I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

That is me at a Papa Roach concert. I know, I'm cool.

Featured on the 98 rock website, here's the link if you guys would like to check it out:

http://www.98online.com/photos-miller-lite-nite-07.asp

Eventful Week Ahead

First of all, this Thursday I will be attending The Fray's concert so I'm extremely excited about that. What can I say, my friends love me and they continue to spoil me with concerts; which is the very reason I am taking them to a Goo Goo Dolls/Lifehouse concert in July. For those of you who know me well, you should know that those two bands are two of my favorite bands of all time. So I'm very excited about that, but it's totally for them, I swear :)

Anyway, a very close friend of mine is celebrating her 22nd birthday this Saturday so we have a couple of events planned for the weekend as well. Friday we will be going to eat at Kobe and Saturday will be spent at Six Flags. Now, I love food and I love roller coasters, however, I have to say I'm somewhat dreading these two events a little bit and heres why. For one, Kobe, its really great food and good entertainment (it's the restaurant where you sit around a grill and watch the Japanese guy cook your food in front of you and do tricks etc) but it's also one of those places that I happen to continually embarrass myself while I'm there. I have been there twice, the first time I didn't really know what to expect, but I had a lot of fun, minus the fact that I always seem to be the one the chef picks on, no matter where I sit. Anyway, near the end of the "show" the chef cuts up little pieces of shrimp that he gracefully throws at you so that you can catch it in your mouth. Well-the first time that I ever went I didn't really know what was happening until it was too late and the little piece of shrimp had hit me on my forehead, I was of course the first one he chucked it at so by the time he got to everyone else they had their laugh and knew exactly what to do. The second time I went, I was determined to prove that I had great eye-mouth coordination and it's all I thought about the entire time, you can do it Amanda, you're ready this time. The mixture of anticipation and anxiety was enough to give anyone a heart attack. So, I see him set the little pieces of shrimp off to the side and I'm ready for it. He throws it at my little sister, she catches it in her mouth, he throws it at my mom, shes catches it in her mouth, he throws it at me and I lift my head up just enough so that it smacks me right in the eye. Bravo Amanda, bravo. So, needless to say, I'm not looking forward to that part of the dinner because I won't be with my family this time (who cares if I embarrass myself in front of them) but I'll be with my friends and my girlfriend. Ha-Wish me luck!

As for Six Flags, there's the obvious annoyance of standing in line for an hour for 2 minutes of thrill, however, I also have a curse. It seems to storm every time I go to Six Flags, not rain, STORM. So I have that to look forward to as well.

Philosophy for today:

Character and intelligence. The poles your talent spins on, displaying your gifts. One without the other brings only half success. It isn't enough to be intelligent; you must also have the right character. The fool fails by behaving without regard to his condition, position, origin, or friendships.

100th Post!

I've decided to celebrate my 100th post by adding something new to my blog. I came across this book, The Art of Worldly Wisdom by Baltasar Gracian. It's a pocket oracle and basically there is a philosophical statement of a sorts for each day of the year. You are supposed to read one each day and think/ponder about it. I've decided to share this with you guys just in case you want to think/ponder about things with me. :)

I'm not sure if I can keep up with the every day thing, I mean, it is me we're talking about here :) But I will try my best. Perhaps I will just select one from the book that may pertain to a particular entry or way that I'm feeling at the time. We'll see :)

But, to start it off, here's the very first one in the book:

All has reached perfection, and becoming a true person is the greatest perfection of all. It takes more to make one *sage today than it did to make the seven of Greece. And you need more resources to deal with a single person these days than with an entire nation in times past.

*sage
1. a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.
2. someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.
–adjective
3. wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Happiest Day Of My Life

My dad had his final CT scan yesterday after his first round (round meaning 6 treatments of chemo) of treatment to see if the chemo worked or not. If the chemo worked they would continue treatment and if it didn't work they would end treatment and give us a final prognosis.

