Today is my dad's birthday, he would have been 42. (As I edit this I wonder if I'm going to have an entry that starts off like that every year...I'll try and mix it up a little) My dad passed away almost three months ago...it feels like three days ago. Every night when I lie down to go to sleep the moment that I close my eyes I am hit with what seems like thousands of bad memories and then I am just creamed by overwhelming emotion that leaks slowly from my eyes. Its like clockwork. After that its really hard for me to go back to sleep, I mean, who would want to go back to that? So I've become somewhat of an insomniac and I've definitely got some issues...
Anyway, I visited my dad's grave for a little while today which, honestly, is just weird for me. I really have no idea what to do with myself while I'm there so when I say a little while, I mean minutes. After that I went to my moms where we all drank michelob light and played rock band. By the way, just so you all know, I rule at every instrument in rock band-bring it. So that was fun and now I'm back in the city, the boys are gone so I have the entire apt to myself which rarely ever happens so I'm gonna go and do some crazy cleaning while listening to old Mariah Carey albums or I'll just smoke. Peace.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Just Bouncing (as in-peace out)
Over the past few months I've had extreme feelings leaning towards me just packing up and going somewhere totally random. Who knows how long I'd be gone, I'd just go but I'd be back-some day. I figure I've just been watching the travel channel way too much for my own good. I want Anthony Bourdains job. Lucky bastard. Whenever I watch that show I want to move to some strange Asian country where I'd be a chef and I'd live next to the jungle somewhere. I like Buddhism, I could totally live in Singapore. Shit, I'd even take the Bizzare Food guys job, I think I could eat most of that stuff if they flew me all over the world and paid me a lot of money.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Chunk of My Timeline
I feel like people should know that I just disappear sometimes and people who know me well enough should know by now that I always find my way back. I've been lost and I'm just now getting to the point where I want to really see and talk to people. Lately it feels like I just can't get a break man.
The downward spiral started in November, actually it probably started way before that but lets just say it was November. I moved out of my house and lived with a couple of friends for a little over a month, that got crowded and so then I moved in with my good friend W and had a crazy, yet fun, December and January. February 1st I moved in with my girlfriend, finally out on our own and in our own apartment, woo! February 16th I was laid off from my job of 5 yrs because they lost one of our biggest accounts basically over a technical problem. So then for two months I desperately seek employment with no success, all the while my dad is getting sicker and sicker, and I can't pay for the new apartment I just moved into where I quickly start to feel like nothing there really belonged to me-because it didn't. April 25th my dad passes away, I still haven't found a job and bills at this point are just piling up. Two weeks after my dad passed away I moved out of my girlfriends apartment and back in with W. Soon after that the twin suggests that I come and work with her for a while cleaning houses, mainly so I could go on vacation with her and her boyfriend and some of his friends, she didn't want to be the only girl and so I agreed to do it, I needed the money and could also use a vacation. So I cleaned houses for pretty decent money all of May and June and then went on vacation June 30th through July 5th. I was sick the entire time with bronchitis and a sinus infection and didn't actually get better from that until a couple of days ago. I quit cleaning houses because I'm now looking into an electrician apprenticeship (insert confusion here) which I heard about while I was on "vacation" because my sister's boyfriend's friends are doing it. Honestly I'm just going with the flow at this point, I've accepted I have no control over a lot of whats going on in my life this year. 08-sucks and get this, my horoscope says that its not going to get any better until 2010. I mean, seriously? Anyway, at this point I want to do a job where I use my hands, if its one thing I did learn from cleaning houses its that I don't want to sit in front of a computer screen anymore. I mean I like fixing things and its really really good money and electricity sounds dangerously fun and interesting, ha ha. I just don't know guys, I just don't know.
So yeah, I think that pretty much updates me until the next disaster or two or three or four.
