Cancer

My dad has pancreatic cancer. Turns out, they can't operate on him. It has spread from his pancreas to his liver, aorta, spleen and spine. He will start chemotherapy and radiation very soon, but eventually, this will kill him. I'm trying to ignore the 3-6 month prognosis that the doctors have given him...

This is too much for me to handle...Reality is hitting me like a wrecking ball and destroying everything in it's path. I feel completely outside of myself, almost as if it's someone else's life. You just don't think that something like this can happen to you until it does. You hear about this kind of thing all the time and you think, wow, that's so sad...But you never truly realize that it can happen to you just as easily as it happened to them.

My dad came to me yesterday...he said, "It's time for you to grow up now." The funny thing is-I thought I was so grown up and I can tell you now, I've never felt more like a little girl than I did when he said that to me...Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the strong one and that my dad can count on me to take care of everyone and every time someone says that to me I can't help but think-I have you all so fooled. I'm not strong, I'm not going to take this very well and this time I don't have a solution.

It hurts, physically. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, but that feeling of not being able to breathe never goes away. This makes everything else I've ever been upset about seem so extremely petty and unimportant.

My dad is one of the few people that actually understand me. He's one of the few people I can have the same 3 hour conversation with and not get bored or frustrated, if not the only one. He's...my dad. He's my dad and he's being taken away from me, from my family. I don't know what to do...I'm so scared...

Tidal Wave

The light that you use to cast over me has turned into shade, everything in my world has turned to darkness. I'm trapped in a cold place where I only have more and more memories of you and less and less future. Time has never been more fleeting and deceptive. Now I constantly have to fight it and it's never gone by so fast. I've never felt so defeated by anything or anyone.

It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...

I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.

That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.

Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.

Life

I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.

I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.

Sleepy Time Happiness

I think I'm happiest when I'm like this. Jinx is being a good watch cat by glaring at the culprit with the camera and clearly saying, can't you see we're trying to sleep here.

It's A Celebration

The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:

I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.

Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.

Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.

My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.

That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.

Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.

Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!

And Isn't It Ironic

It's interesting. What you'll do to hold onto someone that you love. My twin and my parents got into another one of those huge fights. You know, the type of fight where she says that shes leaving and never coming back and they say good, see ya! Well, this time she really was leaving, got a train ticket to Las Vegas( very typical of her), had her bags packed, and was going to be leaving tonight at 8pm. I went to school this morning but I wasn't really there, I was wherever she was. It hurt me more than I ever expected, the thought of not having her in my life the way that she is now. A few years ago and maybe even a few months ago I would have bought her the train ticket and drove her to the train station. But I don't know, something changed...and it wasn't her, it was me. I never realized how much control I had over my relationship with her, how much it was up to me to make that effort. For once in my entire life I stopped lecturing her, stopped trying to help her and just accepted who she was. Shes completely crazy and a complete wreck most of the time, but that's who she is and I love her. Anyway, a few hours ago some words came out of my mouth that I never in a million years thought I would say. I said, don't move to Las Vegas, give me until May and then we will move out together...I think I might be able to claim some sort of temporary insanity here. But even now, the thought of not having her in my life, makes me upset. If anything, she brings laughter into my life and always reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. Besides, I can't watch over her if shes hundreds of miles away...

I would say for about 20.5 years of my life I couldn't wait for that day to come, the day that I would move out and wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. And now, I just went and sentenced myself with a few more years...oh the irony of it all. This summer should be...interesting...

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.

The Final Frontier

My family and I were eating dinner a little while ago and my dad was explaining something about outer space to my little sister, I was tuning in and out of the conversation, but he did say something that caught my attention. He said, "In outer space, there is no such thing as up or down, there is only perspective." I couldn't help but think about how that applies to us even when we're not in a 0 gravity environment. And at that point I could have engaged in a 3 hour long philosophical discussion with my dad which would have somehow ended on the subject of god/the bible or politics because it always ends up there, I'm really the only person in my family that has the patience to tolerate any kind of long discussion with him (because I secretly like it too), but I wasn't really feeling up for it and so I decided to bite my tongue and write about it instead.

...

Right, so, totally lost my train of thought on this one. Its amazing how it was all just racing through my mind and now...nothing. To be continued...

