So yesterday I had off of work, I was very excited all weekend that I was going to have Monday off, such a great day to have off. Whenever I have off on Monday I feel like I have somehow cheated the rest of the week and it tends to go by much faster. I was planning on sleeping in, cleaning my car, and then watching some movies for the rest of the day. Instead, I woke up abruptly at 5am. This is when the vomiting started and it did not end until 4pm. There were times yesterday that I really wanted to die. As I set up camp in my bathroom and became very acquainted with the tiles on my bathroom floor and the various shapes and figures they can make, I realized a very familiar feeling was with me all day and didn't cease to exist until I was able to keep down water. This was the feeling of defeat. Life has this way of just blatantly slapping me down. Yesterday was very humbling indeed. Life-"No, you will not have a comfortable relaxing day off, instead, you will puke all day and therefore have ample time to feel completely helpless and not in control of your life at all." Which brings me to the weird thing about defeat, when it comes to me at least.
There have been many times in my life when I have felt absolutely defeated. However, there is always this part of me that is awakened at the sight of defeat and reminds me that I won't feel this horrible forever, things will get better, things will work themselves out one way or another even if you can't see how or why right now. This part of me contradicts how I am naturally, which is completely pesimistic most of the time. But...somehow I always find that slightest bit of hope and that can last me for a long time, consider me a hope camel. Whenever I have these feelings of hope or faith I cling on to them for dear life. So, I am thankful that yesterday when I really wanted to just give up, asperate and die that I had those few hopeful thoughts that I wasn't going to be sick like this forever, just a few more hours of this and I will be ok again.
I will never take those gleaming and glittering feelings of hope during times of despair for granted, they keep me going.
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1 comment:
whenever you get sad, please read this entry...you are indeed a hope camel...we all need to hold on to whatever hope we can, within reason, to get us through tough times...you can hold on to me, i pray that one day you can trust me, completely. ~V
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