Sprinting Forward

I haven't been writing much lately...I've been too busy trying to suck every last drop out of the rest of my awesome summer...just chew on it until all the flavors gone...

I must say, I had a lot of fun. New friendships, new experiences, I feel like I'm ready to go back to school and get A's. It's going to be a hard year for me, full time school, full time job, part time job and then of course the people that I love to take care of. It's going to be stressful, but I feel as though I can do it and not only do it, but be the best at it. I love feeling this way. Im not going to worry myself about the bad things that are about to happen, I'm not going to dwell on how stressful its going to be, I'm just going to know that I can do it and do it well.

I feel like I'm there, I've made it, I'm on the right track and I can only move forward at this point. It's such a relief for me to be able to feel this way. The walls aren't closing in on me anymore, fuck the walls, walls don't even exist to me right now.

Revisiting The Past

I just read my entire old blog...It kind of scared me...It's so dark in there...It seemed like I was on the virge of having some huge break down all the time...Maybe I was, I look at that and think, wow, was I really that unhappy? Did I even know I was that unhappy? A lot of those entries I don't even remember writing or where on earth they came from inside me. All in all, when I look at that, I see myself hiding...That's not me...

At the same time, however, I can truly appreiciate myself in that state, whatever is, I can't even really define it. But, I look at those entries and there is a lot of truth there, its hidden, but its there.

A lot of those entries are about me breaking free, I was always trying to escape something, always suffocating...Whatever it was, its gone.

I'm happy to say that I am a different person now. There was a dark cloud that followed me around for a while, it became my shadow and in essence eventually took over resulting in the things I wrote in that blog. It depressed me to read that, I was so lost and its so clear to me now just how lost I was.

Woman Seeking...

Why is it so hard to find someone that is intelligent, has goals, doesn't smoke or drink excessively, knows how to use the english language properly, has passion for something, etc...

I mean, am I being too picky?

Perhaps I need to move out of the city or perhaps I am just hanging out in the wrong places. Maybe I should go to a library and pick people up there, at least I know they have an interest in books.

Sex is so easy to get, but God, throw me a bone here, but a bone that is educated and interesting. I wouldn't know what a bone like that looked like if it poked me in the...eye.

Anyway, just a bit frustrated, on more than one level.

Quid Pro Quo

I was watching Silence of the Lambs the other day and I noticed something I've always felt while watching the movie but could never really define. I realized that the playful banter between Hannibal Lecter and Clarice is extremely annoying to me. Why must people play these games? Why can't everyone just be blunt and straight forward about things? If you have something you want to say to me, say it. If you are too afraid to say something to me plainly for what it means, than don't say anything. I hate it when people make comments or ask questions around a subject, its cowardly. Too many people go throughout their lives beating around the bush. If you're going to step up to the plate, you might as well swing away. If not, stay in the dugout where you belong.

Sentimental Sorrows

As I was staring up at the sky, watching the beautiful explosions, I began to truly appreciate my life and how good it has been to me so far...I am truly grateful for so many things and so many people... For once, in a long time I've realized, I'm simply and truly happy.

I felt so mystified by just the act and meaning of celebrating the 4th of July, my first holiday alone really... But, that's just what I realized, I'm not alone...As I sat there I realized I was surrounded by people that I really love and who love me back. At that moment a warm and comfortable feeling shot throughout my body and I felt whole again.

I love you all, more than I could possibly ever express in words or actions, but I feel it...and I feel it all the time...

Reality Check

Now that I've been partying for two days straight its time to come back to reality.

I'm starting to hear the lectures. Not from my parents, but from my close friends. Which is actually a lot more valid and therefore more hurtful to me. They say, this isn't like you, who are you? And really, I have no fucking clue right now. I wish I knew the answer to that question. I told them that, they are worried. They shouldn't be, I know there's a line and I don't feel as though I've crossed it just yet. I know when enough is enough and they should trust my judgement. Still they say, you're Amanda, you don't do things like this. I say, well maybe I do. They just forgot the whole me, just like I forgot...They don't know the Amanda that's not in a serious relationship, shes different...

But you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda, you're Amanda

I hear this a lot now, they keep saying that to me...They say it to me like it's some kind of reminder...maybe it is...

So, I know my name, at least

I told them that I'm a different person now...they will always accept me for who I am beacuse that's what true love is and I know that...They're just going to have to get through these changes with me, catch me when I fall, walk beside me when I'm on my feet...

Support...I have some...and its not agreeing with me or what I'm doing. True support is when you have someone to tell you when you're wrong, fight with you, yell at you, cry with you and that's ok, that's allowed without reciprocated anger...that's support.

I will always be grateful for the people in my life that give me support, you just don't take that one for granted.

