Sunshine

I haven't felt this light hearted in a very long time. Right now, there is nothing to stress me, not one thing. I have such a care-free summer ahead of me.

I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.

It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.

I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.

The Start Of Something....

There's nothing but success for me from here on out. I'm heading down that path, the one that was meant for me. I'm here to make a difference...

Party Time!

I GOT IN!!!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!! :)

Tomorrow Has Come And Gone

*Deep Breaths* I'm scared...Scared of not making it...The butterflies in my stomach have turned into unbearable pains. My mind and my heart are racing each other and I'm not sure which one is winning. I can't falter right now, I can't let go. I need to keep it together for just one more day, give me that.

The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...

I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...

What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.

The Eldest Sibling Complex

I've carried this burden for as long as I can remember, this responsibility...I'm not exactly sure as to how I assumed this role, it just sort of happens...With each success, with each endearing or proud moment...things are etched in stone...who they see you as and who you are becoming...It's harder to screw up when all you've done is good, but, at the same time, much easier to disappoint them. Expectations accumulate and the burden you carry gets heavier. I take care of myself and I do what I can to help my parents take care of my siblings. I'm rock solid, because I have to be. I'm the shoulder to cry on. Can't make mistakes. Can't have fun. There's no going back now is there.

For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?

I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...

All Alone...and...So What?

Well, here I am...alone. I'm so confused, why do people strive so much to be with someone. It's everyone's goal if they don't have a boyfried or girlfried, why? If your single you're suddenly an alien. I believe in meeting people in an interesting and spontaneous manner, I'm sorry, but I'm not the type to go searching and looking for someone. Frankly, I'm not that desparate or even interested at this point in time.

Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.

Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.

Dear Mr. President by Pink

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

Forever Young

You know, I think the statement, "You're only as old as you feel" is extremely true.

Well, I feel old.

I feel like I lack the ability to be young and stupid. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I would just like to not have a conscience, not have worries or responsibility. Please, take me back to a time when a day seemed like it would never end and the summers lasted forever. I want my naieveness back, my virginity, my happiness, everything, give it back.

Life only gets harder, its like runing up steps. You start out at the bottom, full of energy, not many steps behind you to jade you...Each step you take, leaves another step behind and it gets harder and harder to take a step the longer you've been running up them. These steps get more and more exaughsting. Some people aren't going up steps though, some people have more of like a slide. They run up the slide as fast as they can, get exaughsted much quicker and then slide back down to the bottom. For me, it feels like both, more like shoots and ladders with me actually. I'm on a ladder, but there's always that tempting shoot right next to me.

Down Or Up Hill From Here

I submitted my application yesterday...it feels more like I was submitting my future and now all I can do is wait...its out of my hands for a while

Obsession

I am really starting to enjoy being able to really focus on myself, physically and emotionally. It's such an odd sensation, having only myself to worry about and I can already feel myself starting to change, starting to grow. There are so many things that I want to do to better myself and I feel as though I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm a very artistic person and I really lost sight of that the past few years. Well, I've picked up my guitar, my writing, my creativity and it really defines me as a person, I'm ashamed that I let that part of myself go for so long.

At least now I know...not to let myself be shadowed by whatever relationship I am in, it's just not worth it in the end.