Thanks-Giving

Wide awake. Tomorrow is getting here faster and faster and I still can't do anything to stop it. I haven't really seen any of them since it happened. I always avoid going through pain with people. I always have to do it alone. So-tomorrow is hard. Tomorrow the questions hit me head on. Where have I been? The honest answer is not the one I will give them-I know that at least. The honest answer is that I really couldn't tell you. I've been in me. I've been lost and found and lost again. Endless cycles of confusion and desperation. I've seriously considered joining some type of military recently, just shipping off. Here is my life, you can have it, because I really have no idea what to do with it right now and maybe not ever again. Happiness doesn't seem to come naturally anymore. Deep down inside I'm sad but I refuse to let that consume me. I escape it-one way or the other-for better or for worse, its hard to distinguish which sometimes. I wish I could skip the holidays this year. I'll ask my mom for some Xanax, after all that is how I got through my dad's viewings and funeral. I always resort to numbness, that's so safe isn't it? Normally around this time of year I'm glowing with seasonal joy and now I just feel bitter towards it all. Is this pathetic? I'm not even sure if its possible for me to care at this point.

Happy Thanksgiving.

In a Time (Maya Angelou)

In a time of secret wooing
Today prepares tomorrow's ruin
Left knows not what right is doing
My heart is torn asunder.

In a time of furtive sighs
Sweet hellos and sad goodbyes
Half-truths told and entire lies
My conscience echoes thunder.

In a time when kingdoms come
Joy is brief as summer's fun
Happiness its race has run
Then pain stalks in to plunder.

Reality Bites

"See Lainy, this is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks."

I drink my coffee black now, we're out of sugar. Its gonna be a rough week, all we have in the kitchen is some grits and some oatmeal. We ate the last of the oodles of noodles for dinner last night. By the way-I eat my oodles of noodles with chopsticks and lots of asian chilli sauce, its more fun that way :)

Usually I'm really good with going into the kitchen and creating a meal out of thin air but I'm running out of ideas...If anyone knows what I could make out of grits and oatmeal and a few condiments here and there please let me know.

Though, the point of this entry-it doesn't matter if you're starving when you have excellent company :)

Biden

"Ya know" I am such a sucker for inspirational speeches. I thought Biden did a wonderful job, his speech made me tear up quite a bit. This guy has a lot of heart, I'm lovin it. You know what they say-democrats fall in love and republicans fall in line.

I'm in love :) Cheers!

Feeling

I'm feeling down today, for several reasons. All of those reasons can be overwhelming so a lot of the time I just smoke or drink my troubles away but every once in a while, on a dry day, I'll have to deal with them. That-is the truth. It reads worse than it actually is but I'm not in the mood to fluff shit up for people today. Maybe it reads exactly the way it should be read. Maybe it means exactly that-I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic and people should stay away from me. Right? This is how I'm feeling today. Unwanted and falling way short of what is considered good enough.

People seem to be so concerned with obtaining some sort of status here, based on other people's standards, I just don't see the point in it anymore. Does it really have any true value or meaning at all? I'm not unaware of the fact that I'll eventually get sucked in one way or another. I'm sure it will feel somewhat close to escaping prison, feeling the sweet breeze of freedom on your cheek, and then going back and turning yourself in.

Adulthood-is a bitch, freedom seems to come at the price of imprisonment, it just puts on a different mask when the clock strikes 18. I'm running from it right now, from it all, catch me if you can...

Obama 08

Now-I have had a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to Barack Obama. All through the primary and when he first won the nomination I was just hating everything about him but I eventually realized it was a big majority of his supporters (rich college kids that jumped on the "its cool to vote for Obama" band wagon) that I disliked, not actually him. So soon enough I warmed up to him and the idea that at least Hillary would get the VP nomination. I also watched his biography and that really left me feeling inspired; but then he goes and chooses Biden and I don't really have an issue with Biden, I like him, I just know that Hillary would do a better job as the VP of this country than him and she freaking deserved it. So once again I was mad at Obama. The story doesn't end here though because I have to say-after seeing Michelle Obama's speech last night I am oficially convinced that I like him. She did such an amazing job, I was extremely impressed. I was just sitting here thinking, wow, that is Obama's wife right there and then I just felt really good about the whole Obama thing again. Plus, they're an attractive bunch, I mean, would you rather look at them or McCain for 4 years? Anyway, Hillary's speech is tonight and I can't wait. She's giving him all of her delegates-because shes classy :)