Yesterday was also my mom's 40th birthday and she got the best birthday present ever-yesterday we found out that the tumor in his liver has shrunk down to less than half it's size and the tumor in his pancreas hasn't spread at all. My mother said that the Drs stared at my dad as if he were some kind of medical marvel, they couldn't believe it. Everyone at the hospital was ecstatic and the nurses were saying that they wanted to call my dad a few days ago when they got the results but the Drs made them wait.

My father is also taking part in experimental drug research, he is the 4th person in the country to try this drug and they said they are getting excellent results so far. The Drs also said that the one in a million chance they were telling us about in the beginning may actually come true. This will still be the cause of my father's death, but the 6 month prognosis has been changed to as much as 5-10 yrs if he continues to respond to treatment so well.

I'm not getting my hopes up here, however, this is the best news my family has had in a long time and I'm all for celebrating that :)

So, great news, great day for everyone and I happened to be enjoying a snowball with my mom, all alone-

Me: Mom, I have something kind of important to tell you...
Mom: Oh my god, what is it!? What's wrong?
Me: Ha ha, nothing is wrong mom, its just-I've been dating a girl for the past three weeks...
Mom: Ha ha, jeez, you scared me there for a second, I thought you got like a DWI or were in some kind of trouble or something
Me: A DWI? Thanks mom...so you're not shocked or weirded out by me?
Mom: Of course not honey, whoever makes you happy, makes me happy. I'm not shocked at all.
Me: Really? Why not?
Mom: Well, you rent and own a lot of gay movies for a straight person.
Me: Ha ha, good call. Well, thanks for being so understanding, can you tell dad for me?
Mom: Ha ha, why can't you tell him?
Me: I don't know man, that's like going to him and telling him I need to be on birth control or something
Mom: Ha ha, ok honey, I will tell him, he will be fine with it though

Get home, mom tells dad, dad's response-

Dad: Are you sure you're just not confused?
Mom: She's a little too old to be confused John
Me: Yeah dad, I'm definitely not confused
Dad: Ok honey, whatever floats your boat I guess

So my parents are pretty much awesome. Yesterday was the best friggin day I have had in a long time :)And, I thought for sure that they would act differently around me or wouldn't know how to act, but, they act as if nothing has changed. Life is good :)

Antibacterial Soap Isn't The Cure I Was Hoping For...

My dad had to miss another chemo treatment because his platelets and white blood cells are dangerously low, lower than they were the last time he had to miss a treatment...He is very close to the range that they have to hospitalize you and give you a blood transfusion. Now there is antibacterial soap all over my house and he has to wear a face mask whenever he leaves...I can't even begin to imagine how that must make him feel...Not only do I have to deal with the fact that my father is dying but now I also have to worry about accidentally giving him a germ that could potentially kill him...What kind of torture is this? Why am I even typing this right now?

I hate washing my hands with that soap...it hurts...it almost makes it too real, to feel the sadness on my hands...to hold it...to smell it...to rinse it away with water...

Out & About

I am now in a relationship.

Her name is Vanessa. She's wonderful and perfect for me :)

The past couple of weeks I can't help but feel extremely lucky. My friends have been nothing but supportive of me. It's a shame that sometimes when people come out with something like this they have to suffer some kind of loss and I feel like I have only gained so much and I have so much to be thankful for.

I feel like I have finally started a new chapter of my life and I'm extremely excited about it and very happy because of it.

Bring it on :)

Monday Night Madness

There is only one woman on this earth that could drink almost an entire bottle of Jose Cuervo with me on a Monday night and then wake up at 6am the next day :) Thanks for letting me borrow your girlfriend for a night Will, I had a great time beating her in pool and getting her drunk :)

Cheers!

P.S. I can only play DDR at like 100bpm or less and then its just hilarious because its so slow, there are pictures, these will not be posted.

Ryan Cabrera: True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I don't know...

