Man...

I don't think I'm smarter than a 5th grader guys...

We're Gonna Party Like It's Your Birthday

It's finally almost here, my 21st birthday. I'm trying not to be extremely excited about this but I just can't help it. Unfortunately my birthday landed on a Monday this year, I mean, of course it did and to top that off I have an exam on my birthday as well, happy birthday me! So, instead of going out after 12am on Sunday night next week I will be at home studying (with a six pack). Anyway, we will be celebrating the weekend after my actual birthday and I'm pretty sure that I am in for the wildest time of my life, as well as anyone that is coming along for the celebration. It's not going to be wild because of me, it will be wild because of the person I shared a womb with. For those of you who don't know my twin-she's absolutely crazy and completely lacks any kind of self control. This just happens to be one of those occasions where I refuse to give up my good time to watch her ass so I have assigned certain friends with that responsibility, haha, suckers. For some reason I have this awful feeling like we are going to end up in jail or at the hospital, at this point I'm not sure which of those scenarios I'd prefer, jail could be interesting...I have had quite a few encounters with the cops all throughout my youth, they just never caught me, you'd be surprised at how fast I can run when chased...but that was back in my soccer and lacrosse days, I'm pretty sure now I'm screwed, so jail is definitely a possibility...

I'll be taking off of work Thursay and Friday and Thursday morning I'll be driving down to St. Mary's to pick up the best friend. The twin somehow convinced me to go to Baja with everyone on Thursday night, I don't normally like clubs like that but I'll be drunk so who cares. Then on Friday we will be going to Tracy's Comedy Club and then on a pub crawl down fells point. I tried to convince everyone to go to the Sister Hazel concert that night at Ram's Head instead of the comedy club, but apparently everyone is lame. Have I mentioned sharing a birthday sucks? Although, the Switchfoot concert I will be attending on Sunday more than makes up for it. As far as Saturday goes we haven't really planned anything yet because I'm thinking Saturday is going to be one of the worst days of my life, but you never know, I could be feeling better by Saturday night.

There will be pictures and videos and stories, which I'm going to try and post no matter how humiliating they may be. I'm also going to try really hard not to make a complete fool out of myself. However, this excitement has been building up for the past month or so now, so I'm thinking I might over do it, just a tad...

My goal for this year will be not to become an alcoholic like the rest of the native americans in my family. Though, I must admit, they do know how to have a good time. I have heard some insane stories about my grandmother and her three sisters, one of which involves my great aunt pulling a gun on some drunk guy that wouldn't leave my grandmother alone...and thats how the women in my family roll, haha, you just don't cross them, they're packin heat. I am grateful that I was raised by very strong, independent women, who, over the years, have beaten their husbands into submission. They know who's the boss, besides, the women in my family out number the men like 3:1 and when you mess with one of them, you mess with all them, we're like a pack of ravenous wolves. But anyway, I'd like to take this time now to tell everyone that under no circumstances, and I mean NONE, are you to tell the people at the comedy club that it is my birthday, I'm serious, I don't like that kind of attention and I WILL run, not walk, to the nearest exit. I'd also like to apologize in advance for any, lets say, innapropriate behavior. And finally, I have one request of the people that will be coming out to celebrate with me, please don't let me engage in any of the following activities: driving, gambling (this includes money and/or clothing), any game involving a dare (because I will in fact do anything once drunk enough), attractive strangers, climbing (I'm not sure why, but I have this urge to climb things when I'm drunk, this includes inanimate objects and people), drinking anything that has the word 'bomb' in its title, and dancing (after a certain point, this point will be obvious, to you, just let me know please).

All right, well, this concludes part one of two, I will update with what actually happens, wish me luck!

