An Untold Story

I've been avoiding an important subject. I don't want to face it in my writing because I don't want to turn these thoughts and feelings into anything that has a shadow. Etching it in stone always seems to make it more real, more concrete; but instead it feels like I'm etching this into my skin and these words are written with blood thats been pumped straight through my heart and back again.

I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.

It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.

Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too