How do you give advice to someone or console someone when that's all they have done for you your entire life? How do you find the words when the tables are turned, so suddenly and without warning?

Ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer he comes to talk to me often...Sometimes its just to tell me about something nerdy that he's read and I'll pretend like I'm extremely interested, I was always good at that...it's because I love him and I know it makes him happy. Other times, like a few minutes ago, he'll come to me to talk about how he's feeling or about how him and my mom got into a fight, or if him and the twin got into it. This time, it was all three of those things, at once. I have been wondering when the fighting would start for a while now and here it finally is...And here I am, stuck in the middle, as each of the parties involved comes to me to talk about it...

Seeing my dad cry is one of the hardest things to bare, if not the hardest...And it makes me feel more good than bad that my dad feels comfortable confiding in me and that he values my input. However, whenever I am left to regroup after one of these conversations I am consumed by a sadness that is so overwhelming that I just don't know how to feel or what to do or where to go to for help. I don't like discussing these things with people that are a part of my life, I don't like to see my friends saddened by what I'm going through and you can see it in their eyes if I do decide to talk about it. So, more often than not, the burden that each of them gives to me is left with me and that is where it stays. I'm just so scared that one day my legs will buckle out from under me...

Moving On Up

The best friend just graduated college. She graduated cum laude, got her BA in English with a minor in German. I'm so friggin proud of her. Even though she is 6 months older than me I'm still allowed to say I'm proud of her, but only because I've lived directly across the street from her since I was 5, I have rights damnit.

*sigh*

It seems like just yesterday we were all dancing to Mariah Carey and Madonna in my living room when we had no furniture and building forts. Oh, to be young again...

It's a special thing-to know someone from such a young age. To grow up with them and still have that connection. She's one of my soul mates. Which brings me to the thing about soul mates. I don't believe that each person has just one soul mate and I don't believe that that person necessarily has to be a lover. I believe there are people in your life that you were meant to meet and that those people will have an important affect on your life, whether they be a friend, a lover, or even an enemy.

While I was at her graduation I was talking with her dad about photography. He use to teach photography at a university and I was telling him that I wanted to learn about photography this summer and was thinking about taking a class. He somehow convinced me to take him on as my mentor, I like Mr. Loy, but by the time I am done talking with him it feels like my ear is going to fall off. The man can talk. Anyway, he has a dark room in his basement and he's going to teach me how to develop and he's already warned me about how critical he is, but I like criticism and I'm a perfectionist too, so I plan to learn a lot from him this summer. He gave me this old camera to work with and a few rolls of film and told me to start taking pictures and that if he saw me with a digital camera in my hand he'd lecture me about "the old days" when there were no digital cameras. So I'm going to try and avoid that as much as I possibly can.

I hope to get a scanner so I can post the pictures I develop over the summer. I love summer for this very reason, it gives me time to work on my own projects and set goals for myself. Let's see if I can stick with this.

Gravity

I woke up this morning to the sound of cracking plastic and the voice of my mother screaming call 911...I opened my eyes and thought, this is it, this is happening now...and then I saw my dad run into the hall for the phone and I was temporarily hypnotized by a tsunami of relief that washed over me, my bed was the ocean and I was floating there for a moment. I snapped out of it and ran downstairs, my mom was already out in the street checking the vitals of the guy that crashed his motorcycle into a tree and flew about 20 ft right into the front of our yard...

Life is so fragile. I feel so suffocated by this truth lately. It feels like the universe is trying to teach me something and its all happening simultaneously and with no consideration for time or how much I can handle at once. Why my street, why my yard, why did that poor guy hop onto his motorcycle without a helmet? One small miss judgment of the turn at the end of my street and you find yourself flying through the air trying to hold onto your soul, but the force of the crash, the pain of the fall, and suddenly you're just a mangled image of a life, lying on the ground.

There's so much gravity in this world...forcefully pulling us to the ground when all we seem to want to do is fly...but we can't let go, we hold on, despite the pain. We can't let go of the beauty and the fleeting moments of happiness, because they're worth it. They're worth it, they're worth it, they're worth it...

