My dad has pancreatic cancer. Turns out, they can't operate on him. It has spread from his pancreas to his liver, aorta, spleen and spine. He will start chemotherapy and radiation very soon, but eventually, this will kill him. I'm trying to ignore the 3-6 month prognosis that the doctors have given him...
This is too much for me to handle...Reality is hitting me like a wrecking ball and destroying everything in it's path. I feel completely outside of myself, almost as if it's someone else's life. You just don't think that something like this can happen to you until it does. You hear about this kind of thing all the time and you think, wow, that's so sad...But you never truly realize that it can happen to you just as easily as it happened to them.
My dad came to me yesterday...he said, "It's time for you to grow up now." The funny thing is-I thought I was so grown up and I can tell you now, I've never felt more like a little girl than I did when he said that to me...Everyone keeps telling me that I'm the strong one and that my dad can count on me to take care of everyone and every time someone says that to me I can't help but think-I have you all so fooled. I'm not strong, I'm not going to take this very well and this time I don't have a solution.
It hurts, physically. I feel like I got the wind knocked out of me, but that feeling of not being able to breathe never goes away. This makes everything else I've ever been upset about seem so extremely petty and unimportant.
My dad is one of the few people that actually understand me. He's one of the few people I can have the same 3 hour conversation with and not get bored or frustrated, if not the only one. He's...my dad. He's my dad and he's being taken away from me, from my family. I don't know what to do...I'm so scared...
Saturday, March 31, 2007
Friday, March 30, 2007
Tidal Wave
The light that you use to cast over me has turned into shade, everything in my world has turned to darkness. I'm trapped in a cold place where I only have more and more memories of you and less and less future. Time has never been more fleeting and deceptive. Now I constantly have to fight it and it's never gone by so fast. I've never felt so defeated by anything or anyone.
It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...
I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.
That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.
Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.
It's hard not to think about the past when you realize that a past is all you might have left with someone. It's even harder not to think about the future...
I keep having this reoccurring dream/nightmare, different scenarios each time, but a huge tidal wave always comes at some point in the dream and wipes everything out. I can feel everything change and I can always see the dark, almost black, water coming. Dark clouds roll in, the wind picks up and its extremely cold. But I just stand there, I just watch it come. Each time I am with my family, they are panicking, sometimes running and I just stand there...waiting for it to hit me.
That dream isn't symbolic of the type of person I am. I am not brave. All I want to do is quit and run away from everything. There's just nowhere to run to, no place to hide. That wave is coming and there's nothing I can do to escape it.
Sometimes I just wish this was over. Like a show that was suddenly discontinued.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Life
I've had the worst week of my life...Monday my family found out that my dad might have pancreatic cancer and that it may have already spread to his liver...My dad is 40 years old. Every time I look at my dad I want to cry...every time I hear him laugh or say something really nerdy. Over the past few days I've caught myself just staring at him, trying to memorize his face...he'll catch me and smile, I smile back and look away...Pancreatic cancer is one of the worst, it has a horrible prognosis. Monday we found out that 90% of the people diagnosed don't live past a year...I've written so much since then. I've cried so much since then. I decided not to post those entries. Those negative thoughts and sad feelings are being thrown away. Now is the time to be positive and strong...I can't let that consume me, not now, not ever. We were at the hospital all day yesterday, doing scans and biopsys. At the end of yesterday we had some hope, some good news. The location of the tumor on his pancreas is lucky, they are going to surgically remove most of his pancreas. Which is a miracle because at first we were told that it would be inoperable. This isnt't an easy surgery though and he will probably still have to go through chemo...I don't want to see him go through that, he doesn't deserve that pain...no one does. They aren't sure about the spots on his liver but they said by the looks of it they aren't cancerous. We will know for sure in 5-7 days. So yesterday compared to the rest of my week was a good day...
I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.
I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.
I just don't know if I am strong enough for this...not this, not now...I'm sad, I'm scared and I'm angry. I'm all mixed up. I'm barely keeping it together to be honest. But I know that I have to be strong, for him and for my family. I just love my dad so much, he's such a good guy and I'm not just saying that because he's my dad. He taught me everything...He's one of those dads that is always like, come here and let me show you this so you don't need some man to do it for you. So by the time I was 10 I knew how to change a tire and fix the VCR.
I just don't understand...This sounds childish but it's just not fair...I'm trying to keep my head up. I've been praying practically every second of the day and I have my dad on several prayer lists at all different kinds of churches, I don't even care what type of church it is, God is God. I've even been sleeping with the "itty bitty" Buddha my dad put in my stocking last Christmas, he goes under my pillow. I started sleeping with him after Monday night's nightmares, since then my fears haven't come to haunt me in my sleep, when I actually do fall asleep. It's probably all in my head but I really don't give a shit. I'm not even religious, at all, but I believe in magic and miracles and fate and destiny and love. This just doesn't feel right to me, it's not suppose to happen like this...My dad is suppose to see me graduate college, he's suppose to see my little sister graduate high school...I just don't know what to do or how to feel...This would change me forever, I'd never be the same, nothing would...But I'm gonna fight, we all are, I'm just going to hope and pray that they are able to remove all of it...So please think positive thoughts for my dad and my family. Any kind of positive energy helps and it makes us feel better to know we have people praying for us.
