Lost

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's boredom or depression or if school and two jobs has finally caught up to me. All I know is I'm looking forward to the end of this semester and dreading it at the same time. With the completion of this semester of my life begins what I hope to be a huge step forward.

I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.

It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.

I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?

I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.

Irony Shmirony

Just when everything starts getting better for me...wham, some idiot rear ends me. My brand new car, I haven't even had it for a month yet. This is why I constantly go back to my pesimistic way of thinking. For some reason, I feel like I should have known that this was coming.

The Important Things In Life

My new car. It's amazing how much you appreciate things when the circumstances before were worse than they are now. My old car was horrible, however, because I dealt with such a horrible car and for so long I appreciate and enjoy my new car much more. It makes me wonder about people who just have everything they want and when they want it. I think that life without struggle is not much of a life at all. I believe that struggle builds character and that when the struggle is over you've grown and you can appreciate that growth and enjoy it for what it is and how it has changed you. A lot of people are consumed by money or even just the idea of it and it's a shame. I never want to be rich, I never want to have it all. If you have it all, what is left in life to fight for? 

The Changing of the Tides

I promised myself that I would never have one of those journals where I talked about what I did each day, however, I must talk about this!

I'm very excited because tonight I get to buy a whole bunch of stuff for my room, thanks to the exceptionally high increase on my credit card :) And thanks to the wonderful place that is Ikea, I'm going to buy a bed, a desk to work at and a dressor. I haven't had my own bed to sleep in for 6 freaking years ok and I always shared one before that so, you'd be excited too!

It's amazing how new things can make me feel so good and so...fresh really. It's kind of like starting over, like these new things represent the new me and its really the beginning of something. The beginning of something very new and it feels good. I'm actually going to be sharing a room with someone I truly get along with, someone I sincerely like. I mean, that's a huge change right there! I only see great things ahead of me and I only expect happiness. It's going to be a great summer.

The Age of In-Between

I feel like I'm stuck in this sort of age limbo right now. I've been an "adult" for two years now, however, there are still many things that I am prohibited from doing. I can vote but I can't drink, I can fight in a war but I can't rent a car. The differences in these things confuse me, you would think that they'd be reversed. I'm old enough to kill people and decide my countries fate but can't go and rent a car if I wanted to. It makes me realize that this entire country has so many things ass backwards and unfortunately those are very insignificant examples.

I've just recently seen a really great movie, a movie that really encompasses a lot of whats going on now and a lot of what I think may be in our future. Go see V for Vendetta. It's the scary truth.

Life Is Too Short

I was thinking the other day that there is a lot I haven't done and I'm 20 yrs old, which, I think, is an appropriate age to be allowed to say "Well, I'm not getting any younger" I'm so ready to try new things, experience new adventures, basically make a life out of it, make a life out of me. There are so many possibilities, so many roads, so many ideas...and that use to scare the shit out of me but lately it just excites me. I feel great, I feel so open to everything. For now I think I'm going to go with the philosophy "Act now, think later" Which is an extremely male oriented philosophy, but I say fuck it, fuck it all. I'm whipping out my dick (or so to speak) and I'm ready to size it up. I have a lot of reflection to do, a lot of competitions to face, I need to know where I stand in this world. It seems like a good place to start...

Starting Over

It's almost as if I don't know where to start...I suppose starting this blog is the only thing that makes sense to me right now. I really need a place to reflect upon myself and the things around me. I need to express myself, I need to figure out who I am...here it goes...