Now that I have time to relax I am slowly slipping back into my normal routine of reading, watching movies and day dreaming. Over the years I've realized that I thoroughly enjoy many forms of escapism. I've always wondered if this was because of a true love and passion for almost all forms of art or if it is only a gateway for me to escape the harsh realities of the world in which we live. Perhaps it is a combination of the two or perhaps art is a form of escapism that can only be taken advantage of by the people who truly appreciate it and understand its purpose. Whether it be reading something someone has written or examining a painting someone has painted or watching a movie someone has filmed, I can fall so in love with these things to the point at which I am consumed by them. For however brief a moment I am somewhere else, lost in someone else's mind and heart.
A lot of the time this scares me, how lost I can be and how much I enjoy the escape. It's almost as if I have to force myself to stick with reality a lot of the time. I constantly have to pull myself out of my own day dreams or the day dreams, ideas, and thoughts of others. For most of my life I've always preferred walking through a painting, living the adventures of fictional characters in the books that I read and relating my life to people in the movies that I watch than actually living my own life. I suppose its a much more comfortable position to be in, that of the dreamer as opposed to that of the doer. I need to become a doer.
I hope to discover a way to balance the part of my personality that is the dreamer and the much smaller part of me that is the doer. I'm very capable of accomplishing things and I almost always succeed at anything that I try. However, its too easy for me to escape life and I'm constantly looking for a way out. It's almost as if I get bored with my life or bored with the way things are in general in this world. I always have to add excitement and beauty to it, when really, its not all that dull, theres just not witches, wizards, and dragons flying around.
Friday, December 29, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
Just Keep Those Sleigh Bells Jinglin...
Christmas definitely snuck up on me this year. I still can't believe its only 3 days away. I feel like I didn't have time to get excited about it, let alone prepared. The extremely odd warm weather isn't helping me either. I relate a lot of different smells to the feeling of christmas, one of them being the smell of wood burning stoves when you walk outside, which no one has been using this year because its been 60 degrees. And so, I feel extremely robbed of my christmas spirit. My usual demeanor of happiness and light heartedness around this time of year is completely absent. Is this what christmas is like for all adults? A holiday that just sort of happens in the middle of every day life and responsibility? It scares me to not possess that feeling, I've been trying to get in the mood, but its just not there. Instead, this year I seem to be more stressed by christmas than anything. And at this point, stress is a more familiar feeling to me than any other emotion. I also chose to work christmas day and new years day as I desperately need the money, you know, so I can buy school books for next semester. It shouldn't be too bad since I'm going to be in the house with family anyway, might as well be by the computer getting double time for it and it shouldn't be too hard to sit at the computer with a hang over. Anyways, happy holidays.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The Sociopath Next Door...
I'm reading an extremely interesting and almost horrifying book right now called The Sociopath Next Door. Did you know that 1 in every 25 americans is a sociopath? Now, at first, I was extremely surprised at this, however, as I read on and reevaluated people in the world today it made perfect sense to me that 1 in every 25 of us don't have a conscience. It would make sense that the person that almost ran you over with their car would feel no remorse or guilt at the fact they almost killed someone or bumped someone in a crowd or jumped in line or stole something from a store or robbed a bank. However, one of the most interesting points in this book is that those people are the only sociopaths we truly recognize, the ones that commit crimes and get caught. What about all the people that get away with it or the sociopaths that aren't violent or openly commit crimes? There are many reasons why we don't recognize such sociopaths and it is simply because those of us who do have a conscience constantly make excuses for those of us who don't or we choose to ingore them or we are so manipulated by them we can't even tell that something isn't quite right about Bob.
There are several types of sociopaths. There are the psychopath sociopaths, which are the people that commit serious crimes and/or kill other people, a lot of these people are in jail, or at least I hope so. However, there are also the sociopaths that often go unrecognized. These include (to name only a few because I haven't finished reading the book yet) the covetous sociopaths, which are the people that have an "inordinate desire" for the possessions of others and will therefore do anything to somehow sabotage people they are most often jealous of or in fact strip that person of what they have that the sociopath desires. This isn't necessarily a possession but can also be a personality trait or beauty or accomplishments etc. There is also the intellectual sociopath, which are most often your business men or lawyers etc. These are the power hungry sociopaths, the people that will do anything for their own personal gain, and I mean anything (because they don't have a conscience), in order to obtain a feeling of power over other people. Then, there is the average sociopath, the sociopaths that don't equal the intellectual sociopaths in intelligence, good looks, or charm but obtain their sense of power by more mediocre tasks. An example she gives in the book of the average sociopath was a man, who they reffered to as "Stamp Man", because he would break into local postal offices, steal all of their stamps, and then sit somewhere close by to watch as the early morning workers panicked and called the police. He was almost always caught for this, however, he didn't care, the pleasure he got out of this was enough for him to not care about the consequences or even think about them.
I am just completely side swiped by this information. It's extremely hard for me to imagine not having a conscience, to inflict pain on someone or be the cause of putting someone in danger or manipulating someone enough to cause them anguish or sabotaging someones life, just for the hell of it, for the pleasure, and not feeling any remorse or guilt because of it. Just amazing...1 of every 25 of us was born without a conscience, without a jiminy cricket, scary.