Is Love So Fragile...

I was listening to leather and lace by Stevie the other night while I was on a drive and I realized something...I don't want to write about what I realized because I don't want to jinx it, rather, I don't want to bring attention to it because I'm trying this new thing where I just let things be, whether it be realizations or events, instead of over analyzing it all and destroying it's simplicity...

Hmm...can't do it

Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.

I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?

Ugh, spring always does this to me.

It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.

*sigh*

I'll be waiting forever.

Two Thumbs Up

So I had a very eventful weekend. It was my friend's birthday and his girlfriend and I spoiled him the entire time. Friday we took him to the club and I got him drunk, he did the same for me when it was my birthday, except he was turning 29 but I still wanted to return the favor (have my revenge). While we were at the club I was practicing different ways to get rid of men that want to hit on me. I have tried many things, I've gone to the club in a plain white t-shirt and jeans before and that didn't even work. Anyway, I think I may have discovered something amazing-the thumbs up. Not only does this seem to confuse them, but I think it may scare them a little bit as well. I was dancing with my friends and this guy starts to approach me, he is saying something to me but I'm already ignoring him and out of nowhere, I'm not sure what possessed me, I gave him a thumbs up. He got the strangest look on his face and then he kept on walking. My friends and I laughed and we decided to test this further, sure enough, it got rid of every guy that started to talk to me, gold mine! I tested this out in the car today as well. I'm sitting at a red light and the usual creepy guy in a truck pulls up next to me and starts to stare, I look back at him and unleash the thumbs up. He looked very confused and immediately stopped staring, it also looked like he was trying to figure out how a retarded girl got a license because I definitely started to laugh to myself about the whole thumbs up thing. By the way, I have been driving so much lately that my left arm is visibly tanner than my right, just thought I'd share.

Saturday we went to his kick ball games, I REALLY wanted to play. I think I might join one of their leagues, it could be a fun summer thing to do. I miss being part of a team, even though I wouldn't necessarily consider kick ball a sport, it still looked like a hell of a lot of fun. It's more of like an adult social club type thing where you drink beer at the game and have a good time. I could drink beer and have a good time but I'm also extremely competitive and would definitely have to win, not all of the time but most of the time. Speaking of my competitive nature, Sunday we went and played miniature golf and yes, I lost (you still owe me 20 bucks Josh, I don't care that it was your birthday weekend, man up!).

Finally, I will be retreating to Chincoteague this weekend for a nice, relaxing time at the beach with my close friends to further celebrate his birthday. Man, I'm starting to think we are all just looking for an excuse to celebrate something. Anyway, my grandparents have a house there and I think it will be good for me to get away and get my mind off of things and drink, don't forget the drinking. Everyone knows that any good beach house is made up of 90% liquor and my grandmother is native american so enough said there. Not to mention going for a walk on the beach at night is one of my favorite things to do, minus the various creatures that inhabit the beach at night, but we usually get along. Stories to come next week.

Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...

And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.

Twin Quotes

I haven't laughed in weeks so I must post this...

I was just talking with the twin and the conversation went like this:

[Random moment of silence and then she starts talking again, I totally forget what we were talking about before this and you'll understand why in a few moments]

Twin: Wouldn't it be cool to live back in like the 1700's?
Me: Why the 1700's?
Twin: I don't know, it would be cool to see what it was like when pop pop was young
Me: Pop pop, as in dad's dad? (hysterical laughter almost coming, but I wanted to be absolutely sure as to what she meant)
Twin: Yeah, pop pop
[me laughing hysterically]
Me: If pop pop was born in the 1700's, he would have been like 200 something when he died
Twin: Oh, I don't know...
[moment of silence, and you would think the conversation ends here, but it only gets better]
Twin: So, in the 1700's, is that like before the cavemen, when dinosaurs were still around?
[I can't breathe at this point because I am laughing so hard and crying at the same time]
Me: No, dinosaurs were here before Jesus was even born, like way before then
Twin: Oh, so the 1700's were like when T.V.s were invented?
[blank stare from me, at this point I am not sure if this is hilarious or sad and then she continues to talk]
Twin: Or when the teeny boppers and hippies were around?
Me: That was like 40 years ago
Twin: Oh...I don't know!
[Me wiping the tears streaming down my face]

