Ryan Cabrera: True

I won't talk
I won't breathe
I won't move till you finally see
that you belong with me

you might think
I don't look
but deep inside in the corner of my mind
I'm attatched to you
mmmm

I'm weak
it's true
cause I'm afraid to know the answer
do you want me too?
cause my heart keeps falling faster

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
i'ts time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

you don't know
what you do
everytime you walk into the room
I'm afraid to move

I'm weak
it's true
I'm just scared to know the ending
do you see me too?
do you even know you meant me

[Chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I know when I go
I'll be on my way to you
the way that's true

[chorus]
I've waited all my life to cross this line
to the only thing thats true
so I will not hide
its time to try anything to be with you
all my life I've waited
this is true

I don't know...

How do you give advice to someone or console someone when that's all they have done for you your entire life? How do you find the words when the tables are turned, so suddenly and without warning?

Ever since my dad was diagnosed with cancer he comes to talk to me often...Sometimes its just to tell me about something nerdy that he's read and I'll pretend like I'm extremely interested, I was always good at that...it's because I love him and I know it makes him happy. Other times, like a few minutes ago, he'll come to me to talk about how he's feeling or about how him and my mom got into a fight, or if him and the twin got into it. This time, it was all three of those things, at once. I have been wondering when the fighting would start for a while now and here it finally is...And here I am, stuck in the middle, as each of the parties involved comes to me to talk about it...

Seeing my dad cry is one of the hardest things to bare, if not the hardest...And it makes me feel more good than bad that my dad feels comfortable confiding in me and that he values my input. However, whenever I am left to regroup after one of these conversations I am consumed by a sadness that is so overwhelming that I just don't know how to feel or what to do or where to go to for help. I don't like discussing these things with people that are a part of my life, I don't like to see my friends saddened by what I'm going through and you can see it in their eyes if I do decide to talk about it. So, more often than not, the burden that each of them gives to me is left with me and that is where it stays. I'm just so scared that one day my legs will buckle out from under me...

Moving On Up

The best friend just graduated college. She graduated cum laude, got her BA in English with a minor in German. I'm so friggin proud of her. Even though she is 6 months older than me I'm still allowed to say I'm proud of her, but only because I've lived directly across the street from her since I was 5, I have rights damnit.

*sigh*

It seems like just yesterday we were all dancing to Mariah Carey and Madonna in my living room when we had no furniture and building forts. Oh, to be young again...

It's a special thing-to know someone from such a young age. To grow up with them and still have that connection. She's one of my soul mates. Which brings me to the thing about soul mates. I don't believe that each person has just one soul mate and I don't believe that that person necessarily has to be a lover. I believe there are people in your life that you were meant to meet and that those people will have an important affect on your life, whether they be a friend, a lover, or even an enemy.

While I was at her graduation I was talking with her dad about photography. He use to teach photography at a university and I was telling him that I wanted to learn about photography this summer and was thinking about taking a class. He somehow convinced me to take him on as my mentor, I like Mr. Loy, but by the time I am done talking with him it feels like my ear is going to fall off. The man can talk. Anyway, he has a dark room in his basement and he's going to teach me how to develop and he's already warned me about how critical he is, but I like criticism and I'm a perfectionist too, so I plan to learn a lot from him this summer. He gave me this old camera to work with and a few rolls of film and told me to start taking pictures and that if he saw me with a digital camera in my hand he'd lecture me about "the old days" when there were no digital cameras. So I'm going to try and avoid that as much as I possibly can.

I hope to get a scanner so I can post the pictures I develop over the summer. I love summer for this very reason, it gives me time to work on my own projects and set goals for myself. Let's see if I can stick with this.

Gravity

I woke up this morning to the sound of cracking plastic and the voice of my mother screaming call 911...I opened my eyes and thought, this is it, this is happening now...and then I saw my dad run into the hall for the phone and I was temporarily hypnotized by a tsunami of relief that washed over me, my bed was the ocean and I was floating there for a moment. I snapped out of it and ran downstairs, my mom was already out in the street checking the vitals of the guy that crashed his motorcycle into a tree and flew about 20 ft right into the front of our yard...