The downward spiral started in November, actually it probably started way before that but lets just say it was November. I moved out of my house and lived with a couple of friends for a little over a month, that got crowded and so then I moved in with my good friend W and had a crazy, yet fun, December and January. February 1st I moved in with my girlfriend, finally out on our own and in our own apartment, woo! February 16th I was laid off from my job of 5 yrs because they lost one of our biggest accounts basically over a technical problem. So then for two months I desperately seek employment with no success, all the while my dad is getting sicker and sicker, and I can't pay for the new apartment I just moved into where I quickly start to feel like nothing there really belonged to me-because it didn't. April 25th my dad passes away, I still haven't found a job and bills at this point are just piling up. Two weeks after my dad passed away I moved out of my girlfriends apartment and back in with W. Soon after that the twin suggests that I come and work with her for a while cleaning houses, mainly so I could go on vacation with her and her boyfriend and some of his friends, she didn't want to be the only girl and so I agreed to do it, I needed the money and could also use a vacation. So I cleaned houses for pretty decent money all of May and June and then went on vacation June 30th through July 5th. I was sick the entire time with bronchitis and a sinus infection and didn't actually get better from that until a couple of days ago. I quit cleaning houses because I'm now looking into an electrician apprenticeship (insert confusion here) which I heard about while I was on "vacation" because my sister's boyfriend's friends are doing it. Honestly I'm just going with the flow at this point, I've accepted I have no control over a lot of whats going on in my life this year. 08-sucks and get this, my horoscope says that its not going to get any better until 2010. I mean, seriously? Anyway, at this point I want to do a job where I use my hands, if its one thing I did learn from cleaning houses its that I don't want to sit in front of a computer screen anymore. I mean I like fixing things and its really really good money and electricity sounds dangerously fun and interesting, ha ha. I just don't know guys, I just don't know.
So yeah, I think that pretty much updates me until the next disaster or two or three or four.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Past Few Months...
...can be summed up by the past few days of my life. My father was admitted to Gilchrist hospice Thursday morning. Wednesday night he started throwing up what my mom thought was stomach bile and by Thursday morning it had gotten so bad that she called an ambulance to come and get him. I woke up to 5 voice mails around noon that day, I didn't listen to any of them, I just called my mom. She told me what had happened and that this time my dad wouldn't be coming home from the hospital, the only words that I could find were, 'ok, I'll be there soon'. I got there and my dad was still throwing up a lot of black looking liquid and the Dr. came in and asked my mom if they could put a tube down his nose to suck it out so he wouldn't have to go through the pain of throwing it up. The Dr. also let us know that it wasn't stomach bile that he was throwing up, it was old blood, my dad was bleeding internally and we had anywhere from a few hours with him to a couple of days. They gave my dad enough drugs to put him in a deep sleep that he would never come out of and the rest of the day was spent saying our goodbyes with family and close friends.
There are moments from that day that I remember very vividly but for the most part its a blur. One of those moments involves a crowded room and a single chair. I had just come in from outside and my mom told me that she needed to stretch her legs and she asked me if I wanted to sit in her chair, the chair that was right next to my dad's bed, I said, 'sure'. She leaned over to my dad, stroked his hair and told him that I was sitting next to him and that she'd be right back. As I sat there facing the opposite side of the room, which contained pretty much my entire family and some of my dad's friends from work, I could feel everyone's eyes close in on me and I knew that they were waiting for me to say the things to my dad that everyone else had already said in some way, shape or form. When my mom was sitting next to him she was holding his hand and as I sat there with everyone's eyes on me I saw my dad's hand flick and twitch closer and closer to the edge of the bed. I stared at him and then I stared at his hand and I knew that he wanted me to hold it and that they were all waiting for me to grab it. I couldn't do it. My mom came back in and relieved me from the situation and without looking at anyone I went back outside.