Lonely

Everyone is sleeping and I feel alone. There has always been a certain loneliness that goes along with staying up way past what is considered acceptable for a "work night" or "school night". I use to do it all the time when I was a teenager, then it felt empowering and refreshing to finally find some silence and time to think and now it just feels depressing for some reason. I use to embrace the fact that I was a loner, I defined myself by that, I didn't really need anyone-what a crock of shit. Now that I am really alone I wish that I was nothing but alone. Funny how that works...

The fucked up thing is if I could just fall asleep I wouldn't have to feel any of this...I'd be dreaming like the rest of you. I hope you're not taking it for granted like I do when I sleep peacefully :) Anyway, my sleeping schedule is way jacked up at this point; I'm not really even sure if you could call it a schedule anymore. Really there's nothing "schedule" about me at this time in my life. Right now I'm inconsistent, irresponsible, contradicting, rebellious, and I just got distracted by the infomercial about the knife that can cut through everything, you know the one...And this is what night time television is like-I feel so brain dead. I shouldn't be thinking about which allergy medicine is best for me and if I see that male enhancement commercial one more time...I'll probably do nothing. I'm just rambling at this point-good night.

Through the trees

"It doesn't matter which way you go, it all leads to the same shit." K

I was on a drive through the woods this past Saturday with K and W and it was amazing, as usual. We drove slowly through the trees, listening to music as beams of sunlight peeked in on us, spreading warmth and happy thoughts. We were in K's neck of the woods and so she was directing me as I drove and the above quote was her reply to my question-which way should I go next? She was joking and started to laugh about what she had just said but I had to stop her because I recognized a certain melancholic tone. K really cracks me up but I'm suspicious that she tries to cover up how she truly feels with jokes, so I like to call her out on it every now and then, I care about her and shes my friend so I have the right, right? Anyways I couldn't help but dissect her statement and it made me think and I of course shared my thoughts with the group cause well-that's what we do. We share. Not just thoughts or feelings, its literally how we survive in this society. We have an odd little communism going on, I love it. Anyways...

So what if the destination always remains the same for you as an individual or for us as humans. Its how you get there that makes it different and therefore you different, we give to and take from our experiences. And I'm not just speaking generally because you could say that death is the ultimate destination and we're all headed there but I'm realizing that it's not the destination that's important, its the journey. Yes, we're all gonna die and yes, it all leads to the same place, but I think you have control over how you get there and at which pace you want to go. Right now-I honestly feel like I have little to 0 control over what is going on in my life but at the same time I recognize how I got here and accept total responsibility. Which means, in a sense, a few steps from now I will look back and see the bit of path I've walked and recognize that I've made those steps and those decisions and then look ahead and feel totally lost; but at least I can look back and recognize it as my own and as hard as that can be sometimes, its also what makes me different.

Weirdness

I avoided a potentially awkward situation today. I'm not sure why exactly except that I just didn't want to ruin anyone's evening. I don't set out to cause trouble, in fact, I'll avoid it at all costs. I myself don't like feeling uncomfortable and I can't imagine who would really. Perhaps I just make things more difficult than they are. Perhaps there's nothing to feel awkward or uncomfortable about and I just create these fears and anxieties in my head. Though, the entire set up of the situation just seemed so impossible, it truly caught me off guard and there was definitely some panic involved because I had a brief moment where I just froze and thought to myself-really? what are the odds of this? Now I'm just over analyzing the situation trying to figure out what would have been the "right" way to handle it. At the same time I'm not really sure if there is a right or wrong way, just my way. Today my way was to do a complete 180 and walk in the other direction.

Things I don't need

"It's like taking a lens, focusing on a spot of grass and declaring it a forest." W.

Instead of putting a table in our dining room W and I decided to pitch a tent there. I mean, you don't really need a dining room table, you don't necessarily need a tent in your dining room either but a tent, a tent has many uses and infinite possibilities and there's only so much you can do with a dining room table. It's like being in a different world in which you can occasionally peer upon your life outside of it, its a strange and sometimes scary perspective. I'll look out into the living room and all I see are just things, I don't really need them to survive. All I really, truly need is shelter (I now have a tent), food (I could lose a few pounds), and water (easily dispensed from the faucet).

