The World In Which We Exist

I wanted to post something but didn't really feel like writing-I wrote this a while ago...

I often wonder what the world would be like if everyone had complete confidence in themselves. Picture a world without insecurity or without doubt. A world in which everyone was always 100% sure of themselves and their actions. It's hard for me to decide whether this would be a good thing or a bad thing. I can see a world full of accomplishments and peace, where things get done in a timely and orderly fashion, a world where relationships last and families stick together. However, at the same time, I see a world in which the wrong kind of people don't second guess themselves or their actions. It would basically be a world that had good and evil split directly down the middle, completely black and white, and it gets rid of that middle ground, that in-between, that area of gray.

I like hanging out in the gray area. I am neither good nor evil. I am human, I make mistakes and I can appreciate the fact that I have doubts and insecurities because it means I am constantly changing, constantly growing and constantly questioning who I am as an individual. I am morosely introspective and I've always worried about people that completely reject self examination. How could you be completely content with yourself, at any given point during your existence here? Take yourself out of it even and look around you, the world is constantly changing, it never stops, not for you and not for anyone else. So how is it possible to not change with each minute that passes each and every day that you exist in this place that is constantly in motion?

The unfortunate answer is this-People simply ignore the changes, they ignore the world around them and how it affects their life and what's even worse is the fact that they ignore the influence and the affect that they have on that world, on their environment and on the people that are a part of their lives. What's even scarier is that no matter the degree of separation, we are all somehow connected to one another and we affect one another constantly.

Too many people live in their own little world, a world that they selfishly exist in, alone and without any regard to anyone or anything else. There doesn't have to be a black and white, we can all exist in the gray area together, we just have to realize that nobody is perfect and we can all share that common ground, just be considerate of the people next to you, the people that touch you and the people you touch.

Philosophy for today:

Be resolute. Faulty execution does less harm than a lack of resolution. Materials turn bad more often in repose than in motion. There are people who can't make up their minds and need a push from others. At times this is caused not by perplexity, for they see clearly enough, but by inactivity. It may be ingenious to identify difficulties, but it is more so to find a way of eluding them. Other people are bogged down by nothing and have great powers of judgment and resolution. They were born for lofty pursuits and their clear understanding lets them succeed with ease. No sooner done than said, and there is still time left over. Sure of their luck, they venture forth with even greater confidence.

The Rain and the Wind

I can't sleep. It's windy and raining outside and I've just been lying here watching the shadows of the trees dance across the walls. As I sit here I start to think about life and death. I began to touch upon something I've secretly believed ever since I was a young teenager. Its been since then that I've felt like I had no real direction, no real purpose or motivation, and overall trouble with deciding what I wanted to make out of my life...It was also then that the thought crossed my mind that perhaps I wasn't meant to live a long life, maybe I wasn't suppose to know because I didn't really have to know...When I think about that now it seems like the easy way out, tragic, but easy; like I was searching for an answer and that was the only solid thing I could come up with at that time. Those thoughts usually came to me when I was sitting in the back seat of a car staring silently out the window. When we were driving in the rain I would stare at the rain drops jaggedly gliding down the glass. I would try and predict the direction of each drop based on the other drops it slid into. I was trying to control their path, their destiny...trying to control something that I was physically close to, only separated by a thin and transparent piece of reality. When I think about that now I think about how each single drop relates to a single person and each single person is jaggedly gliding down their own piece of reality, constantly bumping into someone else which alters their path slightly and therefore their final destination and with each interaction they take a piece of that drop with them, some of them joining completely and gliding the rest of the way down together. When I was younger I didn't yet have that sense of being helpless, that loss of control and I never even considered the direction and harshness of the wind on the side of the glass...

Psycho.Babble.Bullshit.

I often wonder what my role is here, or actually, I have many roles, the thing I wonder about is how these roles are assigned to us or, better yet, why we are so willing to take them on. Is it for a sense of purpose, a sense of belonging? Why is that so important? Why do we seek those things?