Surprisingly the rest of the day went by fairly fast, I had a lot of talks with my dad's friends and they told us all funny stories about my dad to lighten the extremely dim shadow of death that was cast over all of us. It started getting late and people slowly started to make their way home. Around 2am my sisters and grandmother had scattered off to find somewhere to sleep and it was just my mother and I in the room with my dad. I told my mom to get some sleep and that I would stay up and watch him. As I sat there staring at my father, anxious and scared, tired but wide awake, I somehow found the courage to walk over to him and grab his hand. I stood there and I cried the tears that I needed to cry and without saying an audible word I told him that I loved him, that I would take care of everyone, and that because of all the things that he taught me, I would be ok. My dad passed away 4 hours later.
The funeral was yesterday and we had viewings Sunday and Monday. I'm not ready to go there yet but I will say that my dad was loved by a lot of people. He was such a good person and I feel so extremely lucky that he was the person that I got to call Dad.
In loving memory of John Stephen Steber July 20, 1966-April 25, 2008
P.S.
My dad had a blog that I didn't know about until he had passed away, you're welcome to read the few things that he posted.
Colonial Vulcan
You were such a nerd dad-and I loved you immensely for it.
There are moments from that day that I remember very vividly but for the most part its a blur. One of those moments involves a crowded room and a single chair. I had just come in from outside and my mom told me that she needed to stretch her legs and she asked me if I wanted to sit in her chair, the chair that was right next to my dad's bed, I said, 'sure'. She leaned over to my dad, stroked his hair and told him that I was sitting next to him and that she'd be right back. As I sat there facing the opposite side of the room, which contained pretty much my entire family and some of my dad's friends from work, I could feel everyone's eyes close in on me and I knew that they were waiting for me to say the things to my dad that everyone else had already said in some way, shape or form. When my mom was sitting next to him she was holding his hand and as I sat there with everyone's eyes on me I saw my dad's hand flick and twitch closer and closer to the edge of the bed. I stared at him and then I stared at his hand and I knew that he wanted me to hold it and that they were all waiting for me to grab it. I couldn't do it. My mom came back in and relieved me from the situation and without looking at anyone I went back outside.
Surprisingly the rest of the day went by fairly fast, I had a lot of talks with my dad's friends and they told us all funny stories about my dad to lighten the extremely dim shadow of death that was cast over all of us. It started getting late and people slowly started to make their way home. Around 2am my sisters and grandmother had scattered off to find somewhere to sleep and it was just my mother and I in the room with my dad. I told my mom to get some sleep and that I would stay up and watch him. As I sat there staring at my father, anxious and scared, tired but wide awake, I somehow found the courage to walk over to him and grab his hand. I stood there and I cried the tears that I needed to cry and without saying an audible word I told him that I loved him, that I would take care of everyone, and that because of all the things that he taught me, I would be ok. My dad passed away 4 hours later.
The funeral was yesterday and we had viewings Sunday and Monday. I'm not ready to go there yet but I will say that my dad was loved by a lot of people. He was such a good person and I feel so extremely lucky that he was the person that I got to call Dad.
In loving memory of John Stephen Steber July 20, 1966-April 25, 2008
P.S.
My dad had a blog that I didn't know about until he had passed away, you're welcome to read the few things that he posted.
Colonial Vulcan
You were such a nerd dad-and I loved you immensely for it.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
An Untold Story
I've been avoiding an important subject. I don't want to face it in my writing because I don't want to turn these thoughts and feelings into anything that has a shadow. Etching it in stone always seems to make it more real, more concrete; but instead it feels like I'm etching this into my skin and these words are written with blood thats been pumped straight through my heart and back again.
I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.
It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.
Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too
I think at some point it becomes necessary to feel that pain.
It took me a long time to decide whether to come out or not. The initial plan was to get my own place set up, tell them I was gay and then move out of the house. It seemed like a good plan at the time and I was totally unsuspecting of anything that might impede the execution. I didn't realize that life had thrown a ditch onto my path and when I unexpectedly hit it, I crashed. I found out that my 40 yr old father had been diagnosed with cancer and had 6 months to 1 year to live. So, I'm crashing. Do I tell my father that I'm gay before he dies or do I let him die in peace? These are the thoughts that are running through my head. After time, I decided that I wanted my dad to know me. It was a hard and scary decision for me to make and even though I was choosing the bumpier path I knew I was choosing the right one, the path a grown person would choose. So I come out, everyone is fine with it, months go by, I start getting comfortable and slowly let my guard down. I think, wow, its been months, he is really ok with this. It always comes down to physics doesn't it? The tiniest friction creates a spark, the spark becomes a flame, bridges start to burn and I pack my things immediately after the argument and I leave.
