is still time left over. Sure of their luck, they venture forth with even greater confidence.

The Rain and the Wind

I can't sleep. It's windy and raining outside and I've just been lying here watching the shadows of the trees dance across the walls. As I sit here I start to think about life and death. I began to touch upon something I've secretly believed ever since I was a young teenager. Its been since then that I've felt like I had no real direction, no real purpose or motivation, and overall trouble with deciding what I wanted to make out of my life...It was also then that the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn't meant to live a long life, maybe I wasn't suppose to know because I didn't really have to know...When I think about that now it seems like the easy way out, tragic, but easy; like I was searching for an answer and that was the only solid thing I could come up with at that time. Those thoughts usually came to me when I was sitting in the back seat of a car staring silently out the window. When we were driving in the rain I would stare at the rain drops jaggedly gliding down the glass. I would try and predict the direction of each drop based on the other drops it slid into. I was trying to control their path, their destiny...trying to control something that I was physically close to, only separated by a thin and transparent piece of reality. When I think about that now I think about how each single drop relates to a single person and each single person is jaggedly gliding down their own piece of reality, constantly bumping into someone else which alters their path slightly and therefore their final destination and with each interaction they take a piece of that drop with them, some of them joining completely and gliding the rest of the way down together. When I was younger I didn't yet have that sense of being helpless, that loss of control and I never even considered the direction and harshness of the wind on the side of the glass...

Psycho.Babble.Bullshit.

I often wonder what my role is here, or actually, I have many roles, the thing I wonder about is how these roles are assigned to us or, better yet, why we are so willing to take them on. Is it for a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? Why is that so important? Why do we seek those things?

I've always felt like I didn't really belong to any particular category or type. Sometimes I feel so extremely fluid that I think I could be very happy with any path that I may choose, any decision I may make, so, how do I make that decision? There are so many things that I want to do but I want to do them simultaneously and so I end up choosing nothing, doing nothing, or half-assing those things all at once and therefore not really absorbing anything completely. Its overwhelming. Its exhausting.

I need to learn how to pace myself and I need to realize that I can do all of those things without them necessarily tearing me into pieces and running off in different directions. Anything that I may do or anything that I may take on doesn't isolate me or define me completely, it doesn't section me off. There's time...so why am I so anxious?

There's time, right?

Philosophy for today:

Look deep inside. Things are seldom what they seem, and ignorance, which sees no deeper than the bark, often turns to disillusion when it penetrates into things. In all things, deceit arrives first, dragging fools behind it in endless vulgarity. Truth is always late, always last to arrive, limping along with Time. Prudent people save one of their ears for truth, thanking their common mother, Nature, for giving them two. Deceit is superficial, and superficial people are quick to run into her. Discernment lives hidden away in retirement, so as to be more esteemed by the wise and the discreet.

North American Union?

Above you'll see a picture of President Bush, President Fox of Mexico, and Prime Minister Harper of Canada. During a discussion with my dad yesterday about 9/11 he brought up the very real and scary possibility of the North American Union. I was appalled by the things he showed and told me. Apparently the Bush administration is pursuing the idea of pretty much erasing our borders with Mexico and Canada to form one country and therefore allowing unimpeded movement of people (not that its very hard right now anyway) across all the borders. And perhaps the fact that its not very hard in the first place is to create a reason for pursuing the NAU. A ton of illegal immigrants are here already, why not just let them in, right? I'm sure there are a lot of things that Bush has done in order to make this idea seem like a good one. Like putting our country in debt, ignoring the immigration laws, creating a war...Perhaps the war on terrorism is the biggest one of those, pouring billions and billions of dollars into a cause that may have been created/allowed by the government in the first place and why? This could be one of the reasons.














After letting this marinate for a while I began to realize what this really means. The United States of America would cease to exist. We're talking about an entire new currency system (the Amero above), we're talking about completely throwing out the Constitution and therefore all of our expressed (not practiced) freedoms it contains, we're talking about less jobs for "Americans", we're talking about poverty, we're talking about another depression (due to the possible dollar drop?), we're talking about losing everything, we're talking about the possibility of another civil war...

I mean, I am outraged by this, honestly, I don't even really know what to say or do. Check out the CNN videos below.





Peers-let me know what you think, we're going to be drastically affected by this if it actually occurs.

Wii Arm

I can barely lift my right arm from the hard core Wii playing I was doing Tuesday night. I mean, what a work out, Christ, I threw my arm out pitching imaginary balls...technology is at that point where it's starting to scare me a little bit...

Will was determined to beat me at something after I beat him (kicked his ass so bad that his unborn children will feel the defeat) at Mario Kart. I do love a good competition, I'm going to have to get a Wii so I can work on my skills.

Before all the hardcore Wii playing Will and Donna took me to City Cafe, which was pretty good, good Mojitos and really good turtle cheesecake.


