Monday, February 19, 2007

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wow, I feel the same way sometimes. Like i could just manage to be myself in *all* aspects of my life if i could start anew somewhere other than here. Anywhere other than here. Then, i remember what i have acquired by working so hard; what i value the most, my friends, family, etc. And i press on. ~V