I've always felt like I didn't really belong to any particular category or type. Sometimes I feel so extremely fluid that I think I could be very happy with any path that I may choose, any decision I may make, so, how do I make that decision? There are so many things that I want to do but I want to do them simultaneously and so I end up choosing nothing, doing nothing, or half-assing those things all at once and therefore not really absorbing anything completely. Its overwhelming. Its exhausting.

I need to learn how to pace myself and I need to realize that I can do all of those things without them necessarily tearing me into pieces and running off in different directions. Anything that I may do or anything that I may take on doesn't isolate me or define me completely, it doesn't section me off. There's time...so why am I so anxious?

There's time, right?

Philosophy for today:

Look deep inside. Things are seldom what they seem, and ignorance, which sees no deeper than the bark, often turns to disillusion when it penetrates into things. In all things, deceit arrives first, dragging fools behind it in endless vulgarity. Truth is always late, always last to arrive, limping along with Time. Prudent people save one of their ears for truth, thanking their common mother, Nature, for giving them two. Deceit is superficial, and superficial people are quick to run into her. Discernment lives hidden away in retirement, so as to be more esteemed by the wise and the discreet.

North American Union?

Above you'll see a picture of President Bush, President Fox of Mexico, and Prime Minister Harper of Canada. During a discussion with my dad yesterday about 9/11 he brought up the very real and scary possibility of the North American Union. I was appalled by the things he showed and told me. Apparently the Bush administration is pursuing the idea of pretty much erasing our borders with Mexico and Canada to form one country and therefore allowing unimpeded movement of people (not that its very hard right now anyway) across all the borders. And perhaps the fact that its not very hard in the first place is to create a reason for pursuing the NAU. A ton of illegal immigrants are here already, why not just let them in, right? I'm sure there are a lot of things that Bush has done in order to make this idea seem like a good one. Like putting our country in debt, ignoring the immigration laws, creating a war...Perhaps the war on terrorism is the biggest one of those, pouring billions and billions of dollars into a cause that may have been created/allowed by the government in the first place and why? This could be one of the reasons.














After letting this marinate for a while I began to realize what this really means. The United States of America would cease to exist. We're talking about an entire new currency system (the Amero above), we're talking about completely throwing out the Constitution and therefore all of our expressed (not practiced) freedoms it contains, we're talking about less jobs for "Americans", we're talking about poverty, we're talking about another depression (due to the possible dollar drop?), we're talking about losing everything, we're talking about the possibility of another civil war...

I mean, I am outraged by this, honestly, I don't even really know what to say or do. Check out the CNN videos below.





Peers-let me know what you think, we're going to be drastically affected by this if it actually occurs.

Wii Arm

I can barely lift my right arm from the hard core Wii playing I was doing Tuesday night. I mean, what a work out, Christ, I threw my arm out pitching imaginary balls...technology is at that point where it's starting to scare me a little bit...

Will was determined to beat me at something after I beat him (kicked his ass so bad that his unborn children will feel the defeat) at Mario Kart. I do love a good competition, I'm going to have to get a Wii so I can work on my skills.

Before all the hardcore Wii playing Will and Donna took me to City Cafe, which was pretty good, good Mojitos and really good turtle cheesecake.


Philosophy for today:

Trust your heart, especially when it is a strong one. Never contradict it, for usually it can predict the things that matter most: it is a homegrown oracle. Many perished from what they feared, but what good was fearing it when they took no steps to prevent it? Some people have a very loyal heart, given to them by nature, which always forewarns them and sounds the alarm, saving them from failure. It is not prudent to rush into troubles, but it is to meet them half way, in order to conquer them.

Aquarium

See how the blow fish smiles at me and mocks me like he knows something he's not suppose to know. Well, I'm sure by the time I got to him word had traveled far and wide that I was the girl that got shat on in the rain forest. Yes, that's right, shat on. I reached the top of that little elevator and 5 seconds later there was bird crap on my arm. I mean, really, really! Who gets pooped on at the aquarium?!?! What are the odds of that?!?! I swear, only me.