Life is so fragile. I feel so suffocated by this truth lately. It feels like the universe is trying to teach me something and its all happening simultaneously and with no consideration for time or how much I can handle at once. Why my street, why my yard, why did that poor guy hop onto his motorcycle without a helmet? One small miss judgment of the turn at the end of my street and you find yourself flying through the air trying to hold onto your soul, but the force of the crash, the pain of the fall, and suddenly you're just a mangled image of a life, lying on the ground.

There's so much gravity in this world...forcefully pulling us to the ground when all we seem to want to do is fly...but we can't let go, we hold on, despite the pain. We can't let go of the beauty and the fleeting moments of happiness, because they're worth it. They're worth it, they're worth it, they're worth it...

Is Love So Fragile...

I was listening to leather and lace by Stevie the other night while I was on a drive and I realized something...I don't want to write about what I realized because I don't want to jinx it, rather, I don't want to bring attention to it because I'm trying this new thing where I just let things be, whether it be realizations or events, instead of over analyzing it all and destroying it's simplicity...

Hmm...can't do it

Anyway, I think I'm in love...However, my problem is that I think I'm in love with a person that doesn't exist, at least not in real life, not in my life. I'm waiting to meet this person-a person that fits me, a person that will settle me and the restlessness that I have to fight constantly. If only I would meet someone that could take all of that away...Someone that can take away all of my doubts and insecurities instead of someone that creates more of them. I need to meet someone that I know will understand me and someone with patience...I'm very patient when it comes to other people, not so much when it comes to myself. I also have this problem with meeting people that somehow want to fix me or help me in some way...Well, I've decided I don't need to be fixed or helped, I just need to meet someone that loves me the way that I am...because this is the way I am and I don't see myself changing much, at least not changing for the sake of being with someone.

I believe in moments and I believe in waiting for those moments and savoring them when they occur. If you've ever been in love, you know which moments I'm talking about. I miss those moments. I miss the butterflies and even the anxiety, that unbearable pain in your stomach that is somehow wonderful at the same time. There's one moment in particular that I fantasize about often. There's this scene in Pleasantville when they are driving down a road paved by trees covered with pink roses as At Last plays quietly in the background and when the wind blows the loose peddles romantically dance across the road...I imagine myself with someone in a scenario somewhat similar to this. Slipping off into the sunset, driving through a beautiful place to have a picnic somewhere where it feels like no one else exists but us. Does this even exist?

Ugh, spring always does this to me.

It's still scary for me though, I act like a complete idiot whenever I really like someone. I'm thinking it might be some kind of defense mechanism at this point, end the potential relationship before it even starts, boom you're done.

*sigh*

I'll be waiting forever.

Two Thumbs Up

So I had a very eventful weekend. It was my friend's birthday and his girlfriend and I spoiled him the entire time. Friday we took him to the club and I got him drunk, he did the same for me when it was my birthday, except he was turning 29 but I still wanted to return the favor (have my revenge). While we were at the club I was practicing different ways to get rid of men that want to hit on me. I have tried many things, I've gone to the club in a plain white t-shirt and jeans before and that didn't even work. Anyway, I think I may have discovered something amazing-the thumbs up. Not only does this seem to confuse them, but I think it may scare them a little bit as well. I was dancing with my friends and this guy starts to approach me, he is saying something to me but I'm already ignoring him and out of nowhere, I'm not sure what possessed me, I gave him a thumbs up. He got the strangest look on his face and then he kept on walking. My friends and I laughed and we decided to test this further, sure enough, it got rid of every guy that started to talk to me, gold mine! I tested this out in the car today as well. I'm sitting at a red light and the usual creepy guy in a truck pulls up next to me and starts to stare, I look back at him and unleash the thumbs up. He looked very confused and immediately stopped staring, it also looked like he was trying to figure out how a retarded girl got a license because I definitely started to laugh to myself about the whole thumbs up thing. By the way, I have been driving so much lately that my left arm is visibly tanner than my right, just thought I'd share.

