I feel like people should know that I just disappear sometimes and people who know me well enough should know by now that I always find my way back. I've been lost and I'm just now getting to the point where I want to really see and talk to people. Lately it feels like I just can't get a break man.
The downward spiral started in November, actually it probably started way before that but lets just say it was November. I moved out of my house and lived with a couple of friends for a little over a month, that got crowded and so then I moved in with my good friend W and had a crazy, yet fun, December and January. February 1st I moved in with my girlfriend, finally out on our own and in our own apartment, woo! February 16th I was laid off from my job of 5 yrs because they lost one of our biggest accounts basically over a technical problem. So then for two months I desperately seek employment with no success, all the while my dad is getting sicker and sicker, and I can't pay for the new apartment I just moved into where I quickly start to feel like nothing there really belonged to me-because it didn't. April 25th my dad passes away, I still haven't found a job and bills at this point are just piling up. Two weeks after my dad passed away I moved out of my girlfriends apartment and back in with W. Soon after that the twin suggests that I come and work with her for a while cleaning houses, mainly so I could go on vacation with her and her boyfriend and some of his friends, she didn't want to be the only girl and so I agreed to do it, I needed the money and could also use a vacation. So I cleaned houses for pretty decent money all of May and June and then went on vacation June 30th through July 5th. I was sick the entire time with bronchitis and a sinus infection and didn't actually get better from that until a couple of days ago. I quit cleaning houses because I'm now looking into an electrician apprenticeship (insert confusion here) which I heard about while I was on "vacation" because my sister's boyfriend's friends are doing it. Honestly I'm just going with the flow at this point, I've accepted I have no control over a lot of whats going on in my life this year. 08-sucks and get this, my horoscope says that its not going to get any better until 2010. I mean, seriously? Anyway, at this point I want to do a job where I use my hands, if its one thing I did learn from cleaning houses its that I don't want to sit in front of a computer screen anymore. I mean I like fixing things and its really really good money and electricity sounds dangerously fun and interesting, ha ha. I just don't know guys, I just don't know.
So yeah, I think that pretty much updates me until the next disaster or two or three or four.
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2 comments:
Amanda, life is what you make it. Of course, not everything is in your control, however, You have more control over it than what you think. You are such a great person, you are beautiful inside and out, and you are much better than this. You can look at it as, "My life is going to suck for the next year and a half, it's going to be one disaster after another," and it will because on top of everything you Believe it will, OR you can say, "It may be rough at times but i'm going to hold my head high and do what i have to do because i'm better than the crap that i'm going through and i am going to come out of this better than ever; I'm really going to put a lot of effort into making my life better." I love you and you will get through this, but a lot of it is going to depend on Your choices in life and Your attitude towards life in general. Sometimes you have to literally force yourself to think optimistically, and as long as one is not being unrealistic while he is being optimistic, it won't cause damage. None of this is anything you don't already know, however i feel it bears repeating. I love you baby ~V
Amanda,
I love you. I miss you and I'm glad you are finally at a point where you want to spend time with your friends again. I can express the amount of sympathy I have for you and your family. What happened on April 25th was not fair and I don't understand it. I'll never understand it. I want you to know that I am here, always. I will be there when you need a laugh, some optimism, a shoulder, a friend. You are truly the best friend that I've ever had and I miss the enormous amount of time that we used to spend together. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent but, as you know, I went through something very similar with my Grandmother this year. It has been over three months and I still cry every day. I can't understand why things like that happen to the best people and it still feels so unreal. I know that you feel like you have no control over your life, at this point. But, I know you and I know that you are the strongest person in this whole world and you have control over everything, even if you don't see it. You are determined, so smart and so strong and I know that you will realize that some day. I love you and I am here. <3 B.
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