I'm also convinced the tent is magical. Time seems to just fly by when you're in there. I think its because time just doesn't exist in that place, I didn't want it in there. Really, I just enjoy sitting across from someone and talking about anything/everything and not having to worry about the environment, the background noise that can easily distract you from having a real conversation, but not in the tent, all you have is you and I like that. This tent has been my first major contribution to the communal area of the apartment and I love it more than my own bed. Honestly I've spent a ridiculous amount of time in there since we put it up. It's like a sanctuary inside of a sanctuary for me. I'm already thinking of all kinds of themed tent parties, which, by the way, we now call "The Dome". It sounds way cooler when I say it but anyways.

I've realized that I no longer live a conventional life, I don't want to. I rarely ever plan ahead, plans only lead to disappointment for me. The more and more I think about it a plan just seems like an eager attempt to make an experience feel genuine, maybe you don't need a plan. I'm done with going to school to become a doctor, that's what everyone else wanted for me. What I want to do is-everything. I don't want to pick one career and just walk that path for the rest of my life. I want to learn and experience as much as I possibly can and it seems like that would be impossible if I just chose one profession, not to mention unfair. When I do the same thing for a long amount of time I get bored and then I go on autopilot which then leads to me feeling depressed and under stimulated. I want to go to culinary school, I want to travel, I'm about to start an electrician apprenticeship and it wont be the last of the apprenticeship programs I enter either, I like doing things with my hands and I just think it'd be useful to learn a whole bunch of different trades.

I've been listening to a song called Grace by Saving Jane a lot lately and there are a few lines in that song that sing true to the way I've been feeling but there's one line in particular I'd like to share with you now:

"I struggle with the gift of my own free will."

I'm not struggling anymore-I'm free. I never in a million years thought I'd be happiest sitting in a tent, in the middle of a dining room, in the middle of the city. Cheers!

Glowing amber, burning hot

Burning slow.

Lately I feel like my life is taking major turns and new paths are opening up that I never thought I'd have to walk down and it scares me. I always thought I'd have my family and I'm not going to pretend like it doesn't hurt because it does, deeply. It's a loneliness that stings because now it feels like I have no foundation, nothing to fall back on if I did in fact have no one else. Even writing that it seems like a selfish reason to want a family and its not the only one but its definitely what I feel the most now that I've been exiled, banished because I spoke my true feelings. That seems to be biting me in the ass a lot lately.

When I complain about my life I also like to think about the things for which I am grateful. Right now I am grateful for W. He's my room mate and my best friend and if I didn't have him right now I'd truly be lost. I'm not ashamed to say that I need him right now and that's because he exudes a level of comfort and welcome that's hard to deny, even for me. I appreciate that more than I could ever express in words. He's my wing man, my goose, basically my homo-life mate and we're taking on the world, shaking things up and trying new things and that's something that I have to be excited about. I'm not alone and I've decided that life is too short to let any kind of opportunity pass me by, if its right in front of me, I'm going for it. W showed me a quote and I couldn't help but feel like it really summed me up right now.

Quote: Its hard to wait around for something you know might never happen,
but its even harder to give up when you know its everything you want.

I'm not at a point in my life where I'm just going to wait for things to happen to me, you have to make a move, at least do something and I realize that now.