Saturday we went to his kick ball games, I REALLY wanted to play. I think I might join one of their leagues, it could be a fun summer thing to do. I miss being part of a team, even though I wouldn't necessarily consider kick ball a sport, it still looked like a hell of a lot of fun. It's more of like an adult social club type thing where you drink beer at the game and have a good time. I could drink beer and have a good time but I'm also extremely competitive and would definitely have to win, not all of the time but most of the time. Speaking of my competitive nature, Sunday we went and played miniature golf and yes, I lost (you still owe me 20 bucks Josh, I don't care that it was your birthday weekend, man up!).

Finally, I will be retreating to Chincoteague this weekend for a nice, relaxing time at the beach with my close friends to further celebrate his birthday. Man, I'm starting to think we are all just looking for an excuse to celebrate something. Anyway, my grandparents have a house there and I think it will be good for me to get away and get my mind off of things and drink, don't forget the drinking. Everyone knows that any good beach house is made up of 90% liquor and my grandmother is native american so enough said there. Not to mention going for a walk on the beach at night is one of my favorite things to do, minus the various creatures that inhabit the beach at night, but we usually get along. Stories to come next week.

Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...

And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.

Twin Quotes

I haven't laughed in weeks so I must post this...

I was just talking with the twin and the conversation went like this:

[Random moment of silence and then she starts talking again, I totally forget what we were talking about before this and you'll understand why in a few moments]

Twin: Wouldn't it be cool to live back in like the 1700's?
Me: Why the 1700's?
Twin: I don't know, it would be cool to see what it was like when pop pop was young
Me: Pop pop, as in dad's dad? (hysterical laughter almost coming, but I wanted to be absolutely sure as to what she meant)
Twin: Yeah, pop pop
[me laughing hysterically]
Me: If pop pop was born in the 1700's, he would have been like 200 something when he died
Twin: Oh, I don't know...
[moment of silence, and you would think the conversation ends here, but it only gets better]
Twin: So, in the 1700's, is that like before the cavemen, when dinosaurs were still around?
[I can't breathe at this point because I am laughing so hard and crying at the same time]
Me: No, dinosaurs were here before Jesus was even born, like way before then
Twin: Oh, so the 1700's were like when T.V.s were invented?
[blank stare from me, at this point I am not sure if this is hilarious or sad and then she continues to talk]
Twin: Or when the teeny boppers and hippies were around?
Me: That was like 40 years ago
Twin: Oh...I don't know!
[Me wiping the tears streaming down my face]

This might be the dumbest thing that she has ever said. It is moments like these that I want to deny any kind of relation to her, not even like a third cousin twice removed. This is almost as bad as when my dad and I were talking about the war and she said, "There's a war going on?"

Yep, I shared a womb with this person...I must have sucked up all the brain cells while I was in there.

More Proof That God Officially Hates Me

Is this what below rock bottom feels like? I mean really, its like I fell down weeks ago and now I'm just getting kicked around while I'm down here.

Let me just start this off by saying in all the years that I have been driving, I have not once been pulled over or gotten a ticket of any kind, not so much as a parking ticket. I'm sure you can see where this is going now... Last night on my way home from a friend's house, I'm driving down Harford road, listening to my Ipod, minding my own business, not in a particularly bad mood considering the absolute shit storm that has been hovering above my head, when all of the sudden I am being pulled over by "5-0" (what does that mean?) I pull over, I am pissed, but I try to remain calm thinking its something stupid like my tail light was out or something. He asks me for my license and registration and then says nothing, so I ask the traditional question ( it was like he was waiting for me to ask), "what seems to be the problem officer?" He then says I was doing 40 in a construction zone (!!!!!). For those of you who don't know Hardord road, it is ALWAYS under construction. Not to mention the area I was supposedly speeding in is covered in steel plates, there is NO WAY I was doing 40 over those things, that would totally fuck up my car and I would never do that to my car, I worked hard for my car and I take exceptionally good care of it. To add to my frustration the cop then asks me about my leg (I'm wearing this hideously ugly and extremely obvious cast/brace type thing now) and I tell him and he looks at me and smiles and then says, "Having a bit of bad luck lately?" I literally gave this man the most evil glare that I could possibly muster and then he said he would be right back. He came back with just a warning and oh yeah, a $40 ticket because I didn't have my license. And why didn't I have my license? A license that is practically like a Siamese twin to me any other freaking day of the year. Well, it just so happens that this was also the day that the twin asked if she could borrow my ID because she lost hers and wanted to go to the bar. I figured it would be ok, I mean, what are the odds of me getting pulled over by the cops today. WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS.

