An Untold Story

I've been avoiding an important subject. I don't want to face it in my writing because I don't want to turn these thoughts and feelings into anything that has a shadow. Etching it in stone always seems to make it more real, more concrete; but instead it feels like I'm etching this into my skin and these words are written with blood thats been pumped straight through my heart and back again.

I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.

It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.

Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too

Watching The Sun Rise

I woke up wicked early the other day to watch the sunrise. I was also feeling a little artistic so I decided to take my camera with me. I've been living in the city for two months now and even though I love it here its always nice to escape from the constant and unavoidable motion. I've always thought of the city as a living entity all in itself and if you listen closely you can hear it breathing. As I was driving away from the city I noticed that everyone else was driving toward it. Everyone was starting their day by going to work and it made me feel good that I was starting mine simply by enjoying the sun rise. I was making my way to disappear into The Loch and it is there that I'm able to put my life on pause. Its refreshing to just stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings. Time is so relative to your perspective, the last 30 minutes of your shift feels like two hours because you perceive it that way and so I've learned to apply this observation to other periods of time in my life. You can live a lifetime in one moment. I truly believe this, you just have to slow down and take the time to absorb the things you'd normally ignore. Easier said than done, I know, its so easy to get sucked into the abyss of your life. Which is exactly why I make an effort to just stop and breathe every once in a while and why not enjoy something beautiful while I'm on pause. It was great and I really needed that time to just take it all in, everything, my entire life and how could I not feel great about everything that came to my mind in the midst of such a peaceful and beautiful place. I'm excited about whats ahead and I'm happy about where I am in my life right now. Everything is slowly falling into place and it just feels right to me. Its rare in my life but when things line up the right way its wonderful and I really try to just stop and bask in it. I'm basking. Cheers.

I Saw My Life Eclipse

Everything seems to be more balanced now that I don't have this burden to carry. I was in some sort of rut these past couple of months but everything finally seems to be moving forward. Everything is going in the direction that I want it to go and I finally feel at peace. I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a great year for me. I ended 2007 a little bit on the rough side but I feel like I've really paved the way to happiness for myself. It was a lot of work, a lot of reconstruction and things pretty much came crashing down on me but I'm slowly crawling from the depths of the rubble and thus starting the exhausting process of rebuilding. I finally have my own apartment, the girlfriend and I move in February 1st and that day can't get here fast enough. I've earned it though, we've earned it. This is one of those times where I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I'm excited about that, about all of it.

I've been having trouble writing lately and I've realized that when I don't write I'm not in a clear state of mind, my thoughts aren't organized and I'm just scattered all over the damn place. I have trouble communicating my feelings as it is so when I can't even figure out how to write what I'm feeling I am just lost. But I'm back now and I feel fine. I'm picking up my pace and we'll see where it takes me this time.