Philosophy for today:

Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict the things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle. Many perished from what they feared, but what good was fearing it when they took no steps to prevent it? Some people have a very loyal heart, given to them by nature, which always forewarns them and sounds the alarm, saving them from failure. It is not prudent to rush into troubles, but it is to meet them half way, in order to conquer them.

Aquarium

See how the blow fish smiles at me and mocks me like he knows something he's not suppose to know. Well, I'm sure by the time I got to him word had traveled far and wide that I was the girl that got shat on in the rain forest. Yes, that's right, shat on. I reached the top of that little elevator and 5 seconds later there was bird crap on my arm. I mean, really, really! Who gets pooped on at the aquarium?!?! What are the odds of that?!?! I swear, only me.

It's all right, you can laugh, I was laughing and the gf was laughing with me (at me). Anyways, besides that I had a great time at the aquarium. Cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Quit while you're ahead. All the best gamblers do. A fine retreat matters as much as a stylish attack. As soon as they are enough-even when they are many-cash in your deeds. A long run of good fortune is suspicious. You're safer when good luck alternates with bad, and, besides, that makes for bittersweet enjoyment (ha!). When luck comes racing in on us, it is more likely to slip and smash everything to pieces. Sometimes Lady Luck compensates us, trading intensity for duration. She grows tired when she has to carry someone on her back for a long time (that bitch hasn't carried me at all, ha ha).

Long Day

Jinx had an extremely rough day building her spice rack for wood shop. I, on the other hand, never took wood shop, I took sheet metal. I still have the scar on my left middle finger from using the ridiculously over-sized soldering iron they gave us to work worth. I mean, it was impossible not to burn yourself at least once a day in that class. Seriously, the soldering irons they gave us to use were the size of hammers, yet, the one the teacher used to do the demonstration (what our model was compared to for grading purposes) was the size of a pencil and easily maneuvered, how is this fair? So, my candle stick holder looked like shit. I'm so glad high school is over. I say that like I haven't been out of high school for the past three years, ha ha, it doesn't feel like that long ago...


Philosophy for today:

Know your best quality, your outstanding gift. Cultivate it and nurture all the rest. All people could have achieved eminence in something if only they had known what they excelled at. Identify your king of attributes and apply it in double strength. Some excel at judgment and others at courage. Most people force their intelligence and achieve superiority in nothing. Their own passions blind and flatter them until-too late!-time gives them the lie.

Euphoric Insecuric

I like to rhyme....rhyme is a funny word...

Lately whenever I go to write any kind of entry that I might consider substantial I get this extremely anxious feeling about me. I struggle with this whenever I am very happy. When I'm happy, I don't write much, I don't reflect much. I'm not really sure why but I lose all interest in introspection when I'm happy. Some of the time this scares me, but mostly I enjoy being content. The only reason it scares me some of the time is because I feel like I start to lose sight of myself when I'm wrapped in euphoria. What scares me even more is that I relate "myself" to an unhappy state and that's far from healthy.

Why is it so hard for me to find growth and change unless there is something in my life that either scares me or makes me unhappy? Is that just the way it works?

I don't know...I feel like I should be able to move forward and grow when I'm happy instead of stopping...it feels like I'm stopping right now and rolling around in my happiness and not really acknowledging the world around me, including myself. Is that so wrong? Should I even feel guilty and neglectful towards myself when I do this? Is it because I kept happiness at a distance for such a big chunk of my life that I don't really know what to do with it when it presents itself? And why the hell do I consider substantial entries depressing ones or sad ones? What is it that attracts me so much to being sad and jaded? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, after all of that I've decided to just be happy and screw everything else.

Philosophy for today:

Temper your imagination. You must sometimes rein it in and sometimes encourage it. On imagination all happiness depends: it should be governed by good sense. Sometimes it behaves like a tyrant. It isn't content to speculate, but swings into action and takes over your life, making it pleasant or unpleasant, and making us happy or too satisfied with ourselves. To some it shows only grief: for imagination is a homespun henchman of fools. To others it promises happiness and adventure, gaiety and giddiness. It can do all this as long as it remains unchecked by prudence and common sense.

The End Of The Best Book Series EVER!

So I finished Harry Potter a few days ago, but I've been somewhat busy at work this week, and oh, extremely lazy with my blog lately, other wise I would have written a post right after I finished it, when the gleaming tears of happiness were still freshly streaking down my cheeks. Anyways, I was extremely surprised with how J.k. ended it, I was expecting her to end it somewhat dark with a hint of a cliffhanger, but she didn't. I was very pleased with the ending and not really longing for any more books like I thought I would be, it truly was the end, she did an outstanding job, genius really. She deserves to be a billionaire, one of the few people I will actually say that about.

