Truth

Here are a couple of entries from my actual journal, not dated, but a month or two ago I suppose...I'm trying to be courageous, can't you tell?

I trip over my thoughts and my words even in my day dreams of my confessions to you. I wish I had the courage to turn these dreams into reality. It's so hard when I don't know how you'll react, what you'll say. I have this fear of seeing terror in your eyes, a loss I could not handle. It's easier for me to imagine your words for you. It's easier for me to imagine your lips on mine, your hands through my hair. It's easier for me to imagine that you love me back.

Though, these day dreams are starting to haunt me. You haunt me in a way you'll never know was possible. You'll never know how my heart beats for you, how I long to see you, how I can't feel the air in my lungs until you look at me. You look at me, your eyes, I fear that you see right through me. Right through to my heart where you've found a comfortable space. Then you smile, a smile that lights up my spirit, a smile that I'd die to see. You make me feel alive. An aliveness that brings me so much sorrow. Sorrow because I know I can never truly fulfill it. You stab me with your beauty. It's an overwhelming pierce to my heart with every quizzical glance. With my love for you goes hand in hand my pain. I never knew true heart ache until my soul woke up in love with you.

I'll carry this burden of love for you...I'll keep it close to me as you are close to it. I never knew this place existed in my heart until you gave it purpose. I love you. I hate you...I love you...

And a little while later...

So another day passes and I can slowly feel myself drifting away from my love for you, my love of the day dreams I have of our coalition. Though, I feel excruchiating jealousy towards the person who will get to have you. The person that gets to take care of you. The person that can make you happy in a way I wish I could. This jealousy runs deep, I can feel it, flowing through my veins, it burns me with every flirtation. I never knew a jealous monster existed in my being until I met you. It seems like I will carry this pain with me until the day I die. I must have been your true love in another life and God's ironic sense of humor has merely placed me as your friend in this one, how unfair. I can only hope one day you will notice the indescribable and unconditional love that I have for you. It seems so timeless, yet, time plays the role of the antagonist in this story. I wish you could see past my physical...See my heart, see my soul and then you will see how perfectly we fit together. You complete me in a way I never knew was possible. You level me, you ground me. I never knew the sadness that is born from something you can't have, but something that is so close, until I met you. You're wonderful, you're awful, but I love all of you and I love the things I haven't even discovered yet. Why can't you see it? Why can't you acknowledge it? I don't have the courage or the strength for this...I can only hope that you do...

I'm starting to think that I am too much of a romantic for my own good. I need to snap out of this and go with the flow like the rest of the fishes out there...