Just Done

I realize that I'm at a point in my life where I have little to zero tolerance for other people's bull shit. A lot has gone down in the past few days and I'm shockingly ok with it, I'm actually less stressed because of it. Basically my mom now knows how I truly feel about the fact that she's dating the man that she cheated on my dad with 3 years ago, the man she swore to all of us that she'd never see again, all the way up to my dad's dying days. It just amazes me, its salt on an old but fresh wound. I feel like I've barely gotten to grieve the death of my father and now I have to deal with seeing that asshole? I just can't act like everything is dandy, my siblings and I are all very hurt by this yet I seem to be the only one that actually has the balls to say something. Sorry mom-I'm not shoving this one under the rug. I didn't even tell my mom how I felt directly, not at first anyway. I went and talked to my aunt about the situation, get my feelings out, talk to an adult that could possibly shed some light on the issue, someone more mature than me, someone with more perspective. In the end, I chose the one person that would leak my mom's dirty little secret to the rest of the family. I didn't realize what I was doing at the time, but on a subconscious level I wanted people to know. I decided that its not my responsiblity to keep this hidden and I refuse to carry the burden of that responsibility. I'm just not in a place to do that anymore and I don't think that I ever will be again. She made this decision, not me. Anyways, somehow my mom found out that I had "talked" and then proceded to send me some of the most hurtful text messages ever. Childish things. I'm pretty sure her words were, "Wow, you stabbed ur own mother in the back. What the hell did I ever do to you? I have done nothing but support you and your decisions even if I thought they were wrong. You're lucky I paid your car off before I found this out, you're not getting another penny from me. Also, I wouldn't drive your car too much because I'm taking you off my insurance."

And this is where I just rip that to shreds. First of all, she has no right to call me a back stabber, I mean, look in the freaking mirror. If there was nothing wrong with what you are doing than why do you need to hide it? Second of all, I haven't asked my parents for anything since I was 17 and she offered to do that for me, I never would have asked, they would have repoed my car before I would have asked. Thirdly, as a parent, isn't it your responsibility to step in if you think I'm making the wrong decisions or at least say something?

If all she has is things and money to take away from me than she truly hasn't gained anything, but she's lost a great deal. Now I really have gone from having 2 parents to 0. I will not speak to her. I told her that she's obviously made her decision and that we should just be done with it. I am parentless, hell, familyless if you ask me. I dont want to have anything to do with anyone, not even family members that aren't involved in this situation. Cut off. Honestly I feel relieved not having to deal with family right now, I've voiced my opinion and I've been kicked out. So be it. And hey, I'm the gay one, totally disposable right?

I feel like I no longer have anything binding myself to this place...I want to live where other people vacation.

If days could build a stairway...

You know how when a lot of bad things are happening all at once and for an extended period of time but you eventually get to that point where you sigh with relief because things are finally starting to get better? Yeah-I'm just not feeling that. My life has been an absolute shit storm for a year and 5 months now and I got nothing, but who's counting. Without a doubt this will be the year that I look back on and I think, damn, my life was just a mess. And you know what-I am a mess. I am a huge mess right now and people are freaking out. A couple of weeks ago my mom told me that she would pay off my car for me but that phrase was followed by-you need to get yourself together. That's not the only time she said those words that week either by the way. And trust me people, I know better than anyone else that I need to get a grip. On the other hand I feel like this is my time to be a mess. I was the golden child for 22 yrs, they had it easy sailing with me, I deserve this damnit. I deserve to be not ok, this is my fuck up time, every teenager gets it, so I'm a little late, give me a break.

I just, I don't know, I don't feel like I can move forward. And to add onto everything else that I'm going through my mother started seeing him again, it hasn't even been more than 4 months since my dad passed away. I suddenly feel so lost...I feel like I went from having 2 parents to having 0...I'm so done with this year.

Happy Birthday

Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 42. (As I edit this I wonder if I'm going to have an entry that starts off like that every year...I'll try and mix it up a little) My dad passed away almost three months ago...it feels like three days ago. Every night when I lie down to go to sleep the moment that I close my eyes I am hit with what seems like thousands of bad memories and then I am just creamed by overwhelming emotion that leaks slowly from my eyes. Its like clockwork. After that its really hard for me to go back to sleep, I mean, who would want to go back to that? So I've become somewhat of an insomniac and I've definitely got some issues...

Anyway, I visited my dad's grave for a little while today which, honestly, is just weird for me. I really have no idea what to do with myself while I'm there so when I say a little while, I mean minutes. After that I went to my moms where we all drank michelob light and played rock band. By the way, just so you all know, I rule at every instrument in rock band-bring it. So that was fun and now I'm back in the city, the boys are gone so I have the entire apt to myself which rarely ever happens so I'm gonna go and do some crazy cleaning while listening to old Mariah Carey albums or I'll just smoke. Peace.

