An Untold Story

I've been avoiding an important subject. I don't want to face it in my writing because I don't want to turn these thoughts and feelings into anything that has a shadow. Etching it in stone always seems to make it more real, more concrete; but instead it feels like I'm etching this into my skin and these words are written with blood thats been pumped straight through my heart and back again.

I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.

It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.

Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too

Watching The Sun Rise

I woke up wicked early the other day to watch the sunrise. I was also feeling a little artistic so I decided to take my camera with me. I've been living in the city for two months now and even though I love it here its always nice to escape from the constant and unavoidable motion. I've always thought of the city as a living entity all in itself and if you listen closely you can hear it breathing. As I was driving away from the city I noticed that everyone else was driving toward it. Everyone was starting their day by going to work and it made me feel good that I was starting mine simply by enjoying the sun rise. I was making my way to disappear into The Loch and it is there that I'm able to put my life on pause. Its refreshing to just stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings. Time is so relative to your perspective, the last 30 minutes of your shift feels like two hours because you perceive it that way and so I've learned to apply this observation to other periods of time in my life. You can live a lifetime in one moment. I truly believe this, you just have to slow down and take the time to absorb the things you'd normally ignore. Easier said than done, I know, its so easy to get sucked into the abyss of your life. Which is exactly why I make an effort to just stop and breathe every once in a while and why not enjoy something beautiful while I'm on pause. It was great and I really needed that time to just take it all in, everything, my entire life and how could I not feel great about everything that came to my mind in the midst of such a peaceful and beautiful place. I'm excited about whats ahead and I'm happy about where I am in my life right now. Everything is slowly falling into place and it just feels right to me. Its rare in my life but when things line up the right way its wonderful and I really try to just stop and bask in it. I'm basking. Cheers.

I Saw My Life Eclipse

Everything seems to be more balanced now that I don't have this burden to carry. I was in some sort of rut these past couple of months but everything finally seems to be moving forward. Everything is going in the direction that I want it to go and I finally feel at peace. I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a great year for me. I ended 2007 a little bit on the rough side but I feel like I've really paved the way to happiness for myself. It was a lot of work, a lot of reconstruction and things pretty much came crashing down on me but I'm slowly crawling from the depths of the rubble and thus starting the exhausting process of rebuilding. I finally have my own apartment, the girlfriend and I move in February 1st and that day can't get here fast enough. I've earned it though, we've earned it. This is one of those times where I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I'm excited about that, about all of it.

I've been having trouble writing lately and I've realized that when I don't write I'm not in a clear state of mind, my thoughts aren't organized and I'm just scattered all over the damn place. I have trouble communicating my feelings as it is so when I can't even figure out how to write what I'm feeling I am just lost. But I'm back now and I feel fine. I'm picking up my pace and we'll see where it takes me this time.

Counting

I love the smell of the air right before it snows. That icy smell that is so beautifully complimented by the distinct scent of wood burning stoves and the fuzzy glow of lights. When the wind blows my eyes tear up and its always a mixture of the physical and the emotional. There's a certain sadness that blows in with the cold wind of winter, a certain chill that sends a small shiver throughout my body, a concrete feeling that I associate with the months of this season. Somehow this is balanced by the warmth that the celebration of a holiday brings. Some people embrace it, others reject, but I'm feeling neither here nor there. I'm here for the ride but only as an observer. I've decided that I need to relax and enjoy my life right now, because really, what's not to enjoy? I appreciate my circumstances because I know that it's not always going to be like this. I believe that acceptance goes hand in hand with appreciation and I accept myself right now, perhaps for the first time in my life. I've come a long way in the past few months and I'm proud of my exploration and experiences. I've accomplished a lot, not in the way of discovery, but in the way of acceptance, of appreciation, of pride, of self-worth, of me. I'm comfortable, I'm cozy, I'm warm and I created that heat, I didn't extinguish the spark this time. The flame may have burned some bridges, but I'm not counting my losses here, I'm counting what I've gained and-it's a lot.