It's all right, you can laugh, I was laughing and the gf was laughing with me (at me). Anyways, besides that I had a great time at the aquarium. Cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Quit while you're ahead. All the best gamblers do. A fine retreat matters as much as a stylish attack. As soon as they are enough-even when they are many-cash in your deeds. A long run of good fortune is suspicious. You're safer when good luck alternates with bad, and, besides, that makes for bittersweet enjoyment (ha!). When luck comes racing in on us, it is more likely to slip and smash everything to pieces. Sometimes Lady Luck compensates us, trading intensity for duration. She grows tired when she has to carry someone on her back for a long time (that bitch hasn't carried me at all, ha ha).

Long Day

Jinx had an extremely rough day building her spice rack for wood shop. I, on the other hand, never took wood shop, I took sheet metal. I still have the scar on my left middle finger from using the ridiculously over-sized soldering iron they gave us to work worth. I mean, it was impossible not to burn yourself at least once a day in that class. Seriously, the soldering irons they gave us to use were the size of hammers, yet, the one the teacher used to do the demonstration (what our model was compared to for grading purposes) was the size of a pencil and easily maneuvered, how is this fair? So, my candle stick holder looked like shit. I'm so glad high school is over. I say that like I haven't been out of high school for the past three years, ha ha, it doesn't feel like that long ago...


Philosophy for today:

Know your best quality, your outstanding gift. Cultivate it and nurture all the rest. All people could have achieved eminence in something if only they had known what they excelled at. Identify your king of attributes and apply it in double strength. Some excel at judgment and others at courage. Most people force their intelligence and achieve superiority in nothing. Their own passions blind and flatter them until-too late!-time gives them the lie.

Euphoric Insecuric

I like to rhyme....rhyme is a funny word...

Lately whenever I go to write any kind of entry that I might consider substantial I get this extremely anxious feeling about me. I struggle with this whenever I am very happy. When I'm happy, I don't write much, I don't reflect much. I'm not really sure why but I lose all interest in introspection when I'm happy. Some of the time this scares me, but mostly I enjoy being content. The only reason it scares me some of the time is because I feel like I start to lose sight of myself when I'm wrapped in euphoria. What scares me even more is that I relate "myself" to an unhappy state and that's far from healthy.

Why is it so hard for me to find growth and change unless there is something in my life that either scares me or makes me unhappy? Is that just the way it works?

I don't know...I feel like I should be able to move forward and grow when I'm happy instead of stopping...it feels like I'm stopping right now and rolling around in my happiness and not really acknowledging the world around me, including myself. Is that so wrong? Should I even feel guilty and neglectful towards myself when I do this? Is it because I kept happiness at a distance for such a big chunk of my life that I don't really know what to do with it when it presents itself? And why the hell do I consider substantial entries depressing ones or sad ones? What is it that attracts me so much to being sad and jaded? What the fuck is wrong with me?

Anyway, after all of that I've decided to just be happy and screw everything else.

Philosophy for today:

Temper your imagination. You must sometimes rein it in and sometimes encourage it. On imagination all happiness depends: it should be governed by good sense. Sometimes it behaves like a tyrant. It isn't content to speculate, but swings into action and takes over your life, making it pleasant or unpleasant, and making us happy or too satisfied with ourselves. To some it shows only grief: for imagination is a homespun henchman of fools. To others it promises happiness and adventure, gaiety and giddiness. It can do all this as long as it remains unchecked by prudence and common sense.

The End Of The Best Book Series EVER!

So I finished Harry Potter a few days ago, but I've been somewhat busy at work this week, and oh, extremely lazy with my blog lately, other wise I would have written a post right after I finished it, when the gleaming tears of happiness were still freshly streaking down my cheeks. Anyways, I was extremely surprised with how J.k. ended it, I was expecting her to end it somewhat dark with a hint of a cliffhanger, but she didn't. I was very pleased with the ending and not really longing for any more books like I thought I would be, it truly was the end, she did an outstanding job, genius really. She deserves to be a billionaire, one of the few people I will actually say that about.

As for you non-harry potter fans that are sneering at this entry by now and probably stopped reading a few sentences ago-don't criticize the HP books until you have actually read them! If you have actually read them, at least up to and including book 3, then I will be happy to argue with you. I say that because the first two books are basically her introducing all of the characters (she is an awesome character writer, one of the main reasons I enjoy her books so much) and she doesn't really get into the plot until the third book.