And Isn't It Ironic

It's interesting. What you'll do to hold onto someone that you love. My twin and my parents got into another one of those huge fights. You know, the type of fight where she says that shes leaving and never coming back and they say good, see ya! Well, this time she really was leaving, got a train ticket to Las Vegas( very typical of her), had her bags packed, and was going to be leaving tonight at 8pm. I went to school this morning but I wasn't really there, I was wherever she was. It hurt me more than I ever expected, the thought of not having her in my life the way that she is now. A few years ago and maybe even a few months ago I would have bought her the train ticket and drove her to the train station. But I don't know, something changed...and it wasn't her, it was me. I never realized how much control I had over my relationship with her, how much it was up to me to make that effort. For once in my entire life I stopped lecturing her, stopped trying to help her and just accepted who she was. Shes completely crazy and a complete wreck most of the time, but that's who she is and I love her. Anyway, a few hours ago some words came out of my mouth that I never in a million years thought I would say. I said, don't move to Las Vegas, give me until May and then we will move out together...I think I might be able to claim some sort of temporary insanity here. But even now, the thought of not having her in my life, makes me upset. If anything, she brings laughter into my life and always reminds me that I don't have to be so serious all the time. Besides, I can't watch over her if shes hundreds of miles away...

I would say for about 20.5 years of my life I couldn't wait for that day to come, the day that I would move out and wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. And now, I just went and sentenced myself with a few more years...oh the irony of it all. This summer should be...interesting...

Where Does The Good Go?

Lately I've been having this feeling...like I just want to start over. I just want to pick up and go to a new place, where no one knows me. I feel like maybe I could for once truly just be who I am...I feel like I've been in this place, with the same people, for too long. Somewhere along the lines I lost track of who I was and now that I have the freedom to actually figure it out, I'm scared. Scared of what that might mean. Scared of disappointing people. Scared of changing who I am. It feels like I can't move an inch without everyone breathing down my neck. I'm just that person, for a lot of people, and most days I love being that person. That stable, rational person that they can rely on to be there when they need me. I can somehow make sense out of the most fucked up situations and then come up with a solution for them or at least some kind of advice and they listen, they take it and that's a great feeling. But when does it end? When do I get to be openly confused and uncertain? I talk about these things on here all the time, but no one close to me really knows how I feel. I realize though, that all of those things are my fault and they're in my control. But how do you do that? How do you say, I don't have all the answers or I can't help you or you can't depend on me to always be there for you? Sometimes I feel like I've sacrificed so much of myself that theres just nothing left... But I'm trying, and I'm pretty sure I've pissed off quite a few people the past couple of months, but that's the sacrifice...In the end I think it will be worth it and if they love me, they'll get over it. Right?

Will You Be Mine?

Well, Valentine's Day is right around the corner. This will be my first Valentine's Day alone in a very long time. It's just...weird. I was 15 the last time I was single on valentines day. A freshmen in highschool...I wonder what I did that day...Anyway, at 15 I didn't know what it meant to be in love with someone and I was always extremely fearful of it, or at least of what I thought it was. Lack of control and vulnerability. I was very unwilling and ill prepared to engage in any sort of relationship that involved either of those things. I was always very reluctant when it came to opening up to people, always very afraid of sharing my thoughts or feelings, almost as if I was afraid I was going to be giving pieces of myself away, pieces that wouldn't belong to just me anymore. I was terrified of what it meant for someone to be able to say that they 'know' me. It just didn't seem possible to me for someone to know me when I was extremely certain that I didn't even know me. So, when I was 16 you could say I was less than ready for what would turn into a 4 year long relationship. Its just amazing to look back on those 4 years and sometimes feel like they never happened. Sometimes it feels like it was all just a dream and here I am now, wide awake, like that was someone elses life. That relationship was the bulk of my life for those 4 years, it was my family, my home, my everything. I was happy for most of it and in love for all of it. I learned a lot from that relationship, most importantly how to love someone and what it felt like to be loved and how to take care of someone and be taken care of. It took me a while to let myself fall and become comfortable and feel safe. It was hard for me to ignore the feeling that I would be left, that I wasn't good enough. But, eventually I just let go of my insecurities and fears and I didn't do that on my own. I couldn't have. It just took me a while to find that trust, mainly trust in myself, trust in my ability to love someone and allow them to love me back. It was hard for me to need someone, I hated feeling that way until I discovered how wonderful it could be, especially to need someone that you can always rely on to be there.

Its been almost a year now...a whole year...It doesn't feel like that long and I don't feel the same way about love as I did last Valentine's Day. I suppose I am more ready for it to find me this time around. I'm more ready to let someone know who I am and accept who I am. The unfortunate thing about this is that it seems like love pops into your life when you're not expecting it and when you're not ready for it. Especially for me, I am consistently a victim of bad timing. However, at the same time, I feel like when the time is right, the time is right and theres nothing I can do to speed it up or slow it down. Nothing is certain when it comes to love, but anything is possible.

