I took a big leap yesterday. In my mind I make small steps seem like canyons. I have to go through a growing process to take that step, I have to grow wings to fly over that canyon. For this particular step someone gave me the wings I needed to fly and through trust for this person, not bravery, I took them.
Its so extremely scary for me, to be emotional in front of people, when really, all I needed to do was have a break down, a public one. My family didn't really know, until yesterday, that I'm tired and I'm stressed and I'm just not sure how much longer I can handle this. Yesterday, I accepted their support, I let them catch me, I let them see me cry and I don't know why that is so terrifying for me. Of course all they are going to do is be there for me and help me and be a shoulder for me to cry on.
I have this immense fear of weakness, a fear of letting people take care of me, I'll always have myself, thats easy. But truly being able to let someone take care of you, and depending on them for that requires a certain amount of trust and comfortability that I have such a hard time accepting from people. I know in my heart that its there and it always will be, but actually letting people do that for me would be admitting that I can't do this on my own, admitting that I need people, admitting that I'm not the rock I lead people to believe I am.
I need to take these steps backward before I go any further in figuring out who I am. I need to pick up where I left off, as a little girl, when they teach you that its ok to cry...It's ok to be human, its ok to have moments of weakness, its ok to need people, its ok to cry...its ok to cry...its ok to cry...
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
Digging My Hole
I feel as though I'm falling into a deep dark pit of...routine. Lately I just want to sleep, to hide from my life, as well as from what my heart is telling me lately...I need something exciting to happen right now, something that makes my heart race, besides school. I think I need to remove some of the constants in my life and replace them with variables. However, this scares me, it always has...Not knowing the outcome of taking a chance, not even being able to predict slightly what may or may not happen. Courage escapes me a lot of the time, when it comes to myself, but I can be so brave and strong for other people when they need me to be. I just don't understand that. I get in my way. Every time I find the slightest bit of courage I replace it with a well guarded wall. However, I'm starting to learn, walls don't keep people out, they just box you in...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
The Leaves Are Falling
I'm so in love with this time of year...it makes me happy and thats a big deal for me...happiness. The smells, the colors, the cool breeze...its so easy to fall in love with something so beautiful...so simple. And its truly uplifting, it gets inside of me and I start to change simultaneously with the changing of the leaves.
If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.
I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.
If I were a tree I'd be a Maple and if I were a leaf I'd sit at the very top so that when I finally fell it would be a long adventure to the ground.
I'm discovering that I'm an extremely passionate person, so many things affect my mood, my emotions, my actions. I just feel everything. For a long time now I have run away from that part of myself, it scared me, to be able to feel everything. A lot of the time it hurts to embrace that part of myself, which is why I've always abandoned it. Although, now, I believe that it is just as rewarding to embrace the bad things as it is the good and they tend to balance each other out somehow. I think its very important to be able to take on different perspectives as if they were your own. To see with someone elses eyes and to feel with someone elses heart. I can do that and its an ability that I tend on embracing for the rest of my life. I'm gaining so many pieces of myself back and I won't lose sight of them again. They're mine, so I'm claiming them, the good and the bad.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Insomnia Of The Soul
I haven't been able to sleep lately...I can't find peace of mind for some reason. I'm exaughsted as it is and not sleeping at night is driving me insane.
What bothers me the most is that I can't figure out why, at least I don't know all of the reasons. I'm sure a part of it is the fact that I'm very stressed out. However, I can't help but feel like there is something else there...I've felt very haunted lately, almost like I didn't deal with something that I was suppose to. I lay down to go to sleep and I can just feel my heart racing and I instantly feel restless. I can't calm myself down enough for my body to relax.
I feel like I don't have complete control over my emotions and I hate that. I want to sleep, I love to sleep, but my mind and my feelings are getting in the way and they are winning.
I fear that I'm not going to be able to rest until I gain some sort of insight into what exactly it is that is bothering me. I need clarity in my life, I can't handle it when things become cloudy, its extremely scary for me. Especially when it has to do with my own feelings. I can't go back to that dark place, a place where I am constantly confused about myself. I'm going to figure this out and deal with it.
What bothers me the most is that I can't figure out why, at least I don't know all of the reasons. I'm sure a part of it is the fact that I'm very stressed out. However, I can't help but feel like there is something else there...I've felt very haunted lately, almost like I didn't deal with something that I was suppose to. I lay down to go to sleep and I can just feel my heart racing and I instantly feel restless. I can't calm myself down enough for my body to relax.
