Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...