So, how many sociopaths do you know?
There are several types of sociopaths. There are the psychopath sociopaths, which are the people that commit serious crimes and/or kill other people, a lot of these people are in jail, or at least I hope so. However, there are also the sociopaths that often go unrecognized. These include (to name only a few because I haven't finished reading the book yet) the covetous sociopaths, which are the people that have an "inordinate desire" for the possessions of others and will therefore do anything to somehow sabotage people they are most often jealous of or in fact strip that person of what they have that the sociopath desires. This isn't necessarily a possession but can also be a personality trait or beauty or accomplishments etc. There is also the intellectual sociopath, which are most often your business men or lawyers etc. These are the power hungry sociopaths, the people that will do anything for their own personal gain, and I mean anything (because they don't have a conscience), in order to obtain a feeling of power over other people. Then, there is the average sociopath, the sociopaths that don't equal the intellectual sociopaths in intelligence, good looks, or charm but obtain their sense of power by more mediocre tasks. An example she gives in the book of the average sociopath was a man, who they reffered to as "Stamp Man", because he would break into local postal offices, steal all of their stamps, and then sit somewhere close by to watch as the early morning workers panicked and called the police. He was almost always caught for this, however, he didn't care, the pleasure he got out of this was enough for him to not care about the consequences or even think about them.
I am just completely side swiped by this information. It's extremely hard for me to imagine not having a conscience, to inflict pain on someone or be the cause of putting someone in danger or manipulating someone enough to cause them anguish or sabotaging someones life, just for the hell of it, for the pleasure, and not feeling any remorse or guilt because of it. Just amazing...1 of every 25 of us was born without a conscience, without a jiminy cricket, scary.
So, how many sociopaths do you know?
Monday, December 18, 2006
Why?
So, its 1am and I am sitting here drinking a bottle of apple Boone's Farm, that isn't mine I might add, while staring at the blank and unstimulating computer screen trying to find some source of motivation in order to write something. It use to be so easy for me to write when I was younger, anything and everything inspired me...I just feel more and more jaded by the world the older that I get, "simple" things don't have the affect on me that they once did and so now I must be hit by a motivational cinder block to have any kind of inspiration to write. Perhaps I set this standard for myself somewhere along the way to write something meaningful, touching, surprising, interesting, etc instead of just writing because it makes me happy. Or perhaps this standard was forced upon me, this way of thinking, and I just allowed it. I feel so forced by society to set standards for myself, to have these huge expectations of myself even when it comes to my writing, something that use to be so simple and easy for me, something that use to belong to me completely. Most of the time I wish that I never submitted to this, I wish I had never let myself fall subject to the high expectations that society as well as my family has set for me. I submit to these things by constantly succeeding at whatever is placed before me by them or by feeling immense guilt for any failed attempt. Why?
I don't regret many things because I truly believe that any decision that I make, good or bad, has an overall possitive affect on any decision I might make after that. This is because I choose to turn every experience into something that I've learned instead of repeating the same mistakes. However, I do regret the strong grip that I have allowed things in this world to place upon me. Instead of fighting this control I accept it as life and base decisions around those barriers.
I constantly wonder what life would be like if society hadn't drawn such a solid line between what is acceptable and what is not, what is supposed to be achieved in life and what isn't considered fulfilling. Happiness is so important to me, as well as balance, and I repeatedly feel thrown from those two things. How can I ever achieve them if I can never be completely content with my life, and in this world, contentness and comfortability are so often the equivalent of either riches or fame, and most of the time they go hand in hand. I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous, I think both of those things are such a waste of life, yet, they are extremely desired by our entire society. Why?
I don't know, at this point I am just rambling. However, it has been a constant struggle of mine, the hardship of choosing what will make me the happiest and what is "right". I need to break free of this grip and just say fuck it, so what if I don't become a doctor, so what if I choose the life of a hermit and live in a tree somewhere. Its so obvious to me that living a life without happiness isn't a life at all, I just need to take that leap, put my happiness first and then everything else second. I will take responsibility for my own happiness and whether that is considered right or wrong from here on out, I could care less.
"It may be that we are puppets-puppets controlled by the strings of society. But at least we are puppets with perception, with awareness. And perhaps our awareness is the first step to our liberation." -Stanley Milgram
I don't regret many things because I truly believe that any decision that I make, good or bad, has an overall possitive affect on any decision I might make after that. This is because I choose to turn every experience into something that I've learned instead of repeating the same mistakes. However, I do regret the strong grip that I have allowed things in this world to place upon me. Instead of fighting this control I accept it as life and base decisions around those barriers.
I constantly wonder what life would be like if society hadn't drawn such a solid line between what is acceptable and what is not, what is supposed to be achieved in life and what isn't considered fulfilling. Happiness is so important to me, as well as balance, and I repeatedly feel thrown from those two things. How can I ever achieve them if I can never be completely content with my life, and in this world, contentness and comfortability are so often the equivalent of either riches or fame, and most of the time they go hand in hand. I don't want to be rich and I don't want to be famous, I think both of those things are such a waste of life, yet, they are extremely desired by our entire society. Why?