New Tat

In celebration of my emancipation I got a new tattoo last Saturday. Apparently the foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo, and I must say, it hurt a lot more than my other tat. In the midst of the tattooing the guy that was doing it stops and looks up at me, and I could tell he had some kind of realization, and he says to me, "Are you a lesbian?" Ha ha, I thought that was so funny, I said yes and then he says, "Good, cause I was going to say, this is pretty gay." Ha ha, classic moment for me, classic and then he started to hit on me, is that some kind of an ego thing with straight men or what? Anyways, it will look a lot better once it has healed, the yellow looks orange because I'm a bleeder.

Have a happy thanksgiving!

P.S. I got the job at Barnes & Noble

Emancipating Me

I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I don't know where I belong. I'm not saying that I thought my emancipation would be easy...the fact that I miss certain things and people so much is what surprises me and I miss my freaking cats. Right now I'm struggling with keeping my head held high...its hard for me to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Keeping my eyes on the prize seems impossible when the prize is something I imagine, a dream of mine that always seems just out of reach. This is me forcing myself to go for it, I took away all of the obstacles...but created new ones simultaneously. I've always had a problem with sticking to the reality of things. The reality is that I left my home and my family at a difficult time, but where do I draw the line between doing what is best for them and doing what is best for me? The reality is that I'm living in my friends living room and I have to pull out a couch bed when I want to go to sleep but how do I know when I've over-stayed my welcome? The reality is that I'm sad about a lot of things and happy about things that haven't happened yet. The reality is that things only seem to be getting harder and I don't know when its ok to give up. Is it ever ok to give up, to admit defeat, admit that maybe I'm not strong enough for this right now? No, I'm too stubborn for that...I'll die trying to do this before I take a step back into the nest. I may lose some things, maybe even some people...I just hope that in the near future I'll be able to lay my head down on my pillow and wake up in place where I feel like I belong. I'm surrounded by people that have no idea what its like to not have a home, I'm alone, truly alone in that aspect and I'm tired of soaking this inch thick mattress with my tears of self pity. Suck it up Amanda, swallow this pain for just a little while longer. I can do this.

Its Been A While

So yeah, I know, I've been neglecting the crap out of my blog lately, but, a lot has been going on. So, right, updates. As of last week I moved out of my house and I am staying with some friends (I freaking love you guys). I'm also currently looking for a second job, I have an interview at Barnes & Noble today, woo...I'm going to be hopefully working there for the holiday season and mainly its just to hold me over until I obtain my bartending certification and then a job somewhere doing that. Once I secure the bartending job I'll be bringing in enough income to move into my own apartment and thus get off of my friend's sofa bed. So, that is the plan/goal. There's not really much else going on in my life, my current job is good, girlfriend is great, I'm a little pissed at my dad but that should fade. Anyways, how are you guys?

The World In Which We Exist

I wanted to post something but didn't really feel like writing-I wrote this a while ago...

I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone had complete confidence in themselves. Picture a world without insecurity or without doubt. A world in which everyone was always 100% sure of themselves and their actions. It's hard for me to decide whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see a world full of accomplishments and peace, where things get done in a timely and orderly fashion, a world where relationships last and families stick together. However, at the same time, I see a world in which the wrong kind of people don't second guess themselves or their actions. It would basically be a world that had good and evil split directly down the middle, completely black and white, and it gets rid of that middle ground, that in-between, that area of gray.

I like hanging out in the gray area. I am neither good nor evil. I am human, I make mistakes and I can appreciate the fact that I have doubts and insecurities because it means I am constantly changing, constantly growing and constantly questioning who I am as an individual. I am morosely introspective and I've always worried about people that completely reject self examination. How could you be completely content with yourself, at any given point during your existence here? Take yourself out of it even and look around you, the world is constantly changing, it never stops, not for you and not for anyone else. So how is it possible to not change with each minute that passes each and every day that you exist in this place that is constantly in motion?

