Front and Center

It's hard...waking up and starting each day as if it was just an exponential continuation of the days before it. I use to wake up wondering how my day would be different from the one before it, how my life would alter ever so slightly that I probably wouldn't even notice, but I'd try, I compare and contrast like I inhale and exhale. Lately...I wake up like I had never went to sleep in the first place, yesterday is today and I know it and its terrifying. I don't have that blank slate anymore, the one that is created by the fading of the moon and the rising of the sun, unconsciousness and consciousness. Those little changes go unnoticed, unrealized and its because they don't matter. These days are lifeless, these days lead up to the one day that I know is coming, the one day that I know will change my life forever. I am stuck here, in this limbo, where time doesn't exist, there is just the day I knew my life would change and the day that it actually does. I imagine this is what it feels like to die and be resuscitated, but I am living in those seconds in between, waiting for someone to force my soul back into my body.

I have been to many funerals since the age of 13. Death is not new to me, it is not new to my family. It all started when my pop pop died of lung cancer. I remember his funeral like it was yesterday and I remember how it changed me. I remember walking into the viewing room, how cold and stale it was in there, but humidity was soon created by falling tears and sadness still lingered from the people that occupied this room before us. I remember wondering what had happened to those people, what kind of life they had led, anything to keep my attention away from the casket on the other side of the room. My mother then locks her arm with mine and looks at me, I can tell she is worried about me, about how I will handle this. I don't understand why though. I haven't cried yet, at least not in front of anyone, and I never do. She starts to lead me to the casket, its taking forever, this must be the longest walk of my life. I am staring at the ground the entire way across the room and I only know we have reached our destination by the sound of muffled crying. I look to my left, my mom and dad are holding each other and crying, I look to my right, my sisters are crying and then my heart starts beating rapidly and its getting harder and harder to breath. I finally look down...And there he is, this stranger, this man that looks nothing like my pop pop. I continue to just stand there and stare, fists clenched, lips tight, trying to fight it, trying to win, I will not cry...The next thing I remember I am in our car with my mother, it's just the two of us and I'm crying so hard that I can barely breath. I had fainted in front of his casket. I fought my emotions and I lost this time. A few months later my great grandfather died and a few months after that my great grandmother died. I did not cry at my great grandfathers funeral and I sat outside of my great grandmothers viewing room, every few minutes a different family member asking me to come inside, I refused. Eventually, after being harassed by people I barely even knew, I decided to wander around the funeral home. I saw an old stair case and went upstairs, it was dark up there, each room cold and empty, I was scared but also determined to test myself, to test my bravery. I am not sure what I was looking for that day, but I don't think that I ever found it...

For those of you who have never been to a funeral, the very front row is always designated for the closest family members, the saddest people, the people affected most by that death. That seat, front and center, scares me more than anything ever has. Everyone will see me there, torn apart, pieces of me scattered across the ground like a trail from the entrance of that room to that particular space in my reality. You would think that I would be comforted knowing that my friends and family are literally behind me, waiting to support me, but it just scares me. The intimacy of that terrifies me, being so vulnerable and in front of everyone that matters to me the most...What is wrong with me...

And theres this burning, like theres always been

I feel like I've stopped moving. This reality is so overwhelming that I don't know what else to do but stop and observe. There have been times all throughout my life when I felt like I had no control over anything. Sometimes the only thing that you can do is let it play out, take the blows as they come and hope that things can and will get better. I'm going through one of those times right now. I feel so extremely dim and helpless. There is this sadness hovering above my head and it hasn't even fully hit me yet, but eventually it will and it's complete torture knowing that its there but not knowing when it will devour me. It's hard to see myself snapping out of this one, I don't feel as though I'll ever be the same. But I'm on pause right now, I breathe, my heart beats, but I can't feel anything. I do this all the time, I shut myself off. I'll escape these feelings briefly, but they always come back to haunt me. Those moments when I am just suddenly lost, like falling asleep and then waking up in a completely different place. You're confused, you don't know where you are and you start to panic until you finally see something that's familiar to you, something that somehow makes you feel safe...The scariest thing about this is that I'll wake up one day and you'll be gone and I'll never be comforted by the familiarity of you again...