In other news (ha) my summer is going very well so far, it has been quite eventful. I am going to Chincoteague again this weekend and then "camping" in the middle of August to conclude my vacationing for the summer. I say "camping" because I will be in the woods in a log cabin that has air conditioning, a kitchen, and a bathroom complete with shower, that's how I camp. Not that I couldn't rough it per say, I just prefer it this way, cheers!

Philosophy for today:

Associate with those you can learn from. Let friendly relations be a school of erudition, and conversation, refined teaching. Make your friends your teachers and blend the usefulness of learning with the pleasure of conversation. Enjoy the company of people of understanding. What you say will be awarded with applause; what you hear, with learning. What draws us to others, ordinarily, is our own interest, and here that interest is ennobled. The prudent frequent the homes of courtly heroes: theaters of heroism, not places of vanity. Some are renowned for their learning and good judgment: oracles of all greatness through example and friendship. Those who accompany them form a courtly academy of gallant discretion and wisdom.

Concert Concert Bo Boncert

I would just like to say, for the record, I am officially in love with the lead singer of Lifehouse, thanks.

Overall, I have to say that was one of the best concerts I have ever been to. I even bought a Goo Goo Dolls t-shirt and I never buy ridiculously over priced concert merchandise, that's how great it was. I mean, everyone in the pavilion sang along to Name and Iris, twas grand, you could literally feel the love (let it in) Sorry if you don't get that joke, ha ha.

Anyway, I am vacationing this weekend in Chincoteague/Ocean City (since they are like 45 minutes away from each other) The time in Chincoteague will be spent with family and the time in Ocean City will be spent partying with friends. I expect good times on all accounts :)

I feel like I have been neglecting my blog of late, nothing out of the ordinary for the summer time, I just have better things to do, or actual things to do, ha ha. Updates to come next week, hopefully I make it out of Ocean City alive, we'll see.

Philosophy for today:

Reach perfection. No one is born that way. Perfect yourself daily, both personally and professionally, until you become a consummate being, rounding off your gifts and reaching eminence. Signs of the perfect person: elevated taste, a pure intelligence, a clear will, ripeness of judgment. Some people are never complete and are always lacking something (me). Others take a long time to form themselves (hopefully me). The consummate person-wise in speech, prudent in deeds-is admitted to, and even desired by, the singular society of the discreet.

Playing House

So I got to play house with the girlfriend this past weekend, it was lovely. My friend needed someone to look after a house for him for a couple of days and take care of three dogs, one of which, I am officially in love with, he was so cute and goes by the name of Baxter.

Anyway, during our stay there we decided to prepare dinner and since I'm such an excellent chef, I cooked. I decided to cook the chicken on the grill since I'm an awesome griller as well. So I'm getting the grill ready and trying to get the damn thing to light. I turn the gas on, follow the directions by turning one burner on first and then hitting the ignite button. I hit the ignite button several times and its not lighting, so I lean in to further inspect the grill and hit the ignite button once again to see if I could at least see a spark going off. Well, needless to say, as I was leaned over the grill it decided to light that time, I mean, of course it did. And, well, the eye lashes on my left eye are now a bit shorter than the eye lashes on my right eye...I just love the smell of burnt hair...

It seems like things like this only happen in the movies or to me, I don't get it...

Philosophy for today:

Make people depend on you. A god is made not by adorning the statue but by adoring it. He who is truly shrewd would rather have people need him than thank him. Vulgar gratitude is worth less than polite hope, for hope remembers and gratitude forgets. You will get more from dependence than from courtesy. He who has already drunk turns his back on the well, and the orange already squeezed turns from gold into mud. When there is no longer dependence, good manners disappear, and so does esteem. The most important lesson experience teaches is to maintain dependence, and entertain it without satisfying it. This can hold even a king. But don't carry it too far, leading others astray by your silence or making their ills incurable for your own good.

