Just Like K'Nex

Today was my first day of school...and that's all I'm going to say about that. I also have to work the evening shift now because I got stuck with all day classes, joy of all joys. Anyway, I was sitting here, bored out of my mind, and I started to think about the past month or so. Every once in a while I will read my entire blog from least to most recent entry and I noticed that something happened to me over this past winter break, something good. I feel like I'm finally slipping back into a person that I once was. A person that I am much more at home with and a person that I am much more honest with. I know that this sounds crazy and I'm sure by now you all think that I am borderline multiple personality, but I don't know how else to describe it so that's that.

This is an entry from my old blog dated 5/31/2004:

Day Dreaming. Reality vs. Reality.

I have this dream, this wish, to do something meaningful and important for the world. I know I have it in me, I know there's something I'm supposed to do, I just can't figure it out. It is because of this that I've always looked toward careers that involve helping people like a doctor or a psychiatrist, but do I want to do these things for a living? There is this fire inside of me, this ambition, I don't think I could sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. I need excitement in my life, danger. After realizing that I want to travel, experience differnt people, experience different cultures, learn different languages, I feel lost, like there is no place in this world for me. Perhaps I could work for national geographic, perhaps I could join the peace corp, perhaps perhaps perhaps. I want to do everything, I want to be everyone. So...what do I do?

I decided to share this because I'm starting to feel this way again. But, now that I have this feeling again, a feeling that once scared me more than anything, a part of me I can never seem to understand, I feel more at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. Maybe I am just ready to accept that thats just who I am, uncertain and always willing to try anything in order to extinguish the firey doubt that lives inside of me. If and when I even do extinguish that doubt I am left with the damage the fire had already done to me and I temporary fill that space with something new until new doubts set that on fire. This may not be the best way to describe it, but this is how I roll. Maybe I'll never be completely happy or content with my life but this part of me is also the part that pushes me to experience and try as many things as I possibly can and I think that when I die I'll be able to say that I had a truly fulfilling life...because it was always good, but never good enough...that could be something.