I don't know, at this point I am just rambling. However, it has been a constant struggle of mine, the hardship of choosing what will make me the happiest and what is "right". I need to break free of this grip and just say fuck it, so what if I don't become a doctor, so what if I choose the life of a hermit and live in a tree somewhere. Its so obvious to me that living a life without happiness isn't a life at all, I just need to take that leap, put my happiness first and then everything else second. I will take responsibility for my own happiness and whether that is considered right or wrong from here on out, I could care less.
"It may be that we are puppets-puppets controlled by the strings of society. But at least we are puppets with perception, with awareness. And perhaps our awareness is the first step to our liberation." -Stanley Milgram
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Life As My Cat
I often find myself wishing that I was my own pet...Such a comfortable and loving position to be in...
Amanda comes home, I run towards her, while making that purring sound that she likes, and she gently places her 50lb book bag on the bench as to avoid scaring me away. She then sits in the middle of the kitchen floor, just like one of us, to make it easier for me to climb into her lap and drool lovingly all over her jeans. I have nothing in the world to worry about, I depend on her to feed me, clean my litter box, spend hours upon hours petting me, the kind of devotion, love, and attention that I know she wouldn't waste on any human, and then let me fall asleep on her chest, which I know can't be very comfortable for her, but she allows it anyway. Every now and again I will scratch at the wooden railing and sit inside the kitchen sink, both of which she scolds me for, but that kind of reprimanding is always followed by oodles of compliments about how beautiful and good I am. I always reciprocate these acts of love by nudging her in the head with mine when shes sleeping, keeping her clothes warm while shes in the shower right after she is done ironing them, and not to mention placing myself directly on top of anything that she might be reading or paying the slightest bit of attention to. If only all cats were victims of such unconditional love, I know that I'm lucky, hey look, a house fly.
Amanda comes home, I run towards her, while making that purring sound that she likes, and she gently places her 50lb book bag on the bench as to avoid scaring me away. She then sits in the middle of the kitchen floor, just like one of us, to make it easier for me to climb into her lap and drool lovingly all over her jeans. I have nothing in the world to worry about, I depend on her to feed me, clean my litter box, spend hours upon hours petting me, the kind of devotion, love, and attention that I know she wouldn't waste on any human, and then let me fall asleep on her chest, which I know can't be very comfortable for her, but she allows it anyway. Every now and again I will scratch at the wooden railing and sit inside the kitchen sink, both of which she scolds me for, but that kind of reprimanding is always followed by oodles of compliments about how beautiful and good I am. I always reciprocate these acts of love by nudging her in the head with mine when shes sleeping, keeping her clothes warm while shes in the shower right after she is done ironing them, and not to mention placing myself directly on top of anything that she might be reading or paying the slightest bit of attention to. If only all cats were victims of such unconditional love, I know that I'm lucky, hey look, a house fly.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
From Katie...
ForEverDance17 (11:51:33 AM) : I just want you to know how amazing I think you are. This semester was such a struggle for all of us, but when I look at you and the amount of stuff you take on, it blows me away. You are such a smart, beautiful person inside and out and I think your busyness and hard work was overlooked a lot this semester. We were all upset that we never got to see you anymore, but no one took into consideration that the only thing you were trying to do was keep your head above water and succeed and I just want you to know, no matter how corny it sounds, that I am so unbelievably proud of you. When it comes down to being mad and frustrated with life, I think about all you do and it makes me feel not so bad. SO, I just want you to know I love you to death and am so glad you made it!
As I sit here in tears I realize just how much I needed something like this to come from someone I care so much about. It is moments like these when you realize who your true friends are, the people that are there for you for better or worse, through the good times and the bad. I love you, so very much, and saying that I love you doesn't even seem like enough, so, I'll say this also: For the rest of my life I will try and make you as happy as you have made me with that short paragraph that I see before my eyes.
As I sit here in tears I realize just how much I needed something like this to come from someone I care so much about. It is moments like these when you realize who your true friends are, the people that are there for you for better or worse, through the good times and the bad. I love you, so very much, and saying that I love you doesn't even seem like enough, so, I'll say this also: For the rest of my life I will try and make you as happy as you have made me with that short paragraph that I see before my eyes.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Last Night
So after my Anatomy/Physiology final last night my professor took us all out for a drink, it was the least he could do after putting us through the absolute hell that he did. At the beginning of the semester he said that the first round of drinks were on him. By the end of the semester that turned into drinks all night because there was only about 13 of us left out of 40 something, good for us...Anyways, we enjoyed running that tab up as high as we possibly (physically) could and then we decided that karaoke was an excellent idea. Let me just say, karaoke is extremely tricky when alcohol is involved. Simply because it is much easier as well as much harder to do karaoke when you're drunk. I'll explain, it's much easier to actually get the balls to go up there and sing in front of people but much harder to actually read the words on the screen. And I'll tell ya, I never knew I was such a good (entertaining) rapper. I'm sure I would have made Kanye proud with my version of Gold Digger. I almost died with laughter though when I realized they changed the line, "but she ain't messin' with no broke nigga" to "but she ain't messin' with no brokey broke" I said, what the hell is a brokey broke, or something that sounded like that I guess and then continued to sing (butcher) the song.
All in all, I'd say last night was the perfect closing scene to this semester.
P.S. I dedicate this entry to all my brokey brokes out there, cheers!