Scary Movie

So I was on one of my night time drives last night, by myself, and for some disturbed reason I started to think about that movie Gothika. Here I am, driving in the dark on completely desolate roads and of all movies that one pops into my head. I'll admit it, I scared myself. I started obsessively checking my rear view mirror and I was so sure that at any moment a ghost was going to appear in the middle of the street, possess me, and then I'd be shipped off to the nearest mental institution. I'm telling you, if I saw a young helpless girl on the side of the road, in the state of mind that I was in, I would have kept on going, every woman for herself sister. Finally I saw another car and I have never been so happy to see another person while on one of my drives down there. So I felt a little better until the car pulled over to the side of the road, let me pass, got behind me and started flashing their lights at me. So I think, oh god I was wrong, I'm living an urban legend instead. At this point I was certain I was a goner. Finally the person turns and I'm extremely happy, I'll take ghost girl over psycho serial killer guy any day. However, as I'm driving a few cars pass me going the opposite direction and they freaking flash their lights at me too. Now I'm thinkig, jesus christ, there's obviously something very wrong with my car, my tire is about to fall off here or something. So, I had two options, pull over and check my car in the middle of nowhere and get murdered by ghost girl or psycho serial killer guy OR chance it and try to make it home and ignore whatever is wrong with my car. I chose the latter and thankfully made it home. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with my car and who cares, I'm alive.

Don't Stop by Saving Jane

This is when the ink stops flowing
This is when my head starts going
This is when I just can’t get it out
This is when the hits keep comin’
Just when I think I’m on to something
This is when the bottom bottoms out

I promise good enough for you
Then I never keep it
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping
And all the world is sleeping

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when my hands are shaking
This is when the rules are breaking
This is when the music plays too loud
This is when it’s now or never
When it goes from bad to better,
This is when it all makes sense somehow

I promise good enough for you
And pray that I can keep it
And all the world is watching
While I’m open-mouthed and dreaming

I promise good enough for you
And find that I can keep it
And all the world is right with me
And all we are is breathing

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when the ink starts flowing
This is where my heart is going
This is when my hands belong to You.

But I'm Here Now

I love driving at night with the windows down and the music blasting. I get some kind of satisfaction out of disturbing the silence and peace around me. Or perhaps it is the control that I am so attracted to, taking the silence and making it my own. Much like marching to the beat of my own drum. I'm addicted to the meditative state that I fall into while I do this. I am alone and lost in my thoughts and there is nothing surrounding me but wilderness and (fucking) deer. Nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me here, except me. I often find myself arriving at a destination and wondering how on earth I got there. What if that applies to other parts of my life, not just those moments when I'm looking for a way out. A lot of the time I feel like I just arrived here and am clueless as to how and especially why. Is it really possible to live in the present? Time is a constant thing, it never pauses for you to live in the moment. So life doesn't really exist, only death does. As soon as you are born you have slowly begun to die. Death is the constant and life is the variable. You can choose to live your life, but you'll always be dying. So it terrifies me to feel that sometimes, like I didn't start living my life until 20 yrs of it were already gone. But I'm here now.

Just Like K'Nex

Today was my first day of school...and that's all I'm going to say about that. I also have to work the evening shift now because I got stuck with all day classes, joy of all joys. Anyway, I was sitting here, bored out of my mind, and I started to think about the past month or so. Every once in a while I will read my entire blog from least to most recent entry and I noticed that something happened to me over this past winter break, something good. I feel like I'm finally slipping back into a person that I once was. A person that I am much more at home with and a person that I am much more honest with. I know that this sounds crazy and I'm sure by now you all think that I am borderline multiple personality, but I don't know how else to describe it so that's that.

This is an entry from my old blog dated 5/31/2004:

Day Dreaming. Reality vs. Reality.

I have this dream, this wish, to do something meaningful and important for the world. I know I have it in me, I know there's something I'm supposed to do, I just can't figure it out. It is because of this that I've always looked toward careers that involve helping people like a doctor or a psychiatrist, but do I want to do these things for a living? There is this fire inside of me, this ambition, I don't think I could sit in an office all day for the rest of my life. I need excitement in my life, danger. After realizing that I want to travel, experience differnt people, experience different cultures, learn different languages, I feel lost, like there is no place in this world for me. Perhaps I could work for national geographic, perhaps I could join the peace corp, perhaps perhaps perhaps. I want to do everything, I want to be everyone. So...what do I do?