Update: I'm pretty sure that '5-0' comes from Magnum P.I. It was driving me crazy that I never really questioned where that came from so I googled it.

Fuck

First of all, my leg and foot are nowhere near that big, they are just swollen to about 3x their actual size. Second of all, I'm a clumsy idiot. Thirdly, I'm quite certain now that God flippin hates me.


How did this happen you might be thinking. Well, to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing. However, I'm fairly sure that I rolled it stepping (stumbling) off a curb Friday night. This curb might have been located right outside of the bar, or somewhere else in the parking lot, I'm not quite sure. It was all you could drink for $20 and boy did I get my moneys worth. I want to kill that bastard that kept bringing me shots, he kept coming back to me with his little tray, each time saying that he would surprise me with a different kind of shot. I'm not sure what I had but umm, surprise! Anyway, I'm going to try and go to the doctors today, I'm thinking it might be broken, which is just awesome because I probably can't head out to the farm to continue my equine and cattle training. I've learned I really like horses, cattle, not so much, unless they are being served to me on a platter.

Ya know, I need to snap out of it, I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately and adding a really bad limp to the mix is NOT helping. I probably shouldn't be drinking in the state of mind that I'm in anyway, this was just reckless.

What a great start to my spring break, woo...

The Veronicas-Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
theres nothing i can do

Cancer

My dad has pancreatic cancer. Turns out, they can't operate on him. It has spread from his pancreas to his liver, aorta, spleen and spine. He will start chemotherapy and radiation very soon, but eventually, this will kill him. I'm trying to ignore the 3-6 month prognosis that the doctors have given him...

This is too much for me to handle...Reality is hitting me like a wrecking ball and destroying everything in it's path. I feel completely outside of myself, almost as if it's someone else's life. You just don't think that something like this can happen to you until it does. You hear about this kind of thing all the time and you think, wow, that's so sad...But you never truly realize that it can happen to you just as easily as it happened to them.

My dad came to me yesterday...he said, "It's time for you to grow up now." The funny thing is-I thought I was so grown up and I can tell you now, I've never felt more like a little girl than I did when he said that to me...Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the strong one and that my dad can count on me to take care of everyone and every time someone says that to me I can't help but think-I have you all so fooled. I'm not strong, I'm not going to take this very well and this time I don't have a solution.

It hurts, physically. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, but that feeling of not being able to breathe never goes away. This makes everything else I've ever been upset about seem so extremely petty and unimportant.

My dad is one of the few people that actually understand me. He's one of the few people I can have the same 3 hour conversation with and not get bored or frustrated, if not the only one. He's...my dad. He's my dad and he's being taken away from me, from my family. I don't know what to do...I'm so scared...

Tidal Wave

The light that you use to cast over me has turned into shade, everything in my world has turned to darkness. I'm trapped in a cold place where I only have more and more memories of you and less and less future. Time has never been more fleeting and deceptive. Now I constantly have to fight it and it's never gone by so fast. I've never felt so defeated by anything or anyone.

It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...

I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.

That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.

Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.

Life

I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.

I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.

Sleepy Time Happiness

I think I'm happiest when I'm like this. Jinx is being a good watch cat by glaring at the culprit with the camera and clearly saying, can't you see we're trying to sleep here.

It's A Celebration

The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:

I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.

Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.

Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.

My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.

That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.

Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.

Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!