All in all, I'd say last night was the perfect closing scene to this semester.
P.S. I dedicate this entry to all my brokey brokes out there, cheers!
Friday, December 08, 2006
The End Is Near...
I only have two days of school left in this semester (aka semester from hell) and an immense release of stress is hitting me in the form of a coma. All I want to do is sleep, to make up for all of the sleep I've missed over the past 3 months. Though, besides the release of stress, I was expecting to feel some other sort of relief in the form of feelings of accomplishment and triumph. Like there was going to be some sort of prize for learning all the bones, muscles, veins, arteries etc in the human as well as in animals (Note to self: replace human anatomy with something more useful)
I am one step closer to achieving my degree in Veterinary medicine and instead of feeling like Ive gained something I feel as though I've lost something extremely valuable to me. I feel so detached from myself lately and now that I have time to look back and reflect upon the past three months all I see is a vast bluriness that was my existence. Ive never needed a break from school so badly, medical school is not easy and working full time along with it should be against the law.
I can't wait to sit down and read a book that I actually want to read, I can't wait for all of the useless information crammed inside my brain to slowly leak out, and most importantly, I can't wait to close my eyes at night and see nothing but the back of my eyelids, as opposed to flashes of the male genitalia model I had to learn inside and out, literally.
It's almost like I've broken out of a shell of myself to discover that Im in the present actually being able to live my life. I'm slowly starting to shed the thick skin that got me through this semester. Anyway, I intend to focus on gaining my sanity back over my winter break so I can lose it again come spring, and oh yeah, its almost christmas.
I am one step closer to achieving my degree in Veterinary medicine and instead of feeling like Ive gained something I feel as though I've lost something extremely valuable to me. I feel so detached from myself lately and now that I have time to look back and reflect upon the past three months all I see is a vast bluriness that was my existence. Ive never needed a break from school so badly, medical school is not easy and working full time along with it should be against the law.
I can't wait to sit down and read a book that I actually want to read, I can't wait for all of the useless information crammed inside my brain to slowly leak out, and most importantly, I can't wait to close my eyes at night and see nothing but the back of my eyelids, as opposed to flashes of the male genitalia model I had to learn inside and out, literally.
It's almost like I've broken out of a shell of myself to discover that Im in the present actually being able to live my life. I'm slowly starting to shed the thick skin that got me through this semester. Anyway, I intend to focus on gaining my sanity back over my winter break so I can lose it again come spring, and oh yeah, its almost christmas.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
So Far Down
I feel like I'm missing from my own life. A voided space that I use to fill is becoming an epidemic throughout my universe. My absence is spreading like a disease. I'm a ghost among the living, a shadow among the solid figures. For once, I'm not struggling with my identity, but with my existence. My goals have swallowed me whole.
Simultaneously, my personality feels comfortable with a certain amount of anonymity. It welcomes the absence, most of the time I'm totally fine with it, scary. I've never understood this about myself...how content I can be in my loneliness, how it suits me. I wallow in this, I indulge, its my creative fuel, I draw, I write, I play my guitar and I'm extremely empathetic. I love these things about myself, I just wish happiness could trigger these things instead of despair.
I'm 20 years old and I haven't figured out how to make myself happy...but I look at my little sister and I am happy for her, I see a flower bloom and I am happy for nature, I see a puppy born and I am happy for life, I look at myself and I see nothing...How do you make something out of nothing? I just wish I could plant myself somewhere and watch myself grow. Instead, I always find myself in a house of mirrors, not being able to recognize any of the 50 different reflections that gaze so quizzically back at me. I can see myself through other peoples eyes and I am proud of the person I am to them, I just wish I could remove that factor and be happy with myself.
Simultaneously, my personality feels comfortable with a certain amount of anonymity. It welcomes the absence, most of the time I'm totally fine with it, scary. I've never understood this about myself...how content I can be in my loneliness, how it suits me. I wallow in this, I indulge, its my creative fuel, I draw, I write, I play my guitar and I'm extremely empathetic. I love these things about myself, I just wish happiness could trigger these things instead of despair.
I'm 20 years old and I haven't figured out how to make myself happy...but I look at my little sister and I am happy for her, I see a flower bloom and I am happy for nature, I see a puppy born and I am happy for life, I look at myself and I see nothing...How do you make something out of nothing? I just wish I could plant myself somewhere and watch myself grow. Instead, I always find myself in a house of mirrors, not being able to recognize any of the 50 different reflections that gaze so quizzically back at me. I can see myself through other peoples eyes and I am proud of the person I am to them, I just wish I could remove that factor and be happy with myself.
Tuesday, November 14, 2006
Give Me Strength
I need to get through this, only a few more weeks...I just have one request of you, whoever or whatever you are, give me the strength...
Give me the strength to come out of this feeling relieved and happy with myself, because I did it. More importantly, give me the light...so that I may guide my loved ones through this dark space that I find myself. They followed me in here and I am haunted by their shadows.
And finally, give me the strength and the light and the hope for her, she needs me.
I know there is an end to this tunnel, I just hope and pray that they make it out of here with me. I won't leave any of them behind. I'll sacrfice myself for any of them before I let that happen.