This might be the dumbest thing that she has ever said. It is moments like these that I want to deny any kind of relation to her, not even like a third cousin twice removed. This is almost as bad as when my dad and I were talking about the war and she said, "There's a war going on?"

Yep, I shared a womb with this person...I must have sucked up all the brain cells while I was in there.

More Proof That God Officially Hates Me

Is this what below rock bottom feels like? I mean really, its like I fell down weeks ago and now I'm just getting kicked around while I'm down here.

Let me just start this off by saying in all the years that I have been driving, I have not once been pulled over or gotten a ticket of any kind, not so much as a parking ticket. I'm sure you can see where this is going now... Last night on my way home from a friend's house, I'm driving down Harford road, listening to my Ipod, minding my own business, not in a particularly bad mood considering the absolute shit storm that has been hovering above my head, when all of the sudden I am being pulled over by "5-0" (what does that mean?) I pull over, I am pissed, but I try to remain calm thinking its something stupid like my tail light was out or something. He asks me for my license and registration and then says nothing, so I ask the traditional question ( it was like he was waiting for me to ask), "what seems to be the problem officer?" He then says I was doing 40 in a construction zone (!!!!!). For those of you who don't know Hardord road, it is ALWAYS under construction. Not to mention the area I was supposedly speeding in is covered in steel plates, there is NO WAY I was doing 40 over those things, that would totally fuck up my car and I would never do that to my car, I worked hard for my car and I take exceptionally good care of it. To add to my frustration the cop then asks me about my leg (I'm wearing this hideously ugly and extremely obvious cast/brace type thing now) and I tell him and he looks at me and smiles and then says, "Having a bit of bad luck lately?" I literally gave this man the most evil glare that I could possibly muster and then he said he would be right back. He came back with just a warning and oh yeah, a $40 ticket because I didn't have my license. And why didn't I have my license? A license that is practically like a Siamese twin to me any other freaking day of the year. Well, it just so happens that this was also the day that the twin asked if she could borrow my ID because she lost hers and wanted to go to the bar. I figured it would be ok, I mean, what are the odds of me getting pulled over by the cops today. WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS.

Update: I'm pretty sure that '5-0' comes from Magnum P.I. It was driving me crazy that I never really questioned where that came from so I googled it.

Fuck

First of all, my leg and foot are nowhere near that big, they are just swollen to about 3x their actual size. Second of all, I'm a clumsy idiot. Thirdly, I'm quite certain now that God flippin hates me.


How did this happen you might be thinking. Well, to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing. However, I'm fairly sure that I rolled it stepping (stumbling) off a curb Friday night. This curb might have been located right outside of the bar, or somewhere else in the parking lot, I'm not quite sure. It was all you could drink for $20 and boy did I get my moneys worth. I want to kill that bastard that kept bringing me shots, he kept coming back to me with his little tray, each time saying that he would surprise me with a different kind of shot. I'm not sure what I had but umm, surprise! Anyway, I'm going to try and go to the doctors today, I'm thinking it might be broken, which is just awesome because I probably can't head out to the farm to continue my equine and cattle training. I've learned I really like horses, cattle, not so much, unless they are being served to me on a platter.

Ya know, I need to snap out of it, I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately and adding a really bad limp to the mix is NOT helping. I probably shouldn't be drinking in the state of mind that I'm in anyway, this was just reckless.

What a great start to my spring break, woo...

The Veronicas-Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
theres nothing i can do