Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...

And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.

Twin Quotes

I haven't laughed in weeks so I must post this...

I was just talking with the twin and the conversation went like this:

[Random moment of silence and then she starts talking again, I totally forget what we were talking about before this and you'll understand why in a few moments]

Twin: Wouldn't it be cool to live back in like the 1700's?
Me: Why the 1700's?
Twin: I don't know, it would be cool to see what it was like when pop pop was young
Me: Pop pop, as in dad's dad? (hysterical laughter almost coming, but I wanted to be absolutely sure as to what she meant)
Twin: Yeah, pop pop
[me laughing hysterically]
Me: If pop pop was born in the 1700's, he would have been like 200 something when he died
Twin: Oh, I don't know...
[moment of silence, and you would think the conversation ends here, but it only gets better]
Twin: So, in the 1700's, is that like before the cavemen, when dinosaurs were still around?
[I can't breathe at this point because I am laughing so hard and crying at the same time]
Me: No, dinosaurs were here before Jesus was even born, like way before then
Twin: Oh, so the 1700's were like when T.V.s were invented?
[blank stare from me, at this point I am not sure if this is hilarious or sad and then she continues to talk]
Twin: Or when the teeny boppers and hippies were around?
Me: That was like 40 years ago
Twin: Oh...I don't know!
[Me wiping the tears streaming down my face]

This might be the dumbest thing that she has ever said. It is moments like these that I want to deny any kind of relation to her, not even like a third cousin twice removed. This is almost as bad as when my dad and I were talking about the war and she said, "There's a war going on?"

Yep, I shared a womb with this person...I must have sucked up all the brain cells while I was in there.

More Proof That God Officially Hates Me

Is this what below rock bottom feels like? I mean really, its like I fell down weeks ago and now I'm just getting kicked around while I'm down here.

Let me just start this off by saying in all the years that I have been driving, I have not once been pulled over or gotten a ticket of any kind, not so much as a parking ticket. I'm sure you can see where this is going now... Last night on my way home from a friend's house, I'm driving down Harford road, listening to my Ipod, minding my own business, not in a particularly bad mood considering the absolute shit storm that has been hovering above my head, when all of the sudden I am being pulled over by "5-0" (what does that mean?) I pull over, I am pissed, but I try to remain calm thinking its something stupid like my tail light was out or something. He asks me for my license and registration and then says nothing, so I ask the traditional question ( it was like he was waiting for me to ask), "what seems to be the problem officer?" He then says I was doing 40 in a construction zone (!!!!!). For those of you who don't know Hardord road, it is ALWAYS under construction. Not to mention the area I was supposedly speeding in is covered in steel plates, there is NO WAY I was doing 40 over those things, that would totally fuck up my car and I would never do that to my car, I worked hard for my car and I take exceptionally good care of it. To add to my frustration the cop then asks me about my leg (I'm wearing this hideously ugly and extremely obvious cast/brace type thing now) and I tell him and he looks at me and smiles and then says, "Having a bit of bad luck lately?" I literally gave this man the most evil glare that I could possibly muster and then he said he would be right back. He came back with just a warning and oh yeah, a $40 ticket because I didn't have my license. And why didn't I have my license? A license that is practically like a Siamese twin to me any other freaking day of the year. Well, it just so happens that this was also the day that the twin asked if she could borrow my ID because she lost hers and wanted to go to the bar. I figured it would be ok, I mean, what are the odds of me getting pulled over by the cops today. WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS.

Update: I'm pretty sure that '5-0' comes from Magnum P.I. It was driving me crazy that I never really questioned where that came from so I googled it.

Fuck

First of all, my leg and foot are nowhere near that big, they are just swollen to about 3x their actual size. Second of all, I'm a clumsy idiot. Thirdly, I'm quite certain now that God flippin hates me.


How did this happen you might be thinking. Well, to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing. However, I'm fairly sure that I rolled it stepping (stumbling) off a curb Friday night. This curb might have been located right outside of the bar, or somewhere else in the parking lot, I'm not quite sure. It was all you could drink for $20 and boy did I get my moneys worth. I want to kill that bastard that kept bringing me shots, he kept coming back to me with his little tray, each time saying that he would surprise me with a different kind of shot. I'm not sure what I had but umm, surprise! Anyway, I'm going to try and go to the doctors today, I'm thinking it might be broken, which is just awesome because I probably can't head out to the farm to continue my equine and cattle training. I've learned I really like horses, cattle, not so much, unless they are being served to me on a platter.

Ya know, I need to snap out of it, I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately and adding a really bad limp to the mix is NOT helping. I probably shouldn't be drinking in the state of mind that I'm in anyway, this was just reckless.

What a great start to my spring break, woo...

The Veronicas-Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
theres nothing i can do