Give me the strength to come out of this feeling relieved and happy with myself, because I did it. More importantly, give me the light...so that I may guide my loved ones through this dark space that I find myself. They followed me in here and I am haunted by their shadows.
And finally, give me the strength and the light and the hope for her, she needs me.
I know there is an end to this tunnel, I just hope and pray that they make it out of here with me. I won't leave any of them behind. I'll sacrfice myself for any of them before I let that happen.
Thursday, October 26, 2006
My Canyon
I took a big leap yesterday. In my mind I make small steps seem like canyons. I have to go through a growing process to take that step, I have to grow wings to fly over that canyon. For this particular step someone gave me the wings I needed to fly and through trust for this person, not bravery, I took them.
Its so extremely scary for me, to be emotional in front of people, when really, all I needed to do was have a break down, a public one. My family didn't really know, until yesterday, that I'm tired and I'm stressed and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. Yesterday, I accepted their support, I let them catch me, I let them see me cry and I don't know why that is so terrifying for me. Of course all they are going to do is be there for me and help me and be a shoulder for me to cry on.
I have this immense fear of weakness, a fear of letting people take care of me, I'll always have myself, thats easy. But truly being able to let someone take care of you, and depending on them for that requires a certain amount of trust and comfortability that I have such a hard time accepting from people. I know in my heart that its there and it always will be, but actually letting people do that for me would be admitting that I can't do this on my own, admitting that I need people, admitting that I'm not the rock I lead people to believe I am.
I need to take these steps backward before I go any further in figuring out who I am. I need to pick up where I left off, as a little girl, when they teach you that its ok to cry...It's ok to be human, its ok to have moments of weakness, its ok to need people, its ok to cry...its ok to cry...its ok to cry...
Its so extremely scary for me, to be emotional in front of people, when really, all I needed to do was have a break down, a public one. My family didn't really know, until yesterday, that I'm tired and I'm stressed and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. Yesterday, I accepted their support, I let them catch me, I let them see me cry and I don't know why that is so terrifying for me. Of course all they are going to do is be there for me and help me and be a shoulder for me to cry on.
I have this immense fear of weakness, a fear of letting people take care of me, I'll always have myself, thats easy. But truly being able to let someone take care of you, and depending on them for that requires a certain amount of trust and comfortability that I have such a hard time accepting from people. I know in my heart that its there and it always will be, but actually letting people do that for me would be admitting that I can't do this on my own, admitting that I need people, admitting that I'm not the rock I lead people to believe I am.
I need to take these steps backward before I go any further in figuring out who I am. I need to pick up where I left off, as a little girl, when they teach you that its ok to cry...It's ok to be human, its ok to have moments of weakness, its ok to need people, its ok to cry...its ok to cry...its ok to cry...
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Digging My Hole
I feel as though I'm falling into a deep dark pit of...routine. Lately I just want to sleep, to hide from my life, as well as from what my heart is telling me lately...I need something exciting to happen right now, something that makes my heart race, besides school. I think I need to remove some of the constants in my life and replace them with variables. However, this scares me, it always has...Not knowing the outcome of taking a chance, not even being able to predict slightly what may or may not happen. Courage escapes me a lot of the time, when it comes to myself, but I can be so brave and strong for other people when they need me to be. I just don't understand that. I get in my way. Every time I find the slightest bit of courage I replace it with a well guarded wall. However, I'm starting to learn, walls don't keep people out, they just box you in...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Leaves Are Falling
I'm so in love with this time of year...it makes me happy and thats a big deal for me...happiness. The smells, the colors, the cool breeze...its so easy to fall in love with something so beautiful...so simple. And its truly uplifting, it gets inside of me and I start to change simultaneously with the changing of the leaves.
If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.
I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.
If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.
I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Insomnia Of The Soul
I haven't been able to sleep lately...I can't find peace of mind for some reason. I'm exaughsted as it is and not sleeping at night is driving me insane.
What bothers me the most is that I can't figure out why, at least I don't know all of the reasons. I'm sure a part of it is the fact that I'm very stressed out. However, I can't help but feel like there is something else there...I've felt very haunted lately, almost like I didn't deal with something that I was suppose to. I lay down to go to sleep and I can just feel my heart racing and I instantly feel restless. I can't calm myself down enough for my body to relax.
I feel like I don't have complete control over my emotions and I hate that. I want to sleep, I love to sleep, but my mind and my feelings are getting in the way and they are winning.
I fear that I'm not going to be able to rest until I gain some sort of insight into what exactly it is that is bothering me. I need clarity in my life, I can't handle it when things become cloudy, its extremely scary for me. Especially when it has to do with my own feelings. I can't go back to that dark place, a place where I am constantly confused about myself. I'm going to figure this out and deal with it.
What bothers me the most is that I can't figure out why, at least I don't know all of the reasons. I'm sure a part of it is the fact that I'm very stressed out. However, I can't help but feel like there is something else there...I've felt very haunted lately, almost like I didn't deal with something that I was suppose to. I lay down to go to sleep and I can just feel my heart racing and I instantly feel restless. I can't calm myself down enough for my body to relax.
I feel like I don't have complete control over my emotions and I hate that. I want to sleep, I love to sleep, but my mind and my feelings are getting in the way and they are winning.