The unfortunate answer is this-People simply ignore the changes, they ignore the world around them and how it affects their life and what's even worse is the fact that they ignore the influence and the affect that they have on that world, on their environment and on the people that are a part of their lives. What's even scarier is that no matter the degree of separation, we are all somehow connected to one another and we affect one another constantly.

Too many people live in their own little world, a world that they selfishly exist in, alone and without any regard to anyone or anything else. There doesn't have to be a black and white, we can all exist in the gray area together, we just have to realize that nobody is perfect and we can all share that common ground, just be considerate of the people next to you, the people that touch you and the people you touch.

Philosophy for today:

Be resolute. Faulty execution does less harm than a lack of resolution. Materials turn bad more often in repose than in motion. There are people who can't make up their minds and need a push from others. At times this is caused not by perplexity, for they see clearly enough, but by inactivity. It may be ingenious to identify difficulties, but it is more so to find a way of eluding them. Other people are bogged down by nothing and have great powers of judgment and resolution. They were born for lofty pursuits and their clear understanding lets them succeed with ease. No sooner done than said, and there is still time left over. Sure of their luck, they venture forth with even greater confidence.

The Rain and the Wind

I can't sleep. It's windy and raining outside and I've just been lying here watching the shadows of the trees dance across the walls. As I sit here I start to think about life and death. I began to touch upon something I've secretly believed ever since I was a young teenager. Its been since then that I've felt like I had no real direction, no real purpose or motivation, and overall trouble with deciding what I wanted to make out of my life...It was also then that the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn't meant to live a long life, maybe I wasn't suppose to know because I didn't really have to know...When I think about that now it seems like the easy way out, tragic, but easy; like I was searching for an answer and that was the only solid thing I could come up with at that time. Those thoughts usually came to me when I was sitting in the back seat of a car staring silently out the window. When we were driving in the rain I would stare at the rain drops jaggedly gliding down the glass. I would try and predict the direction of each drop based on the other drops it slid into. I was trying to control their path, their destiny...trying to control something that I was physically close to, only separated by a thin and transparent piece of reality. When I think about that now I think about how each single drop relates to a single person and each single person is jaggedly gliding down their own piece of reality, constantly bumping into someone else which alters their path slightly and therefore their final destination and with each interaction they take a piece of that drop with them, some of them joining completely and gliding the rest of the way down together. When I was younger I didn't yet have that sense of being helpless, that loss of control and I never even considered the direction and harshness of the wind on the side of the glass...

Psycho.Babble.Bullshit.

I often wonder what my role is here, or actually, I have many roles, the thing I wonder about is how these roles are assigned to us or, better yet, why we are so willing to take them on. Is it for a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? Why is that so important? Why do we seek those things?

I've always felt like I didn't really belong to any particular category or type. Sometimes I feel so extremely fluid that I think I could be very happy with any path that I may choose, any decision I may make, so, how do I make that decision? There are so many things that I want to do but I want to do them simultaneously and so I end up choosing nothing, doing nothing, or half-assing those things all at once and therefore not really absorbing anything completely. Its overwhelming. Its exhausting.

I need to learn how to pace myself and I need to realize that I can do all of those things without them necessarily tearing me into pieces and running off in different directions. Anything that I may do or anything that I may take on doesn't isolate me or define me completely, it doesn't section me off. There's time...so why am I so anxious?

There's time, right?

Philosophy for today:

Look deep inside. Things are seldom what they seem, and ignorance, which sees no deeper than the bark, often turns to disillusion when it penetrates into things. In all things, deceit arrives first, dragging fools behind it in endless vulgarity. Truth is always late, always last to arrive, limping along with Time. Prudent people save one of their ears for truth, thanking their common mother, Nature, for giving them two. Deceit is superficial, and superficial people are quick to run into her. Discernment lives hidden away in retirement, so as to be more esteemed by the wise and the discreet.

North American Union?

