Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.