I decided to share this because I'm starting to feel this way again. But, now that I have this feeling again, a feeling that once scared me more than anything, a part of me I can never seem to understand, I feel more at peace with myself than I have in a very long time. Maybe I am just ready to accept that thats just who I am, uncertain and always willing to try anything in order to extinguish the firey doubt that lives inside of me. If and when I even do extinguish that doubt I am left with the damage the fire had already done to me and I temporary fill that space with something new until new doubts set that on fire. This may not be the best way to describe it, but this is how I roll. Maybe I'll never be completely happy or content with my life but this part of me is also the part that pushes me to experience and try as many things as I possibly can and I think that when I die I'll be able to say that I had a truly fulfilling life...because it was always good, but never good enough...that could be something.

Give Me A Window

It's cold. The tips of my fingers are numb. This feeling always brings me back to the window above my bed. I open the window with haste, I can't sleep and I'm longing for a gust of cold night air to collide with my skin. I quickly take a deep breath, inhaling the innocence of the night for the fleeting moment when the stale air of my room is replaced with something that is far more real to me. I am never sure of what it changes or how but I know that it's there and I'm always waiting for it, always hoping that it finds me. I close my eyes and let the silence craddle my thoughts as the wind flirtatiously dances with my hair. My mind clears, the thoughts and dreams that were torturing me have finally faded and I can hear that song now. I start to sing as the window becomes less and less stationary. Piece by piece I am slowly drifting away from this place, perpetually searching for warmth in a world consumed by this chill that I constantly feel. It's been years now and its getting harder and harder to find it, if I ever attained it at all. With every passing winter my window raises higher and higher but the ground is much closer to me than ever before. That ground scares me more than anything and I'm barely escaping it these days. I've always known that one day I will eventually fall and when I do, I'll hit hard. Though, that fear will never be enough to prevent me from opening my window. There is something much stronger inside of me that gives me the courage to search and to find the opportunity to fall. I can only hope that when I do the ground is only a few feet below and that theres someone there to catch me. So here I am, eyes closed and cold always waiting for something or someone to embrace me with their warmth, to catch me when I fall, to walk beside me on that ground. Reality finally sets in and I close the window, but the goose bumps on my arm don't ever seem to go away...

I Have Magical Powers

Top 10 Reasons Why I Love American Idol

1. Simon
2. Paula Abdul high on pills 98% of the time
3. People that can't sing
4. People that can't sing but think that they can
5. People that can't sing and only go on the show for their five minutes of fame(embarrassment)
6. People that can sing but totally fuck up the words of the song or just forget them completely
7. People that can sing but are too, shall I say it, hideously ugly to compete (I feel bad for you ugys, I really do)
8. People that get extremely mad once they are rejected, especially the ones that don't seem to understand why they were rejected in the first place
9. People that keep singing and won't leave once they are rejected
10. People that can't sing and obviously have some sort of mental problem

This is cruel, haha, but it's the truth

School Days...Rule Days...

School is only a few days away and needless to say the frequent entries will soon come to an end. This semester should be fun though. I don't have any upper level biology courses this semester to torture me along with my Vet courses. Not to mention my clinical procedures for large animals class has its lab on a farm. Yes, haha, a farm. I will be spending every Wednesday for the next three months on a farm learning how to administer shots, draw blood, float teeth etc of all the animals I'd rather be at home eating instead of fighting, except horses, I don't think I could eat a horse. Note the word fighting is used here instead of helping, they don't want you to help them and they will do anything in their power to prevent it. Either way, my love for helping animals has its limits, and spending all day on a farm wrestling pigs might be one of them, we'll see. Its just unfortunate that large animal medicine is on the state boards, so I have to learn it. Though, you never know, the knowledge I gain from the farm might come in handy some day. However, if any of you notice that I start chewing tobacco, spitting into tin buckets, chewing on straw, wearing overalls and speaking with a southern accent, please tell me.

*sigh*

I don't want to go back. This is the problem that I have with school, it is too routine. When I slip into a routine and it is consistant for too long I start to feel robotic and therefore depressed. This is definitely one of those instances where I just contradict myself completely. For a person that hates change, I also desparately need it in my life. I need excitement, danger and everything in between. This is why I will work at an emergency hospital. There is so much emotion in an emergency hospital setting, so much hard work, so much struggle, so much sadness...I belong there.