As for you non-harry potter fans that are sneering at this entry by now and probably stopped reading a few sentences ago-don't criticize the HP books until you have actually read them! If you have actually read them, at least up to and including book 3, then I will be happy to argue with you. I say that because the first two books are basically her introducing all of the characters (she is an awesome character writer, one of the main reasons I enjoy her books so much) and she doesn't really get into the plot until the third book.

In other news (ha) my summer is going very well so far, it has been quite eventful. I am going to Chincoteague again this weekend and then "camping" in the middle of August to conclude my vacationing for the summer. I say "camping" because I will be in the woods in a log cabin that has air conditioning, a kitchen, and a bathroom complete with shower, that's how I camp. Not that I couldn't rough it per say, I just prefer it this way, cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Associate with those you can learn from. Let friendly relations be a school of erudition, and conversation, refined teaching. Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation. Enjoy the company of people of understanding. What you say will be awarded with applause; what you hear, with learning. What draws us to others, ordinarily, is our own interest, and here that interest is ennobled. The prudent frequent the homes of courtly heroes: theaters of heroism, not places of vanity. Some are renowned for their learning and good judgment: oracles of all greatness through example and friendship. Those who accompany them form a courtly academy of gallant discretion and wisdom.

Concert Concert Bo Boncert

I would just like to say, for the record, I am officially in love with the lead singer of Lifehouse, thanks.

Overall, I have to say that was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I even bought a Goo Goo Dolls t-shirt and I never buy ridiculously over priced concert merchandise, that's how great it was. I mean, everyone in the pavilion sang along to Name and Iris, twas grand, you could literally feel the love (let it in) Sorry if you don't get that joke, ha ha.

Anyway, I am vacationing this weekend in Chincoteague/Ocean City (since they are like 45 minutes away from each other) The time in Chincoteague will be spent with family and the time in Ocean City will be spent partying with friends. I expect good times on all accounts :)

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog of late, nothing out of the ordinary for the summer time, I just have better things to do, or actual things to do, ha ha. Updates to come next week, hopefully I make it out of Ocean City alive, we'll see.

Philosophy for today:

Reach perfection. No one is born that way. Perfect yourself daily, both personally and professionally, until you become a consummate being, rounding off your gifts and reaching eminence. Signs of the perfect person: elevated taste, a pure intelligence, a clear will, ripeness of judgment. Some people are never complete and are always lacking something (me). Others take a long time to form themselves (hopefully me). The consummate person-wise in speech, prudent in deeds-is admitted to, and even desired by, the singular society of the discreet.

Playing House

So I got to play house with the girlfriend this past weekend, it was lovely. My friend needed someone to look after a house for him for a couple of days and take care of three dogs, one of which, I am officially in love with, he was so cute and goes by the name of Baxter.

Anyway, during our stay there we decided to prepare dinner and since I'm such an excellent chef, I cooked. I decided to cook the chicken on the grill since I'm an awesome griller as well. So I'm getting the grill ready and trying to get the damn thing to light. I turn the gas on, follow the directions by turning one burner on first and then hitting the ignite button. I hit the ignite button several times and its not lighting, so I lean in to further inspect the grill and hit the ignite button once again to see if I could at least see a spark going off. Well, needless to say, as I was leaned over the grill it decided to light that time, I mean, of course it did. And, well, the eye lashes on my left eye are now a bit shorter than the eye lashes on my right eye...I just love the smell of burnt hair...

It seems like things like this only happen in the movies or to me, I don't get it...

Philosophy for today:

Make people depend on you. A god is made not by adorning the statue but by adoring it. He who is truly shrewd would rather have people need him than thank him. Vulgar gratitude is worth less than polite hope, for hope remembers and gratitude forgets. You will get more from dependence than from courtesy. He who has already drunk turns his back on the well, and the orange already squeezed turns from gold into mud. When there is no longer dependence, good manners disappear, and so does esteem. The most important lesson experience teaches is to maintain dependence, and entertain it without satisfying it. This can hold even a king. But don't carry it too far, leading others astray by your silence or making their ills incurable for your own good.

Very Cool Type Of Profiling

I was very intrigued by this profile/personality test. Basically, you pick what pictures appeal to you for each topic and they profile you based on your visual choices. I thought it was very cool, very different and extremely accurate. Check it out, here is the link:

http://dna.imagini.net/friends/

This is the link for my results if you're interested:

http://friends.imagini.net/@636410-2a59

Tabs run along the side for each different category :)

Philosophy for today:

Knowledge and courage take turns at greatness. Because they are immortal, they can make you so. You are as much as you know, and if you are wise you can do anything. The uniformed person is a dark world unto himself. Judgment and strength: eyes and hands. Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.

