Thanks-Giving

Wide awake. Tomorrow is getting here faster and faster and I still can't do anything to stop it. I haven't really seen any of them since it happened. I always avoid going through pain with people. I always have to do it alone. So-tomorrow is hard. Tomorrow the questions hit me head on. Where have I been? The honest answer is not the one I will give them-I know that at least. The honest answer is that I really couldn't tell you. I've been in me. I've been lost and found and lost again. Endless cycles of confusion and desperation. I've seriously considered joining some type of military recently, just shipping off. Here is my life, you can have it, because I really have no idea what to do with it right now and maybe not ever again. Happiness doesn't seem to come naturally anymore. Deep down inside I'm sad but I refuse to let that consume me. I escape it-one way or the other-for better or for worse, its hard to distinguish which sometimes. I wish I could skip the holidays this year. I'll ask my mom for some Xanax, after all that is how I got through my dad's viewings and funeral. I always resort to numbness, that's so safe isn't it? Normally around this time of year I'm glowing with seasonal joy and now I just feel bitter towards it all. Is this pathetic? I'm not even sure if its possible for me to care at this point.

Happy Thanksgiving.