Above you'll see a picture of President Bush, President Fox of Mexico, and Prime Minister Harper of Canada. During a discussion with my dad yesterday about 9/11 he brought up the very real and scary possibility of the North American Union. I was appalled by the things he showed and told me. Apparently the Bush administration is pursuing the idea of pretty much erasing our borders with Mexico and Canada to form one country and therefore allowing unimpeded movement of people (not that its very hard right now anyway) across all the borders. And perhaps the fact that its not very hard in the first place is to create a reason for pursuing the NAU. A ton of illegal immigrants are here already, why not just let them in, right? I'm sure there are a lot of things that Bush has done in order to make this idea seem like a good one. Like putting our country in debt, ignoring the immigration laws, creating a war...Perhaps the war on terrorism is the biggest one of those, pouring billions and billions of dollars into a cause that may have been created/allowed by the government in the first place and why? This could be one of the reasons.














After letting this marinate for a while I began to realize what this really means. The United States of America would cease to exist. We're talking about an entire new currency system (the Amero above), we're talking about completely throwing out the Constitution and therefore all of our expressed (not practiced) freedoms it contains, we're talking about less jobs for "Americans", we're talking about poverty, we're talking about another depression (due to the possible dollar drop?), we're talking about losing everything, we're talking about the possibility of another civil war...

I mean, I am outraged by this, honestly, I don't even really know what to say or do. Check out the CNN videos below.





Peers-let me know what you think, we're going to be drastically affected by this if it actually occurs.

Wii Arm

I can barely lift my right arm from the hard core Wii playing I was doing Tuesday night. I mean, what a work out, Christ, I threw my arm out pitching imaginary balls...technology is at that point where it's starting to scare me a little bit...

Will was determined to beat me at something after I beat him (kicked his ass so bad that his unborn children will feel the defeat) at Mario Kart. I do love a good competition, I'm going to have to get a Wii so I can work on my skills.

Before all the hardcore Wii playing Will and Donna took me to City Cafe, which was pretty good, good Mojitos and really good turtle cheesecake.


Philosophy for today:

Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict the things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle. Many perished from what they feared, but what good was fearing it when they took no steps to prevent it? Some people have a very loyal heart, given to them by nature, which always forewarns them and sounds the alarm, saving them from failure. It is not prudent to rush into troubles, but it is to meet them half way, in order to conquer them.

Aquarium

See how the blow fish smiles at me and mocks me like he knows something he's not suppose to know. Well, I'm sure by the time I got to him word had traveled far and wide that I was the girl that got shat on in the rain forest. Yes, that's right, shat on. I reached the top of that little elevator and 5 seconds later there was bird crap on my arm. I mean, really, really! Who gets pooped on at the aquarium?!?! What are the odds of that?!?! I swear, only me.

It's all right, you can laugh, I was laughing and the gf was laughing with me (at me). Anyways, besides that I had a great time at the aquarium. Cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Quit while you're ahead. All the best gamblers do. A fine retreat matters as much as a stylish attack. As soon as they are enough-even when they are many-cash in your deeds. A long run of good fortune is suspicious. You're safer when good luck alternates with bad, and, besides, that makes for bittersweet enjoyment (ha!). When luck comes racing in on us, it is more likely to slip and smash everything to pieces. Sometimes Lady Luck compensates us, trading intensity for duration. She grows tired when she has to carry someone on her back for a long time (that bitch hasn't carried me at all, ha ha).

Long Day

Jinx had an extremely rough day building her spice rack for wood shop. I, on the other hand, never took wood shop, I took sheet metal. I still have the scar on my left middle finger from using the ridiculously over-sized soldering iron they gave us to work worth. I mean, it was impossible not to burn yourself at least once a day in that class. Seriously, the soldering irons they gave us to use were the size of hammers, yet, the one the teacher used to do the demonstration (what our model was compared to for grading purposes) was the size of a pencil and easily maneuvered, how is this fair? So, my candle stick holder looked like shit. I'm so glad high school is over. I say that like I haven't been out of high school for the past three years, ha ha, it doesn't feel like that long ago...