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Sleepy Time Happiness
I think I'm happiest when I'm like this. Jinx is being a good watch cat by glaring at the culprit with the camera and clearly saying, can't you see we're trying to sleep here.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
It's A Celebration
The birthday celebrations are finally over and thankfully I lived to tell the tales. We started the festivities Thursday night and they did not end until Sunday night. You can imagine that by now the smell of any alcoholic beverage makes me cringe but overall I had a great birthday, full of drunken fun and needless to say, foolishness. So here it goes:
I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.
Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.
Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.
My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.
That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.
I must start this off with Thursday afternoon. The twin and I went to the mall to buy outfits for our line up of events and while we were there she wanted to go into Bakers to look at some shoes. So she's trying on some shoes and meanwhile this old guy walks in, and when I say old I mean old. This guy looked like Henry Fonda when he was in On Golden Pond, like he just got back from a fishing trip or something. Anyway, he's looking around and I'm thinking, aww, he's here to buy shoes for his wife because I noticed that he had a wedding ring on. Wrong. Upon further inspection I noticed his feet...He was wearing black strappy shoes with black socks. Now, I've seen a lot of strange things in White Marsh Mall but this is definitely top 5. So, he asks the woman if he could try on the black heals he had picked out and she said all right and went back to get them. As she was walking past me we made eye contact and she mouths, "oh my god". I just started to laugh a little bit and I try not to judge, if you have a shoe fetish you have a shoe fetish, but, there was something a little off about this guy. Later on we see him walking in the food court wearing the shoes he had just bought, I guess he couldn't wait to wear them. And that's how my day started.
Once I got home from the drag show, I mean the mall, I had to leave again to go and pick up the best friend from St. Mary's. It was a very nice drive. It was a beautiful day and I blasted the Rent soundtrack the whole way down. People start to get a little up tight the farther south you go though, I noticed the farther I went the more looks of fear and terror I got. Wake up people, it's the 21st century! Anyway, we finally got home and then started to get ready for a night downtown. We got a hotel right off of Pratt and for a whopping $200 a night, but after the night we had it was definitely worth it. We headed to the hotel after stopping at the liquor store and buying WAY too much liquor. Not beer, not wine, liquor. I would say the partying started about 5 minutes after we got there. We were all taking shot after shot and then when we decided that we were drunk enough we went to the club to dance, because, that makes sense. The club was fun, we drank some more and danced around, it was very crowded though so we only stayed for an hour or two. We got back to the hotel and the partying continued, this is when things got crazy. I'm talking making out with your gay friend AND his boyfriend, sometimes at the same time, kind of crazy. But that's just an example of a highly hypothetical situation...There was only one incidence of drama the whole night, which is surprising, but a few of the twin's guy friends, riff raff as J, L and I called them, started making rude comments about J and L being gay. Now, it takes a lot to get me mad, but that is just one of the things I don't put up with. So, I did what any amazingly drunk person would try to do and that was beat them up. J and L held me back though and it was their lucky night because I really wanted to physically hurt them. And that was pretty much Thursday night, I don't really remember much of it, I'm using the pictures as a guideline.
Friday and Saturday were pretty laid back, we ended up not going to the comedy club because you needed to be 21 to get in and not everyone that was supposed to be going with us was 21. Besides, we were all very sick Friday...So I went to Sushi Hana with the best friend Friday night and then to the Hookuh bar, which was shady, but interesting. Saturday turned out to be a family thing, which was fun, my mom made me a German chocolate cake, yum. Sunday was the other crazy night.
My friends took me to a Switchfoot concert. It was an awesome concert, they were very good live. While we were there my friends bought me long island iced tea after long island iced tea. I think I had about 6 or 7, all in a row and in about 2-3 hours, but do you turn down free long island iced teas, I think not. We took a ton of pictures while we were there and somewhere along the lines it was suggested that I kiss my friend Becky. I'm not going to tell you what my response to this was, but let your imagination run free with that one. By the end of the concert they were practically carrying me out of there and then I passed out in the car on the way home, poster and t-shirt in hand. Great night.
That concludes the 21st birthday bash, will update with pictures and maybe some of the videos.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Painting Me
A lot of the time I feel like a blank canvas. A piece of art that I hesitate to start creating. Permanence scares me when it comes to who I am as a person. Its hard to trust something that is etched in stone because I feel like I'm constantly changing and never necessarily set in my ways. So I'm a blank canvas, but I'm also seduced by the drafts that I've crumbled up and thrown on the floor. Its easy to recreate the same thing or manipulate it slightly, but to journey down a different path, far from the one I know, seems impossible some times.
I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.
I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.
To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.
I often make things much harder for myself than they have to be. I have a morbid addiction to struggle and pain because it makes me feel alive and purposeful. Things could be so incredibly simple and easy for me but I have this problem when it comes to trusting something that presents itself peacefully and with ease. I question it, I doubt it and I have little faith in it. Life isn't simple and easy but I have this sneaking suspicion that it can be if you choose to make it that way. I try my best never to under estimate the amount of influence I have on the world around me and because I know I have that influence I constantly hold myself back. My life is filled with confusion and uncertainty because I make it that way. I realize that if I have the ability to complicate my life I also have the ability to make it simple. And really, that's the story of my life, knowing something but not having a clue about what to do with that knowledge. I'm a thinker, I constantly analyze things until I arrive at a dead end when maybe it was never that complicated in the first place. I'm doing it now. It's like I'm running around in circles so fast and with so much force that I dig a dtich for myself that I can't escape.
I need something to distract me from myself. Lately I feel like I have too much time to marinate in my own thoughts. This might not be a bad thing, but I perceive it to be and I scare myself.
To sum this up, I am passive agressive. Its a problem.
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