Philosophy for Today

Keep matters in suspense. Successes that are novel win admiration. Being too obvious is neither useful nor tasteful. By not declaring yourself immediately you will keep people guessing, especially if your position is important enough to awaken expectations. Mystery by its very *arcaneness causes veneration. Even when revealing yourself, avoid total frankness, don't let everyone look inside you. Cautious silence is where prudence takes refuge. Once declared, resolutions are never esteemed, and they lie open to criticism. If they turn out badly, you will be twice unfortunate. If you want people to watch and wait on you, imitate the divinity.

*arcane
known or understood by very few; mysterious; secret; obscure; esoteric

I'm learning a lot of interesting words from this old book (written three hundred years ago). Sorry if you are already familiar with some of these terms, since I am not, I figured I would share the definitions of the words that I don't know.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

That is me at a Papa Roach concert. I know, I'm cool.

Featured on the 98 rock website, here's the link if you guys would like to check it out:

http://www.98online.com/photos-miller-lite-nite-07.asp

Eventful Week Ahead

First of all, this Thursday I will be attending The Fray's concert so I'm extremely excited about that. What can I say, my friends love me and they continue to spoil me with concerts; which is the very reason I am taking them to a Goo Goo Dolls/Lifehouse concert in July. For those of you who know me well, you should know that those two bands are two of my favorite bands of all time. So I'm very excited about that, but it's totally for them, I swear :)

Anyway, a very close friend of mine is celebrating her 22nd birthday this Saturday so we have a couple of events planned for the weekend as well. Friday we will be going to eat at Kobe and Saturday will be spent at Six Flags. Now, I love food and I love roller coasters, however, I have to say I'm somewhat dreading these two events a little bit and heres why. For one, Kobe, its really great food and good entertainment (it's the restaurant where you sit around a grill and watch the Japanese guy cook your food in front of you and do tricks etc) but it's also one of those places that I happen to continually embarrass myself while I'm there. I have been there twice, the first time I didn't really know what to expect, but I had a lot of fun, minus the fact that I always seem to be the one the chef picks on, no matter where I sit. Anyway, near the end of the "show" the chef cuts up little pieces of shrimp that he gracefully throws at you so that you can catch it in your mouth. Well-the first time that I ever went I didn't really know what was happening until it was too late and the little piece of shrimp had hit me on my forehead, I was of course the first one he chucked it at so by the time he got to everyone else they had their laugh and knew exactly what to do. The second time I went, I was determined to prove that I had great eye-mouth coordination and it's all I thought about the entire time, you can do it Amanda, you're ready this time. The mixture of anticipation and anxiety was enough to give anyone a heart attack. So, I see him set the little pieces of shrimp off to the side and I'm ready for it. He throws it at my little sister, she catches it in her mouth, he throws it at my mom, shes catches it in her mouth, he throws it at me and I lift my head up just enough so that it smacks me right in the eye. Bravo Amanda, bravo. So, needless to say, I'm not looking forward to that part of the dinner because I won't be with my family this time (who cares if I embarrass myself in front of them) but I'll be with my friends and my girlfriend. Ha-Wish me luck!

As for Six Flags, there's the obvious annoyance of standing in line for an hour for 2 minutes of thrill, however, I also have a curse. It seems to storm every time I go to Six Flags, not rain, STORM. So I have that to look forward to as well.

Philosophy for today:

Character and intelligence. The poles your talent spins on, displaying your gifts. One without the other brings only half success. It isn't enough to be intelligent; you must also have the right character. The fool fails by behaving without regard to his condition, position, origin, or friendships.

100th Post!

I've decided to celebrate my 100th post by adding something new to my blog. I came across this book, The Art of Worldly Wisdom by Baltasar Gracian. It's a pocket oracle and basically there is a philosophical statement of a sorts for each day of the year. You are supposed to read one each day and think/ponder about it. I've decided to share this with you guys just in case you want to think/ponder about things with me. :)

I'm not sure if I can keep up with the every day thing, I mean, it is me we're talking about here :) But I will try my best. Perhaps I will just select one from the book that may pertain to a particular entry or way that I'm feeling at the time. We'll see :)

But, to start it off, here's the very first one in the book:

All has reached perfection, and becoming a true person is the greatest perfection of all. It takes more to make one *sage today than it did to make the seven of Greece. And you need more resources to deal with a single person these days than with an entire nation in times past.

*sage
1. a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.
2. someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.
–adjective
3. wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Happiest Day Of My Life

My dad had his final CT scan yesterday after his first round (round meaning 6 treatments of chemo) of treatment to see if the chemo worked or not. If the chemo worked they would continue treatment and if it didn't work they would end treatment and give us a final prognosis.

Yesterday was also my mom's 40th birthday and she got the best birthday present ever-yesterday we found out that the tumor in his liver has shrunk down to less than half it's size and the tumor in his pancreas hasn't spread at all. My mother said that the Drs stared at my dad as if he were some kind of medical marvel, they couldn't believe it. Everyone at the hospital was ecstatic and the nurses were saying that they wanted to call my dad a few days ago when they got the results but the Drs made them wait.