I have been staring at a blank screen for weeks now trying to write about this but each time I start a sentence I already know how it's going to end. I never liked writing or even reading a story if I knew how it was going to end, so usually when I go to write something I never have anything planned out, I just start writing and whatever happens happens. But lately I know where its going, I know how I'm feeling and I get more and more afraid each time to dive deep into this emotion because I'm terrified that I won't be able to resurface.

Twin Quotes

I haven't laughed in weeks so I must post this...

I was just talking with the twin and the conversation went like this:

[Random moment of silence and then she starts talking again, I totally forget what we were talking about before this and you'll understand why in a few moments]

Twin: Wouldn't it be cool to live back in like the 1700's?
Me: Why the 1700's?
Twin: I don't know, it would be cool to see what it was like when pop pop was young
Me: Pop pop, as in dad's dad? (hysterical laughter almost coming, but I wanted to be absolutely sure as to what she meant)
Twin: Yeah, pop pop
[me laughing hysterically]
Me: If pop pop was born in the 1700's, he would have been like 200 something when he died
Twin: Oh, I don't know...
[moment of silence, and you would think the conversation ends here, but it only gets better]
Twin: So, in the 1700's, is that like before the cavemen, when dinosaurs were still around?
[I can't breathe at this point because I am laughing so hard and crying at the same time]
Me: No, dinosaurs were here before Jesus was even born, like way before then
Twin: Oh, so the 1700's were like when T.V.s were invented?
[blank stare from me, at this point I am not sure if this is hilarious or sad and then she continues to talk]
Twin: Or when the teeny boppers and hippies were around?
Me: That was like 40 years ago
Twin: Oh...I don't know!
[Me wiping the tears streaming down my face]

This might be the dumbest thing that she has ever said. It is moments like these that I want to deny any kind of relation to her, not even like a third cousin twice removed. This is almost as bad as when my dad and I were talking about the war and she said, "There's a war going on?"

Yep, I shared a womb with this person...I must have sucked up all the brain cells while I was in there.

More Proof That God Officially Hates Me

Is this what below rock bottom feels like? I mean really, its like I fell down weeks ago and now I'm just getting kicked around while I'm down here.

Let me just start this off by saying in all the years that I have been driving, I have not once been pulled over or gotten a ticket of any kind, not so much as a parking ticket. I'm sure you can see where this is going now... Last night on my way home from a friend's house, I'm driving down Harford road, listening to my Ipod, minding my own business, not in a particularly bad mood considering the absolute shit storm that has been hovering above my head, when all of the sudden I am being pulled over by "5-0" (what does that mean?) I pull over, I am pissed, but I try to remain calm thinking its something stupid like my tail light was out or something. He asks me for my license and registration and then says nothing, so I ask the traditional question ( it was like he was waiting for me to ask), "what seems to be the problem officer?" He then says I was doing 40 in a construction zone (!!!!!). For those of you who don't know Hardord road, it is ALWAYS under construction. Not to mention the area I was supposedly speeding in is covered in steel plates, there is NO WAY I was doing 40 over those things, that would totally fuck up my car and I would never do that to my car, I worked hard for my car and I take exceptionally good care of it. To add to my frustration the cop then asks me about my leg (I'm wearing this hideously ugly and extremely obvious cast/brace type thing now) and I tell him and he looks at me and smiles and then says, "Having a bit of bad luck lately?" I literally gave this man the most evil glare that I could possibly muster and then he said he would be right back. He came back with just a warning and oh yeah, a $40 ticket because I didn't have my license. And why didn't I have my license? A license that is practically like a Siamese twin to me any other freaking day of the year. Well, it just so happens that this was also the day that the twin asked if she could borrow my ID because she lost hers and wanted to go to the bar. I figured it would be ok, I mean, what are the odds of me getting pulled over by the cops today. WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS.

Update: I'm pretty sure that '5-0' comes from Magnum P.I. It was driving me crazy that I never really questioned where that came from so I googled it.

Fuck

First of all, my leg and foot are nowhere near that big, they are just swollen to about 3x their actual size. Second of all, I'm a clumsy idiot. Thirdly, I'm quite certain now that God flippin hates me.


