Thanks-Giving

Wide awake. Tomorrow is getting here faster and faster and I still can't do anything to stop it. I haven't really seen any of them since it happened. I always avoid going through pain with people. I always have to do it alone. So-tomorrow is hard. Tomorrow the questions hit me head on. Where have I been? The honest answer is not the one I will give them-I know that at least. The honest answer is that I really couldn't tell you. I've been in me. I've been lost and found and lost again. Endless cycles of confusion and desperation. I've seriously considered joining some type of military recently, just shipping off. Here is my life, you can have it, because I really have no idea what to do with it right now and maybe not ever again. Happiness doesn't seem to come naturally anymore. Deep down inside I'm sad but I refuse to let that consume me. I escape it-one way or the other-for better or for worse, its hard to distinguish which sometimes. I wish I could skip the holidays this year. I'll ask my mom for some Xanax, after all that is how I got through my dad's viewings and funeral. I always resort to numbness, that's so safe isn't it? Normally around this time of year I'm glowing with seasonal joy and now I just feel bitter towards it all. Is this pathetic? I'm not even sure if its possible for me to care at this point.

Happy Thanksgiving.

In a Time (Maya Angelou)

In a time of secret wooing
Today prepares tomorrow's ruin
Left knows not what right is doing
My heart is torn asunder.

In a time of furtive sighs
Sweet hellos and sad goodbyes
Half-truths told and entire lies
My conscience echoes thunder.

In a time when kingdoms come
Joy is brief as summer's fun
Happiness its race has run
Then pain stalks in to plunder.

Reality Bites

"See Lainy, this is all we need. A couple of smokes, a cup of coffee, and a little bit of conversation. You and me and five bucks."

I drink my coffee black now, we're out of sugar. Its gonna be a rough week, all we have in the kitchen is some grits and some oatmeal. We ate the last of the oodles of noodles for dinner last night. By the way-I eat my oodles of noodles with chopsticks and lots of asian chilli sauce, its more fun that way :)

Usually I'm really good with going into the kitchen and creating a meal out of thin air but I'm running out of ideas...If anyone knows what I could make out of grits and oatmeal and a few condiments here and there please let me know.

Though, the point of this entry-it doesn't matter if you're starving when you have excellent company :)

Biden

"Ya know" I am such a sucker for inspirational speeches. I thought Biden did a wonderful job, his speech made me tear up quite a bit. This guy has a lot of heart, I'm lovin it. You know what they say-democrats fall in love and republicans fall in line.

I'm in love :) Cheers!

Feeling

I'm feeling down today, for several reasons. All of those reasons can be overwhelming so a lot of the time I just smoke or drink my troubles away but every once in a while, on a dry day, I'll have to deal with them. That-is the truth. It reads worse than it actually is but I'm not in the mood to fluff shit up for people today. Maybe it reads exactly the way it should be read. Maybe it means exactly that-I'm a drug addict and an alcoholic and people should stay away from me. Right? This is how I'm feeling today. Unwanted and falling way short of what is considered good enough.

People seem to be so concerned with obtaining some sort of status here, based on other people's standards, I just don't see the point in it anymore. Does it really have any true value or meaning at all? I'm not unaware of the fact that I'll eventually get sucked in one way or another. I'm sure it will feel somewhat close to escaping prison, feeling the sweet breeze of freedom on your cheek, and then going back and turning yourself in.

Adulthood-is a bitch, freedom seems to come at the price of imprisonment, it just puts on a different mask when the clock strikes 18. I'm running from it right now, from it all, catch me if you can...

Obama 08

Now-I have had a roller coaster of emotions when it comes to Barack Obama. All through the primary and when he first won the nomination I was just hating everything about him but I eventually realized it was a big majority of his supporters (rich college kids that jumped on the "its cool to vote for Obama" band wagon) that I disliked, not actually him. So soon enough I warmed up to him and the idea that at least Hillary would get the VP nomination. I also watched his biography and that really left me feeling inspired; but then he goes and chooses Biden and I don't really have an issue with Biden, I like him, I just know that Hillary would do a better job as the VP of this country than him and she freaking deserved it. So once again I was mad at Obama. The story doesn't end here though because I have to say-after seeing Michelle Obama's speech last night I am oficially convinced that I like him. She did such an amazing job, I was extremely impressed. I was just sitting here thinking, wow, that is Obama's wife right there and then I just felt really good about the whole Obama thing again. Plus, they're an attractive bunch, I mean, would you rather look at them or McCain for 4 years? Anyway, Hillary's speech is tonight and I can't wait. She's giving him all of her delegates-because shes classy :)

Lonely

Everyone is sleeping and I feel alone. There has always been a certain loneliness that goes along with staying up way past what is considered acceptable for a "work night" or "school night". I use to do it all the time when I was a teenager, then it felt empowering and refreshing to finally find some silence and time to think and now it just feels depressing for some reason. I use to embrace the fact that I was a loner, I defined myself by that, I didn't really need anyone-what a crock of shit. Now that I am really alone I wish that I was nothing but alone. Funny how that works...

The fucked up thing is if I could just fall asleep I wouldn't have to feel any of this...I'd be dreaming like the rest of you. I hope you're not taking it for granted like I do when I sleep peacefully :) Anyway, my sleeping schedule is way jacked up at this point; I'm not really even sure if you could call it a schedule anymore. Really there's nothing "schedule" about me at this time in my life. Right now I'm inconsistent, irresponsible, contradicting, rebellious, and I just got distracted by the infomercial about the knife that can cut through everything, you know the one...And this is what night time television is like-I feel so brain dead. I shouldn't be thinking about which allergy medicine is best for me and if I see that male enhancement commercial one more time...I'll probably do nothing. I'm just rambling at this point-good night.