Responsibility

Today my mom is having some serious surgery done and so it is left to me, the eldest sibling and therefore second in line to assume the alpha female role of my pack, to once again temporarily fill the shoes my mother will inevitably leave to me hopefully much farther down the road than today.

I don't mind doing this for my family, in fact, I often assume this position even when it isn't necessarily required of me, especially when it comes to my little sister. This always makes me wonder about the exact moment in my life when I made the decision to take on this role. I was born 1 minute before my twin...its amazing to think how much our lives can change in just one minute of its entirety...However, I like to think that it is more than just that one minute of my life that separates me from her.

There are many times from my childhood that I can remember willingly and knowingly sacrificing my innocence and naivety. I never really fought for it, I just sort of accepted my fate as the oldest and I can honeslty say that it was that choice that has made me the person that I am today. For example, it was always a huge deal when I was very young as to which one of us would get to lay in front of my mom while watching TV and who would lay on her butt. Nicole always wanted to be the one to lay in front of her and I would never fight her on this, I would always willingly give up my right to equally share that spot because I knew it would make her happy. This also goes along with the battle of who got to sit up front whenever we would drive anywhere. Nicole would throw a fit and I would feel bad and say, "It's ok mom, she can sit up front, I don't mind." Sometimes my mom would force me to sit up front with her or lay in front of her, just because I was never willing to fight for it...I truly believe that it is because of those moments in my life, even from such a young age, that I have gained the amount of respect from my parents that I have now. The thing about it though, the thing that bothers and haunts me the most, is that I did mind, I did want to sit up front, I did want to lay in front of my mom...But that want was never a good enough reason for me. My own want wasn't worth upsetting Nicole and putting my mom through the stress of hearing her cry about it, I loved them both too much for that...So, I sacrificed my own happiness for them...I was so young then but never fought for the benefits that go along with being so young and I don't know why...

Anyway, when my mom comes home today she will be in a lot of pain, and for weeks, and won't be able to do much. So, my dad came to me, even though he knows he doesn't have to, and asked for my help around the house and things. I said, sure of course, not a problem. Meanwhile Nicole is a few feet away in the other room sleeping on the couch...and I thought, I wonder if she appreciates or even knows what it is that I have given her...But then my dad placed his hand on my back, leaned in and whispered in my ear, "Thank you honey", kissed my forehead and walked away...and I thought...