I don't come back until a week later and its only because I packed with such haste and anger that I didn't grab anything even close to what I actually needed. I knew that he would be there but I took a deep breath, put on my face that beholds no emotion, and walked through the door. The coast seems pretty clear so I head straight upstairs to my room, I was going to make this as quick and painless as I possibly could. While I was upstairs grabbing the things I actually needed my dad walked into my room. He talked for most of it, he explained himself, he apologized, he told me that he loved me and that he didn't want me to move out. When I finally spoke I explained to him that the argument was the reason that I left but it wasn't the reason that I stayed gone. I was just too old to still be living there, it was time for me to go. Surprisingly he accepted this explanation, he hugged me and then I continued to pack up my things. After I was done with the things in my room I went down to the kitchen to get my mail and my dad was standing there looking out into the back yard while drinking his coffee. While I was collecting my mail Jinx came over and was meowing at me and rolling and giving me that I'm adorable how could you possibly ignore me look.
Me: Aww, Jinx is being extra lovable today
Dad: She misses you *said with a slight quiver in his voice*
Me: I miss her too
Monday, January 28, 2008
Watching The Sun Rise
I woke up wicked early the other day to watch the sunrise. I was also feeling a little artistic so I decided to take my camera with me. I've been living in the city for two months now and even though I love it here its always nice to escape from the constant and unavoidable motion. I've always thought of the city as a living entity all in itself and if you listen closely you can hear it breathing. As I was driving away from the city I noticed that everyone else was driving toward it. Everyone was starting their day by going to work and it made me feel good that I was starting mine simply by enjoying the sun rise. I was making my way to disappear into The Loch and it is there that I'm able to put my life on pause. Its refreshing to just stop for a moment and appreciate your surroundings. Time is so relative to your perspective, the last 30 minutes of your shift feels like two hours because you perceive it that way and so I've learned to apply this observation to other periods of time in my life. You can live a lifetime in one moment. 
I truly believe this, you just have to slow down and take the time to absorb the things you'd normally ignore. Easier said than done, I know, its so easy to get sucked into the abyss of your life. Which is exactly why I make an effort to just stop and breathe every once in a while and why not enjoy something beautiful while I'm on pause. It was great and I really needed that time to just take it all in, everything, my entire life and how could I not feel great about everything that came to my mind in the midst of such a peaceful and beautiful place. I'm excited about whats ahead and I'm happy about where I am in my life right now. Everything is slowly falling into place and it just feels right to me. Its rare in my life but when things line up the right way its wonderful and I really try to just stop and bask in it. I'm basking. Cheers.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
I Saw My Life Eclipse
Everything seems to be more balanced now that I don't have this burden to carry. I was in some sort of rut these past couple of months but everything finally seems to be moving forward. Everything is going in the direction that I want it to go and I finally feel at peace. I have a feeling that 2008 is going to be a great year for me. I ended 2007 a little bit on the rough side but I feel like I've really paved the way to happiness for myself. It was a lot of work, a lot of reconstruction and things pretty much came crashing down on me but I'm slowly crawling from the depths of the rubble and thus starting the exhausting process of rebuilding. I finally have my own apartment, the girlfriend and I move in February 1st and that day can't get here fast enough. I've earned it though, we've earned it. This is one of those times where I feel like I'm starting a new chapter in my life and I'm excited about that, about all of it.
I've been having trouble writing lately and I've realized that when I don't write I'm not in a clear state of mind, my thoughts aren't organized and I'm just scattered all over the damn place. I have trouble communicating my feelings as it is so when I can't even figure out how to write what I'm feeling I am just lost. But I'm back now and I feel fine. I'm picking up my pace and we'll see where it takes me this time.