My father is also taking part in experimental drug research, he is the 4th person in the country to try this drug and they said they are getting excellent results so far. The Drs also said that the one in a million chance they were telling us about in the beginning may actually come true. This will still be the cause of my father's death, but the 6 month prognosis has been changed to as much as 5-10 yrs if he continues to respond to treatment so well.

I'm not getting my hopes up here, however, this is the best news my family has had in a long time and I'm all for celebrating that :)

So, great news, great day for everyone and I happened to be enjoying a snowball with my mom, all alone-

Me: Mom, I have something kind of important to tell you...
Mom: Oh my god, what is it!? What's wrong?
Me: Ha ha, nothing is wrong mom, its just-I've been dating a girl for the past three weeks...
Mom: Ha ha, jeez, you scared me there for a second, I thought you got like a DWI or were in some kind of trouble or something
Me: A DWI? Thanks mom...so you're not shocked or weirded out by me?
Mom: Of course not honey, whoever makes you happy, makes me happy. I'm not shocked at all.
Me: Really? Why not?
Mom: Well, you rent and own a lot of gay movies for a straight person.
Me: Ha ha, good call. Well, thanks for being so understanding, can you tell dad for me?
Mom: Ha ha, why can't you tell him?
Me: I don't know man, that's like going to him and telling him I need to be on birth control or something
Mom: Ha ha, ok honey, I will tell him, he will be fine with it though

Get home, mom tells dad, dad's response-

Dad: Are you sure you're just not confused?
Mom: She's a little too old to be confused John
Me: Yeah dad, I'm definitely not confused
Dad: Ok honey, whatever floats your boat I guess

So my parents are pretty much awesome. Yesterday was the best friggin day I have had in a long time :)And, I thought for sure that they would act differently around me or wouldn't know how to act, but, they act as if nothing has changed. Life is good :)

Antibacterial Soap Isn't The Cure I Was Hoping For...

My dad had to miss another chemo treatment because his platelets and white blood cells are dangerously low, lower than they were the last time he had to miss a treatment...He is very close to the range that they have to hospitalize you and give you a blood transfusion. Now there is antibacterial soap all over my house and he has to wear a face mask whenever he leaves...I can't even begin to imagine how that must make him feel...Not only do I have to deal with the fact that my father is dying but now I also have to worry about accidentally giving him a germ that could potentially kill him...What kind of torture is this? Why am I even typing this right now?

I hate washing my hands with that soap...it hurts...it almost makes it too real, to feel the sadness on my hands...to hold it...to smell it...to rinse it away with water...

Out & About

I am now in a relationship.

Her name is Vanessa. She's wonderful and perfect for me :)

The past couple of weeks I can't help but feel extremely lucky. My friends have been nothing but supportive of me. It's a shame that sometimes when people come out with something like this they have to suffer some kind of loss and I feel like I have only gained so much and I have so much to be thankful for.

I feel like I have finally started a new chapter of my life and I'm extremely excited about it and very happy because of it.

Bring it on :)

Monday Night Madness

There is only one woman on this earth that could drink almost an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo with me on a Monday night and then wake up at 6am the next day :) Thanks for letting me borrow your girlfriend for a night Will, I had a great time beating her in pool and getting her drunk :)

Cheers!

P.S. I can only play DDR at like 100bpm or less and then its just hilarious because its so slow, there are pictures, these will not be posted.

Ryan Cabrera: True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I don't know...

How do you give advice to someone or console someone when that's all they have done for you your entire life? How do you find the words when the tables are turned, so suddenly and without warning?

Ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer he comes to talk to me often...Sometimes its just to tell me about something nerdy that he's read and I'll pretend like I'm extremely interested, I was always good at that...it's because I love him and I know it makes him happy. Other times, like a few minutes ago, he'll come to me to talk about how he's feeling or about how him and my mom got into a fight, or if him and the twin got into it. This time, it was all three of those things, at once. I have been wondering when the fighting would start for a while now and here it finally is...And here I am, stuck in the middle, as each of the parties involved comes to me to talk about it...

Seeing my dad cry is one of the hardest things to bare, if not the hardest...And it makes me feel more good than bad that my dad feels comfortable confiding in me and that he values my input. However, whenever I am left to regroup after one of these conversations I am consumed by a sadness that is so overwhelming that I just don't know how to feel or what to do or where to go to for help. I don't like discussing these things with people that are a part of my life, I don't like to see my friends saddened by what I'm going through and you can see it in their eyes if I do decide to talk about it. So, more often than not, the burden that each of them gives to me is left with me and that is where it stays. I'm just so scared that one day my legs will buckle out from under me...

Moving On Up

The best friend just graduated college. She graduated cum laude, got her BA in English with a minor in German. I'm so friggin proud of her. Even though she is 6 months older than me I'm still allowed to say I'm proud of her, but only because I've lived directly across the street from her since I was 5, I have rights damnit.