How did this happen you might be thinking. Well, to be honest, I've been thinking the same thing. However, I'm fairly sure that I rolled it stepping (stumbling) off a curb Friday night. This curb might have been located right outside of the bar, or somewhere else in the parking lot, I'm not quite sure. It was all you could drink for $20 and boy did I get my moneys worth. I want to kill that bastard that kept bringing me shots, he kept coming back to me with his little tray, each time saying that he would surprise me with a different kind of shot. I'm not sure what I had but umm, surprise! Anyway, I'm going to try and go to the doctors today, I'm thinking it might be broken, which is just awesome because I probably can't head out to the farm to continue my equine and cattle training. I've learned I really like horses, cattle, not so much, unless they are being served to me on a platter.

Ya know, I need to snap out of it, I have been feeling really sorry for myself lately and adding a really bad limp to the mix is NOT helping. I probably shouldn't be drinking in the state of mind that I'm in anyway, this was just reckless.

What a great start to my spring break, woo...

The Veronicas-Heavily Broken

Everyday I sit here waiting
Everyday just seems so long
And now I've had enough of all the hating
Do we even care, it's so unfair
Any day it'll all be over
Any day there's nothing new
And I just try to find some hope
To try to hold onto
Then it starts again
It'll never end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do

Almost giving up on trying
Almost heading for a fall
And now my mind is screaming out
I've gotta keep on fighting
But then again
It doesn't end

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do?
I'm heavily broken
And there's nothing I can do
And there's nothing I can do

Feels like I'm drowning
I'm screaming for air
(Screaming for air)
Louder I'm crying
And you don't even care

I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
(What can I do)
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken


I'm heavily broken
And I don't know what to do
Can't you see that I'm choking
And I can't even move
When there's nothing left to say
What can you do
I'm heavily broken
theres nothing i can do

Cancer

My dad has pancreatic cancer. Turns out, they can't operate on him. It has spread from his pancreas to his liver, aorta, spleen and spine. He will start chemotherapy and radiation very soon, but eventually, this will kill him. I'm trying to ignore the 3-6 month prognosis that the doctors have given him...

This is too much for me to handle...Reality is hitting me like a wrecking ball and destroying everything in it's path. I feel completely outside of myself, almost as if it's someone else's life. You just don't think that something like this can happen to you until it does. You hear about this kind of thing all the time and you think, wow, that's so sad...But you never truly realize that it can happen to you just as easily as it happened to them.

My dad came to me yesterday...he said, "It's time for you to grow up now." The funny thing is-I thought I was so grown up and I can tell you now, I've never felt more like a little girl than I did when he said that to me...Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the strong one and that my dad can count on me to take care of everyone and every time someone says that to me I can't help but think-I have you all so fooled. I'm not strong, I'm not going to take this very well and this time I don't have a solution.

It hurts, physically. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, but that feeling of not being able to breathe never goes away. This makes everything else I've ever been upset about seem so extremely petty and unimportant.

My dad is one of the few people that actually understand me. He's one of the few people I can have the same 3 hour conversation with and not get bored or frustrated, if not the only one. He's...my dad. He's my dad and he's being taken away from me, from my family. I don't know what to do...I'm so scared...

Tidal Wave

The light that you use to cast over me has turned into shade, everything in my world has turned to darkness. I'm trapped in a cold place where I only have more and more memories of you and less and less future. Time has never been more fleeting and deceptive. Now I constantly have to fight it and it's never gone by so fast. I've never felt so defeated by anything or anyone.

It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...

I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.

That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.

Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.

Life

I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...

I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.

I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.

Sleepy Time Happiness

I think I'm happiest when I'm like this. Jinx is being a good watch cat by glaring at the culprit with the camera and clearly saying, can't you see we're trying to sleep here.

It's A Celebration

The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:

I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.

Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.

Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.

My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.

That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.

Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.

Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!

