The Rain and the Wind

I can't sleep. It's windy and raining outside and I've just been lying here watching the shadows of the trees dance across the walls. As I sit here I start to think about life and death. I began to touch upon something I've secretly believed ever since I was a young teenager. Its been since then that I've felt like I had no real direction, no real purpose or motivation, and overall trouble with deciding what I wanted to make out of my life...It was also then that the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn't meant to live a long life, maybe I wasn't suppose to know because I didn't really have to know...When I think about that now it seems like the easy way out, tragic, but easy; like I was searching for an answer and that was the only solid thing I could come up with at that time. Those thoughts usually came to me when I was sitting in the back seat of a car staring silently out the window. When we were driving in the rain I would stare at the rain drops jaggedly gliding down the glass. I would try and predict the direction of each drop based on the other drops it slid into. I was trying to control their path, their destiny...trying to control something that I was physically close to, only separated by a thin and transparent piece of reality. When I think about that now I think about how each single drop relates to a single person and each single person is jaggedly gliding down their own piece of reality, constantly bumping into someone else which alters their path slightly and therefore their final destination and with each interaction they take a piece of that drop with them, some of them joining completely and gliding the rest of the way down together. When I was younger I didn't yet have that sense of being helpless, that loss of control and I never even considered the direction and harshness of the wind on the side of the glass...