*sigh*

It seems like just yesterday we were all dancing to Mariah Carey and Madonna in my living room when we had no furniture and building forts. Oh, to be young again...

It's a special thing-to know someone from such a young age. To grow up with them and still have that connection. She's one of my soul mates. Which brings me to the thing about soul mates. I don't believe that each person has just one soul mate and I don't believe that that person necessarily has to be a lover. I believe there are people in your life that you were meant to meet and that those people will have an important affect on your life, whether they be a friend, a lover, or even an enemy.

While I was at her graduation I was talking with her dad about photography. He use to teach photography at a university and I was telling him that I wanted to learn about photography this summer and was thinking about taking a class. He somehow convinced me to take him on as my mentor, I like Mr. Loy, but by the time I am done talking with him it feels like my ear is going to fall off. The man can talk. Anyway, he has a dark room in his basement and he's going to teach me how to develop and he's already warned me about how critical he is, but I like criticism and I'm a perfectionist too, so I plan to learn a lot from him this summer. He gave me this old camera to work with and a few rolls of film and told me to start taking pictures and that if he saw me with a digital camera in my hand he'd lecture me about "the old days" when there were no digital cameras. So I'm going to try and avoid that as much as I possibly can.

I hope to get a scanner so I can post the pictures I develop over the summer. I love summer for this very reason, it gives me time to work on my own projects and set goals for myself. Let's see if I can stick with this.

Gravity

I woke up this morning to the sound of cracking plastic and the voice of my mother screaming call 911...I opened my eyes and thought, this is it, this is happening now...and then I saw my dad run into the hall for the phone and I was temporarily hypnotized by a tsunami of relief that washed over me, my bed was the ocean and I was floating there for a moment. I snapped out of it and ran downstairs, my mom was already out in the street checking the vitals of the guy that crashed his motorcycle into a tree and flew about 20 ft right into the front of our yard...

Life is so fragile. I feel so suffocated by this truth lately. It feels like the universe is trying to teach me something and its all happening simultaneously and with no consideration for time or how much I can handle at once. Why my street, why my yard, why did that poor guy hop onto his motorcycle without a helmet? One small miss judgment of the turn at the end of my street and you find yourself flying through the air trying to hold onto your soul, but the force of the crash, the pain of the fall, and suddenly you're just a mangled image of a life, lying on the ground.

There's so much gravity in this world...forcefully pulling us to the ground when all we seem to want to do is fly...but we can't let go, we hold on, despite the pain. We can't let go of the beauty and the fleeting moments of happiness, because they're worth it. They're worth it, they're worth it, they're worth it...

Is Love So Fragile...

I was listening to leather and lace by Stevie the other night while I was on a drive and I realized something...I don't want to write about what I realized because I don't want to jinx it, rather, I don't want to bring attention to it because I'm trying this new thing where I just let things be, whether it be realizations or events, instead of over analyzing it all and destroying it's simplicity...

Hmm...can't do it

Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.

I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?

Ugh, spring always does this to me.

It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.

*sigh*

I'll be waiting forever.

Two Thumbs Up

So I had a very eventful weekend. It was my friend's birthday and his girlfriend and I spoiled him the entire time. Friday we took him to the club and I got him drunk, he did the same for me when it was my birthday, except he was turning 29 but I still wanted to return the favor (have my revenge). While we were at the club I was practicing different ways to get rid of men that want to hit on me. I have tried many things, I've gone to the club in a plain white t-shirt and jeans before and that didn't even work. Anyway, I think I may have discovered something amazing-the thumbs up. Not only does this seem to confuse them, but I think it may scare them a little bit as well. I was dancing with my friends and this guy starts to approach me, he is saying something to me but I'm already ignoring him and out of nowhere, I'm not sure what possessed me, I gave him a thumbs up. He got the strangest look on his face and then he kept on walking. My friends and I laughed and we decided to test this further, sure enough, it got rid of every guy that started to talk to me, gold mine! I tested this out in the car today as well. I'm sitting at a red light and the usual creepy guy in a truck pulls up next to me and starts to stare, I look back at him and unleash the thumbs up. He looked very confused and immediately stopped staring, it also looked like he was trying to figure out how a retarded girl got a license because I definitely started to laugh to myself about the whole thumbs up thing. By the way, I have been driving so much lately that my left arm is visibly tanner than my right, just thought I'd share.

Saturday we went to his kick ball games, I REALLY wanted to play. I think I might join one of their leagues, it could be a fun summer thing to do. I miss being part of a team, even though I wouldn't necessarily consider kick ball a sport, it still looked like a hell of a lot of fun. It's more of like an adult social club type thing where you drink beer at the game and have a good time. I could drink beer and have a good time but I'm also extremely competitive and would definitely have to win, not all of the time but most of the time. Speaking of my competitive nature, Sunday we went and played miniature golf and yes, I lost (you still owe me 20 bucks Josh, I don't care that it was your birthday weekend, man up!).

