And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.