Very Cool Type Of Profiling

I was very intrigued by this profile/personality test. Basically, you pick what pictures appeal to you for each topic and they profile you based on your visual choices. I thought it was very cool, very different and extremely accurate. Check it out, here is the link:

http://dna.imagini.net/friends/

This is the link for my results if you're interested:

http://friends.imagini.net/@636410-2a59

Tabs run along the side for each different category :)

Philosophy for today:

Knowledge and courage take turns at greatness. Because they are immortal, they can make you so. You are as much as you know, and if you are wise you can do anything. The uniformed person is a dark world unto himself. Judgment and strength: eyes and hands. Without courage, wisdom bears no fruit.

Philosophy for Today

Keep matters in suspense. Successes that are novel win admiration. Being too obvious is neither useful nor tasteful. By not declaring yourself immediately you will keep people guessing, especially if your position is important enough to awaken expectations. Mystery by its very *arcaneness causes veneration. Even when revealing yourself, avoid total frankness, don't let everyone look inside you. Cautious silence is where prudence takes refuge. Once declared, resolutions are never esteemed, and they lie open to criticism. If they turn out badly, you will be twice unfortunate. If you want people to watch and wait on you, imitate the divinity.

*arcane
known or understood by very few; mysterious; secret; obscure; esoteric

I'm learning a lot of interesting words from this old book (written three hundred years ago). Sorry if you are already familiar with some of these terms, since I am not, I figured I would share the definitions of the words that I don't know.

I'm Kind Of A Big Deal

That is me at a Papa Roach concert. I know, I'm cool.

Featured on the 98 rock website, here's the link if you guys would like to check it out:

http://www.98online.com/photos-miller-lite-nite-07.asp

Eventful Week Ahead

First of all, this Thursday I will be attending The Fray's concert so I'm extremely excited about that. What can I say, my friends love me and they continue to spoil me with concerts; which is the very reason I am taking them to a Goo Goo Dolls/Lifehouse concert in July. For those of you who know me well, you should know that those two bands are two of my favorite bands of all time. So I'm very excited about that, but it's totally for them, I swear :)

Anyway, a very close friend of mine is celebrating her 22nd birthday this Saturday so we have a couple of events planned for the weekend as well. Friday we will be going to eat at Kobe and Saturday will be spent at Six Flags. Now, I love food and I love roller coasters, however, I have to say I'm somewhat dreading these two events a little bit and heres why. For one, Kobe, its really great food and good entertainment (it's the restaurant where you sit around a grill and watch the Japanese guy cook your food in front of you and do tricks etc) but it's also one of those places that I happen to continually embarrass myself while I'm there. I have been there twice, the first time I didn't really know what to expect, but I had a lot of fun, minus the fact that I always seem to be the one the chef picks on, no matter where I sit. Anyway, near the end of the "show" the chef cuts up little pieces of shrimp that he gracefully throws at you so that you can catch it in your mouth. Well-the first time that I ever went I didn't really know what was happening until it was too late and the little piece of shrimp had hit me on my forehead, I was of course the first one he chucked it at so by the time he got to everyone else they had their laugh and knew exactly what to do. The second time I went, I was determined to prove that I had great eye-mouth coordination and it's all I thought about the entire time, you can do it Amanda, you're ready this time. The mixture of anticipation and anxiety was enough to give anyone a heart attack. So, I see him set the little pieces of shrimp off to the side and I'm ready for it. He throws it at my little sister, she catches it in her mouth, he throws it at my mom, shes catches it in her mouth, he throws it at me and I lift my head up just enough so that it smacks me right in the eye. Bravo Amanda, bravo. So, needless to say, I'm not looking forward to that part of the dinner because I won't be with my family this time (who cares if I embarrass myself in front of them) but I'll be with my friends and my girlfriend. Ha-Wish me luck!

As for Six Flags, there's the obvious annoyance of standing in line for an hour for 2 minutes of thrill, however, I also have a curse. It seems to storm every time I go to Six Flags, not rain, STORM. So I have that to look forward to as well.

Philosophy for today:

Character and intelligence. The poles your talent spins on, displaying your gifts. One without the other brings only half success. It isn't enough to be intelligent; you must also have the right character. The fool fails by behaving without regard to his condition, position, origin, or friendships.

100th Post!