I've been having trouble writing lately and I've realized that when I don't write I'm not in a clear state of mind, my thoughts aren't organized and I'm just scattered all over the damn place. I have trouble communicating my feelings as it is so when I can't even figure out how to write what I'm feeling I am just lost. But I'm back now and I feel fine. I'm picking up my pace and we'll see where it takes me this time.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Counting
I love the smell of the air right before it snows. That icy smell that is so beautifully complimented by the distinct scent of wood burning stoves and the fuzzy glow of lights. When the wind blows my eyes tear up and its always a mixture of the physical and the emotional. There's a certain sadness that blows in with the cold wind of winter, a certain chill that sends a small shiver throughout my body, a concrete feeling that I associate with the months of this season. Somehow this is balanced by the warmth that the celebration of a holiday brings. Some people embrace it, others reject, but I'm feeling neither here nor there. I'm here for the ride but only as an observer. I've decided that I need to relax and enjoy my life right now, because really, what's not to enjoy? I appreciate my circumstances because I know that it's not always going to be like this. I believe that acceptance goes hand in hand with appreciation and I accept myself right now, perhaps for the first time in my life. I've come a long way in the past few months and I'm proud of my exploration and experiences. I've accomplished a lot, not in the way of discovery, but in the way of acceptance, of appreciation, of pride, of self-worth, of me. I'm comfortable, I'm cozy, I'm warm and I created that heat, I didn't extinguish the spark this time. The flame may have burned some bridges, but I'm not counting my losses here, I'm counting what I've gained and-it's a lot.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
New Tat
In celebration of my emancipation I got a new tattoo last Saturday. Apparently the foot is one of the most painful places to get a tattoo, and I must say, it hurt a lot more than my other tat. In the midst of the tattooing the guy that was doing it stops and looks up at me, and I could tell he had some kind of realization, and he says to me, "Are you a lesbian?" Ha ha, I thought that was so funny, I said yes and then he says, "Good, cause I was going to say, this is pretty gay." Ha ha, classic moment for me, classic and then he started to hit on me, is that some kind of an ego thing with straight men or what? Anyways, it will look a lot better once it has healed, the yellow looks orange because I'm a bleeder.Have a happy thanksgiving!
P.S. I got the job at Barnes & Noble
Emancipating Me
I'm at a place in my life where I feel like I don't know where I belong. I'm not saying that I thought my emancipation would be easy...the fact that I miss certain things and people so much is what surprises me and I miss my freaking cats. Right now I'm struggling with keeping my head held high...its hard for me to stay focused on the light at the end of the tunnel. Keeping my eyes on the prize seems impossible when the prize is something I imagine, a dream of mine that always seems just out of reach. This is me forcing myself to go for it, I took away all of the obstacles...but created new ones simultaneously. I've always had a problem with sticking to the reality of things. The reality is that I left my home and my family at a difficult time, but where do I draw the line between doing what is best for them and doing what is best for me? The reality is that I'm living in my friends living room and I have to pull out a couch bed when I want to go to sleep but how do I know when I've over-stayed my welcome? The reality is that I'm sad about a lot of things and happy about things that haven't happened yet. The reality is that things only seem to be getting harder and I don't know when its ok to give up. Is it ever ok to give up, to admit defeat, admit that maybe I'm not strong enough for this right now? No, I'm too stubborn for that...I'll die trying to do this before I take a step back into the nest. I may lose some things, maybe even some people...I just hope that in the near future I'll be able to lay my head down on my pillow and wake up in place where I feel like I belong. I'm surrounded by people that have no idea what its like to not have a home, I'm alone, truly alone in that aspect and I'm tired of soaking this inch thick mattress with my tears of self pity. Suck it up Amanda, swallow this pain for just a little while longer. I can do this.