June

When I look back and reflect on this month I see weekend after weekend of just partying. I have literally gone to a party every weekend of this month, sometimes two-three days in a row. I'm just waiting for this to get old, so far, it hasn't. To continue this streak I'm going to Ocean City tomorrow night with some friends for the weekend. Two days of sex, drugs, and you would think rock n' roll, but this generation has replaced that with hip-hop...unfortunately

It's supposed to storm all weekend, which gives us idle time to "play"

I enjoy doing things which have no purpose or meaning right now. I like being simple, kind of like the ID in psychology, primitive instincts have taken over.

I'm starting at the lowest level and shall work my way back up until I reach a point where I recognize myself as whole again. For now, I like waking up, drinking my coffee, working, exercising, eating, drinking, smoking, making out, fucking, sleeping and having nothing attached to any of it. I have nothing invested, no feelings, no emotions, if anything, I have dependency on my jobs, and who doesn't.

I'm in control of myself. There's no sub-being that has any affect or control over what I do or the decisions that I make.

Am I rebellious?

Yes.

I'm just confused as to who I am rebelling, perhaps myself.

Moving On

I've finally done it, that last step I needed to take...At first I felt almost guilty in a way, like I was commiting an act of betrayal. At the same time it was an extremely freeing experience, full of excitement...getting that nervous feeling in your stomach, your heart beating rapidly...It was such a mixture of emotions, I don't really know how to feel, all I know is that I'm different now. I think I'm going to have to accept the fact that I'm always going to have those feelings somewhere in me and they'll resurface from time to time. Everyone accumulates a certain amount of baggage. Though, right now, I feel like mine is fairly light. I am aware, however, that this feeling could be an illusion.

Sunshine

I haven't felt this light hearted in a very long time. Right now, there is nothing to stress me, not one thing. I have such a care-free summer ahead of me.

I need to take advantage of this time that has been given to me, this break from my normally complicated universe, even if it's only for a second on the grand scheme of things. Nothing is weighing me down right now, I'm floating on clouds. Its such an unfamiliar feeling to me, I'm almost too paranoid to accept it. Usually I just wait for the next pain in the ass thing to come along instead of enjoying that time in between. I'm living in the moment for now, that's all. It's time for me to enjoy life, I'm not racing it any longer.

It's almost as if I've found a comfortable space in between a huge transition in my life. I will stay here for as long as I possibly can.

I'll look forward to the challenges that lie ahead, but for now, its time for me to relax.

The Start Of Something....

There's nothing but success for me from here on out. I'm heading down that path, the one that was meant for me. I'm here to make a difference...

Party Time!

I GOT IN!!!!

TIME TO CELEBRATE!!!! :)

Tomorrow Has Come And Gone

*Deep Breaths* I'm scared...Scared of not making it...The butterflies in my stomach have turned into unbearable pains. My mind and my heart are racing each other and I'm not sure which one is winning. I can't falter right now, I can't let go. I need to keep it together for just one more day, give me that.

The sunshine and the clear sky have turned to clouds and rain, an overcast has dropped down on me. Sometimes I feel like my feelings are reflected in the weather. My eyes turn from blue to green in fear...

I hate feeling like my fate has already been decided for me. I feel like tomorrow has already come and gone, something is going to happen, something life changing. I'm just not sure which way the scale will tip...I want to be in control of my life, so I will make this effort...

What else can we do but run full force in one direction, I'm not looking back. Sometimes this will lead you smack dab into a closed door, literally, but you get back up. My heart is in one place right now, I just hope its the right one.

The Eldest Sibling Complex

I've carried this burden for as long as I can remember, this responsibility...I'm not exactly sure as to how I assumed this role, it just sort of happens...With each success, with each endearing or proud moment...things are etched in stone...who they see you as and who you are becoming...It's harder to screw up when all you've done is good, but, at the same time, much easier to disappoint them. Expectations accumulate and the burden you carry gets heavier. I take care of myself and I do what I can to help my parents take care of my siblings. I'm rock solid, because I have to be. I'm the shoulder to cry on. Can't make mistakes. Can't have fun. There's no going back now is there.

For once, I'd like to be the screw up, I'd like to be the victom of low expectations, it seems like easy sailing compared to what I've got to deal with...or is it?

I'm so sure that I wouldn't be the same person if the tables were turned, if I was born a year or two later. Then again, look what I've got to show for it, independence...However, independence can be lonely. Sometimes, I need a shoulder...

All Alone...and...So What?

Well, here I am...alone. I'm so confused, why do people strive so much to be with someone. It's everyone's goal if they don't have a boyfried or girlfried, why? If your single you're suddenly an alien. I believe in meeting people in an interesting and spontaneous manner, I'm sorry, but I'm not the type to go searching and looking for someone. Frankly, I'm not that desparate or even interested at this point in time.