I fear that I'm not going to be able to rest until I gain some sort of insight into what exactly it is that is bothering me. I need clarity in my life, I can't handle it when things become cloudy, its extremely scary for me. Especially when it has to do with my own feelings. I can't go back to that dark place, a place where I am constantly confused about myself. I'm going to figure this out and deal with it.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Life Is Beautiful
I truly feel overwhelmed by all the beauty in this world, and more importantly, by the wonderful people that can be found in it and, in a way, confirm that beauty.
I've recently gotten close to someone that just makes me feel so...leveled. It was a closeness and a connection that happened in what seemed to be a matter of seconds and it was just so easy...I think its amazing and special when you come across these people in your life because, for one, it doesn't happen very often, and for two, it was obviously meant to happen. I feel like I've known this person for years and I also feel like a part of me was almost missing up until now. Like I finally found a piece in my puzzle that just fits so perfectly.
It feels good to be able to just let things be the way that they are and accept them for what they are, especially when you've found something so extraordinary. It's a bit harder to fully accept something for what it is when whatever it is isn't so pleasant.
"If you can't change it, you accept it"
Its very extreme to find yourself balanced by another person, like they compliment who you are. I feel like I'm a few steps closer to figuring out who I am because of it and theres no taking something like that for granted. It might be a long and hard two years, but I don't know, I don't feel so alone in it anymore.
I've recently gotten close to someone that just makes me feel so...leveled. It was a closeness and a connection that happened in what seemed to be a matter of seconds and it was just so easy...I think its amazing and special when you come across these people in your life because, for one, it doesn't happen very often, and for two, it was obviously meant to happen. I feel like I've known this person for years and I also feel like a part of me was almost missing up until now. Like I finally found a piece in my puzzle that just fits so perfectly.
It feels good to be able to just let things be the way that they are and accept them for what they are, especially when you've found something so extraordinary. It's a bit harder to fully accept something for what it is when whatever it is isn't so pleasant.
"If you can't change it, you accept it"
Its very extreme to find yourself balanced by another person, like they compliment who you are. I feel like I'm a few steps closer to figuring out who I am because of it and theres no taking something like that for granted. It might be a long and hard two years, but I don't know, I don't feel so alone in it anymore.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
No Time
I haven't had much time for my own thoughts lately, hence the lack of journal entries. If I'm not at school, I'm at work and if I'm not at work, I'm at school.
This is my life right now, and I accept that.
It's going to be a lot of hard work and sacrifice to reach my goal, but I'll get there and it will be so...worth it. Though, as I start to lose weight from lack of time to eat and start to gain the dark circles under my eys from lack of sleep, I start to wonder just how much self sacrifice is actually considered healthy, if healthy even at all. I'm waiting for my body to adapt to these changes, more of a hopeful waiting actually. I hope I can survive this with dignity and honor.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it shines on my face brighter and brighter with each passing day, it gives me the warmth that I need to survive, to get through this.
Everything is going as planned and it just keeps getting better. But...I can't help but feel like there is something still missing from my life, I think its me...
This is my life right now, and I accept that.
It's going to be a lot of hard work and sacrifice to reach my goal, but I'll get there and it will be so...worth it. Though, as I start to lose weight from lack of time to eat and start to gain the dark circles under my eys from lack of sleep, I start to wonder just how much self sacrifice is actually considered healthy, if healthy even at all. I'm waiting for my body to adapt to these changes, more of a hopeful waiting actually. I hope I can survive this with dignity and honor.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it shines on my face brighter and brighter with each passing day, it gives me the warmth that I need to survive, to get through this.
Everything is going as planned and it just keeps getting better. But...I can't help but feel like there is something still missing from my life, I think its me...
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sprinting Forward
I haven't been writing much lately...I've been too busy trying to suck every last drop out of the rest of my awesome summer...just chew on it until all the flavors gone...
I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.
I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.
I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.
I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Revisiting The Past
I just read my entire old blog...It kind of scared me...It's so dark in there...It seemed like I was on the virge of having some huge break down all the time...Maybe I was, I look at that and think, wow, was I really that unhappy? Did I even know I was that unhappy? A lot of those entries I don't even remember writing or where on earth they came from inside me. All in all, when I look at that, I see myself hiding...That's not me...
At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.
A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.
I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.
At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.
A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.
I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Woman Seeking...
Why is it so hard to find someone that is intelligent, has goals, doesn't smoke or drink excessively, knows how to use the english language properly, has passion for something, etc...
I mean, am I being too picky?
Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.
Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.
Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.
I mean, am I being too picky?
Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.
Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.
Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Quid Pro Quo
I was watching Silence of the Lambs the other day and I noticed something I've always felt while watching the movie but could never really define. I realized that the playful banter between Hannibal Lecter and Clarice is extremely annoying to me. Why must people play these games? Why can't everyone just be blunt and straight forward about things? If you have something you want to say to me, say it. If you are too afraid to say something to me plainly for what it means, than don't say anything. I hate it when people make comments or ask questions around a subject, its cowardly. Too many people go throughout their lives beating around the bush. If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well swing away. If not, stay in the dugout where you belong.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Sentimental Sorrows
As I was staring up at the sky, watching the beautiful explosions, I began to truly appreciate my life and how good it has been to me so far...I am truly grateful for so many things and so many people... For once, in a long time I've realized, I'm simply and truly happy.