I feel like I don't have complete control over my emotions and I hate that. I want to sleep, I love to sleep, but my mind and my feelings are getting in the way and they are winning.
I fear that I'm not going to be able to rest until I gain some sort of insight into what exactly it is that is bothering me. I need clarity in my life, I can't handle it when things become cloudy, its extremely scary for me. Especially when it has to do with my own feelings. I can't go back to that dark place, a place where I am constantly confused about myself. I'm going to figure this out and deal with it.
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Life Is Beautiful
I truly feel overwhelmed by all the beauty in this world, and more importantly, by the wonderful people that can be found in it and, in a way, confirm that beauty.
I've recently gotten close to someone that just makes me feel so...leveled. It was a closeness and a connection that happened in what seemed to be a matter of seconds and it was just so easy...I think its amazing and special when you come across these people in your life because, for one, it doesn't happen very often, and for two, it was obviously meant to happen. I feel like I've known this person for years and I also feel like a part of me was almost missing up until now. Like I finally found a piece in my puzzle that just fits so perfectly.
It feels good to be able to just let things be the way that they are and accept them for what they are, especially when you've found something so extraordinary. It's a bit harder to fully accept something for what it is when whatever it is isn't so pleasant.
"If you can't change it, you accept it"
Its very extreme to find yourself balanced by another person, like they compliment who you are. I feel like I'm a few steps closer to figuring out who I am because of it and theres no taking something like that for granted. It might be a long and hard two years, but I don't know, I don't feel so alone in it anymore.
I've recently gotten close to someone that just makes me feel so...leveled. It was a closeness and a connection that happened in what seemed to be a matter of seconds and it was just so easy...I think its amazing and special when you come across these people in your life because, for one, it doesn't happen very often, and for two, it was obviously meant to happen. I feel like I've known this person for years and I also feel like a part of me was almost missing up until now. Like I finally found a piece in my puzzle that just fits so perfectly.
It feels good to be able to just let things be the way that they are and accept them for what they are, especially when you've found something so extraordinary. It's a bit harder to fully accept something for what it is when whatever it is isn't so pleasant.
"If you can't change it, you accept it"
Its very extreme to find yourself balanced by another person, like they compliment who you are. I feel like I'm a few steps closer to figuring out who I am because of it and theres no taking something like that for granted. It might be a long and hard two years, but I don't know, I don't feel so alone in it anymore.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
No Time
I haven't had much time for my own thoughts lately, hence the lack of journal entries. If I'm not at school, I'm at work and if I'm not at work, I'm at school.
This is my life right now, and I accept that.
It's going to be a lot of hard work and sacrifice to reach my goal, but I'll get there and it will be so...worth it. Though, as I start to lose weight from lack of time to eat and start to gain the dark circles under my eys from lack of sleep, I start to wonder just how much self sacrifice is actually considered healthy, if healthy even at all. I'm waiting for my body to adapt to these changes, more of a hopeful waiting actually. I hope I can survive this with dignity and honor.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it shines on my face brighter and brighter with each passing day, it gives me the warmth that I need to survive, to get through this.
Everything is going as planned and it just keeps getting better. But...I can't help but feel like there is something still missing from my life, I think its me...
This is my life right now, and I accept that.
It's going to be a lot of hard work and sacrifice to reach my goal, but I'll get there and it will be so...worth it. Though, as I start to lose weight from lack of time to eat and start to gain the dark circles under my eys from lack of sleep, I start to wonder just how much self sacrifice is actually considered healthy, if healthy even at all. I'm waiting for my body to adapt to these changes, more of a hopeful waiting actually. I hope I can survive this with dignity and honor.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, it shines on my face brighter and brighter with each passing day, it gives me the warmth that I need to survive, to get through this.
Everything is going as planned and it just keeps getting better. But...I can't help but feel like there is something still missing from my life, I think its me...
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
Sprinting Forward
I haven't been writing much lately...I've been too busy trying to suck every last drop out of the rest of my awesome summer...just chew on it until all the flavors gone...
I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.
I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.
I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.
I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Revisiting The Past
I just read my entire old blog...It kind of scared me...It's so dark in there...It seemed like I was on the virge of having some huge break down all the time...Maybe I was, I look at that and think, wow, was I really that unhappy? Did I even know I was that unhappy? A lot of those entries I don't even remember writing or where on earth they came from inside me. All in all, when I look at that, I see myself hiding...That's not me...
