So Far Down

I feel like I'm missing from my own life. A voided space that I use to fill is becoming an epidemic throughout my universe. My absence is spreading like a disease. I'm a ghost among the living, a shadow among the solid figures. For once, I'm not struggling with my identity, but with my existence. My goals have swallowed me whole.

Simultaneously, my personality feels comfortable with a certain amount of anonymity. It welcomes the absence, most of the time I'm totally fine with it, scary. I've never understood this about myself...how content I can be in my loneliness, how it suits me. I wallow in this, I indulge, its my creative fuel, I draw, I write, I play my guitar and I'm extremely empathetic. I love these things about myself, I just wish happiness could trigger these things instead of despair.

I'm 20 years old and I haven't figured out how to make myself happy...but I look at my little sister and I am happy for her, I see a flower bloom and I am happy for nature, I see a puppy born and I am happy for life, I look at myself and I see nothing...How do you make something out of nothing? I just wish I could plant myself somewhere and watch myself grow. Instead, I always find myself in a house of mirrors, not being able to recognize any of the 50 different reflections that gaze so quizzically back at me. I can see myself through other peoples eyes and I am proud of the person I am to them, I just wish I could remove that factor and be happy with myself.

Give Me Strength

I need to get through this, only a few more weeks...I just have one request of you, whoever or whatever you are, give me the strength...

Give me the strength to come out of this feeling relieved and happy with myself, because I did it. More importantly, give me the light...so that I may guide my loved ones through this dark space that I find myself. They followed me in here and I am haunted by their shadows.

And finally, give me the strength and the light and the hope for her, she needs me.

I know there is an end to this tunnel, I just hope and pray that they make it out of here with me. I won't leave any of them behind. I'll sacrfice myself for any of them before I let that happen.