I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.
I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...
I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.
I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...
Monday, June 26, 2006
Reality Check
Now that I've been partying for two days straight its time to come back to reality.
I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...
But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda
I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...
So, I know my name, at least
I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...
Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.
I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.
I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...
But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda
I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...
So, I know my name, at least
I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...
Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.
I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
June
When I look back and reflect on this month I see weekend after weekend of just partying. I have literally gone to a party every weekend of this month, sometimes two-three days in a row. I'm just waiting for this to get old, so far, it hasn't. To continue this streak I'm going to Ocean City tomorrow night with some friends for the weekend. Two days of sex, drugs, and you would think rock n' roll, but this generation has replaced that with hip-hop...unfortunately
It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"
I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.
I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.
I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.
Am I rebellious?
Yes.
I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.
It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"
I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.
I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.
I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.
Am I rebellious?
Yes.
I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Moving On
I've finally done it, that last step I needed to take...At first I felt almost guilty in a way, like I was commiting an act of betrayal. At the same time it was an extremely freeing experience, full of excitement...getting that nervous feeling in your stomach, your heart beating rapidly...It was such a mixture of emotions, I don't really know how to feel, all I know is that I'm different now. I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm always going to have those feelings somewhere in me and they'll resurface from time to time. Everyone accumulates a certain amount of baggage. Though, right now, I feel like mine is fairly light. I am aware, however, that this feeling could be an illusion.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunshine
I haven't felt this light hearted in a very long time. Right now, there is nothing to stress me, not one thing. I have such a care-free summer ahead of me.
I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.
It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.
I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.
I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.
It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.
I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.
Monday, May 29, 2006
The Start Of Something....
There's nothing but success for me from here on out. I'm heading down that path, the one that was meant for me. I'm here to make a difference...
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Tomorrow Has Come And Gone
*Deep Breaths* I'm scared...Scared of not making it...The butterflies in my stomach have turned into unbearable pains. My mind and my heart are racing each other and I'm not sure which one is winning. I can't falter right now, I can't let go. I need to keep it together for just one more day, give me that.
The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...
I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...
What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.
The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...
I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...
What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Eldest Sibling Complex
I've carried this burden for as long as I can remember, this responsibility...I'm not exactly sure as to how I assumed this role, it just sort of happens...With each success, with each endearing or proud moment...things are etched in stone...who they see you as and who you are becoming...It's harder to screw up when all you've done is good, but, at the same time, much easier to disappoint them. Expectations accumulate and the burden you carry gets heavier. I take care of myself and I do what I can to help my parents take care of my siblings. I'm rock solid, because I have to be. I'm the shoulder to cry on. Can't make mistakes. Can't have fun. There's no going back now is there.
For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?
I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...
For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?
I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...
Saturday, May 13, 2006
All Alone...and...So What?
Well, here I am...alone. I'm so confused, why do people strive so much to be with someone. It's everyone's goal if they don't have a boyfried or girlfried, why? If your single you're suddenly an alien. I believe in meeting people in an interesting and spontaneous manner, I'm sorry, but I'm not the type to go searching and looking for someone. Frankly, I'm not that desparate or even interested at this point in time.
Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.
Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.
Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.
Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.
Friday, May 12, 2006
Dear Mr. President by Pink
Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly
What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why
Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell
What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly
What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why
Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell
What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine
How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you
Monday, May 08, 2006
Forever Young
You know, I think the statement, "You're only as old as you feel" is extremely true.
Well, I feel old.
I feel like I lack the ability to be young and stupid. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I would just like to not have a conscience, not have worries or responsibility. Please, take me back to a time when a day seemed like it would never end and the summers lasted forever. I want my naieveness back, my virginity, my happiness, everything, give it back.
Life only gets harder, its like runing up steps. You start out at the bottom, full of energy, not many steps behind you to jade you...Each step you take, leaves another step behind and it gets harder and harder to take a step the longer you've been running up them. These steps get more and more exaughsting. Some people aren't going up steps though, some people have more of like a slide. They run up the slide as fast as they can, get exaughsted much quicker and then slide back down to the bottom. For me, it feels like both, more like shoots and ladders with me actually. I'm on a ladder, but there's always that tempting shoot right next to me.
Well, I feel old.
I feel like I lack the ability to be young and stupid. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I would just like to not have a conscience, not have worries or responsibility. Please, take me back to a time when a day seemed like it would never end and the summers lasted forever. I want my naieveness back, my virginity, my happiness, everything, give it back.
Life only gets harder, its like runing up steps. You start out at the bottom, full of energy, not many steps behind you to jade you...Each step you take, leaves another step behind and it gets harder and harder to take a step the longer you've been running up them. These steps get more and more exaughsting. Some people aren't going up steps though, some people have more of like a slide. They run up the slide as fast as they can, get exaughsted much quicker and then slide back down to the bottom. For me, it feels like both, more like shoots and ladders with me actually. I'm on a ladder, but there's always that tempting shoot right next to me.
