Life

I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.

I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.