Just Bouncing (as in-peace out)

Over the past few months I've had extreme feelings leaning towards me just packing up and going somewhere totally random. Who knows how long I'd be gone, I'd just go but I'd be back-some day. I figure I've just been watching the travel channel way too much for my own good. I want Anthony Bourdains job. Lucky bastard. Whenever I watch that show I want to move to some strange Asian country where I'd be a chef and I'd live next to the jungle somewhere. I like Buddhism, I could totally live in Singapore. Shit, I'd even take the Bizzare Food guys job, I think I could eat most of that stuff if they flew me all over the world and paid me a lot of money.

A Chunk of My Timeline

I feel like people should know that I just disappear sometimes and people who know me well enough should know by now that I always find my way back. I've been lost and I'm just now getting to the point where I want to really see and talk to people. Lately it feels like I just can't get a break man.

The downward spiral started in November, actually it probably started way before that but lets just say it was November. I moved out of my house and lived with a couple of friends for a little over a month, that got crowded and so then I moved in with my good friend W and had a crazy, yet fun, December and January. February 1st I moved in with my girlfriend, finally out on our own and in our own apartment, woo! February 16th I was laid off from my job of 5 yrs because they lost one of our biggest accounts basically over a technical problem. So then for two months I desperately seek employment with no success, all the while my dad is getting sicker and sicker, and I can't pay for the new apartment I just moved into where I quickly start to feel like nothing there really belonged to me-because it didn't. April 25th my dad passes away, I still haven't found a job and bills at this point are just piling up. Two weeks after my dad passed away I moved out of my girlfriends apartment and back in with W. Soon after that the twin suggests that I come and work with her for a while cleaning houses, mainly so I could go on vacation with her and her boyfriend and some of his friends, she didn't want to be the only girl and so I agreed to do it, I needed the money and could also use a vacation. So I cleaned houses for pretty decent money all of May and June and then went on vacation June 30th through July 5th. I was sick the entire time with bronchitis and a sinus infection and didn't actually get better from that until a couple of days ago. I quit cleaning houses because I'm now looking into an electrician apprenticeship (insert confusion here) which I heard about while I was on "vacation" because my sister's boyfriend's friends are doing it. Honestly I'm just going with the flow at this point, I've accepted I have no control over a lot of whats going on in my life this year. 08-sucks and get this, my horoscope says that its not going to get any better until 2010. I mean, seriously? Anyway, at this point I want to do a job where I use my hands, if its one thing I did learn from cleaning houses its that I don't want to sit in front of a computer screen anymore. I mean I like fixing things and its really really good money and electricity sounds dangerously fun and interesting, ha ha. I just don't know guys, I just don't know.

So yeah, I think that pretty much updates me until the next disaster or two or three or four.

The Past Few Months...

...can be summed up by the past few days of my life. My father was admitted to Gilchrist hospice Thursday morning. Wednesday night he started throwing up what my mom thought was stomach bile and by Thursday morning it had gotten so bad that she called an ambulance to come and get him. I woke up to 5 voice mails around noon that day, I didn't listen to any of them, I just called my mom. She told me what had happened and that this time my dad wouldn't be coming home from the hospital, the only words that I could find were, 'ok, I'll be there soon'. I got there and my dad was still throwing up a lot of black looking liquid and the Dr. came in and asked my mom if they could put a tube down his nose to suck it out so he wouldn't have to go through the pain of throwing it up. The Dr. also let us know that it wasn't stomach bile that he was throwing up, it was old blood, my dad was bleeding internally and we had anywhere from a few hours with him to a couple of days. They gave my dad enough drugs to put him in a deep sleep that he would never come out of and the rest of the day was spent saying our goodbyes with family and close friends.

There are moments from that day that I remember very vividly but for the most part its a blur. One of those moments involves a crowded room and a single chair. I had just come in from outside and my mom told me that she needed to stretch her legs and she asked me if I wanted to sit in her chair, the chair that was right next to my dad's bed, I said, 'sure'. She leaned over to my dad, stroked his hair and told him that I was sitting next to him and that she'd be right back. As I sat there facing the opposite side of the room, which contained pretty much my entire family and some of my dad's friends from work, I could feel everyone's eyes close in on me and I knew that they were waiting for me to say the things to my dad that everyone else had already said in some way, shape or form. When my mom was sitting next to him she was holding his hand and as I sat there with everyone's eyes on me I saw my dad's hand flick and twitch closer and closer to the edge of the bed. I stared at him and then I stared at his hand and I knew that he wanted me to hold it and that they were all waiting for me to grab it. I couldn't do it. My mom came back in and relieved me from the situation and without looking at anyone I went back outside.