At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.
A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.
I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.
At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.
A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.
I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Woman Seeking...
Why is it so hard to find someone that is intelligent, has goals, doesn't smoke or drink excessively, knows how to use the english language properly, has passion for something, etc...
I mean, am I being too picky?
Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.
Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.
Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.
I mean, am I being too picky?
Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.
Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.
Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.
Wednesday, July 19, 2006
Quid Pro Quo
I was watching Silence of the Lambs the other day and I noticed something I've always felt while watching the movie but could never really define. I realized that the playful banter between Hannibal Lecter and Clarice is extremely annoying to me. Why must people play these games? Why can't everyone just be blunt and straight forward about things? If you have something you want to say to me, say it. If you are too afraid to say something to me plainly for what it means, than don't say anything. I hate it when people make comments or ask questions around a subject, its cowardly. Too many people go throughout their lives beating around the bush. If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well swing away. If not, stay in the dugout where you belong.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Sentimental Sorrows
As I was staring up at the sky, watching the beautiful explosions, I began to truly appreciate my life and how good it has been to me so far...I am truly grateful for so many things and so many people... For once, in a long time I've realized, I'm simply and truly happy.
I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.
I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...
I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.
I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...
Monday, June 26, 2006
Reality Check
Now that I've been partying for two days straight its time to come back to reality.
I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...
But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda
I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...
So, I know my name, at least
I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...
Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.
I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.
I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...
But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda
I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...
So, I know my name, at least
I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...
Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.
I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
June
When I look back and reflect on this month I see weekend after weekend of just partying. I have literally gone to a party every weekend of this month, sometimes two-three days in a row. I'm just waiting for this to get old, so far, it hasn't. To continue this streak I'm going to Ocean City tomorrow night with some friends for the weekend. Two days of sex, drugs, and you would think rock n' roll, but this generation has replaced that with hip-hop...unfortunately
It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"
I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.
I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.
I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.
Am I rebellious?
Yes.
I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.
It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"
I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.
I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.
I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.
Am I rebellious?
Yes.
I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Moving On
I've finally done it, that last step I needed to take...At first I felt almost guilty in a way, like I was commiting an act of betrayal. At the same time it was an extremely freeing experience, full of excitement...getting that nervous feeling in your stomach, your heart beating rapidly...It was such a mixture of emotions, I don't really know how to feel, all I know is that I'm different now. I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm always going to have those feelings somewhere in me and they'll resurface from time to time. Everyone accumulates a certain amount of baggage. Though, right now, I feel like mine is fairly light. I am aware, however, that this feeling could be an illusion.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Sunshine
I haven't felt this light hearted in a very long time. Right now, there is nothing to stress me, not one thing. I have such a care-free summer ahead of me.
I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.
It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.
I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.
I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.
It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.
I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.
Monday, May 29, 2006
The Start Of Something....
There's nothing but success for me from here on out. I'm heading down that path, the one that was meant for me. I'm here to make a difference...
Friday, May 26, 2006
Thursday, May 25, 2006
Tomorrow Has Come And Gone
*Deep Breaths* I'm scared...Scared of not making it...The butterflies in my stomach have turned into unbearable pains. My mind and my heart are racing each other and I'm not sure which one is winning. I can't falter right now, I can't let go. I need to keep it together for just one more day, give me that.
The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...
I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...
What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.
The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...
I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...
What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.
Sunday, May 21, 2006
The Eldest Sibling Complex
I've carried this burden for as long as I can remember, this responsibility...I'm not exactly sure as to how I assumed this role, it just sort of happens...With each success, with each endearing or proud moment...things are etched in stone...who they see you as and who you are becoming...It's harder to screw up when all you've done is good, but, at the same time, much easier to disappoint them. Expectations accumulate and the burden you carry gets heavier. I take care of myself and I do what I can to help my parents take care of my siblings. I'm rock solid, because I have to be. I'm the shoulder to cry on. Can't make mistakes. Can't have fun. There's no going back now is there.
For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?
I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...
For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?
I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...
Saturday, May 13, 2006
All Alone...and...So What?
Well, here I am...alone. I'm so confused, why do people strive so much to be with someone. It's everyone's goal if they don't have a boyfried or girlfried, why? If your single you're suddenly an alien. I believe in meeting people in an interesting and spontaneous manner, I'm sorry, but I'm not the type to go searching and looking for someone. Frankly, I'm not that desparate or even interested at this point in time.
Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.
Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.
Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.
Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.
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