Emotionality

I consider myself an extremely rational person. However, I constantly contradict my rationality with the amount of influence I allow my emotions to have on me. This contradiction may or may not be obvious...My emotion has always been something that I am very skilled at hiding, even when it comes to posting on this blog. There are probably more drafts saved on this account then there are actual entries. I am confident in my ability to erase, to hide. I'm very cautious and this caution comes from fear and the inability to trust, even myself. I'm constantly searching for the reason I am the way that I am, perhaps not even a reason but a course of events. I also continually search for answers to questions that don't have a solid answer...

Lately I have this urge to let go of everything and just be. If only it were that easy for me to let go of all of my flaws, my insecurities, my fears. I have always kept them so close to me, I never give myself a break. Somehow I find comfort in all of those things. They are my crutch, they make me human. I wonder though, whether it is a good thing or a bad thing that I constantly focus on parts of myself to improve one way or another. I need to find the courage to be happy with myself, accept who I am in the present and allow myself to change when the time comes. If you constantly search for something you're going to miss the things that happen naturally, without any effort.

I should be happy with the person that I am right now. It's pointless to strive for perfection 100% of the time or even at all. I know that I will never be perfect, but I'm a good person and that should be enough. I feel the most fulfilled when I'm taking care of someone I love and the emptiest when I have disappointed them somehow. I am always willing to sacrifice myself one way or another for those people and I'm starting to wonder if this has something to do with my feelings about my own self worth. I constantly feel like my purpose in this world is to make others happy and to do whatever I can to help someone when they need to be helped. I have no idea where this desire comes from inside me, but its there and always has been. A lot of the time I wish I didn't possess those feelings of extreme empathy. I wish I could walk down the street and not feel sorry for the homeless people that I see, I wish I could ingore what's happening with the war and all of the people who are suffering and dying, I wish these things didn't consume me the way that they do. It's like 'the nothing' in A Neverending Story. There's too much sadness here...