Question: Do you have a boyfriend?
Answer: No, I'm just wanting to spend some time by myself for now.

Then I get that look, like that's so weird! What on earth is so strange about that? That I just happen to be an independent woman that doesn't need a man in her life to feel complete. Really, if anything, I just need to be by myself for a while. Why is that so hard to understand? Mindless drones, sheep, etc...I am surrounded by them...grow some independence why don't you.

Dear Mr. President by Pink

Dear Mr. President
Come take a walk with me
Let's pretend we're just two people and
You're not better than me
I'd like to ask you some questions if we can speak honestly

What do you feel when you see all the homeless on the street
Who do you pray for at night before you go to sleep
What do you feel when you look in the mirror
Are you proud

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye
And tell me why

Dear Mr. President
Were you a lonely boy
Are you a lonely boy
How can you say
No child is left behind
We're not dumb and we're not blind
They're all sitting in your cells
While you pay the road to hell

What kind of father would take his own daughter's rights away
And what kind of father might hate his own daughter if she were gay
I can only imagine what the first lady has to say
You've come a long way from whiskey and cocaine

How do you sleep while the rest of us cry
How do you dream when a mother has no chance to say goodbye
How do you walk with your head held high
Can you even look me in the eye

Let me tell you bout hard work
Minimum wage with a baby on the way
Let me tell you bout hard work
Rebuilding your house after the bombs took them away
Let me tell you bout hard work
Building a bed out of a cardboard box
Let me tell you bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work
You don't know nothing bout hard work
Hard work
Hard work

How do you sleep at night
How do you walk with your head held high
Dear Mr. President
You'd never take a walk with me
Would you

Forever Young

You know, I think the statement, "You're only as old as you feel" is extremely true.

Well, I feel old.

I feel like I lack the ability to be young and stupid. Sometimes, and as awful as this sounds, I would just like to not have a conscience, not have worries or responsibility. Please, take me back to a time when a day seemed like it would never end and the summers lasted forever. I want my naieveness back, my virginity, my happiness, everything, give it back.

Life only gets harder, its like runing up steps. You start out at the bottom, full of energy, not many steps behind you to jade you...Each step you take, leaves another step behind and it gets harder and harder to take a step the longer you've been running up them. These steps get more and more exaughsting. Some people aren't going up steps though, some people have more of like a slide. They run up the slide as fast as they can, get exaughsted much quicker and then slide back down to the bottom. For me, it feels like both, more like shoots and ladders with me actually. I'm on a ladder, but there's always that tempting shoot right next to me.

Down Or Up Hill From Here

I submitted my application yesterday...it feels more like I was submitting my future and now all I can do is wait...its out of my hands for a while

Obsession

I am really starting to enjoy being able to really focus on myself, physically and emotionally. It's such an odd sensation, having only myself to worry about and I can already feel myself starting to change, starting to grow. There are so many things that I want to do to better myself and I feel as though I'm heading in the right direction.

I'm a very artistic person and I really lost sight of that the past few years. Well, I've picked up my guitar, my writing, my creativity and it really defines me as a person, I'm ashamed that I let that part of myself go for so long.

At least now I know...not to let myself be shadowed by whatever relationship I am in, it's just not worth it in the end.

Lost

I've been sleeping a lot lately. I'm not sure if it's boredom or depression or if school and two jobs has finally caught up to me. All I know is I'm looking forward to the end of this semester and dreading it at the same time. With the completion of this semester of my life begins what I hope to be a huge step forward.

I have this huge fear...if I don't get into the Vet Tech program that it would just be the start of this downward spiral, I can see myself losing all hope at the site of that rejection. I'm such a strong person when pushed in the right direction and such a weak person when rubbed the wrong way. I wish I knew where those sparks of motivation came from so that I could trigger it when needed...I need it now...I need a reason...Why isn't my own personal gain good enough for me sometimes? Is it this other need in me to be unselfish that conflicts it? I need to relearn how to put myself first.

It's easier to be selfish the younger you are. When you are young you don't have to worry about anyone but yourself. You don't have younger sisters to worry about, your friend's problem's, your families problems, theres nothing there to distract you from yourself.

I feel like, in many ways, that I have these vast areas of myself to rediscover, going backwards and then progressing. How do you go backwards when you can't see the path that lead you there in the first place?

I feel so lost in myself. The real me is trapped inside this other entity. I wish it would let me go.

Irony Shmirony

Just when everything starts getting better for me...wham, some idiot rear ends me. My brand new car, I haven't even had it for a month yet. This is why I constantly go back to my pesimistic way of thinking. For some reason, I feel like I should have known that this was coming.