I've decided to celebrate my 100th post by adding something new to my blog. I came across this book, The Art of Worldly Wisdom by Baltasar Gracian. It's a pocket oracle and basically there is a philosophical statement of a sorts for each day of the year. You are supposed to read one each day and think/ponder about it. I've decided to share this with you guys just in case you want to think/ponder about things with me. :)

I'm not sure if I can keep up with the every day thing, I mean, it is me we're talking about here :) But I will try my best. Perhaps I will just select one from the book that may pertain to a particular entry or way that I'm feeling at the time. We'll see :)

But, to start it off, here's the very first one in the book:

All has reached perfection, and becoming a true person is the greatest perfection of all. It takes more to make one *sage today than it did to make the seven of Greece. And you need more resources to deal with a single person these days than with an entire nation in times past.

*sage
1. a profoundly wise person; a person famed for wisdom.
2. someone venerated for the possession of wisdom, judgment, and experience.
–adjective
3. wise, judicious, or prudent: sage advice.

Happiest Day Of My Life

My dad had his final CT scan yesterday after his first round (round meaning 6 treatments of chemo) of treatment to see if the chemo worked or not. If the chemo worked they would continue treatment and if it didn't work they would end treatment and give us a final prognosis.

Yesterday was also my mom's 40th birthday and she got the best birthday present ever-yesterday we found out that the tumor in his liver has shrunk down to less than half it's size and the tumor in his pancreas hasn't spread at all. My mother said that the Drs stared at my dad as if he were some kind of medical marvel, they couldn't believe it. Everyone at the hospital was ecstatic and the nurses were saying that they wanted to call my dad a few days ago when they got the results but the Drs made them wait.

My father is also taking part in experimental drug research, he is the 4th person in the country to try this drug and they said they are getting excellent results so far. The Drs also said that the one in a million chance they were telling us about in the beginning may actually come true. This will still be the cause of my father's death, but the 6 month prognosis has been changed to as much as 5-10 yrs if he continues to respond to treatment so well.

I'm not getting my hopes up here, however, this is the best news my family has had in a long time and I'm all for celebrating that :)

So, great news, great day for everyone and I happened to be enjoying a snowball with my mom, all alone-

Me: Mom, I have something kind of important to tell you...
Mom: Oh my god, what is it!? What's wrong?
Me: Ha ha, nothing is wrong mom, its just-I've been dating a girl for the past three weeks...
Mom: Ha ha, jeez, you scared me there for a second, I thought you got like a DWI or were in some kind of trouble or something
Me: A DWI? Thanks mom...so you're not shocked or weirded out by me?
Mom: Of course not honey, whoever makes you happy, makes me happy. I'm not shocked at all.
Me: Really? Why not?
Mom: Well, you rent and own a lot of gay movies for a straight person.
Me: Ha ha, good call. Well, thanks for being so understanding, can you tell dad for me?
Mom: Ha ha, why can't you tell him?
Me: I don't know man, that's like going to him and telling him I need to be on birth control or something
Mom: Ha ha, ok honey, I will tell him, he will be fine with it though

Get home, mom tells dad, dad's response-

Dad: Are you sure you're just not confused?
Mom: She's a little too old to be confused John
Me: Yeah dad, I'm definitely not confused
Dad: Ok honey, whatever floats your boat I guess

So my parents are pretty much awesome. Yesterday was the best friggin day I have had in a long time :)And, I thought for sure that they would act differently around me or wouldn't know how to act, but, they act as if nothing has changed. Life is good :)

Antibacterial Soap Isn't The Cure I Was Hoping For...

My dad had to miss another chemo treatment because his platelets and white blood cells are dangerously low, lower than they were the last time he had to miss a treatment...He is very close to the range that they have to hospitalize you and give you a blood transfusion. Now there is antibacterial soap all over my house and he has to wear a face mask whenever he leaves...I can't even begin to imagine how that must make him feel...Not only do I have to deal with the fact that my father is dying but now I also have to worry about accidentally giving him a germ that could potentially kill him...What kind of torture is this? Why am I even typing this right now?

I hate washing my hands with that soap...it hurts...it almost makes it too real, to feel the sadness on my hands...to hold it...to smell it...to rinse it away with water...