Lost

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's boredom or depression or if school and two jobs has finally caught up to me. All I know is I'm looking forward to the end of this semester and dreading it at the same time. With the completion of this semester of my life begins what I hope to be a huge step forward.

I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.

It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.

I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?

I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.