Finally, I will be retreating to Chincoteague this weekend for a nice, relaxing time at the beach with my close friends to further celebrate his birthday. Man, I'm starting to think we are all just looking for an excuse to celebrate something. Anyway, my grandparents have a house there and I think it will be good for me to get away and get my mind off of things and drink, don't forget the drinking. Everyone knows that any good beach house is made up of 90% liquor and my grandmother is native american so enough said there. Not to mention going for a walk on the beach at night is one of my favorite things to do, minus the various creatures that inhabit the beach at night, but we usually get along. Stories to come next week.

Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...

And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.

Twin Quotes

I haven't laughed in weeks so I must post this...

I was just talking with the twin and the conversation went like this:

[Random moment of silence and then she starts talking again, I totally forget what we were talking about before this and you'll understand why in a few moments]

Twin: Wouldn't it be cool to live back in like the 1700's?
Me: Why the 1700's?
Twin: I don't know, it would be cool to see what it was like when pop pop was young
Me: Pop pop, as in dad's dad? (hysterical laughter almost coming, but I wanted to be absolutely sure as to what she meant)
Twin: Yeah, pop pop
[me laughing hysterically]
Me: If pop pop was born in the 1700's, he would have been like 200 something when he died
Twin: Oh, I don't know...
[moment of silence, and you would think the conversation ends here, but it only gets better]
Twin: So, in the 1700's, is that like before the cavemen, when dinosaurs were still around?
[I can't breathe at this point because I am laughing so hard and crying at the same time]
Me: No, dinosaurs were here before Jesus was even born, like way before then
Twin: Oh, so the 1700's were like when T.V.s were invented?
[blank stare from me, at this point I am not sure if this is hilarious or sad and then she continues to talk]
Twin: Or when the teeny boppers and hippies were around?
Me: That was like 40 years ago
Twin: Oh...I don't know!
[Me wiping the tears streaming down my face]

This might be the dumbest thing that she has ever said. It is moments like these that I want to deny any kind of relation to her, not even like a third cousin twice removed. This is almost as bad as when my dad and I were talking about the war and she said, "There's a war going on?"

Yep, I shared a womb with this person...I must have sucked up all the brain cells while I was in there.

More Proof That God Officially Hates Me

Is this what below rock bottom feels like? I mean really, its like I fell down weeks ago and now I'm just getting kicked around while I'm down here.

Let me just start this off by saying in all the years that I have been driving, I have not once been pulled over or gotten a ticket of any kind, not so much as a parking ticket. I'm sure you can see where this is going now... Last night on my way home from a friend's house, I'm driving down Harford road, listening to my Ipod, minding my own business, not in a particularly bad mood considering the absolute shit storm that has been hovering above my head, when all of the sudden I am being pulled over by "5-0" (what does that mean?) I pull over, I am pissed, but I try to remain calm thinking its something stupid like my tail light was out or something. He asks me for my license and registration and then says nothing, so I ask the traditional question ( it was like he was waiting for me to ask), "what seems to be the problem officer?" He then says I was doing 40 in a construction zone (!!!!!). For those of you who don't know Hardord road, it is ALWAYS under construction. Not to mention the area I was supposedly speeding in is covered in steel plates, there is NO WAY I was doing 40 over those things, that would totally fuck up my car and I would never do that to my car, I worked hard for my car and I take exceptionally good care of it. To add to my frustration the cop then asks me about my leg (I'm wearing this hideously ugly and extremely obvious cast/brace type thing now) and I tell him and he looks at me and smiles and then says, "Having a bit of bad luck lately?" I literally gave this man the most evil glare that I could possibly muster and then he said he would be right back. He came back with just a warning and oh yeah, a $40 ticket because I didn't have my license. And why didn't I have my license? A license that is practically like a Siamese twin to me any other freaking day of the year. Well, it just so happens that this was also the day that the twin asked if she could borrow my ID because she lost hers and wanted to go to the bar. I figured it would be ok, I mean, what are the odds of me getting pulled over by the cops today. WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS.

Update: I'm pretty sure that '5-0' comes from Magnum P.I. It was driving me crazy that I never really questioned where that came from so I googled it.

Fuck

First of all, my leg and foot are nowhere near that big, they are just swollen to about 3x their actual size. Second of all, I'm a clumsy idiot. Thirdly, I'm quite certain now that God flippin hates me.