Surprisingly the rest of the day went by fairly fast, I had a lot of talks with my dad's friends and they told us all funny stories about my dad to lighten the extremely dim shadow of death that was cast over all of us. It started getting late and people slowly started to make their way home. Around 2am my sisters and grandmother had scattered off to find somewhere to sleep and it was just my mother and I in the room with my dad. I told my mom to get some sleep and that I would stay up and watch him. As I sat there staring at my father, anxious and scared, tired but wide awake, I somehow found the courage to walk over to him and grab his hand. I stood there and I cried the tears that I needed to cry and without saying an audible word I told him that I loved him, that I would take care of everyone, and that because of all the things that he taught me, I would be ok. My dad passed away 4 hours later.

The funeral was yesterday and we had viewings Sunday and Monday. I'm not ready to go there yet but I will say that my dad was loved by a lot of people. He was such a good person and I feel so extremely lucky that he was the person that I got to call Dad.

In loving memory of John Stephen Steber July 20, 1966-April 25, 2008

P.S.
My dad had a blog that I didn't know about until he had passed away, you're welcome to read the few things that he posted.

Colonial Vulcan

You were such a nerd dad-and I loved you immensely for it.

An Untold Story

I've been avoiding an important subject. I don't want to face it in my writing because I don't want to turn these thoughts and feelings into anything that has a shadow. Etching it in stone always seems to make it more real, more concrete; but instead it feels like I'm etching this into my skin and these words are written with blood thats been pumped straight through my heart and back again.

I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.

It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.

Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too

Watching The Sun Rise

I woke up wicked early the other day to watch the sunrise. I was also feeling a little artistic so I decided to take my camera with me. I've been living in the city for two months now and even though I love it here its always nice to escape from the constant and unavoidable motion. I've always thought of the city as a living entity all in itself and if you listen closely you can hear it breathing. As I was driving away from the city I noticed that everyone else was driving toward it. Everyone was starting their day by going to work and it made me feel good that I was starting mine simply by enjoying the sun rise. I was making my way to disappear into The Loch and it is there that I'm able to put my life on pause. Its refreshing to just stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings. Time is so relative to your perspective, the last 30 minutes of your shift feels like two hours because you perceive it that way and so I've learned to apply this observation to other periods of time in my life. You can live a lifetime in one moment. I truly believe this, you just have to slow down and take the time to absorb the things you'd normally ignore. Easier said than done, I know, its so easy to get sucked into the abyss of your life. Which is exactly why I make an effort to just stop and breathe every once in a while and why not enjoy something beautiful while I'm on pause. It was great and I really needed that time to just take it all in, everything, my entire life and how could I not feel great about everything that came to my mind in the midst of such a peaceful and beautiful place. I'm excited about whats ahead and I'm happy about where I am in my life right now. Everything is slowly falling into place and it just feels right to me. Its rare in my life but when things line up the right way its wonderful and I really try to just stop and bask in it. I'm basking. Cheers.

I Saw My Life Eclipse

Everything seems to be more balanced now that I don't have this burden to carry. I was in some sort of rut these past couple of months but everything finally seems to be moving forward. Everything is going in the direction that I want it to go and I finally feel at peace. I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a great year for me. I ended 2007 a little bit on the rough side but I feel like I've really paved the way to happiness for myself. It was a lot of work, a lot of reconstruction and things pretty much came crashing down on me but I'm slowly crawling from the depths of the rubble and thus starting the exhausting process of rebuilding. I finally have my own apartment, the girlfriend and I move in February 1st and that day can't get here fast enough. I've earned it though, we've earned it. This is one of those times where I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I'm excited about that, about all of it.

I've been having trouble writing lately and I've realized that when I don't write I'm not in a clear state of mind, my thoughts aren't organized and I'm just scattered all over the damn place. I have trouble communicating my feelings as it is so when I can't even figure out how to write what I'm feeling I am just lost. But I'm back now and I feel fine. I'm picking up my pace and we'll see where it takes me this time.