Friday, May 05, 2006
Down Or Up Hill From Here
I submitted my application yesterday...it feels more like I was submitting my future and now all I can do is wait...its out of my hands for a while
Thursday, May 04, 2006
Obsession
I am really starting to enjoy being able to really focus on myself, physically and emotionally. It's such an odd sensation, having only myself to worry about and I can already feel myself starting to change, starting to grow. There are so many things that I want to do to better myself and I feel as though I'm heading in the right direction.
I'm a very artistic person and I really lost sight of that the past few years. Well, I've picked up my guitar, my writing, my creativity and it really defines me as a person, I'm ashamed that I let that part of myself go for so long.
At least now I know...not to let myself be shadowed by whatever relationship I am in, it's just not worth it in the end.
I'm a very artistic person and I really lost sight of that the past few years. Well, I've picked up my guitar, my writing, my creativity and it really defines me as a person, I'm ashamed that I let that part of myself go for so long.
At least now I know...not to let myself be shadowed by whatever relationship I am in, it's just not worth it in the end.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
Lost
I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's boredom or depression or if school and two jobs has finally caught up to me. All I know is I'm looking forward to the end of this semester and dreading it at the same time. With the completion of this semester of my life begins what I hope to be a huge step forward.
I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.
It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.
I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?
I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.
I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.
It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.
I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?
I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Irony Shmirony
Just when everything starts getting better for me...wham, some idiot rear ends me. My brand new car, I haven't even had it for a month yet. This is why I constantly go back to my pesimistic way of thinking. For some reason, I feel like I should have known that this was coming.
The Important Things In Life
My new car. It's amazing how much you appreciate things when the circumstances before were worse than they are now. My old car was horrible, however, because I dealt with such a horrible car and for so long I appreciate and enjoy my new car much more. It makes me wonder about people who just have everything they want and when they want it. I think that life without struggle is not much of a life at all. I believe that struggle builds character and that when the struggle is over you've grown and you can appreciate that growth and enjoy it for what it is and how it has changed you. A lot of people are consumed by money or even just the idea of it and it's a shame. I never want to be rich, I never want to have it all. If you have it all, what is left in life to fight for? 
Friday, April 07, 2006
The Changing of the Tides
I promised myself that I would never have one of those journals where I talked about what I did each day, however, I must talk about this!
I'm very excited because tonight I get to buy a whole bunch of stuff for my room, thanks to the exceptionally high increase on my credit card :) And thanks to the wonderful place that is Ikea, I'm going to buy a bed, a desk to work at and a dressor. I haven't had my own bed to sleep in for 6 freaking years ok and I always shared one before that so, you'd be excited too!
It's amazing how new things can make me feel so good and so...fresh really. It's kind of like starting over, like these new things represent the new me and its really the beginning of something. The beginning of something very new and it feels good. I'm actually going to be sharing a room with someone I truly get along with, someone I sincerely like. I mean, that's a huge change right there! I only see great things ahead of me and I only expect happiness. It's going to be a great summer.
I'm very excited because tonight I get to buy a whole bunch of stuff for my room, thanks to the exceptionally high increase on my credit card :) And thanks to the wonderful place that is Ikea, I'm going to buy a bed, a desk to work at and a dressor. I haven't had my own bed to sleep in for 6 freaking years ok and I always shared one before that so, you'd be excited too!
It's amazing how new things can make me feel so good and so...fresh really. It's kind of like starting over, like these new things represent the new me and its really the beginning of something. The beginning of something very new and it feels good. I'm actually going to be sharing a room with someone I truly get along with, someone I sincerely like. I mean, that's a huge change right there! I only see great things ahead of me and I only expect happiness. It's going to be a great summer.
Monday, April 03, 2006
The Age of In-Between
I feel like I'm stuck in this sort of age limbo right now. I've been an "adult" for two years now, however, there are still many things that I am prohibited from doing. I can vote but I can't drink, I can fight in a war but I can't rent a car. The differences in these things confuse me, you would think that they'd be reversed. I'm old enough to kill people and decide my countries fate but can't go and rent a car if I wanted to. It makes me realize that this entire country has so many things ass backwards and unfortunately those are very insignificant examples.
I've just recently seen a really great movie, a movie that really encompasses a lot of whats going on now and a lot of what I think may be in our future. Go see V for Vendetta. It's the scary truth.
I've just recently seen a really great movie, a movie that really encompasses a lot of whats going on now and a lot of what I think may be in our future. Go see V for Vendetta. It's the scary truth.
Friday, March 31, 2006
Life Is Too Short
I was thinking the other day that there is a lot I haven't done and I'm 20 yrs old, which, I think, is an appropriate age to be allowed to say "Well, I'm not getting any younger" I'm so ready to try new things, experience new adventures, basically make a life out of it, make a life out of me. There are so many possibilities, so many roads, so many ideas...and that use to scare the shit out of me but lately it just excites me. I feel great, I feel so open to everything. For now I think I'm going to go with the philosophy "Act now, think later" Which is an extremely male oriented philosophy, but I say fuck it, fuck it all. I'm whipping out my dick (or so to speak) and I'm ready to size it up. I have a lot of reflection to do, a lot of competitions to face, I need to know where I stand in this world. It seems like a good place to start...
Monday, March 27, 2006
Starting Over
It's almost as if I don't know where to start...I suppose starting this blog is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. I really need a place to reflect upon myself and the things around me. I need to express myself, I need to figure out who I am...here it goes...
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