The Final Frontier

My family and I were eating dinner a little while ago and my dad was explaining something about outer space to my little sister, I was tuning in and out of the conversation, but he did say something that caught my attention. He said, "In outer space, there is no such thing as up or down, there is only perspective." I couldn't help but think about how that applies to us even when we're not in a 0 gravity environment. And at that point I could have engaged in a 3 hour long philosophical discussion with my dad which would have somehow ended on the subject of god/the bible or politics because it always ends up there, I'm really the only person in my family that has the patience to tolerate any kind of long discussion with him (because I secretly like it too), but I wasn't really feeling up for it and so I decided to bite my tongue and write about it instead.

...

Right, so, totally lost my train of thought on this one. Its amazing how it was all just racing through my mind and now...nothing. To be continued...

Scary Movie

So I was on one of my night time drives last night, by myself, and for some disturbed reason I started to think about that movie Gothika. Here I am, driving in the dark on completely desolate roads and of all movies that one pops into my head. I'll admit it, I scared myself. I started obsessively checking my rear view mirror and I was so sure that at any moment a ghost was going to appear in the middle of the street, possess me, and then I'd be shipped off to the nearest mental institution. I'm telling you, if I saw a young helpless girl on the side of the road, in the state of mind that I was in, I would have kept on going, every woman for herself sister. Finally I saw another car and I have never been so happy to see another person while on one of my drives down there. So I felt a little better until the car pulled over to the side of the road, let me pass, got behind me and started flashing their lights at me. So I think, oh god I was wrong, I'm living an urban legend instead. At this point I was certain I was a goner. Finally the person turns and I'm extremely happy, I'll take ghost girl over psycho serial killer guy any day. However, as I'm driving a few cars pass me going the opposite direction and they freaking flash their lights at me too. Now I'm thinkig, jesus christ, there's obviously something very wrong with my car, my tire is about to fall off here or something. So, I had two options, pull over and check my car in the middle of nowhere and get murdered by ghost girl or psycho serial killer guy OR chance it and try to make it home and ignore whatever is wrong with my car. I chose the latter and thankfully made it home. As far as I can see, there is nothing wrong with my car and who cares, I'm alive.

Don't Stop by Saving Jane

This is when the ink stops flowing
This is when my head starts going
This is when I just can’t get it out
This is when the hits keep comin’
Just when I think I’m on to something
This is when the bottom bottoms out

I promise good enough for you
Then I never keep it
I pace the floor at night when all the pretty world is sleeping
And all the world is sleeping

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when my hands are shaking
This is when the rules are breaking
This is when the music plays too loud
This is when it’s now or never
When it goes from bad to better,
This is when it all makes sense somehow

I promise good enough for you
And pray that I can keep it
And all the world is watching
While I’m open-mouthed and dreaming

I promise good enough for you
And find that I can keep it
And all the world is right with me
And all we are is breathing

When the lights go down and the girls are screaming,
Don’t Stop Now.
Then I catch my breath and my heart is beating and all I’m thinking is
Don’t Stop Now.

This is when the ink starts flowing
This is where my heart is going
This is when my hands belong to You.

But I'm Here Now

I love driving at night with the windows down and the music blasting. I get some kind of satisfaction out of disturbing the silence and peace around me. Or perhaps it is the control that I am so attracted to, taking the silence and making it my own. Much like marching to the beat of my own drum. I'm addicted to the meditative state that I fall into while I do this. I am alone and lost in my thoughts and there is nothing surrounding me but wilderness and (fucking) deer. Nothing can touch me, nothing can hurt me here, except me. I often find myself arriving at a destination and wondering how on earth I got there. What if that applies to other parts of my life, not just those moments when I'm looking for a way out. A lot of the time I feel like I just arrived here and am clueless as to how and especially why. Is it really possible to live in the present? Time is a constant thing, it never pauses for you to live in the moment. So life doesn't really exist, only death does. As soon as you are born you have slowly begun to die. Death is the constant and life is the variable. You can choose to live your life, but you'll always be dying. So it terrifies me to feel that sometimes, like I didn't start living my life until 20 yrs of it were already gone. But I'm here now.