But I'm Here Now

I love driving at night with the windows down and the music blasting. I get some kind of satisfaction out of disturbing the silence and peace around me. Or perhaps it is the control that I am so attracted to, taking the silence and making it my own. Much like marching to the beat of my own drum. I'm addicted to the meditative state that I fall into while I do this. I am alone and lost in my thoughts and there is nothing surrounding me but wilderness and (fucking) deer. Nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me here, except me. I often find myself arriving at a destination and wondering how on earth I got there. What if that applies to other parts of my life, not just those moments when I'm looking for a way out. A lot of the time I feel like I just arrived here and am clueless as to how and especially why. Is it really possible to live in the present? Time is a constant thing, it never pauses for you to live in the moment. So life doesn't really exist, only death does. As soon as you are born you have slowly begun to die. Death is the constant and life is the variable. You can choose to live your life, but you'll always be dying. So it terrifies me to feel that sometimes, like I didn't start living my life until 20 yrs of it were already gone. But I'm here now.