And Isn't It Ironic

It's interesting. What you'll do to hold onto someone that you love. My twin and my parents got into another one of those huge fights. You know, the type of fight where she says that shes leaving and never coming back and they say good, see ya! Well, this time she really was leaving, got a train ticket to Las Vegas( very typical of her), had her bags packed, and was going to be leaving tonight at 8pm. I went to school this morning but I wasn't really there, I was wherever she was. It hurt me more than I ever expected, the thought of not having her in my life the way that she is now. A few years ago and maybe even a few months ago I would have bought her the train ticket and drove her to the train station. But I don't know, something changed...and it wasn't her, it was me. I never realized how much control I had over my relationship with her, how much it was up to me to make that effort. For once in my entire life I stopped lecturing her, stopped trying to help her and just accepted who she was. Shes completely crazy and a complete wreck most of the time, but that's who she is and I love her. Anyway, a few hours ago some words came out of my mouth that I never in a million years thought I would say. I said, don't move to Las Vegas, give me until May and then we will move out together...I think I might be able to claim some sort of temporary insanity here. But even now, the thought of not having her in my life, makes me upset. If anything, she brings laughter into my life and always reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. Besides, I can't watch over her if shes hundreds of miles away...

I would say for about 20.5 years of my life I couldn't wait for that day to come, the day that I would move out and wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. And now, I just went and sentenced myself with a few more years...oh the irony of it all. This summer should be...interesting...

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.

The Final Frontier

My family and I were eating dinner a little while ago and my dad was explaining something about outer space to my little sister, I was tuning in and out of the conversation, but he did say something that caught my attention. He said, "In outer space, there is no such thing as up or down, there is only perspective." I couldn't help but think about how that applies to us even when we're not in a 0 gravity environment. And at that point I could have engaged in a 3 hour long philosophical discussion with my dad which would have somehow ended on the subject of god/the bible or politics because it always ends up there, I'm really the only person in my family that has the patience to tolerate any kind of long discussion with him (because I secretly like it too), but I wasn't really feeling up for it and so I decided to bite my tongue and write about it instead.

...

Right, so, totally lost my train of thought on this one. Its amazing how it was all just racing through my mind and now...nothing. To be continued...

Scary Movie

So I was on one of my night time drives last night, by myself, and for some disturbed reason I started to think about that movie Gothika. Here I am, driving in the dark on completely desolate roads and of all movies that one pops into my head. I'll admit it, I scared myself. I started obsessively checking my rear view mirror and I was so sure that at any moment a ghost was going to appear in the middle of the street, possess me, and then I'd be shipped off to the nearest mental institution. I'm telling you, if I saw a young helpless girl on the side of the road, in the state of mind that I was in, I would have kept on going, every woman for herself sister. Finally I saw another car and I have never been so happy to see another person while on one of my drives down there. So I felt a little better until the car pulled over to the side of the road, let me pass, got behind me and started flashing their lights at me. So I think, oh god I was wrong, I'm living an urban legend instead. At this point I was certain I was a goner. Finally the person turns and I'm extremely happy, I'll take ghost girl over psycho serial killer guy any day. However, as I'm driving a few cars pass me going the opposite direction and they freaking flash their lights at me too. Now I'm thinkig, jesus christ, there's obviously something very wrong with my car, my tire is about to fall off here or something. So, I had two options, pull over and check my car in the middle of nowhere and get murdered by ghost girl or psycho serial killer guy OR chance it and try to make it home and ignore whatever is wrong with my car. I chose the latter and thankfully made it home. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with my car and who cares, I'm alive.

Don't Stop by Saving Jane

This is when the ink stops flowing
This is when my head starts going
This is when I just can’t get it out
This is when the hits keep comin’
Just when I think I’m on to something
This is when the bottom bottoms out

I promise good enough for you
Then I never keep it
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping
And all the world is sleeping

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when my hands are shaking
This is when the rules are breaking
This is when the music plays too loud
This is when it’s now or never
When it goes from bad to better,
This is when it all makes sense somehow

I promise good enough for you
And pray that I can keep it
And all the world is watching
While I’m open-mouthed and dreaming

I promise good enough for you
And find that I can keep it
And all the world is right with me
And all we are is breathing

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when the ink starts flowing
This is where my heart is going
This is when my hands belong to You.