How did this happen you might be thinking. Well, to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing. However, I'm fairly sure that I rolled it stepping (stumbling) off a curb Friday night. This curb might have been located right outside of the bar, or somewhere else in the parking lot, I'm not quite sure. It was all you could drink for $20 and boy did I get my moneys worth. I want to kill that bastard that kept bringing me shots, he kept coming back to me with his little tray, each time saying that he would surprise me with a different kind of shot. I'm not sure what I had but umm, surprise! Anyway, I'm going to try and go to the doctors today, I'm thinking it might be broken, which is just awesome because I probably can't head out to the farm to continue my equine and cattle training. I've learned I really like horses, cattle, not so much, unless they are being served to me on a platter.

Ya know, I need to snap out of it, I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately and adding a really bad limp to the mix is NOT helping. I probably shouldn't be drinking in the state of mind that I'm in anyway, this was just reckless.

What a great start to my spring break, woo...

The Veronicas-Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
theres nothing i can do

Cancer

My dad has pancreatic cancer. Turns out, they can't operate on him. It has spread from his pancreas to his liver, aorta, spleen and spine. He will start chemotherapy and radiation very soon, but eventually, this will kill him. I'm trying to ignore the 3-6 month prognosis that the doctors have given him...

This is too much for me to handle...Reality is hitting me like a wrecking ball and destroying everything in it's path. I feel completely outside of myself, almost as if it's someone else's life. You just don't think that something like this can happen to you until it does. You hear about this kind of thing all the time and you think, wow, that's so sad...But you never truly realize that it can happen to you just as easily as it happened to them.

My dad came to me yesterday...he said, "It's time for you to grow up now." The funny thing is-I thought I was so grown up and I can tell you now, I've never felt more like a little girl than I did when he said that to me...Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the strong one and that my dad can count on me to take care of everyone and every time someone says that to me I can't help but think-I have you all so fooled. I'm not strong, I'm not going to take this very well and this time I don't have a solution.

It hurts, physically. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, but that feeling of not being able to breathe never goes away. This makes everything else I've ever been upset about seem so extremely petty and unimportant.

My dad is one of the few people that actually understand me. He's one of the few people I can have the same 3 hour conversation with and not get bored or frustrated, if not the only one. He's...my dad. He's my dad and he's being taken away from me, from my family. I don't know what to do...I'm so scared...

Tidal Wave

The light that you use to cast over me has turned into shade, everything in my world has turned to darkness. I'm trapped in a cold place where I only have more and more memories of you and less and less future. Time has never been more fleeting and deceptive. Now I constantly have to fight it and it's never gone by so fast. I've never felt so defeated by anything or anyone.

It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...

I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.

That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.

Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.

Life

I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.

I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.

Sleepy Time Happiness

I think I'm happiest when I'm like this. Jinx is being a good watch cat by glaring at the culprit with the camera and clearly saying, can't you see we're trying to sleep here.

It's A Celebration

The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:

I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.

Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.

Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.

My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.

That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.

Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.

Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!

And Isn't It Ironic

It's interesting. What you'll do to hold onto someone that you love. My twin and my parents got into another one of those huge fights. You know, the type of fight where she says that shes leaving and never coming back and they say good, see ya! Well, this time she really was leaving, got a train ticket to Las Vegas( very typical of her), had her bags packed, and was going to be leaving tonight at 8pm. I went to school this morning but I wasn't really there, I was wherever she was. It hurt me more than I ever expected, the thought of not having her in my life the way that she is now. A few years ago and maybe even a few months ago I would have bought her the train ticket and drove her to the train station. But I don't know, something changed...and it wasn't her, it was me. I never realized how much control I had over my relationship with her, how much it was up to me to make that effort. For once in my entire life I stopped lecturing her, stopped trying to help her and just accepted who she was. Shes completely crazy and a complete wreck most of the time, but that's who she is and I love her. Anyway, a few hours ago some words came out of my mouth that I never in a million years thought I would say. I said, don't move to Las Vegas, give me until May and then we will move out together...I think I might be able to claim some sort of temporary insanity here. But even now, the thought of not having her in my life, makes me upset. If anything, she brings laughter into my life and always reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. Besides, I can't watch over her if shes hundreds of miles away...

I would say for about 20.5 years of my life I couldn't wait for that day to come, the day that I would move out and wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. And now, I just went and sentenced myself with a few more years...oh the irony of it all. This summer should be...interesting...

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.

The Final Frontier

My family and I were eating dinner a little while ago and my dad was explaining something about outer space to my little sister, I was tuning in and out of the conversation, but he did say something that caught my attention. He said, "In outer space, there is no such thing as up or down, there is only perspective." I couldn't help but think about how that applies to us even when we're not in a 0 gravity environment. And at that point I could have engaged in a 3 hour long philosophical discussion with my dad which would have somehow ended on the subject of god/the bible or politics because it always ends up there, I'm really the only person in my family that has the patience to tolerate any kind of long discussion with him (because I secretly like it too), but I wasn't really feeling up for it and so I decided to bite my tongue and write about it instead.

...

Right, so, totally lost my train of thought on this one. Its amazing how it was all just racing through my mind and now...nothing. To be continued...