Thursday, November 08, 2007
Its Been A While
So yeah, I know, I've been neglecting the crap out of my blog lately, but, a lot has been going on. So, right, updates. As of last week I moved out of my house and I am staying with some friends (I freaking love you guys). I'm also currently looking for a second job, I have an interview at Barnes & Noble today, woo...I'm going to be hopefully working there for the holiday season and mainly its just to hold me over until I obtain my bartending certification and then a job somewhere doing that. Once I secure the bartending job I'll be bringing in enough income to move into my own apartment and thus get off of my friend's sofa bed. So, that is the plan/goal. There's not really much else going on in my life, my current job is good, girlfriend is great, I'm a little pissed at my dad but that should fade. Anyways, how are you guys?
Monday, October 22, 2007
The World In Which We Exist
I wanted to post something but didn't really feel like writing-I wrote this a while ago...
I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone had complete confidence in themselves. Picture a world without insecurity or without doubt. A world in which everyone was always 100% sure of themselves and their actions. It's hard for me to decide whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see a world full of accomplishments and peace, where things get done in a timely and orderly fashion, a world where relationships last and families stick together. However, at the same time, I see a world in which the wrong kind of people don't second guess themselves or their actions. It would basically be a world that had good and evil split directly down the middle, completely black and white, and it gets rid of that middle ground, that in-between, that area of gray.
I like hanging out in the gray area. I am neither good nor evil. I am human, I make mistakes and I can appreciate the fact that I have doubts and insecurities because it means I am constantly changing, constantly growing and constantly questioning who I am as an individual. I am morosely introspective and I've always worried about people that completely reject self examination. How could you be completely content with yourself, at any given point during your existence here? Take yourself out of it even and look around you, the world is constantly changing, it never stops, not for you and not for anyone else. So how is it possible to not change with each minute that passes each and every day that you exist in this place that is constantly in motion?
The unfortunate answer is this-People simply ignore the changes, they ignore the world around them and how it affects their life and what's even worse is the fact that they ignore the influence and the affect that they have on that world, on their environment and on the people that are a part of their lives. What's even scarier is that no matter the degree of separation, we are all somehow connected to one another and we affect one another constantly.
Too many people live in their own little world, a world that they selfishly exist in, alone and without any regard to anyone or anything else. There doesn't have to be a black and white, we can all exist in the gray area together, we just have to realize that nobody is perfect and we can all share that common ground, just be considerate of the people next to you, the people that touch you and the people you touch.
Philosophy for today:
Be resolute. Faulty execution does less harm than a lack of resolution. Materials turn bad more often in repose than in motion. There are people who can't make up their minds and need a push from others. At times this is caused not by perplexity, for they see clearly enough, but by inactivity. It may be ingenious to identify difficulties, but it is more so to find a way of eluding them. Other people are bogged down by nothing and have great powers of judgment and resolution. They were born for lofty pursuits and their clear understanding lets them succeed with ease. No sooner done than said, and there is still time left over. Sure of their luck, they venture forth with even greater confidence.
I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone had complete confidence in themselves. Picture a world without insecurity or without doubt. A world in which everyone was always 100% sure of themselves and their actions. It's hard for me to decide whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see a world full of accomplishments and peace, where things get done in a timely and orderly fashion, a world where relationships last and families stick together. However, at the same time, I see a world in which the wrong kind of people don't second guess themselves or their actions. It would basically be a world that had good and evil split directly down the middle, completely black and white, and it gets rid of that middle ground, that in-between, that area of gray.
I like hanging out in the gray area. I am neither good nor evil. I am human, I make mistakes and I can appreciate the fact that I have doubts and insecurities because it means I am constantly changing, constantly growing and constantly questioning who I am as an individual. I am morosely introspective and I've always worried about people that completely reject self examination. How could you be completely content with yourself, at any given point during your existence here? Take yourself out of it even and look around you, the world is constantly changing, it never stops, not for you and not for anyone else. So how is it possible to not change with each minute that passes each and every day that you exist in this place that is constantly in motion?
