Painting Me

A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.

I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.

I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.

To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.