Philosophy for today:

Know your best quality, your outstanding gift. Cultivate it and nurture all the rest. All people could have achieved eminence in something if only they had known what they excelled at. Identify your king of attributes and apply it in double strength. Some excel at judgment and others at courage. Most people force their intelligence and achieve superiority in nothing. Their own passions blind and flatter them until-too late!-time gives them the lie.

Euphoric Insecuric

I like to rhyme....rhyme is a funny word...

Lately whenever I go to write any kind of entry that I might consider substantial I get this extremely anxious feeling about me. I struggle with this whenever I am very happy. When I'm happy, I don't write much, I don't reflect much. I'm not really sure why but I lose all interest in introspection when I'm happy. Some of the time this scares me, but mostly I enjoy being content. The only reason it scares me some of the time is because I feel like I start to lose sight of myself when I'm wrapped in euphoria. What scares me even more is that I relate "myself" to an unhappy state and that's far from healthy.

Why is it so hard for me to find growth and change unless there is something in my life that either scares me or makes me unhappy? Is that just the way it works?

I don't know...I feel like I should be able to move forward and grow when I'm happy instead of stopping...it feels like I'm stopping right now and rolling around in my happiness and not really acknowledging the world around me, including myself. Is that so wrong? Should I even feel guilty and neglectful towards myself when I do this? Is it because I kept happiness at a distance for such a big chunk of my life that I don't really know what to do with it when it presents itself? And why the hell do I consider substantial entries depressing ones or sad ones? What is it that attracts me so much to being sad and jaded? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, after all of that I've decided to just be happy and screw everything else.

Philosophy for today:

Temper your imagination. You must sometimes rein it in and sometimes encourage it. On imagination all happiness depends: it should be governed by good sense. Sometimes it behaves like a tyrant. It isn't content to speculate, but swings into action and takes over your life, making it pleasant or unpleasant, and making us happy or too satisfied with ourselves. To some it shows only grief: for imagination is a homespun henchman of fools. To others it promises happiness and adventure, gaiety and giddiness. It can do all this as long as it remains unchecked by prudence and common sense.

The End Of The Best Book Series EVER!

So I finished Harry Potter a few days ago, but I've been somewhat busy at work this week, and oh, extremely lazy with my blog lately, other wise I would have written a post right after I finished it, when the gleaming tears of happiness were still freshly streaking down my cheeks. Anyways, I was extremely surprised with how J.k. ended it, I was expecting her to end it somewhat dark with a hint of a cliffhanger, but she didn't. I was very pleased with the ending and not really longing for any more books like I thought I would be, it truly was the end, she did an outstanding job, genius really. She deserves to be a billionaire, one of the few people I will actually say that about.

As for you non-harry potter fans that are sneering at this entry by now and probably stopped reading a few sentences ago-don't criticize the HP books until you have actually read them! If you have actually read them, at least up to and including book 3, then I will be happy to argue with you. I say that because the first two books are basically her introducing all of the characters (she is an awesome character writer, one of the main reasons I enjoy her books so much) and she doesn't really get into the plot until the third book.

In other news (ha) my summer is going very well so far, it has been quite eventful. I am going to Chincoteague again this weekend and then "camping" in the middle of August to conclude my vacationing for the summer. I say "camping" because I will be in the woods in a log cabin that has air conditioning, a kitchen, and a bathroom complete with shower, that's how I camp. Not that I couldn't rough it per say, I just prefer it this way, cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Associate with those you can learn from. Let friendly relations be a school of erudition, and conversation, refined teaching. Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation. Enjoy the company of people of understanding. What you say will be awarded with applause; what you hear, with learning. What draws us to others, ordinarily, is our own interest, and here that interest is ennobled. The prudent frequent the homes of courtly heroes: theaters of heroism, not places of vanity. Some are renowned for their learning and good judgment: oracles of all greatness through example and friendship. Those who accompany them form a courtly academy of gallant discretion and wisdom.