The unfortunate answer is this-People simply ignore the changes, they ignore the world around them and how it affects their life and what's even worse is the fact that they ignore the influence and the affect that they have on that world, on their environment and on the people that are a part of their lives. What's even scarier is that no matter the degree of separation, we are all somehow connected to one another and we affect one another constantly.
Too many people live in their own little world, a world that they selfishly exist in, alone and without any regard to anyone or anything else. There doesn't have to be a black and white, we can all exist in the gray area together, we just have to realize that nobody is perfect and we can all share that common ground, just be considerate of the people next to you, the people that touch you and the people you touch.
Philosophy for today:
Be resolute. Faulty execution does less harm than a lack of resolution. Materials turn bad more often in repose than in motion. There are people who can't make up their minds and need a push from others. At times this is caused not by perplexity, for they see clearly enough, but by inactivity. It may be ingenious to identify difficulties, but it is more so to find a way of eluding them. Other people are bogged down by nothing and have great powers of judgment and resolution. They were born for lofty pursuits and their clear understanding lets them succeed with ease. No sooner done than said, and there is still time left over. Sure of their luck, they venture forth with even greater confidence.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
The Rain and the Wind
I can't sleep. It's windy and raining outside and I've just been lying here watching the shadows of the trees dance across the walls. As I sit here I start to think about life and death. I began to touch upon something I've secretly believed ever since I was a young teenager. Its been since then that I've felt like I had no real direction, no real purpose or motivation, and overall trouble with deciding what I wanted to make out of my life...It was also then that the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn't meant to live a long life, maybe I wasn't suppose to know because I didn't really have to know...When I think about that now it seems like the easy way out, tragic, but easy; like I was searching for an answer and that was the only solid thing I could come up with at that time. Those thoughts usually came to me when I was sitting in the back seat of a car staring silently out the window. When we were driving in the rain I would stare at the rain drops jaggedly gliding down the glass. I would try and predict the direction of each drop based on the other drops it slid into. I was trying to control their path, their destiny...trying to control something that I was physically close to, only separated by a thin and transparent piece of reality. When I think about that now I think about how each single drop relates to a single person and each single person is jaggedly gliding down their own piece of reality, constantly bumping into someone else which alters their path slightly and therefore their final destination and with each interaction they take a piece of that drop with them, some of them joining completely and gliding the rest of the way down together. When I was younger I didn't yet have that sense of being helpless, that loss of control and I never even considered the direction and harshness of the wind on the side of the glass...
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Psycho.Babble.Bullshit.
I often wonder what my role is here, or actually, I have many roles, the thing I wonder about is how these roles are assigned to us or, better yet, why we are so willing to take them on. Is it for a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? Why is that so important? Why do we seek those things?
I've always felt like I didn't really belong to any particular category or type. Sometimes I feel so extremely fluid that I think I could be very happy with any path that I may choose, any decision I may make, so, how do I make that decision? There are so many things that I want to do but I want to do them simultaneously and so I end up choosing nothing, doing nothing, or half-assing those things all at once and therefore not really absorbing anything completely. Its overwhelming. Its exhausting.
I need to learn how to pace myself and I need to realize that I can do all of those things without them necessarily tearing me into pieces and running off in different directions. Anything that I may do or anything that I may take on doesn't isolate me or define me completely, it doesn't section me off. There's time...so why am I so anxious?
There's time, right?
Philosophy for today:
Look deep inside. Things are seldom what they seem, and ignorance, which sees no deeper than the bark, often turns to disillusion when it penetrates into things. In all things, deceit arrives first, dragging fools behind it in endless vulgarity. Truth is always late, always last to arrive, limping along with Time. Prudent people save one of their ears for truth, thanking their common mother, Nature, for giving them two. Deceit is superficial, and superficial people are quick to run into her. Discernment lives hidden away in retirement, so as to be more esteemed by the wise and the discreet.
I've always felt like I didn't really belong to any particular category or type. Sometimes I feel so extremely fluid that I think I could be very happy with any path that I may choose, any decision I may make, so, how do I make that decision? There are so many things that I want to do but I want to do them simultaneously and so I end up choosing nothing, doing nothing, or half-assing those things all at once and therefore not really absorbing anything completely. Its overwhelming. Its exhausting.
I need to learn how to pace myself and I need to realize that I can do all of those things without them necessarily tearing me into pieces and running off in different directions. Anything that I may do or anything that I may take on doesn't isolate me or define me completely, it doesn't section me off. There's time...so why am I so anxious?
There's time, right?
Philosophy for today:
Look deep inside. Things are seldom what they seem, and ignorance, which sees no deeper than the bark, often turns to disillusion when it penetrates into things. In all things, deceit arrives first, dragging fools behind it in endless vulgarity. Truth is always late, always last to arrive, limping along with Time. Prudent people save one of their ears for truth, thanking their common mother, Nature, for giving them two. Deceit is superficial, and superficial people are quick to run into her. Discernment lives hidden away in retirement, so as to be more esteemed by the wise and the discreet.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
North American Union?
Above you'll see a picture of President Bush, President Fox of Mexico, and Prime Minister Harper of Canada. During a discussion with my dad yesterday about 9/11 he brought up the very real and scary possibility of the North American Union. I was appalled by the things he showed and told me. Apparently the Bush administration is pursuing the idea of pretty much erasing our borders with Mexico and Canada to form one country and therefore allowing unimpeded movement of people (not that its very hard right now anyway) across all the borders. And perhaps the fact that its not very hard in the first place is to create a reason for pursuing the NAU. A ton of illegal immigrants are here already, why not just let them in, right? I'm sure there are a lot of things that Bush has done in order to make this idea seem like a good one. Like putting our country in debt, ignoring the immigration laws, creating a war...Perhaps the war on terrorism is the biggest one of those, pouring billions and billions of dollars into a cause that may have been created/allowed by the government in the first place and why? This could be one of the reasons.
After letting this marinate for a while I began to realize what this really means. The United States of America would cease to exist. We're talking about an entire new currency system (the Amero above), we're talking about completely throwing out the Constitution and therefore all of our expressed (not practiced) freedoms it contains, we're talking about less jobs for "Americans", we're talking about poverty, we're talking about another depression (due to the possible dollar drop?), we're talking about losing everything, we're talking about the possibility of another civil war...
I mean, I am outraged by this, honestly, I don't even really know what to say or do. Check out the CNN videos below.
Peers-let me know what you think, we're going to be drastically affected by this if it actually occurs.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Wii Arm
I can barely lift my right arm from the hard core Wii playing I was doing Tuesday night. I mean, what a work out, Christ, I threw my arm out pitching imaginary balls...technology is at that point where it's starting to scare me a little bit...
Will was determined to beat me at something after I beat him (kicked his ass so bad that his unborn children will feel the defeat) at Mario Kart. I do love a good competition, I'm going to have to get a Wii so I can work on my skills.
Before all the hardcore Wii playing Will and Donna took me to City Cafe, which was pretty good, good Mojitos and really good turtle cheesecake.
Philosophy for today:
Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict the things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle. Many perished from what they feared, but what good was fearing it when they took no steps to prevent it? Some people have a very loyal heart, given to them by nature, which always forewarns them and sounds the alarm, saving them from failure. It is not prudent to rush into troubles, but it is to meet them half way, in order to conquer them.
Will was determined to beat me at something after I beat him (kicked his ass so bad that his unborn children will feel the defeat) at Mario Kart. I do love a good competition, I'm going to have to get a Wii so I can work on my skills.
Before all the hardcore Wii playing Will and Donna took me to City Cafe, which was pretty good, good Mojitos and really good turtle cheesecake.
Philosophy for today:
Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict the things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle. Many perished from what they feared, but what good was fearing it when they took no steps to prevent it? Some people have a very loyal heart, given to them by nature, which always forewarns them and sounds the alarm, saving them from failure. It is not prudent to rush into troubles, but it is to meet them half way, in order to conquer them.
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
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